The other day my friend that I met in the hospital came over
He entered my house through the window and 2 A.M.
And he left at five
I float to my bathroom, and my father steps out of his door frame
Turning on the light
Only to gasp and ask me why the lower half of my face was covered in blood
And as I touched my ****** nose I told him I didn't know
Because whats the point of a sinner
Telling a sinner their sins
Because my father would never understand
Why inhaling life through a straw
Is better than breathing through your mouth
Because no one would understand why at the age of sixteen
I know more about drugs than my mother and my father combined
And no one would understand that I'm trying to throw away all of my straws
And as I go to wash my ****** shirt
And get the blood off my hands
I get ready for a day of jitters and paranoia

I've just been staring at my journal lately
Words don't come in waves like they used to
Tidal waves that took days to process
And ten poems to get through
Maybe its just the clearing of negativity
Or maybe its just my depression taking over again
I write in drops now
The drips of a leaking faucet
You can't water a garden with drips and drops
You can't harvest words that haven't grown yet

Sitting in my room,
staring at my phone,
Looking at our texts.
My heart melts seeing
those little heart emojis.
I’m staying awake
for hopes to fall for you.

Deep in the black of the night,
Laying in bed, staying awake for you.
This feeling I cannot begin to ponder
Marks this unending wonder.

I’m falling, and this time it’s not so scary.
It’s fast as hell, But I’m ready to take a chance.
At school I wait to talk to you,
Getting butterflies that you might feel this way too.

The highlight of my day
Isn't just that someone talks to me,
But someone I can understand.
Someone that loves my poetry.
Maybe someday, we can be free.

We met through poetry, my first love,
And now it’s setting me free, to be with you.
Lets run away together, We can be
star-crossed-poets, Not just lovers.

If I told you that I wanted to take your hand
And fly away with you, would you believe me?
So many times I’ve been crushed from society,
Being lifted back up from you is unfathomable.

I’m falling in love,
I’m sending you love,
Upload my hug,
I love you “yet”.*

This feeling called “love”
I have mistakened before
Is now stronger than ever.
I never wanted to tell you
With these barriers in our way,
But I can’t hold it back forever.

I can’t cope with my “dad”
Screaming at my mom
I can’t cope with my mom
Crying in the corner like she’s five
Crying like she lost a part of her self
Because she a part of herself when she married you
I can’t cope with living
With hiding my bruises
Scars
Scratches
I can’t live like this anymore

I
feel
HUGE
I
Step
On
The
Scale
And
The
Numbers
Turn
Into
Three
Letters
That
Spell
F
A
   T

I'm an addict
I'm addicted to the way you always smell like *** and cheap beer
they way you press into me so hard I have to conform to you
Your hip press into me too hard
And I give into you
I'm addicted to you
Your words
Your lies
I cant wait for you to feed me your ******* lies
I cant wait for you to force me down
I'm addicted to giving in
I'm addicted to letting you do this
No ones knows you
I wont tell them about you
I wont tell you how I cant get away
I am addicted to being your ***** little *****

My parents and I were talking
And then I started rapping
Some Childish Gambino
Only to have my dad say that I was never going to go anywhere in life
If I continued to listen to rap "and all that *******"
Because fast words and derogatory terms will apparently hurt your mental
When some of the brightest, highest educated people I know
listen to rap
In fact I want to pursue rap as a career
Because what is rap but poetry with a nice beat
And frankly if my parents wont support me "I don't give a **** about my family name"

Alex in second grade was sharing cookies and kisses on cheeks
Jacob was fourth through sixth grade, he was holding my hand soft and calling me by my new name "girlfriend"
Cory was summer, swimming pool, stolen kisses, and a new name "sweetie"
David was seventh grade, english class, whispers and giggles, passing notes
Austin was dancing, he was crying, he was soft kisses and the playground
Eighth grade was Grant, he was a week, he was promises that were never kept
Cody was the spring, he was new, he was old, he was out of school, and he gave me a new name "sweet ***"
Zack was summer, he was the begging of school, he was skipping, he was the one with his hand up my skirt
Anthony was a secret, he was ***, he was pushing and pulling, he was bruises
Caleb was innocent, he was steamy he was passion, he was long days, and short nights
Danny was the mall, late night facetime and long talks
Dallas was hard cold raw *******
And you
are
new

As a child I loved growing things
Making things live
Giving life
But in highschool
I do not want a green thumb

