The only way anymore
For me to feel
Just an ounce of
Happiness
Is to listen to the music
That fills my ears
And fills the empty cracks
Inside my heart
That ache with pain
But when I hear
Those few notes
And that voice
That could compare to
My very own angels
I am
Free

Even for just a moment
I can forget
About the depression,
Anxiety
And all the other horrors
That fill my body
And crazy, mixed-up
Mind.

-e.w.

I took the first step
Today

Telling myself
I don't need you
To be happy

Because I see you smiling
With your friends
And other girls
While I'm all alone
Dying inside

But then it hit me

I'm better than this
And I don't need
An *******
Of a guy
To make me feel
Like maybe I can continue
Living

Because I feel like dying
21/7
And I don't need you
To be the one
Making me go
Closer to the edge

Instead of trying to
Save me.

-e.w.

Please forgive me
If the only words you hear from me
Are sad and depressing
Things

Because all that courses through
These dying veins anymore
Is the evil that comes
From my aching heart

I do not know
Happiness

And happiness
Is not a friend of
Mine.

-e.w.

I'm sorry
That I didn't want to talk
But I promise
I didn't want to talk to
Anyone
I wanted to entangle
Myself in the sadness
Because I think it has finally won
These slits on my arm
Show that I have lost this battle
And the evil thoughts
Coursing through my terrible mind
Show that I have lost
Part of me thought that I could possibly
Win
But that part was
Incredibly wrong
Because today has been the
Worst
And I lost the person
Who I cared for most
Because my best friend
Thinks I'm intentionally
Pushing her away
When really
It's just these bad thoughts
Telling me
That she doesn't care
Either
But I promise
That I have been trying
My hardest
But like I've said
Over and over and over
Again

I have never been good enough
And I never
Will
Be.

-e.w.

I've been feeling ill
The past few weeks

Not wanting to do anything
Feeling sicker than usual

The depression was there
But it seemed like
Something else was too

Doctors maybe suspected cancer
I had most of the signs

I thought about it
But no sadness rushed over me,
Instead,
it might have been gladness

Knowing that if I did
I would get out sooner
Than I thought

Hoping that God would give it to me
And take it away
From someone who deserved to live
Much more than
Me

But sadly,
It was just a "scare"

I'm perfectly fine,

But please know,
That my mind is not "fine"
And I may find another way to

"Get out sooner."

-e.w.

I'm on the edge

Wishing that you'd come along
With a strong rope
That could help me up

I promised myself
I would never ask for help

But I'm too far gone,
Too weak
To not ask

I'm scared,
Petrified
Sitting here
Wishing that I could find the gun
And pull the trigger
With one motion
Of my shaking finger

Because if someone,
Anyone,
Doesn't come
And save me

I don't think
I'll be here

To see the lovely sunrise
Tomorrow morning

I crave the feeling
Of being numb

So I wouldn't have to sit here
At 8:52 at night
Wishing I were gone

Wishing I could go away
Or go home

Because I can't handle
This sadness
That never,
And I mean never,
Goes away

I promise you
I'm trying to battle through it

But when I can't
Think of a reason
Why I should stay

I think of all the reasons why I
Shouldn't

-e.w.

One, two, three

I count the tally marks
Lining my arm

Four, five, six

They're swollen,
Matching my eyelids

Seven, eight, nine

I'm losing sleep
And I'm losing places
To make my mark

Ten, eleven, twelve

I'm getting worse,
Much worse

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen

I could go on
Until maybe
One-hundred

But I wouldn't want to
Bore you

With the scars lining
My battlefield
As I fight this
Never ending
War.

-e.w.

These plain white
Hospital walls
Linger through my mind
As the IV in my arm
Pumps me full of sleepy
Drugs

Your voice lingers in my
Ears

Telling me your disappointed
Telling me I should have told
Someone,
Anyone

But who would listen?

I'm in this state
Of never ending
Sadness

You tell me
"I'll get over it"
That it's
"Just a phase"

Then this must be
The longest phase
In existence

You tell them I don't need help
I don't need medication

But I crave it
Because maybe
It could finally give me a
Relief

But I leave this place
With nothing more
Then when I came

And leaving with nothing solved
Coming home with just
Your disappointment
Towards
Me

-e.w.

