Way too far gone now

I know this

Rabbit hole of hate  

Is bad for me

That you are bad for me

I love,

How I hate you,

How i want this.

i whisper into the void

the void whispers back

tells me to pull you to me

a midnight waltz.

Us against all the rightness

Of the world that owes us

So much.

How we stand righteous,

And will always win

Wrapped in sheets of satin sin

You paint your nails,
they look beautiful.

But then you act
like someone
who has never known peace—

you bite them down,
tear the skin,
leave yourself raw,
bleeding.

What are you trying to prove?

You don’t need to suffer anymore, love.
You’ve grown.
You are no longer alone.

You have yourself now.

My mothers in the halls  
Ghosts in my mind
I'm being haunted
By burning men
That i thought had left

Haunted by social workers  
with match-lit clipboards  
their ash-smoke clings to my skin
I thought they’d gone
Thought they’d leave me marked as  
Care kid

Don't know how
To take this bout of news
I want to rip the memories out of me
So, i can think

Don't know if they hear me
God knows but he doesn't take  
Well to kids stuck in the system
Father knows, won’t fold
To the will of being a parent

Spiral, rabbit holes
Dark rooms
Climb out of somewhere
Unknown to all but you
pretty paper wrapped round decay

Mother,
All the seconds of the day
Weld to me
Did they weld to you?

I am messing with fate
I can smell the horror
Sense the skin and bones
Of whatever i am becoming

Maybe I'm turning into you, mother?
Maybe i should try to  
Or at least try to be unlike
Not that that’ll ever happen  

Shaking, quaking
to cry
Try to leave my soul
Behind

You say we failed you.  

We say: we followed procedure.



You wanted warmth.  

We offered shelter.

You wanted love.  

We offered supervised visits

Limits and such.



You wanted someone to listen.  

We logged your words.  

You wanted someone to stay.

We rotated homes, social workers etc.



You call us ghosts.  

We call ourselves efficient

You call us crying.

We call back. eventually

We didn’t forget you.

You were archived.  

You weren’t ignored.  

You were processed.



We didn’t break you.

You arrived fractured.  

We didn’t weld time to your skin.  

Time does that on its own.



We didn’t fail to care.

We were never designed to.

We mislead

We are the system.  



We don’t feel.  

We don’t flinch.  

We don’t cry.



We survive on silence,  

on signatures,  

on the ticking of clocks  

that don’t ask questions.



You want someone to blame.  

We’re easy.  

We’re faceless.  

Therefore blameless.



We’re built for it.



But we did what we were built to do.  

And we’re still doing it.

we always one

That was before you
wanted
to do anything with us.

That was before I
trusted
you.

That was before I
trusted
anyone.

That was before I
trusted
myself.

That was when I
only trusted
the glow of my laptop in an empty room.

my chest swells at the thought
of you being able to heal now
i'm proud
of you.
i did it too.
decided i wasn't gonna be
the rebound he used
to get over you

i am bad
for wishing you'd message me
because
you're probably
talking to her.
i've told you before
i'll go
but somehow i come back
i'll go now,
properly
unless