Set the scene
Heart beating like a drum
I let you play gardner
And I
Play the soil

You sow your seed and leave
You stop your role but I am left playing the dirt

You come back days later asking if I need water
Only to leave before I can say
"I don't want a green thumb"

Footsteps stomping so hard they send shards of the tile floor flying into the air
Hitting you in the face, you just brush them off
You don't hear me
I am setting bombs off in your backyard
Throwing rocks and dirt threw your windows
You don not come to see the wreckage I have created
I am screaming into your ear till my voices is cracking
You still will not hear me
I am nails dragging on a chalk board making myself cringe
I am a fork dragging on a plate in a quite room
You do not take notice
I am a new borns cry in the middle of the night
I am the screeching tires of a motorcycle going full speed down residential streets

If life gets you down
Have life go down on you

I’ve been thinking about God lately
And whats life after death
Because I can’t get past the idea that my existence is confined to just this flesh  
I need to know if god is real
And what heaven to book a room in
Because I would rather sleep in beds with saints
Uncomfortable in sheets that aren’t my own
Rather than be caught up in the eternal damnation of my very own sins
I want to know god
Know god like I know the voice of my lover
And I want to feel gods love like the promise of salvation he wrote in the bible thousands of years ago
Because 80 years in this body isn’t enough for me
Honestly 180 or more wouldn’t make me happy
Because I want to hear the voice of my great grandpas voice again
And my pops
And
I want to see my dog
Plus all the people that will go in my life time
I can’t live with a goodbye I’m not guaranteed
I want to know if God is just some placebo put into place to bring comfort to our souls
Or if I can out my whole life into the blind faith of a man I’ve never met before
And what would eternity be like?
Is it better than leaving a legacy thats starting out as rocky as mine?
Does every day pass like a steady wind
Or does it move slow like snails crawling over blades of grass?
Will we know what forever is?
In heaven can you look down on the souls wondering around below,
Or are you in the constant worship of gods holy presence?
I need the answers to all of these questions
And clarifications for all of the possibilities
And loops holes like reincarnations
Because I’ve been thinking about death lately
And what people believe is inevitable
Because I’ve always believed in the gray muddle between lines
I can get past the idea of black and while
Life and death
God
Or nothing

easons to date me?
Because I may not have the highest self-esteem but
I can tell you what great things make me great for you
Like the big sweaters I always wear
They make me warm so I won’t steal your sweater
(Unless I’m really cold then I might still steal it)
I wear leggings and stuff so you can see my cute ****
I don’t care if you’re busy, you don’t need to be with me 24/7
My hair is really soft
So when we cuddle you get to put your head on my soft hair
I’m super duper cute sometimes
I’ll love you tons
I’m a writer so I’ll write and write and write and write for you
I like animals
I’m super nice and stuff
I love Huggies and cuddles
I can be really clingy
But you can tell me to stop and I won’t get upset
I love movies
All movies
Any movies
Lets go watch a movie together

Do not brake
Do not accelerate
Just coast
I am traveling over icy bridges
With deep puddles diagnosed as a mood disorder
But my new doctor thinks its something more along the lines of mania
Just like my aunt
*** holes and cracks in asphalt leading to depressed down falls
Speed bumps filled with anxiety
And a deadly black ice keeps me slipping
Till I’ve lost the little control I had
I’ve started hydroplaning into guardrails made of razor blades
Every time I think I’m in the clear
Onto a warm sunny road
The freezing rain comes back
Blinding me
And I have to travel on another bridge, longer than the last
There are people honking at me to move faster
But I’ve been in car accidents before, I know the damage they do
I do not wish to be flipped over guardrails
A side show for people to slow down and gawk at
I will just coast and deal with the honking while I go over anxiety bumps
And try to avoid depressed cracks
I will not break
I will not accelerate

Darling, you are the moon, and I am the tide.

