don't believe the views of society:
there is nothing poetic about heartbreak
there is nothing beautiful about laying on the bathroom floor shaking from the memories that flood into your mind,
craving the embrace of the one who promised he'd never leave,
gasping for air because you don't know how to keep breathing,
throwing up a dinner that didn't digest correctly because of the steadfast ball in your stomach,
falling asleep in class because your nights are consumed with thoughts of him realizing he lost the best thing he ever had,
not leaving your house because everything reminds you of him
from the song on the radio that he used to hate
to the place where you went on your first date and he was too nervous to kiss you

that cold February night my heart shattered
February 21st felt the pain so heavy in my chest
I thought I would never recover but
he came back with promises like flowers
as my trust blossomed beautifully
he came back with apologies like songs
as my heart beat to the tune of his
the melody of our love flowing through my veins
like a drug that made me feel infinitely lost
in this world we had
until I heard the word February
my ears rang, my chest tightened
that cold night with frozen tears
I began to see the wilting promises
and how the apologies skipped like
scratches on the record
the rush in my veins no longer
lit my eyes up, it made them weary
nothing was different

I was still in love with the boy
who tainted my heart
and I was letting him do it again

It’s late afternoon
I catch your eye
hoping you’ll hold my gaze
you never do
you look to the side
or to a friend
or to the dust on the floor
anywhere that does not include
looking into the wide eyes
of the girl who sobbed
when she broke your heart

All I want is your gaze, but
I know that the day you resolve
to hold eye contact
that your gaze will be empty,
the same way I left you feeling
that warm June day.
The day you understood that
I was terrified of looking into
someone’s eyes and telling the
truth

Somewhere along the way a blue wire crossed a red wire and my brain leaked purple, engulfing me in a haze of anxiety and strife. I like who I am; I like my brain the way it's wired. But I ponder of normality and how people can breathe easily when they are home alone, or how knots do not grow in their stomachs when their eyes lock with a strangers'. I wish someone could rewire my brain because then maybe the pit in stomach would be filled and I would sleep instead of staring at the cracks on my ceiling.

I want you to need me in the middle of the night because you're aching
I want you to push the hair out of my eyes because you need to see the outline of my face not because it's tangled in between our mouths
I want you to fill this emptiness inside of my chest
I want you to learn the deep crevices of my soul
I want you to know that I can't hold your gaze without feeling insecure
and I want you to tell me that you'll never tire of looking into my hazel eyes and pressing your lips against mine

you'll never quite grasp
the aching in my chest
when I think of you not
loving me as much as
I do love you

I have yet to understand the way I cannot fathom my feelings
I express surface emotions with almost too much ease but
it's the things I feel at 2am when I know you're asleep and not dreaming of me

Relationships are not couches. I don’t want to be comfortable. I want to wake up at 3 AM shaking because I had a dream you found someone better. I want my chest to ache when it’s pressed up against yours and I want my heart to beat anxiously when I see you.