Ellyn k Thaiden: Poems

200 · Dec 2019

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2019

I had never felt such a way,
Until I met you

You cracked me apart and
Made me into something new

Your eyes, your lips
The way your fingers danced

When you played me piano,
Placed me in a tranced

Little did I know that
Was your siren song

Luring me into your arms
As I followed along

But now we've grown older
Then we drifted far apart

If only I could go back in time
And stop it from the start

Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night
Wishing I could make us feel right
Forcing myself to see the light
Instead what I feel is contrite
Instead I feel my airways, so tight
My brain is toxic, so let it ignite

Burn every bridge I ever built
Set it ablaze and walk away

Let the fire consume me and
Turn to ash what I cannot say

When we first crossed paths
There was a moment I was sure

That you would be my forever
That our love was pure

But then you cracked me open
I was raw and exposed

Slowly I lost myself
I started to necrose

I was holding myself together
Using glue that didn't stick

When you decided to attack me again
With your ***** tricks

You said you had met them
And that you loved them so

So quickly you gave up on us
So quickly you did forgo

When you left me, you left scars
Scars I'm afraid to show

And now you're talking about them
Your new lovers and how

You had never felt such a way,
Until you met them

195 · Oct 2013

Left Alone With My Thoughts

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

Left Alone With My Thoughts

I was left alone
And I thought too much

I shouldn't be left alone
Ever again

191 · May 2020

Can I Tell You a Joke? (A prose of sorts)

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2020

Can I Tell You a Joke? (A prose of sorts)

I've become such a people pleaser. I'll do anything to make people that I love not leave me. Everyone leaves me. Isn't that funny?

And as I please and I please, little bites of me are taken. With ever slice into my flesh I finally become useful, like they said I could be. Isn't this hysterical?

After so many years of keeping quiet. So many times being told that you're looking for attention, because you're "just not that interesting". After no one hearing you, you just stopped taking all together. Are you laughing yet?

There are things I thought I had locked away, I thought could never get through the walls of my heart. These memories bombard their way up my throat and straight to my eyes. Now it's all I see. All I hear. All I feel. Those hands and heavy breathing. The creek of the wooden stairs. How cold my skin went. How I would just lay there and stay silent. It's just ******* hilarious?

It's so hilarious I forgot to laugh.

I'm annngry and sad and also just ******* numb and done with existence.

#ptsd #tw

179 · Aug 2019

Tense

Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2019

Tense

My whole life
I've been described as
Hypervigilant

Trauma after trauma
I thought being an adult
Would solve these problems

I thought turning eighteen
And leaving my home behind
Would mean the end

But growing up doesn't mean
Bad things will suddenly
Stop happening to you

Growing up doesn't save you
From these new monsters
Under our beds

Growing up doesn't mean
That you're safe with the people
You thought you were safe with

Growing up just means you're
At it completely
And totally alone

The people you look toward
For comfort are the reason
That you're running in the first place

We are all born naked and alone
And we will all pass away
Naked and alone

Fight for yourself
Grow up for yourself
Live for yourself

Because in the end
You're what matters the most
You are all that's left

175 · Nov 2013

Right Behind

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2013

Right Behind

You walk
I walk

You smile
I'll smile right back

You leave this world
You leave this earth
You leave me alone

I promise you
I will follow
Right behind

175 · May 2019

Life Lessons

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019

Life Lessons

Some things have gotten
Mush worse since you left
Like how I can't stop the
Voices in my head anymore

My OCD is at its worse
I can't stop counting numbers
My anxiety won't leave me alone
It tells me I shouldn't leave the house

My parents wonder why I
Don't visit as often
My friends wonder why I would
Rather stay home than go out

My depression says to me
"No one loves you"
And my body feels like
A ******* strangers

I either eat too much
Or nothing at all
I don't sleep for days
Or I don't leave the bed for hours

But other things in my life
Have improved since you've been gone
Like I feel like I'm finally with
Someone who can be honest with me

I can finally write again
I can draw
I can read
I can breathe

You taught me how to love myself
When you never even loved me
You taught me how to respect
Myself and live freely

You showed me many different
Points of view
And how to open yourself up
To the people who deserve it

You taught me I need to respect myself
And to not let others dictate
How I feel
Or how I live my life

You taught me a lot
Like that I don't need you
To survive this life anymore
I can walk on my own now

Some things in my life feel like
They are falling apart
And slowly slipping from me
Like oiled up hands grasping at the edge of the cliff

But some things are slowly falling
Back into place
And maybe
Just maybe

I can live this life without you next to me

Maybe I will be okay in the end

Maybe I can find my way back to the light

Just maybe my life can be mine again

169 · Nov 2018

We Need to Get You a Key

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2018

We Need to Get You a Key

"We need to get you a key made"
First day in our new apartment
And I don't have a key yet
But I'm excited

Our words echo off the empty walls
And we argue over where the couch should go
We settle in, piece by piece
And everything is okay

"We need to get you a key made"
We've been living here for two months
Our habits are formed
There is ritual to the day

I try to find things to occupy my time
Projects and music and poetry
You go out every night
And I'm alone in an empty bed

"We need to get you a key made"
You aren't ever home
You've lost yourself
You are pulling away from me

"We need to get you a key made"
We fall apart
Piece by piece
You say you need space

We break up
I move out
I don't need a key anymore

This is all I could manage to write.