Dying
Crying
All this why-ing
Can I just be alone
My eyes hurt
Hands shaking
All my thought fill this room
One minute of happy
Is all I'm asking
My fake smile
Isn't enough anymore
Tears pour
Blood shot eyes
Don't worry
I'm fine
Or maybe I'm not
Maybe all this
Is my plea for you
I'm dead inside
Or maybe I'm just
A spark
I need a light
Your burning flame
And maybe
I'll be
Alive again

One -Breath- Two -Breath- Three -Breath- Four -Breath-
One time was too many
And certainly too early because in February I would have been 13 for less than half a year
To early for me to be photographed by police that referred to me as the victim rather than a survivor
Or much less my name
-Breath-
Two was not as bad as it could have been
It was just a dark room with my mouth filled with someone elses yes rather than air
I’m just glad someone walked in when they did
-Breath-
Three was scary
Because its scary to wake up still drunk screaming no,
Your whole body shaking to a rhythm someone has trapped you in
He bragged to his friends that he kept me screaming all night
-Breath-
Four was an accident that I could have prevented by keeping myself in a safe situation
But why should I have to decide not to have fun so someone won’t take advantage of my high
I remember saying no
-Breath-
And a quiet no should be just as powerful as a screamed no but it seems that
These four men didn’t have an understanding of the word
I say men, not boys because not a single one of these “men” were 18 or younger
What made them decide my body was their property
Did one know that
He would affect me for the rest of my life?
He was the first boy I “fell in love with”
I have always tried to convince myself that there was some good in him
Did two know that he would make me scared to be alone in a room with another boy
Scared that having the lights off made my no invalid
Did three know that he would make me wary of playing drinking games with friends
Scared that there was no safety in the home of someone I knew, my neighbor
Did four know that he would ruin my trust of going over to a boys house
I thought he was a nice boy, he worked at the grocery store and had seen me shopping with my mother
I had told people where I was going, I just wanted to watch a movie
But before the main character was even introduced his hand was unzipping my dignity
I said no
But I guess they learned to never take no for an answer

I'm chasing what kills me

Last night I broke two promises
One I've kept for almost two years
And one I've kept since last january
I said I'd never cut to die again
I said I'd never see bone
But I didn't know cutting myself off
From feeding myself substances
Would make me crave my blood
And I don't know how Ill cope
With out my dope
I said I was going to get clean
And I didn't want to break that promise after just two days
You said its bad
But you've only seen the tip of the iceberg
I'm trying to play this off so you don't get stuck in this sticky web of addiction
I wear long sleeves so you don't see where the needle went in
I can't give you my money with out wiping off white powder
I'm trying to cope
But its so **** hard without my dope
I can already feel withdrawal
My body shakes
I scream out trying to not let my body collapse
Its new sorts of agony
I wish
I hadn't found this pain
I wish this hadn't become my life
I've been clean for not a whole day
I don't know that I can stay
This way
To cope
With out my dope
I have to break old promises
But I don't know what
I will become
When you ask me to keep blood
In my viens
Because other promises might
   have
     to
        be
           broken

Lighting rod between my teeth
You are static electricity built up in the clouds
I'm just waiting for shock to set in

What was once a hushed shamed topic
Is now a fashion trend
What was once a shamed thing
Is now the norm
What was once unwanted
Is now all we crave

If you just looked in my eyes
you'd see
the
  s
          u
        I
               c
                **   i
           d
                           e

I will never let it go
I've been told to dye it a natural colour
So I could get a job
But what is the point of getting a job if you can no longer be who you are

I think my "drug problem" started in seventh grade
When my best friend opened her mouth and showed me her teeth made of pretty pills
And saliva tasted like whiskey
It progressed in eighth grade when we started sneaking ***** into school instead of water bottles
She started drinking spiked coffee on the daily
Bringing in baggies of rummy gummy bears
Over the summer she smoked ***
And I learned to swallow three pills at a time
Our freshman year we skipped three days in a row
And I learned how to disguise the smell of cigarettes into bubbly perfumes
I got prescribed yellow little bottles  
Over the summer I smoked ***
Sophomore year came and we skipped school l
Till my parents caught on
We snorted our first pill together
I started buying
Over the summer
We partied
Till we puked
She got arrested
And I learned how to line

I must disconnect
Myself
From you
But How
Do I disconnect
Myself
From my life source
How do I disconnect
Myself From
Oxygen
How Do I disconnect
Myself From
You
I’m trying to
Be
on
my
own