I told myself
I need to stop
Letting you break me

It's unintentional on your part
But it keeps happening

I keep loving you
With everything I have

But yet you won't even
Give me the time of day

You say you're confused
About your feelings
That you don't know
If you love me
Or someone new

I'm the happiest
When I see you
Or receive a single text from you
Or even talk to you

Because somehow
I can see your face light up with joy
When I see you

As I begin to break once again.

I have this feeling
Deep inside my chest
That I need to
Stop loving you

Because I look at you
With longing eyes
But you walk right past
With longing strides

My name gets caught
Between your lips
As it slides right out
I'm wishing that it hadn't

You've broken me
Oh, so many times
I know I'm stupid,
But I can't help it

Because yet again,
I fall for you
With every word you say
With every smile you flash

I promised myself
That I would try to not love you

But here I am,
9:04 on Valentines Eve

Falling for you
Yet again.

-e.w.

I'm losing sleep
And my body aches
From all the weight it carries

I'm losing time
That I could spend
Being happy, or at least
Happier than this

I'm losing love
As I push people away
Saying that I'm poison
That I don't want them to stay

I'm losing my mind
As I wrack my brain
Trying to figure out
Why I'm even still alive

I'm losing myself
With each passing day
Telling everyone that I'm fine
That the sadness will just go away

But I'm never okay
And I'm starting to think
That maybe I never will be.

-e.w.

My phone buzzes
My best friend's name
Flashes across the screen
As I smile with joy

Her voice soothes
Even my darkest demons

She knows exactly what to say
Even when I'm at my lowest

She knows what I'm feeling;
She's going through it too

An hour ticks by,
but I wish the night and phone call
Would last forever

Because she's the only one
Who can make me laugh,
When I want to cry

Make me smile,
When I feel like
Slicing my skin open once again

Even though she's 3 hours away,
I feel like we're closer than
Ever.

-e.w.

The sound pounds through my body
Shaking my bones,
Rattling my heart

I'm inches away
From the man singing the words
That speak to me

He looks at me
As the words transfer through the mic
Swimming straight to
My rattling ear drums

I beg for the night to go on forever
For this moment
To never end

I want him to keep singing

Because with every lyric
I fall more in love
With the music

That fills my aching bones.

-e.w.

They say cigarettes shorten your life
Like it's a bad thing

To put that nicotine
Between your lips
As the smoke slowly slips away

But they say it's a bad thing,
That we'll lose 10, 12, 15 years

So I would smoke more
20, 30, 40 packs a day

Anything to lose those years

Because what if I'm done with all of this?
The party has gone on too long

And I want to go home.

-e.w.

I've never had drugs
Even close to me

But when this sadness
Doesn't seem to leave,
My mind wanders places
Where I could see myself

Taking a drag from that cigarette,
Pumping the liquid through my veins,
Or pressing it to my tongue

Anything,
To take away this pain

Take away this pain
From always being second best
Or being ignored

I would do anything

Anything,
To just be okay.

-e.w.

I try to write poems
Filled with love and daffodils
And pretty ****

But all that comes out
Are the lies that I'm hiding
And the things
Behind the mask


I try to write poems
About how I once loved a boy
Who loved me back
And we were beautiful

But that would be a lie
Because I have always been the one
Who loved
And got nothing in return


I try to write poems about happiness
About how I love life
Grateful for every breath

But that would be a lie
Because at night
When there's no one there to help
The depression creeps up
Like an old friend that I've tried to ignore

Oh, I swear
I've tried to ignore.

-e.w.

I opened up to you
Told you about the sadness
That sweeps over me

You told me you have it too
That you feel like no one cares

I care.

I tried to be there for you,
wanting you to be there for me

But all I got
Was ignored texts
And helpless nights
Without you there

I hurt
But all I got was ignored

Oh,
I'm sorry
I really thought you were different

But you don't care
Just like everyone else.

-e.w.