161 · Sep 2013

Oh I Wish I Could

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

Oh I Wish I Could

I miss you more
Than I thought I would

It's not healthy
And I know I should

Forget you and move on
Oh I wish I could

155 · Apr 2019

I Don't Know Who I Am Without You

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2019

I Don't Know Who I Am Without You

I don't sleep anymore
Instead I stay up thinking
Of the many ways I could
Have made you stay

Instead I think about
How many times you
Said you loved me
And how they were all lies

Instead I think about how
I wasn't good enough
And I never will be
Not for anyone

I just want to matter again
I want to matter like how
I use to for you
I use to mean something

And right now meaning anything
Would make me feel alive
Would make me feel something

It's so lonely here
It's so quiet

Wrote this a few months ago. Idk.

153 · Sep 2019

I Still See You

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2019

I Still See You

Sometimes I still wait for you
To walk through the door from work
And sometimes I still feel
Your arms around me, embracing me

Sometimes I still hear you
That laugh
Always contagious
Always filling up a room

Sometimes I still miss you
My heart aches
And emotions are still raw
Sometimes I wish you were here

Sometimes I still see you
Where you shouldn't be anymore
I should be okay
I should be fine

I should move on
I should stop being angry
Or sad or anything really
Over someone who doesn't even think about me

But here I am
Still hearing you
Still seeing you
Still feeling you
Still wishing you were here

143 · May 2019

PSA

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019

PSA

I'm pro people being people being polyamorous, but if you use that as an excuse to just see other people and string your partner along and you are just keeping said original partner around just to boost ya own ego, you're a *******.

**** me. Just ******* **** me now please. I'm so done with this life and ****** people acting like they aren't ****** just to make themselves feel better.

131 · May 2019

I Don't Know

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019

I Don't Know

I use to wonder what
I did to deserve you
Why you would pick me

You made me want to
Be a better person
To constantly improve

You held me and reassured me
You kissed away my worries and fears
You made promises

Promises you couldn't keep
Promises of a future
Promises to always love me

You promised to always choose me

But you didn't chose me
You chose them
I don't know why

How can you leave so freely
How can you not feel the
Same way I do right now

How can you carry on in life
Without me by your side
Without my love

How can you just move on
Like the last 5 years just
Didn't happen

How do you survive
Knowing that I'm in someone
Else's arms at night

Because I can't ******* breathe
I can't sleep
I can't funtion

At first I didn't know what I did
To deserve you
Now I don't know what I did to make you leave

I'm so lost and confused right now

125 · May 2019

Not Enough

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019

Not Enough

I wasn't good enough
For you to stay
You decided to find love
A different way

You left me thinking
I was broken somehow
That I loved you wrong
And it's over now

It's over for you
But not for me
You still haunt
My memories

You slip into my dreams
And you whisper quietly
"No one will ever love you
Like you love me"

What's so wrong about me
That makes people leave
What scared you away
And left me to grieve

You found happiness
In someone else's arms
They give you peace of mind
Apparently I caused you harm

I'm still clueless
And I feel so alone
Surrounded by people
My home isn't my home

It's an empty shell
Without you next in bed
I can't shut these thoughts up
They're racing through my head

I try to live without you
But it doesn't feel like living
I try to love without you
But I end up giving more than receiving

As the years go by
Maybe it will hurt less
But right now
You've ripped my heart from my chest

I pretend it's okay
To see you with them
But I honestly can't
Seem to comprehend

Why I wasn't enough
Why I couldn't be what you wanted
I don't know what I messed up
But every night I'm haunted

With how things could have gone
The life we could have had
The love I felt for you
Was I really so bad

I'll never be enough
For you or for the next
I should just give up
And put myself to rest

I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why it was so unbearable to be with me. I don't know why you would leave for other people. After you promised to stick with me. You don't promise someone forever if you can't give it. I know things change, but that's not how I see it. Why was I so hard to be with? Why couldn't you marry me like you promised? Why did you lie to everyone, including yourself? Why did you use me? How are you doing okay and forgetting me while I'm literally dying inside without you next to me. I can't stop crying. I just want to die.

122 · May 2019

Boats & Birds (Not Mine, Lyrics)

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019

Boats & Birds (Not Mine, Lyrics)

you'll be my star
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you sow off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you
Find another galaxy
Far
From here
With more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by
If you'll be my boat
I'll be your sea
A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
Ebbing
And flowing
And pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free
But you can set sail to the west if you want to
And pass the horizon
'Till I can't even see you
Far from here
Where the beaches are wide
Just leave me your wake to remember you by
If you'll be my star
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black
And you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here
With more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by
Stardust
To remember you by

Gregory and the Hawk. Hits home. I just need to let go, but I hate letting go of something I've invested so much of my time and life energy into. How do you walk away from something you still care immensely about? How do you throw away 5 years of your life? How do you just move on? How do you let go??
I'm so lost.

— The End —