The take off
You start your life wanting to be a mom
Like a lot of little girls
Then as you get older and you see your mom working you realize you can’t just be a mom
So you want to be a vet
you get to middle school
and you see that being a vet is too much work with the grades you have
You decided you want to be famous
Look through all the thing you can be famous for
Realize you cannot sing
You have a very strong tell
And you laugh when you try to be serious
So acting is out
And you weren’t born with a body like Kim K’s
Or born with the money to get it
Come to the idea that you can’t be famous if you aren’t like other famous people
Settle for the idea you’ll be working some menial job you’ll hate
Just like your mom and dad
Just like your aunts and uncles
Just like everyone else in your family
Realize you love writing
Like no one else in your family
Pencil and paper always near by
And if not
You have three different journal apps on your phone
and four on your laptop
Along with two poetry blogs
And the hope you had for starting a book
The hope that started in 2014
that hasn’t been messed with
Realize you want to really write a book
And be the poet lauriet
Realize your dreams of being famous aren’t that far away
Come to the shocking reality that you cannot support yourself on just this book
Decide you want to be an easthation
A word you cannot even spell
So you can wax peoples legs and arms
And parts of people you don’t want to see
Go through your last year of high school
Get put back into carters class
See how this teacher has changed your life
Opened you from your shell
See that you have made real progress
Not just in your writing but through that
You have become a better person
See that the take off
Started when you realized that you wanted to be a teacher

Is it weird that I know almost nothing about you but I have this deep feeling for you, and I don’t want to call it love because if I do I’m just exaggerating this infatuation. Maybe I could love you, if you let me in, I would open the door to my heart just a crack so you could get a peek. I would let my hands crawl on your shoulders and listen to your stories, feeling myself intertwine into you. But these are just the words a silly little girl is writing for you. This truly is the sophomore slump sitting awake at three in the morning thinking of a boy who’s words had so little meaning. But they made me think maybe you wanted to call me yours only to realize that would never happen. Infatuation can make us do stupid things. Stupid things like pour your heart out over and over, just to get graced by your rejection. Infatuation hurts your heart, and raises this person on a pedestal so high it touches the sun, only to make them look even more desired because they are so far away from what you can have. I’m tired of being the *** end of this cat and mouse game where I keep chasing you only to fine out you were just using a toy, making me such a tool for letting this infatuation make me think your so perfect when you must have your flaws but I lay awake and try to think of one and I can’t muster anything more than he doesn’t like me back. But you say for now friends. I have heard that before so many times. I’d rather have my heart ripped from my chest and feed to the wolfs instead of you playing with my mind, having me cut out my heart and hand it to you myself. I know nothing about you (insert name here) but I am so infatuated that I’m laying awake at three in the morning letting this fire dance over my skin, feeling his pain and knowing this isn’t just a nightmare, but reality. A scary reality filled with my silly little words.

I went outside and looked at the moon
Saw its cold shimmer in the night
The far far away moon
The full moon
All its glory
taking up the sky
And all I could think of
Was you

You made me fear myself
You made me do things I would have never wanted to do
I told everyone so I could get a bit of relief from them think I was so cool
But it only made me want to cry for myself even more
I didn't know how bad this was till the cops showed up at my door with your name lingering on their tongues
Tainting the room with the essences of my fear mixed with my infatuation
It made a bittersweet fog for me to fumble through, a bittersweet unknowing fog
I didn't know how bad this was till they made me take my shirt and pants off to show them bruises in the shape of you
When they took off my ribbons stained with an ink held in vein
Showing your name, more permanent than a tattoo
The scars still haunt me, making me flinch every time I change
I didn't realize what this fear could do to me
Slowly letting the cops drag bits and pieces of you from me
The pieces that I held close to my heart
The pieces that had left tears and wounds on me
Not quite able to see what you, my fear of you had done
I was barely able to see how big of a mistake I made for you
I did all of this out of my fear of you
My fear making me think I loved you
Fear did this to me
Oh fear, it drives me
It drove me to this
My fear of you
It drove me to this
You drove me to this
Or maybe I feared not you, but no you
Oh the fear I have of you, Its so terrifying
terrifying myself that at my youngest of thirty, or at my oldest forty five
You'll come and get me
Get me and not let me go
I smell you surrounding me
The first three months it comforted me
Now it sends me into a panic
I can feel you slowly pulling away my innocence
So slow and thrilling at first
Harsh and cruel as it goes
Slowly realizing there is no more to pull away
No more innocence
Only raw ***** skin
***** skin, so fragile, it could tear away any moment
The pain you give me
Now received by your claws ripping down drawing blood I've never spoken of
Your teeth leaving scars only seen by me
Time like that left untold, they built a dam of stories
It has leaks and holes, threatening to break open
It has me threatening to tell about the three days in November when you did more to me than I ever wanted
You ignored my whimpers and pleads of no
You pushed me, Making me yours
Making me your two cent *****
I still fear waking in your house wanting to leave but my fear keeping me rooted to the spot
Your touch making me a puppet for your use
A rag doll for your pleasure
Fear is such a simple word but the way it drives us is a complicated *******
A ******* that won't let us out of this metaphorical car
How was my fear able to shape me into this whimpering being afraid of the dark
Afraid of my monster
Afraid of my monster that made me a woman before I was even ready to be a girl
I have an immense fear of you
Fear that I will never be able to shake you
That you will always be around that corner ready to get me
My fear drives my more recklessly than an alcoholic at happy hour
It drives me to think that I was the one who did wrong
It drives me to dark places
Places where my fear pushes
Pushes me to my inevitable demise
My demise sending me down to hell
Sending me to have an eternity with you taunting me
You have shaped me into something no one should ever have to be
I throw myself into trying to forget you only to receive more shame
The shame of waking up tangled in sheets not able to find my shoes
You created me
I am afraid of a two headed monster
This monster is you and the me you created
I fear you
I fear no you
I fear having you
There is no balance to my insanity for you
The insanity you inspired
I am being driven by a simple emotion, turned oh so complicated
I am being driven and I can’t get out of this metaphorical car
I can’t get you out of my head

