If eyes are the window to your soul
Mine must be curtained
Mine must be hidden behind these tears
Because if you knew what is happening
Inside
If you knew how my demons kept trapping me
If you knew about my finger nails scratching me
If you knew how I try to keep hiding me
If eyes are the window
Mine must be locked, shut, closed tight
Boarded, Two by fours nailed
Curtaining my tormented soul
If you knew my pain
I f you knew How much hatred I gain
You would know Why I've lain
The blade and my skin
Letting the balled of my sadness pour out in red notes
If eyes truly are a window
mine are Curtained

I have an irrational fear of bodies of water
When I think of them,
I feel my lungs tightening
My fingers get numb
I see sharks coming towards me
mouths wide open
Its the kind of fear where thinking about it makes your whole body shake and tense up at the time
Your teeth grit together and you just
When I was little I used to swim almost every day, I practically lived in the pool
I wanted to be a mermaid, spend every moment in the water, the ocean was a whole new world
I spent my summers living in the lake
Diving into the water and trying to touch the bottom
I thought heaven would be a utopia of oceans
And we would spend eternity floating
The first thing I did when I went to florida was run to the ocean
I ran till my bare feet were no longer hitting ground but treading water  
Swimming in pure bliss and happiness
But that all changed about two summers ago
I was riding a wave runner when My father turned a little too hard
And I was thrown off
It was in that moment that my body forgot how to swim
Sinking in the water light was hard to see
Every single fear that you could have about water flowed into me
I feel my lungs tightening
My fingers get numb
I see sharks coming towards me
mouths wide open
Thrashing in the water till I found the surface I saw my father  
Attempting to swim to him, I some how found my way back on the wave runner
I found myself back into the lake house
I’ve never been back in a lake since, not even a body of water
I got nervous the first time I got into a swimming pool at my friends house
I hope that heaven is dry land
And even though I don’t live by the ocean I’m still overwhelmingly terrified of it
And I’ve found that your love, is the ocean.

-Im about-
I’m about spoken word on youtube
Split screen with my blog, writing in my journal
I’m about
Cold doctor pepper
Home made chicken noodle soup
And Netflix binges
Living on the edge with a facade of being 50 yards away from it
Stolen nights
Nicotine
And midnight adventures
I’m about making bad decisions
Just so I can write a good poem
Kissing destruction
While wrapping myself in a blanket of false security
I’m a ****** nose
And a series of broken knuckles
I’m about
Once can’t hurt
And twenty other first tries
I’ve got a mouth full of white lies
And trace amounts of guilt in my pocket
I’m claiming my stake on new lands
And exploring uncharted territories

The lighter I lit my first cigarette with
The lighter that gave me my first burn
The lighter that I drew band logos on
The lighter my best friend gave me
The lighter my best friend stole for me
The lighter that was in my pocket when I kissed a girl for the first time
The lighter I still keep even though it doesn't light
The fire that accidentally set my carpet on fire
The lighter that guided me through the tunnels
The lighter that fell out of my pocket when I kissed the boy I loved
The lighter I love
The lighter who's love is not returned
The lighter that fell on the floor in class
The lighter that got me written up
My lighter
The lighter I can't refill
The lighter with no purpose
Only memories
The lighter
My lighter
My perfect lighter

I can't think of what to write
Pen to paper
Fingers to keys
I cant think of what this piece needs
- What inspiration
- What desperation
I can't think
There seems to be nothing left

We just want love
If you think about it
Thats what we all crave
We just want love
We want to osmotically absorb it into our blood
It doesn't matter to us how we get it or who we take it from
We just want to cover ourselves in a blanket of infatuation
Or maybe we crave the love our parents never gave us
We want to smooth out the bumps on our face
The lines on our arms
We want love we don't care who gives it to us
We just want it why do you think we go out and do stupid things
We want love
Your love mommy and daddy
I want you to put away your phone and take a day off work and love me
I **** up so you can kiss my cuts and stitch me up
Tell me you love me not like you do in front of the therapist
Not like you do in court
Not like you do in front of the cops
Tell me you love me
Tell me you really really love me

I have been aquatinted with the bad
Wearing low cut shirts to show the world
Short skirts, giving more than a stripper
I have skipped school to steal hearts
I have hurt many
Only to pity myself
I have tried to drown the pain
I found myself at the bottom of every bottle
and then some
I have walked lonely halls
trying to avoid the all knowing teachers eyes
But
I have let my self
Become aquatinted with the bad

