something is wrong with me—
i’ve taken more naps in the past five days
than i’ve taken in the past five years.
it feels like my body is trying to stop time,
but the clock keeps ticking anyway.

You were written
In a language
No one understands.

You became a star
In the night sky.
While I?  I truly tried
To read your code

When you burst
Into a supernova
Overhead.

do you feel me?
in the yawning chasm
of space
that's opened up
like a deep wound
between us.

do you feel it?
the gnawed pain
that's consumed
my heart
or what remains
of it.


c.J.C.

Logically
I know my professed
Feelings for you
Cannot possibly be true
I’m just a stranger
Behaving strangely
Believing in some fake
Wanna be my destiny
And instead of realizing what a fool I be
I’m delusionally
Thinking
“Well, this is his effect on me”
Day by day
This I see
I mean nothing to you
And I don’t know what you mean to me
But it cannot possibly be
What I think I can see
And the things I think I feel
I must accept they aren’t real
If they were of any value
You would surely feel them too
Vapors of feelings
I pretend to be true
Whispers on winds
About birds and bees
Heard only by trees
Repeated by their leaves in the breeze
Sent to a man
Who doesn’t speak
The language of trees

What is the promise of a stranger worth?
Lavender smiles and honeyed words,
Submerged in the sound of hope disturbed.
Usurped and flayed for misbehavior
Hung from a tree, sacrificial favour.

The flavour was sweet, at least for a while.
A taste of haste fried ripe in denial.
Smothered in smiles and candyfloss
Lightly glazed glances, a dusting of loss.
A promise made pays a heavy cost.

I kissed daniel because
he made me feel like a little girl
and that's all I've ever wanted to stay.
I kissed him because
he made me feel like a live wire,
ready to sizzle
and pop
and maybe **** someone.
We can only hope.
I kissed him hard,
I kissed him wet
so I could feel the spit
break between our lips.
I kissed him good
and fast against the wall.
I kissed him goodnight
I kissed him good bye

2. He got me so high I coughed and drool came out of my mouth and
his friend asked
"hey.... Um are you okay?"
And I shook my head no,
but they didn't really care anyway.  And I walked down the long hallway in my tiny shorts so they could both see the sway of my ***,
the sway in the walk of someone
who has gone entirely mad.

3. Daniel said 37 is his last real year before he hits middle age.
And he's halfway through it.
And I'm turning 19 next month
and he says that's where the real fun is cause that means I've had a year
of adulthood to figure my **** out
and I've still decided to be a *****.
He says 19 will be my real slutty year, the year I turn this bag of meat
and bones into a **** star.
He says I'll always be the best.
He says I'll make it real real big.
He says he will watch me
******* another man while he's ******* someone else
in the next town he goes to

4. Daniel said I was evil.
I told him he was a horrible person and he pinned me down
and did the things horrible people do.
I asked him why he thought I was evil and he said he can see it in my eyes. Real cold and mean,
oh **** it's a real nice gleam.
Like sharpened knives and laughter when a chalkboard screeches.
He says I'll die within next year if I keep living like I am.
I guess he doesn't believe me
when I say I just really don't care.

5.
Bad girl bad girl sad girl they say.
Like how I can't make eye contact
and malls freak me out.
How I don't care how fast I drive my car cause I've got places to be,
like nowhere.
Knives don't scare me,
in fact,
cut me so I can show you how good
I am at not flinching.
Pull my hair and
pin my down and
I'll show you a good time babe,
cause this feels like love if
you're good enough at pretending. They call it self destruction,
I call it preservation.