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 Jun 2014 Elise
neko
I HEARD SOMEWHERE THAT THE LIFESPAN OF BUTTERFLIES IS ONLY A COUPLE OF MONTHS BUT IT'S BEEN ALMOST 7 AND I'M PRETTY SURE THE ONES RESIDING IN MY STOMACH ARE YET TO PASS THEIR STAGES OF YOUTH
 Jun 2014 Elise
Chris
These things happen I suppose.
They always happen.
I used to care about something, you know.
I did.
I used to feel something when I stared at the sky.
Now the hardwood feels cold under my feet,
and my lungs have lost their warmth.
The clouds eat me whole as I walk home.
They smile.
Sometimes I do too.
But I've wandered too far this time,
these steps don't look familiar.
Someone still sleeps inside this house,
but it's not me.
Someone still lives inside these bones,
but it's not me.
 Jun 2014 Elise
rachel
To be completely honest, I don’t think I have control over my body anymore.
I think someone else has peeled back my skin, climbed inside of me, and is now walking around as if they are me.
I do not feel human.
I feel as though I am an exoskeleton; or rather skin filled with nothing but bones.
There is nothing to me anymore.
Or maybe there is, but I cannot reach far enough inside of myself to pull that girl back up into her own body.
My mind is blank, yet at the same time it is churning out a million thoughts a second and twisting each syllable into a new form of language that I can not understand.

To be completely honest, I don’t think anyone has control over their bodies anymore.
I rarely see the faces I saw in elementary school, because for some reason we've all become hollow shells of what we used to be.
Our souls are empty.
I've begun to notice that people stare down at phones instead of looking at other individuals; I think it’s because they don’t want to acknowledge the fact that they are not the only carcasses around.

I think as society has developed, we've become more depressed. Not necessarily by the fact that we can no longer see the happiness in the world, but maybe because we look for our happiness in the eyes of the “mentally insane”.
It’s becoming a cycle of, “I’m not crazy, I’m not crazy, I’m not crazy.”
We all have the bodies of someone else inside of our skin and we cannot get them out.
We slice and cut, drown and suffocate, fill ourselves with drugs made by other empty human beings who are looking for a high to keep them happy.
I think we do these things because it’s the only way we know to get these intruders out.

At this day in age, we are experiencing an extreme identity crisis.
People do not know themselves anymore and in high school they blame their bad behaviors on, “experimenting, trying new things, and attempting to ‘find themselves’”.
In reality though, there is no one to find.

From the day you are born you are given a name that may not (may never) be your name.
You have been placed into a family that may not (may never) be your family.
You are forced into schools where you may not (may never) fit in.
Doctors shove pill capsules filled with chemicals down your throat that may not (may never) make you happy.
Maybe not finished
 Jun 2014 Elise
marina
what if
 Jun 2014 Elise
marina
i am scared
you will tire
of hearing
me say
'i love
you'
 Jun 2014 Elise
marina
12:50
 Jun 2014 Elise
marina
the boy you love is in your bed and
he is shaking

you wonder if it will always be like this,
tremors through his arms and legs, or if this
is only because he is wrapped in sheets that
smell like someone else.  so you offer him a bowl,
partly to calm him down but mostly because
when he takes a drag he cups his hands and
bows his head and it looks to you like he is
praying and his hands are still shaking and you
wonder if he has faith in anything and if not
maybe that thing could be you

so you clime beside him and you inhale as
he exhales and for a moment he is
                                                                                          still

