It has been far too long
Since I looked up at the sky
And noticed how blue it was

Instead of just seeing the clouds
That were scattered here and there.

It is days like this that make me wonder where you are now.
Days like this, when you would run barefoot through the grass,
Arms open wide and laughing in delight at the beauty of the world.
It is days when the sun is high in the sky that I think of you.

But I think of you when it rains, too.
I think of how you used to stare out of the window,
Watching the drops of rain run down the glass.
I think of you on rainy days too.

It's like you're a ceasefire
Something that can momentarily stop the raging battle that consumes me.

It's not an armistice.
It's not an agreement to end the war.

The war will never be over.

But it's a ceasefire.
A break from all the pain, the loss, the suffering.

It's better than a ceasefire.
It's a game of football on no-man's land on Christmas day.
It's a brief moment of happiness, a light shining through darkness.

Without you, I am death and destruction and war and sadness.
You bring me happiness and light, love and warmth.

You are the ceasefire in the war that rages inside my head.

Some days I flinch away from you, as though even the gentlest of touches could shatter me into a thousand tiny pieces.
Some days I tense up whenever you enter the room, as though a single word from you could break me.

Please, believe me when I tell you that it is not you.
Please, believe me when I tell you that it breaks my heart every time I see you pull back from me.

They thought that they could help each other
That together they could claw their way back to the surface
But instead they dragged each other back down
Needing so much strength just to hold the other up that they had none left for themselves
And so they fell
Slowly but surely
Deeper into the pit of hopeless despair
That seemingly had no bottom.

The thing is
That you're left with a list
Of all the things
You didn't say

And then
You're left with another
That keeps on growing
An agonising list of 'What if?'s.