I promised myself
That I wouldn't let you get to me

That if you didn't text me,
I wouldn't text you

That if you didn't like me,
I would try
Oh, I would try to not like you  

But I broke my promise
You got to me

I'm addicted to you,
Like you're addicted to her

This viscous cycle
Where I love you,
But you chase her

I'm sitting here
In these empty halls
As you're in class,
She's running through your mind

I just know it.

I wish I could get over you,
Just end this

But every time I see you,
I'm reeled back in
Trying to push out the reality

The reality that you love her,
Not me.

But who was I kidding?
Who would ever love me;

With all the poison
Running through my veins.

-e.w.

Sore throats itch and scratch
Head pounding
Like a war behind your skull

Struggling to stay awake
Yet,
Struggling to fall asleep

The cough medicine trickles down your throat
Distinct taste of cherry lingers
As you lay your head down

You feel the medicine kick in,
So thankful that you'll finally..
be..
able..
to...

-e.w.

I've always wondered
What it would be like to take a drag
From a cigarette

To have the nicotine fill my heavy lungs
To puff out the beautiful smoke
To feel calm

But when I thought about your lips
On mine

I think that it was close enough.

-e.w.

I'm insane.

Yet,
I'm as sane as they get

These emotions fill me up
Up to the brim

The outside always holds the lie
Waiting for the day I will explode
Making sure everyone knows
Exactly how I feel

But for now,
My emotions topple over my eyes

Making my eyelids heavy
As I keep them awake until 4:32 am
As my mind races
And my heart thumps with anxiety

Waiting for the day
When you'll know,
That I have never been okay.

-e.w.

I hit,
Scratch,
Cut

At all the imperfections that line my body.

There is a monster
Swimming around
Bumping into my organs
Scratching up my insides

It gets stronger every day
Wanting to get out

It points out the flaws
Makes me weak
Shreds up my hope

I'm weak.

I lay in bed at night
Pondering the thought of sleep
Deep, deep sleep

Thinking if I had the courage to,
I would be long gone by now

But something makes me hold on
I don't know what it is;

But some days,
I wish it would just let go.

-e.w.

I’m shaking
I can’t breath

I’m lost
I’m stuck
I don’t know where I am

You reach your hand out
A way for help
You made me love you

You talked to me
Made me feel important
Like I actually mattered

You understood me
You were going through it too
I helped you as you helped me

It lasted 17 days
That’s all
Until I was just another person

Left on the floor
Broken
Like a shard of glass

I had no one
No one to understand
To help

Yes, I have friends
But they aren't like you
I felt something with you

You smile in the halls
You wave
I smile back

But I’m silent
I realize it was over
Before it even started

Then why do I miss you?

-e.w.

Life is hell
Love is poison

But sometimes you find that person
You'd follow though hell
And get sick for

-e.w.

I’m not sure if I can do this
If I can make it through the days

If I can hold onto the small string
From the tough rope

My grasp is loosening
My mind is unraveling
My heart is racing

I’m not cut out for this

I’ve tried my hardest
I promise
But I’ve come to the end

I can’t keep struggling
With this smile
Slapped across my face

Making it seem like I’m okay

But I’m a walking skeleton
I’m losing wieght
I’m tired
All the time

I don’t want to be around
Or talk
To anyone

No one can fix this.

I’ve gotten myself in too deep
And I can’t force myself out
It’s a neverending pit

I think I might die here
With a bottle in my right hand
And a cell phone in the left

911 punched in
As the pills sing me to sleep

-e.w.

There’s nothing left
I’ve come down to the end
I’ve fought my war long enough

I can feel death’s fingers
Wrap around my neck with ease
I’m losing my breath

Why can’t it be over?
Why can’t I just end it?

There’s a bottle of pills on my counter
With my name labeled across it
Begging me to gulp them down

There’s a bottle of alcohol
Next to the pills
Begging for me to take a few sips

But why is it so hard?

It would take 60 seconds
60 seconds for my body to collapse
Fade away

I would love that
It would be an escape
An escape from this hell

People don’t even try to help
I suffer
In silence

I’m sorry I’m like this
I really am
But the depression is the sea

And I am forever drowning in it

-e.w.