I saw this poem you wrote
and I got my hopes up
Sky high
and then I realized
It wasn't for me
But I keep it tucked in my mind
because maybe one day
it could be

Sitting in my room
Face glowing with a
harsh
bright
glow
From my phone
Seeing your typing
Seeing your texts
Seeing
you
send
infatuation
"I don't love you
yet"
"the feeling is mutual"
I'm in class now
I don't check my phone
Knowing your not there
But you will be
You make me feel
Like I'm not alone
You make me feel
Like I'm understood
You hear me
But your not here
With me
I don't know
Where I'm going with this
But I don't love you
Just *yet

Staring at blank pages
   I'm a writer
Words leaving me in my most desperate times I'm screaming
   I'm a writer
My identity can be summed up in three words, four syllables, nine letters
   I'm a writer
Sitting in my kitchen at two in the morning, pens and paper scattered everywhere
   I'm a writer
In a craft store grabbing blank note books, and three packs of pens
   I'm a writer
Even though I don't have anything noteworthy
   I'm. A. Writer.

One best friend is needed
*Will pay in long night phone calls
Endless sleep over
Unbroken promises
Coming over at three a.m. with ice cream
Talking trash on stupid boys
Crying all night
Sharing hopes and dreams

Words stuck in my head
A spinning carousel
I'm falling down to hell
I need help
Please help
I'm drowning
I'm drowning
*and i cant save my self

Chronically
The bullies
Chose the victims
The innocent
Or not so innocent
The ones who need more protection
The ones, needing more care
The fragile beings, with big eyes
Never-ending hearts
Turning into cold unforgiving creators
Walls built up
And the tears stay in
Drowning themselves
Till they are dead inside
Dead inside
A hollow shell

Coughing fits
One A.M.
Glass pipes
And bud
loosely fit words
Flowing on the the page
Like smoke out of my mouth
Nose bleeds
Two A.M.
Cut straws
White lines
Along with the blue lines
On my paper, with scribbled words
Only half legible
Panic attacks
Three A.M.
Sharp thoughts
Red lines
Words scribed in cold blood
Not entirely true
Hospital trips
Four A.M.
I.V. lines
Stomach pumps
Screamed I’m sorry's from my mothers lips
Why would you do this cutting through the air from my fathers mouth
****** noses from stress
Heart monitor
Five A.M.
Dripping line
White room
Mama were going to keep her for  awhile
Police holding my mother back
My father hanging his head in shame

I fell in love,
I didn't even mean to

But does anyone ever mean to?

Sitting out side crying
Because I don't feel like my best friend lives me like she used too
I came I've here because I was depressed
And I needed her
But her boyfriend came over
And now it's one on the morning and he's still here
And I'm crying on her back porch
Wanting to go home
But it's too late to ask my mom

She tried to drop out of school
And I still supported her
She's been my best friend for four years on the 2141st of October
But what if I can't handle four more years

Sitting on her back porch crying
I have no one to talk to
And no where to go
My only comfort is writing

Sitting here
Let me disappear
Let me become the dirt on your shoes
You said to me
We were the flowers and the bees
And now I’m dying without you
Withering with to much emotion
Yet you won’t look at me
I was once ‘you’re precious daisy’
But now I’m left here dying
Dying and crying
Without you
Sitting here
Let me disappear
No longer a problem

Every artist has dabbled here and there with everything from
Making your own artificial clouds into the night sky
Letting tabs of lysergic acid diethyl amide melt onto your tongue
There are those who not only put pen to paper
But put needle to skin
There are those born with ideas, and those who sniff them up with rolled up dollar bills
And there are theses who’s best thoughts come from nose bleeds and a heart rate of 150 bpm
There are those who lay putting all effort into form misshapen words on a blank canvas
and there are people over medicating falsified illnesses with the contents of yellow little bottles
There are those who drown themselves in self apathy, and agony

Long waving rolling green hill
Bathing in the early morning dew
Soft flower peddles
Push off your skin
Roll in the purity of ****** nature
cascading droplets
soft grass blades
Mothers touch

I’m waiting to write a good piece
I’m waiting to write something amazing
I’m waiting to write a piece to touch your heart
I’m waiting to write a piece that will be something amazing
I’m waiting to write a piece that will be forever remembered
Or maybe just temporarily glorified

Writers blovk is a **** block between pen and paper
I stole that line from a friend and I think she stole it from a writer
Writers block is so universal it even affects people who don't write
Pen to paper
All I want to do is write
I'm desperate to write about anything at this point
I'm trying to write a book
I've got fifty pages of pure poetry
And lines of future poems
I've said before I'm an unfinished poetry piece
and when I'm polished I will have skin made of stories told over centuries