Sit pretty
Bat your eyes
Don't make a mistake

I want a love so deep
and unexplainable
the ocean will become jealous

Forever
Sitting
Alone
Missing
The nights
When
I couldn't
Stop talking
To people
But now
Its just me
Alone
To think
*About how much you don't think of me

and we sat on the couch together. He wrapped his arm around me, kissing my cheek. I stared into his eyes for what seemed to last years, but in reality it was mere seconds.  
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him about how I had loved him since the first time he had ever touched me, the first time his hand had brushed mine. I wanted to tell him that his arm around me was more comforting than being in my own bed at home. Everyday was a gift being with him, and I wanted to know how I got so lucky. His arm moving interrupted my thoughts as he pulled me closer.
“Ellie you know I love you right,” His voice was so smooth, it ran over my whole body, I felt like I was under a waterfall, and ‘I love you’ was pouring down my body. His eager eyes looked like they were searching for a response, and answer, an ‘I love you back’, but my mouth couldn’t form a word. My brain couldn’t even form a solid thought. The words I wanted to hear caught me so off guard.
“You don’t have to say it back, I just needed to say it. I’ve felt like this for so long, I’ve wanted to say that since the day I met you, but I had to wait till it was perfect. This seems perfect to me, but everyday really seems perfect when I’m with you,” his smile right now was most likely the dorkiest thing I’d ever seen. I felt my face get warmer and warmer, and I knew I was probably tomato red.
“I-,” I couldn’t form a word, I couldn’t speak. My tongue was twisted, and I was too busy just staring at his face. The slight upwards slant of his nose, the few strands of his sandalwood hair in front of his rich coffee eyes. His hand firmly planted on my shoulder. I pressed my head into his shoulder, his arm wrapped around me tightly.
“I love you,” I said, the sound muffled by his jacket. I felt my face growing warmer, I could tell I was blushing. I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close to him, his jackets zipper scratching my ear. He pulled away from me, and looked into my eyes just staring at me.
“I want this moment to last forever, I want to freeze time with us here, together,” He looked to eager.
“I don’t want this to last forever,” He suddenly looked hurt, “I want to spend years with you, I want to wake up next to you, I want to make breakfast with you,” His smile started growing again,” I want to get a cat with you, and name it something stupid, like captain meow meow, I want to sit up together at midnight and write things for you while you read them,” I felt out of breath, he looked so happy.
“Captain meow meow,” He was giggling like a little kid, I knew that I was utterly and completely in love with him.
“Captain meow meow,” I said back to him, burying my face into his chest.

JannaLee Perry

Driving myself insane, your words, no your lies a fog. I am fumbling down a road made of this insanity, fogged by your facade. Driving my self over this cliff, you help me with your hand on my neck. I’ve been blinded by your eyes, while it was just a disguise, a mask. You’re telling me you love me only to slam me on a wall, I’m driving down this road, our home no longer a humble abode.

