I got the text an hour ago
That confirmed my secret fear
In the back of my mind
The demon dwelled
Seething, growing, gnawing, steering
The vehicle of self doubt
I thought that it would hurt more
At least superficially
But somehow knowing the truth
Is oddly comforting
Don't get me wrong
The tears I shed were real,
Authentic and yet fleeting
Perhaps it hasn't hit me yet

Is love not a poisonous snake?
A beauty to look at,
Yet venomous
Murderous, savage
It draws one in with it's
Deceptive, delicate movements
Planning and plotting when to strike
Behind a veil of entrancement
Closer, closer, closer
Come closer
Closer
Until......
SNAP

Used to be, that i could walk down to the store and grab some milk...
...It's too far
Used to be, that I could wash all my clothes and then put them away...
...It's too hard

Used to be that I could walk & run,
Right a task list, get it done,
Plan a night out, have some fun,
But now I can't, and I feel so dumb.

Example A, my laundry, begging for OMO,
***** clothes, still lying on the floor.
Plain clothes waiting patiently for the cupboard,
So far, it's been at least five days, or more.

But I try, then I sigh, now, I cry.

Motivation for myself?
     That is no more
Motivation for others?
     I'll find a way to the door
I wake up in the morning and I can't raise my head
Unless a friend needs my help, then I'll get out of bed
But if I'm the one calling, then the phone's always dead.

Please evict this depression,
Please just send it away
Because I'm so sick of asking:
"What's the point of today?"

Why do I bother to stay?

I wake in the morning to a singe question:
Can I use your computer?

Immediately, my heart races...
I'm sweating from parts of my body I didn't know existed,
I swallow,
I panic
I answer
Yes, but
But... It is slow...
But... It is small...
But... It is weak...
...I am weak

The 1st question was simple, do I own that device?
The answer, however, is more questions
Is it enough
Are you enough
Why use it when you could use something better?
Why know me, when you could know someone better?

I am the broken lightbulb
That lightbulb designed not quite as bright,
Staring at brighter bulbs and not content to be dim.
Blinded by their light
Unable to notice the beauty of my own.

I sat on the floor, my face buried in my hands
Slowly I watched her shadow fade-
Never coming back.
As those words rang in my ears,
Deafening, refining-
Slowly but beautifully killing me.

Never coming back.
I slowly drone her voice piercing me all over
As if a pin kept pricking my body
With enough force to cause an eternal agony-
But not enough to ****,
To put me out of my misery.

My soul, slowly breaking-
Alive, but dead inside.
Her voice, deafening, beautiful-
Never coming back.

Someone, please help me
I can't seem to find
The light
That's supposed to be at the end of this tunnel.
Is it just a lie?
Is it just a delusion?

It seems quite common
For people
To wish
And hope
For things
That are undeniably
Too far away
To grasp.
Even if it's close,
Oh so close,
It's just a tease
A mirage
And it strays away
Yet again.

I need balance
I’m too extreme like my beliefs
Far too sorry to apologize
Forgiveness would be a lie I couldn’t live with

Balancing under pressure became a crushing defeat
Misfires and misdirection can land the highest man beneath
Untreated wounds breed infection
The lessons learned are easy to remember
Dismembered and off-kilter

Unbalanced drunkards lay wasted like death
Effigies of what used to be
¨**** it¨ attitudes
Added to the frustration
Of falling and failing, my fault
I brought shook hands
Like an addict

Moderation is balance
My mode is moody
******* and impatient
I meditated to medicate anger
¨Endangered species fighting for survival!¨
Was the greatest lie I ever told
I fought a war for peace
More violent than buddha’s
And I won
I won a deadly victory

Balance was not built for chaos
I’m a riot, raunchy
What I want no longer haunts me
I’m not a victim of crime
Im the victor
Missteps led me away from destruction
My mistakes were made
To save me

In due time
I’ll pay what’s owed
Alone for the load of old moves
Payback for loans to sell dreams for a minute
Pimpish
If it’s crazy to be owned by the past I will be finished
Listened
To the choir to acquire what was missing
My soul is tired
Worn like treads of tires
Sneaker soles and old attire
Suited with attributes of a brute
Uncouth in the present of the future forbearing
Telling what’s apparent
Yet no one will listen
Forever imprisoned by debt
Even bankruptcy is too much to afford
Lawyers are costly
Hard to invest in freedom
I’m left
Like the wrong hand
Gambling for the chance
To win
Signing on lines
Next to x’s
Trying to buy back.....
Trying....
I’m trying to...
****...

I need my ******* soul back!

The talk of the town
Is old school revolvers and revolution
Dusty trails and old wives tales
Dusk colored scene
Discolored clouds hover
The thunder brewing in parlors
After hour spirits
Pitched with the passion
Of melting steel
Strikes from the
Blistering heat
Forms the union of labor
Friction at it's finest
The time is a quarter til already