I've been trying to write for months
More desperate than junkies on city corners
Because the lines I write on my paper
Are better than the ones you take up your nose
Paper in this notebook is worth more than the paper that you brag about having on social media
You see I've taken to choosing words and phrases
Rather than choosing what strand to smoke next
Fancy words like abittor
Do more for me than Lysergic acid diethylamide
Withdrawls from pen and paper are worse than
Withdrawls from amphetamines
Being a writer
Is something you are never warned about
Because one day you will on top of the world
And the next day you will be on the edge
Just to get an adrenaline rush and motivation to write
Why do you think the best writers sucumb to alchohal stains, white noses, and scared veins
The best writer I know has shelves of prescriptions, like a library of books
My favorite poems are inspired not by writers lines, but rather lines I chop myself
Drinking your poems with ***** as a chaser
No one warns you about being a poet

Breathing
Your airy words now lack the conviction to make me listen 
Your flow-y hair no longer makes me worship you 
Your bubblegum lips may speak 
But you just say words 
There is no longer poetry in the curve of your hips 
Your hands no longer create art 
Your body language has gone extinct 
I used to write symphonies dedicated to you walking away from me 
I wrote sonnets about the warmth of your embrace chilled by your past 
Your eyes no longer no longer tell the world you love it
The voice you have no longer speaks poetically
Your breath used to manifest hope
But now it manifests into the background noise of an average high school girl
And this background noise seems to be on repeat
You used to put pure emotion on paper
But now its pure desperation
What happened to the girl who used to stop her feet screaming **** the system
Because all thats in front of me is a tip toeing girl afraid to make a sound
You used to cry out songs
But now your trying to bleed out a poison rooted in your veins
You are no longer powerful
Your head is no longer held high
When did you trade your best friend for abuse?
When did you trade poetry for drugs?
*When did you trade in your self?

I love you more than 16 miles
I already told you that
Because even though its cheesy
I love you to the moon and back
I love you more than 23 minutes
Trust me I’ve traveled long trips
And I’ll travel longer for you
I’d travel half way across the country
And all they way back
Just to see you for five minutes
I want to send my love in baskets
But it would take years to send it all
I want to write out my love
But it would take epics to do it
I love you more
Than
Anything really
I love you so much I haven’t really been able to think about anything else
The dopamine has taken over my brain
And You’ve got me drugged
And I love you more than that
I love you more than the six months its going to take for me to legally drive to you
I love you more than a taxi fare
I love you more

Typing fingers
faster
pause
read
see the excitement in your screens reflection
type
a little too quickly
and wait
wait
wait
wait
see yourself checking
just one time
one more time
one more time
and
read
smile
see in in the reflection
type just a little too quickly

repeat

My innocence hides from me like a child
Making me search for it
Slowly making me go wild
It makes me crazy
Sating nothing will faze me
But you do
You make make me scared
Pulling me from here to there
Pulling me from hell and back
You thrill me
You scare me
My innocence hide from me like a child
And now I’ve gone wild

But what do you do if there is nothing left to write

I broke
I found a way
To break
Almost every promise I have made
In a matter of a day
I managed
To
Get
So
Messed
Up
My arms
Are red
And my
Thighs are raw
I’m laying back
Letting my pain
Melt away
Waking up
With a bad headache
And
A
Bad
Pain
All
Over

But I am the moon
And you are the sun

*We shall never collide

I'm allergic to dogs, but I keep three because I love them, maybe thats why I still put up with you.

Baby I miss you
I miss you
When you were still okay
Well I guess I never knew you when you were okay

Im working on convincing myself I don’t like you
And
Its
Not
Working

I've taken a new name
Because I couldn't deal with the
Constant reminder
The way you said Ellie
Sent shivers down my spine
It felt like cool cascading rivers washing down my skin

I stop to think if you've ever said my name again
In those dark prison walls
Locked away
You've never really looked good in orange

Sometimes I'll look at the scars on my legs and think
What would have happened if I hadn't met you
Would I still be Ellie
Wrapped in the innocence of ignorance
Or would I have still found out what I know now

Momma smokes ***
Code word laundry
When I was a little girl I always wondered why my clothes smelled funny
I would walk up behind her, and wonder why she was smoking bad smelling cigarettes and she would hid them in shame
And I would go to my room and cry
Thinking my momma would get cancer
Now I think thats kind of ironic
Because one its ***
And two she raised a daughter who thought drugs were terrible
And three I probably have cancer from how many cigarettes I smoke