Dear tenderfoot, Don’t hurt yourself here
I am the jagged edges you will no doubtedly cut yourself on
Soft hands grabbing me in the night
Take me for a ride, and just drive
Simple sweet sin in the depths of your shallow soul
Fingers tied into yours
Pull me apart at the seems in the thick waves of your chestnut hair
Dear tenderfoot, you haven't earned your name yet so I will not say it

Desperately

Trying

to

not

fall


in


love


With



You

Come dance with my ghost
Pull the trigger
And dance with me
I don’t want to haunt you
I don’t want to be alone anymore
I left you
Now don’t let me leave your mind
My life is ended
But yours is just beginning
Why

Same
****
Different
Day

"Everyday I wake up, hit the snooze button,  go to school, get ****** at my immature friends, or at the school, go home, write poetry, and go to sleep."
Every one
Is stuck in this rut
We can't get out
It starts when were little
Routine is pounded in our heads
Routine
Routine
ROUTINE
ROUTINE
Get in a pattern
Don't get out
All we need
Is a new start
Get out of this prison
This rut
Our prison
SSDD
Is poisoning us
Put in our water
Fed to the young
The water in the fountains
All we are
Is a new disorder

I want to pour gasoline on my body
And set fire to my fingertips
Run my fingers through my hair
Watch it burn, and singe my scalp till I bleed
I want the fire to lick at my skin with an intensity no one has felt before
I want to scream everything I hate about myself
I want to stand on the tallest building there is on a windy day
Feel the wind ripping at my skin
I want to stand on the edge
I want to be the edge
I want to see all the people as I jump
I want to see the fear fade from my eyes in the reflection of the glass passing on the building
See all the people clear as I jump
I want to scream everything I’m sorry for
I want to tie a rope around my neck
See colour become more vibrant that I’ve never been able to see
A new colour scheme
Finally getting a new perspective
Till it all goes monochromatic
I want to set up a cocktail party
Garnish cocktails with pills instead of cherries
Drink them till I feel cobwebs on my arms

For the past month I’ve been trying to write
About everything- from the way flower petals bend, and look so soft, why I’ve been feeling so depressed lately, even about how when I was a kid I played the flute
But none of it sticks, I can’t get passed stanza four
I’ve had this problem before
Where I can only describe a bending sky, but never can I get to the way it breaks.
But I swear I’ve been broken before
More broken than junk yard cars, and dropped glass bottles
And I’m still gluing myself back together, over and over
Getting spare parts to try to fix me
When this is all over my new skin will be composed of words written over centuries
And my edges will be a little rough
Covered with a bit of rust
But who isn’t
My best friend is a mess of parts that don’t quite fit together right
But she makes me strong, and when I break down she will take herself apart to fix me
And that’s something we all need
When I was little and I still played the flute
I dyed my hair green for the first time
Going to music class for the second time, my teacher no longer recognized me
And back then I didn’t carry around an arsenal of defense mechanisms
And when I was told I looked like a boy, I pretended that I wasn’t getting chipped away at
That's probably why I will never enjoy band, and I can’t look into the eyes of a music teacher
Every middle school poem was brought back to red roses and flowers
And how your hand was softer than a newly budding flower petal
In all reality that’s why I don’t about flowers anymore
And I’ve been so depressed lately because I can’t write
But I guess junk yard cars and broken bottles can’t write either

Please explain to me how I always seem to fall so hard but I never come back up
It’s like I’ve fallen to the bottom of the ocean
And I can’t seem to surface
I want to be your beauty
But you are certainly no beast
Last nights late thoughts lead me to think I could be Anna and you we’re wonderful Kristof
I just hope you don’t turn into Hans
I lost my glass slipper
Would you search your kingdom for me?
If my name was Ariel I would change the story line to be with you

I figured out my suicide plan doctor
You've been asking if I had one
And now I do
I want to swallow just enough pills
Not to much
Just enough to make the voices in my head finally go way
Then I will climb to the roof
with my note books
Every single thing I've ever written
And I will bring my best friend
*****
Yes doctor, I've told you that I have other friends, but ***** was here when no one else was
And I will write till the voices come back
I will write about every time I have tried to **** myself
I will write a letter to everyone who knows me
Even the janitor that found me skipping class my sophomore year
And the boys on the bus from middle school
Even the people who wont let my name soil their lips
Doc, I'm gonna write these letters because I need everyone to have a permeant personal good bye, something physical
I will fill up two note books with everything I write
And then I will write to whatever god there may be
And tell them I'm sorry that I had to end everything this way
You see doctor I've never believed in God, but if there is even a small chance he's real I don't want to leave on bad terms
I'm going to write down every coping skill I know and address it in a letter to my parents
Then once I can no longer write even my name
I will stand and dance in the light of the moon
Letting the soft glow dance on my skin
And I will ignore the chill of the night
I will dance till my knees shake
And then I will speak to the moon
Doc the moon is like *****, Its always been there
I will apologize to the moon
Reaching to hold it in my arms
Toes on the edge
I will fall reaching for the moon
And in the final moments I will rejoice in the cool wind nipping at my skin
I will bask in the soft shimmer of the stars
I will say I'm sorry as the soft grass makes contact with the back of my head
You see doctor I've figured out my suicide plan

