like beauty that stood for 800 years
can burst ablaze in an instant
so the strength of my heart is consumed
give me something new, O God
give me more of You

You've been gone 24 hours
and the restlessness sets in
My job seems pointless
these little tasks so small
without you
What's the goal now?
The goals must remain unchanged
but inspiration is far off
I long to do something new
to turn from caring for human babies
to caring for earth babies
but I know not what is to be had

Like a fragile bird
I could easily forget my wings
looking for warm arms to carry me
When I should be taking off
putting faith in warm air
and the strength in me

As the pools of knowledge deepen in the mind
the outward appearance falls away
the refreshing convergence
of all past, present and future
creates a calm today

I feel snowflake dreams
slip from weakened fingers
How I promised to keep you
and meet you up the mountain
I stand in shadow
the dim edge of early morning
convinced the peak will turn gold without me

Love that is real fills the heart with warmth,
Love that is real makes work seem like a joy,
Love that is real isn’t a trouble to show,
Love that is real isn’t concerned with duty,
Love that is real can’t be checked off a list.

Have you ever held the hand
of a man who worked for a living?
A construction worker
A carpenter
A tower repair man?
That’s what my God’s hands are like
Capable
Strong
Warm and
Ever-ready

For too long,
I said,
Enough,
For too long,
I said,
It cannot be,
I didn’t let,
My heart dream,
And called my,
Rash desires,
Never,
So many things,
I truly want,
I forgot,
That life is,
Always more,
Than One,
Or Two,
Or Three,
And work,
Does not define me,
I’m letting go,
Now,
To saying,
This I will,
That will be,
For your Glory,
My joy,
Is my pursuit,
And I was made,
With Many,
Dreams to,
Live for.  

I feel,
Trapped,
The only thing,
To do is run,
But not away,
Muscles seize the day,
Prepare for when I may,
Live my dreams out.

with forever at my feet
I can't back out into oblivion

If you think I’m on fire
don’t worry
The good will stay
Only the bad is burned away

I’m learning I’m an ocean
full of uncharted depths
made just for me to explore
I’m far more interesting than a few little coves
I’ve got trenches
and reefs
starfish
and beasts
And I’ll never reach the end of it

It’s part of everyone’s life, suffering
But most people don’t enjoy it like we do
most of them don’t find in it great trees
But we do
We make those great sad oaks into timbers
We stand them up in the snow
and build our homes with them
The scent of victory is burning pine
Our fire
Our suffering

Would anyone like to collaborate with me? I've never done it before.

Dear
with you
It’s like time slows
ever so slightly
And the world opens up for me
you add a little bit of flame to my star
I grow each time I see you
How else do I tell you I love you?

It has never really been my blatant disobedience that made me ashamed,
Not my arrogance, nor any ****** deviance, no angry lashing out,
That cuts me to pieces and makes me hang my head
Keeping me habitually from entering you presence,
No, it has been my absence from your side,
My choice to forget you in my day,
Not speaking to the one who gave me birth,
And took away the night,
Then,
When pain, and loneliness
Drive me back to you,
I try to once again avoid you presence,
Wishing I had come out of nobler impulse,
Forgetting that this is how you work,
Almost like a lover who doesn’t care what makes me join him,
The Lord calls me to himself,

Love is a storm
but my sails are always full
my soul’s canvas fibers locked in place
to move me at the slightest breath of emotion
I’ve docked myself in harbor
to preserve my life
Though too all eyes
I am a worthy, ready vessel
asking for a breeze
waiting for the morning tide

I want you to hurt me
accidentally
somehow twist the wrong words just right
or clumsily elbow my nose
I want you to see my red and tears run down
I want you to see me grin in the pain
I want you to see me heal
I want you to watch how quickly my skin grows back
I want you to know I will forgive you
So you don’t live in fear of hurting me

Don’t let someone be your drug
                                                            ­     high!
                                                       so
                                                
Don’t let someone          up
                      take you
that when they leave the room
                        you go
                                         down
                                                   so
                                                          low
­Learn to love yourself and be happy alone
Cos living for your next hit
is always reckless
Whether your drug is named Vicodin or Nathan

I long to tell you
                   to get over yourself
                       Come love me
                run your tongue around
                             my lips
                 the only poison within
              is your own sticky hatred
               for your own sticky soul
              Your mind slowly lifts out
                 of darkness long laid
      the romanticism of your own faults
                      leave them now
                      And come to me

Your cologne smelled like happiness and contentment
Lingering on my scarf,
I smiled all the way home

Back and forth,
Forth and back,
There swings a little sparkle,
On my chain of dreams,
I ponder this point of light,
And think,
So small a thing,
Why let it hang so heavy?
Let it fall away,
Why should it stay,
And pull upon my heart?
The gems I wind around my neck,
Seemed so much better with it there,
And the pins I placed in my hair,
Had they more energy?
Or were they dulled?
Drop the tiny star,
And I will never notice it is gone.
Or will I?
Could I drop it?
I can’t forget my visions.
This thing,
This kind,
Will return for me,
Perhaps a different hue,
With scintillating brilliance,
And take its place again.
For now I place it aside,
On a piece of lace,
In a drawer,
Some may see it shine,
If they look hard enough,
A reverie for rainy days,
Until you pick me up,
And stand with me forever,
Or I find,
There really wasn’t space for you,
Upon my chain of dreams.
Oh little dreamstar,
You caused such a silly stir,
So much pressed inside your little body of thoughts,
Winking and blinking on your string,
You taught me more than one good thing,
But who can speak for your future?