the boy you love is in your bed and
you are shaking
idk
 Jun 2014 Elise
cg
Away from her is when you feel her the most.
You do not know how this is true, but when we are confused, the only thing left to do is find a way to understand.
So you looked for her; in drainpipes, in places that shined too brightly from the insides, in quiet dinners, in all the street corners that smelled like the flowers sitting on her front porch, and in the end, you feel so much smaller compared to how heavy the world has always been, even from it's beginning.
How could anyone grow while living on a place that does not realize how vital change is?
From the moment you came to being, from the moment you experienced so much light and hands and whispers and beauty for the first time that all you could do was cry as hard as possible, the wind has been pushing against your feet, trying to sing in all the places that cannot hear.
We see the still surface of a lake, or the deep **** of the ocean, and we know it is ok to jump in, and we know we can not be in it forever, and I believe you to be my favorite body of water.
We know that all the things that had a beginning, no matter their importance, no matter their size, nor their texture, all have an ending.
If there was no ending, life would have nothing else to offer.
I am writing this to you with my Mother's favorite pen, I hope you can feel the gentleness in everything you read from now on.
The world is a constant apology, when we tried to learn about our nature, we confused giving and trusting, and we never realized it. A year later I'm learning about true forgiveness, the type that doesn't ask for anything, the type you had when you were still a child.
You were singing to me and I was peeling apples and I realized that the only thing we really end up missing the most is ourselves.
 Jun 2014 Elise
robin
IM SORRY IM ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW SICK I AM ITS JUST I KEEP HOPING YOU'LL GIVE ME A PILL TO MAKE IT STOP OR AT LEAST DIAGNOSE ME TELL ME EXACTLY WHATS WRONG INSTEAD OF IT BEING THIS ******* MALAISE ALWAYS IN MY ARMS LIKE A CHILD I NEVER WANTED BUT WAS TOO KIND TO LEAVE

I PROMISE IM NOT VOMITING ON PURPOSE I HAVENT BEEN THAT WAY IN YEARS AND NOW WHEN I STICK MY FINGER DOWN MY THROAT TRYING TO PURGE THE POISON IN MY BELLY ALL I DO IS DRY HEAVE AND WEAR MY THROAT RAW AND I END WITH A POUNDING HEADACHE AND A DROOLING MOUTH

THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED YOU TO SEE ME DISGUSTING AND USED DRY I WANTED TO BE YOUR SHINING GODDESS YOUR ICON SOMEONE YOU COULD LOOK UP TO SOMEONE YOU COULD STRIVE TO BE BUT PLEASE DONT END UP LIKE ME

SORRY FOR HOLDING YOU TOO TIGHT IM JUST TRYING TO PULL YOU THROUGH MY ******* SKIN I DIDNT MEAN TO LEAVE THOSE MARKS I DIDNT MEAN TO BRUISE YOU WITH THE PATTERN OF MY FINGERPRINTS BUT NOW THAT IT'S THERE I CANT SAY I REGRET IT YOU CAN REMEMBER ME AS THE GIRL WHO ****** YOU UP YOU CAN BLAME ME FOR IT ALL

TELL ME THAT IM WORTH SOMETHING TELL ME THAT DEATH IS A JOKE AND I CAN LIVE WITH YOU FOREVER TELL ME ILL NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE TELL ME YOULL ALWAYS BE WITH ME SO MINE IS NOT THE ONLY HEARTBEAT IN THE ROOM TELL ME WE CAN SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM SO WHEN I WAKE IN THE NIGHT SCARED AND SWEATING I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING AND KNOW IF I DIE THERE WILL BE SOMEONE THERE I WILL NOT DIE ALONE I WILL NOT DIE ALONE I WILLNOT DIE ALONE

IM CODEPENDENT AND SELFISH AND SICK AND I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME THAT NEITHER OF US HAS DIED AND THIS TRACHEOTOMY IS CRUDE BUT WE'RE BREATHING STILL AND WE CAN STAY IN THE HOSPITAL UNTIL EVERYTHING FEELS RIGHT AGAIN TELL ME THAT GOD EXISTS AND IF WE CANT LIVE FOREVER AT LEAST WE CAN GO TO HEAVEN

IM SO ******* SICK OF LEAVING EVERYONE BEHIND IM SO SICK OF BEING TRANSIENT IM SO SICK OF BEING A PAPERY GHOST LEAVING WHEN THINGS TURN SOLID TELL ME YOU WONT LET ME LEAVE YOU BEHIND TELL ME YOULL STAY WITH ME EVEN WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES AND DONT SPEAK FOR DAYS IM SO SORRY IM SO SORRY I WANTED TO BE A GODDESS BUT IM JUST A ******* SLUG AND IM SO AFRAID YOULL LET ME LEAVE
but screaming never solved anything
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