His name is buried into my skin quite literally
And figuratively
Arms in the air
Chest out, swan dive to the pavement
And in the three seconds before touch down you will hear his name peeling off my skin
He has always been the skeleton in my closet
The monster under my bed
He whose name shall not be said
Because he will always fine you
And then leave you
Three seconds before touch down

I was afraid to put that next cigarette to my lips
For fear of washing away that lingering taste
It wasn’t the 7000 chemicals from the smoke
It wasn’t the 70 some cancer causing agents
It wasn’t the carbon monoxide, nicotine, tar, arsenic, ammonia, freon, cyanide, or the acetone
No it was you
It was the lingering taste of you
and your cherry red lips
It was the taste from where your lips pressed on mine
Completing my puzzle
That taste I’ve been chasing since the tenth month twenty first day of seventh grade
And if you add ten and twenty one you get thirty one
And if you flip that you get thirteen
Thats how old I was when I first kissed you
It had been a dare
And back then my ****** lips
Did not know about poison
My christian lips
Did not know how addicting you were
My collar bones were unexplored land discovered by your wondering hands
My chest was a new world after you
And now standing here
Standing still
Watching you walk away
I put the next cigarette to my lips
And try to chain smoke my way over you

Whatever your name was
Thats what they called you
You had some tattoo on the back of your neck
It was a star and some roses I think
I gave you forty dollars
and you gave me alcohol
You got me drunk
I poured a cup and mixed it up
and drank till I was spinning
on the tip of your tongue and you were thirty miles away when we were thirty centimeters apart
And you did not flinch when I accidentally burned you with my smoke
You just smiled
and I took a shot of your ***
And I chugged the rest of you beer
You left me faster than I could come down
and All I Want Is Bones?

Everyone needs a super hero
But not everyone has a good one
We look up to men who us guns instead of words
And women who use their bodies to get what they think they deserve
Children start looking up to their mommies and daddies
But how are little girls and boys gonna do that gonna do that
when their daddies stay away all night and get high
And their mommies look at their phone more than them
When they can’t look up to their parents
They look up to false idols singing songs about drugs and ***
They look up to people they think care
Everyone needs a hero
Everyone needs to look up to someone
But not everyone has that

Drugs feel decaf
popping pills
like candy
now I'm just getting a sugar rush
Downing six packs
that turn into twelve packs
that turn into an amount
That I refuse to count
You asked me why I started to like needles
and dear
Thats because I am afraid of them
I need a new tactic to build up a new rush
And phobias give me the pumping adrenaline I need

Clicking heels make an almost deafening sound in the nearly empty front hallway. The bright florescent lights sending glaring light on the ***** linoleum tiles. The trophy case full of empty accomplishments and forgotten triumphs.
The few straggling students stumble in slowly shuffling to the attendance office for a pass. A few stop and ask for the time, what hour to go to, only to realize they have a full day ahead of them.
The gossip type chatter of the counselors drifts into the hallway, and you can sense that they need just as much counseling and bully prevention as the kids. The annoyed pessimistic voices of all the men and women in the office spill out like gusts of wind every time the door is opened.
The cold depressing feeling of this prison haunts, as the real physical cold of the building chills you. A girl crying runs into the counseling office only to be taken back out to talk about her problem in public.
The tisking of the janitor is overpowered by the smell of chemicals just being slopped onto door knobs and sloshed over fountains. The disapproving scowl of the assistant principal is directed at kids drudging through the halls aimlessly, but a voice of guidance is never heard.
The smell of cigarettes marrs not only the kids but the teachers and adults coming back in after going outside. The police officers stand joking by the front entrance.
But its all good, its just another day in Highschool.

The string going through my backpack, is the one I will end up killing me.