What has happened to my heart?
Where do I begin, where do I start?
The holes I used to see are gone,
What have you done to my eyes?
Where you’ve taken all the lies?
The holes I used to see are gone
I am sure I’ve not arrived,
But my life’s hid with you on high,
And the holes I used to feel are gone,
The holes I used to see are gone

I felt it,
The green beginnings,
Shooting up from my heart,
But then,
I forgot

Maybe I don’t know
like you do
how to tiptoe to the edge
barely getting in
barely feeling water on your feet
Maybe it’s because it scares me
I only know how to jump
All In
All In
I’m up to my waist
while you’re still at the shore
My legs feel like ice
but you’re walking away

I was born to steal the moon
and I’ve been waiting to do it for you
But now I’m tired of that
I’m not gonna hold my breath
cos you still haven’t asked
I’m gonna go get that moon for me

Words are food to me
I open up to tender sentences
careful compliments like water in my mouth
the flowers of my soul burst forth
in shocking color
when someone I trust tells me they love me
And oh, how fast they die of poisoning
upon verbal attack
my deepest wounds
my brightest moments
were each encountered through words

oh, observe!
How the greatest hindrances of Love
are yet it’s greatest spotlights
A wall of resistance
must in the end be consumed in flames
And like giant ***** of gas mysteriously ignite
to become our stars
Roaring walls become lights along the path of our journey
Inward and Outward

I took 3 years of piano
so apathetic
But feeling guilty
for wasting training in the human apex
wrote down musician on my list of desired traits
in a mate
probably Because I couldn’t measure
Up
Funny . . .
a good half of that list
consisted of proficiencies in where I felt I failed
confused
not understanding how complete I was
not understanding that mastering a musical instrument is not a virtue

when cultivating a will to live is too difficult
I settle for drowning out the desire to die

A happy five year old
I picked up my crayons and gave it my best
so proud of a little thing
but my friends said
“You colored outside the lines!”
Pouting I brought it to my mother
after school was over and I was home
“Yes, Eva, you colored outside the lines”
What lines?!
All I had seen was my own rainbow of color
placed exactly as I liked it

My moments of wakefulness at night
lead to deadening days
As my eyelids flutter open in the dark
so they slowly droop amidst sunlight
I lift my head from my pillow and remember the pain of a dream
as crisply as a fresh fried chip
Then I’m pulling my chin down in frustration afternoonly when I can’t remember my tasks inside a funk as muddy as chocolate pudding

You do not let a single day of mine fall
nor a word from my mouth
Somehow
You hold them up
In your hands they become like crystals
and form a long, beautiful line
A long, sparkling line of life
Nothing dull or dark is found within

and suddenly it’s not about who cares . . .
you wish they cared a little less
wish you didn’t matter quite so much . . .
leaving isn’t always about your self-esteem
sometimes it’s just the weight of pain

I hate to lie down
when my feelings are in knots
I’ve always excelled at untying real knots
pulling out each strand with enjoyment
I’m proud of every knot I’ve ever untied
And I give great advice
but I hate to lie down in slumber
when emotional solutions evade me
The day stretches out unresolved
I lack the pieces I need to make peace
with the present

I do not answer a fool in his folly
for the retorts of a fool are too many

Everyone fights death,
This is just my way,
To keep it at bay,
I hate to say,
That what I crave,
Are the blows,
That weaken me,
And my rights,
Are not what I pretend.
The passions of my tongue,
Hold horrid sway,
Over the way,
The war goes,
I fell so hard,
Yesterday,
The victim,
Sliced open,
By the sweet contents,
Of glass jars.
I said goodbye,
To so much already,
Must even more,
Be taken from me?
I am beset with blindness,
And fear to walk,
Guided by those I know not,
Following the soft and hard
Suggestions of online gurus.
Their most important line,
I most love to despise,
That of listening to
And believing
Myself.

have you ever been so tired
that it feels like your soul is dying
You know your body can keep moving
and doing the same things
but somehow the exhaustion has put part of you away somewhere?
Like . . . you’ve come to the end of a rope you’ve never come to the end of before

If all my children die in the womb, am I still willing to bear them?
If they die in my arms, am I willing to still conceive?
If my lover dies on my honeymoon, am I still willing to marry?
If he dies the day after I knew I loved him, am I still willing to love?
If my foot is cut off tomorrow, am I sorry I ever had one?
If I lose it when I am twenty, do I wish I had never run?
The pain in one moment can never negate the joy preceding it, nor will it take away the joy that is coming.