You give me asthma attacks and heart palpitations
But like, in a good way

1,2,3
Breath
I can’t pull my head from under water

1,2,3
Inhale
1,2,3
exhale

No one told me what to do when I can’t breath
I can’t breath
Breath
breath

1,2,3

Your voice gives me a stutter
I have to m-m-mutter
Every insecurity
Every truth
Every feeling
Every lie

Your voice takes my breath
I have to write  
About the butterflies
The shaking
The falling
The m-m-melting

Your voice gives me shivers
Running down my spine
As your hand sends water-fall sensations down my back
I clutch my own skin to try to stay in myself
and
      I am
               m
                   e
                      l
                          t
                             i
                                n
                                    g

My clothes drop,
heart beats,
Polaroid Camara flashes,
******* lines.

Its so mainstream to not be mainstream
I mean, look at me
We’re all unique in our own unique way!
Something we’ve been taught since first grade…
Don’t judge a book by a cover!
Something we’ve been doing since first grade…
We are all just a line of clichés
And labels
Cookie cutter images
Thinking we’re “So outside of the box!”
When its just an even bigger box on the outside
Its so cliché
To be cliché
To not be cliché
We are trying to create new
But everything has been done

-I'm lame, I promise-

No matter how much
innocence you've lost,
holding a new person's hand
is probably always going to be awkward.
And It's probably always going to make your
heart beat.
And when you're at a concert
lying about your age to
a freshman in college
so that he'll actually talk to you...
Your heart will probably start
beating faster then too.
And when he puts his arm around
you just to kiss you
and he looks you in the eyes
even though you're sweating and
your make up is probably smeared
he still calls you beautiful.
Like ****. This man
was chiseled by god
and for some reason he's looking at me.
He's pushing away the drunk people
trying to grab at my waist.
Not looking at girls who
are high as a kite trying
move their hips against his.
He just holds my hand
tighter and smiles at me
like "high people just don't stop."
And when Chevelle ended the last song
and the lights came back on
he gave me one more kiss
and disappeared into the crowd.
Like some mysterious prince.
He wants to be a math teacher
and he screams his lungs out
to his favorite songs
head bangs to the beat
and he wrapped his arms around me.
I become infatuated very fast.
Like a corvette C6 I go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
And all I said was that I like his face
and he decided that even though my hair was messed up
and my bruised waist was showing,
I was worth the yelling in
each others ear.
Even though beer and cigarettes were
burning through my tongue he put up
with me.
and this is all pathetic.
and I know I'm not in love.

But during class when the test is going on
and I'm put in the hallway
he's what I write about.
and I am so lame.

This is not a love note
Folded into a tiny paper square
This is no love note
saying check yes or no
no way is this a love note
saying my love for you
is a beautiful thing
this can't be some elementary love note
passing by
passing by the unsuspecting teacher
This is no middle school love note
Shoved in your locker
No way would I write how I feel
Trying to put it all on paper
No way I'm not passing you a love note

I'll never be okay

My intentions are not to try to steal your boy
I do not want him
I simply wanted closer
A final heart stopper to **** this infatuation  
I do not want him
Not after you took who he was and altered him into
Your own creation
He no longer has wild stories to tell
But the words "no I can't do that" slip from his mouth all too often
I wanted to say words that have the world in their meaning, so I could know that I didn't want to speak all of creation to him
You see there was a time when I wanted to
I would have given him every plant on this green earth
But you my dear, aren't into gardening
You see, I no longer wish for him
But if you are insecure enough to think that you need to defend your relationship to me
What does that say about you

RIP Waterbear,
You never were anything but an idea
A very scary idea

Your warmth
Put me
In a corner
I felt like
You had me
Against a wall
And I would have
Let you
Keep me
Warm
All over

Your warmth
Made me dizzy
Made me yours
I was Ready
To let you
Have me

Your warmth
Got me drunk
You
Got me
Intoxicated
From
The warmth
Of your hand

And now
I want all
Of you

I will give you
whatever
you want

You
intoxicate
me

Antisocial
but social

Him
He is there
Pleather Jacket bleaching the top of his hair
He is
New
Strange
I get a weird feeling looking at his face
Fake gauges
Long eyelashes
A new student to the school
He has two of my classes
He is
--- Unidentified
I'm intrigued