when i think about you
i think about how my heart tried to hit the brakes
throw my anatomy into neutral
calm
contained
but you crashed me into a meadow
where dandelions rest upon my collarbones
and roses grow inside my atria
i think about how i would use the ash from your cigarette
and trace the veins on your arms
trying to make a map
so i’d never go off track
so my fingers could run marathons on your ribs
so my fingers could tie your heartstrings in knots
in hopes the feeling would never leave
i think about how when you say you love me
my mind grows heavy with ‘what-ifs’
‘for how long’
and ‘what about him’
but when i look into your eyes
and i see us
diving in and out of your aqueous humor
ripping the retina from the walls and making our own colors
i know who i am
i know who i need to be
i think about how making love with you
turns my body into a wave
frequency high enough to shatter the chandeliers
the chandeliers that reflect you back to me
the chandeliers that sway with each breath we take
when i think about you
i think about the best parts of this world
the love and the hope
and how i wish to experience all of these
with you
hand in hand
driving past the meadow
refusing to step on the brakes

I knew the moment we touched
Things would never be the same
I knew the moment you smiled
My feelings could not be tamed
I knew the moment our lips met
That I was desperately in love
I knew the moment you came in
That it was too late to go Back to
Being friends
That it was too late to hide the feelings I had confessed
That i was too far gone
To ever return to what I was
What things were
Before you

For before you
Seems like an alternate dimension
That I had suffered and lost
Because there was no life before you
And there won't be life after

Nobody ever speaks of
The sadness that can be felt
In your bones
The kind that can be
Encompassed
By your whole being
Nobody ever tells you
How to manage
Feeling like a stranger in your own body
Sometimes
I am a stranger to my own body
Depersonalization
Is a term that
I have come to know all too well
I have come to know
What it's like
To watch life happen
From a distance
To feel
Persistant and constant
Dissociation
Nobody ever told me
About the depression
That can take over your soul
While simultaneously
Forcing you
To watch it happen
Without any ability to stop it
Sometimes I feel as if
I can't feel anything at all
And that in itself
Is truly terrifying
But I am trying my hardest
To take hold of the steering wheel
I refuse
To let it take control
In the past I have
Locked all of the doors to myself
Thinking that
If I was the only inhabitant
Than nothing could get to me
But lately
I've realized
That letting people in
Will not be the downfall of myself
Lately
I've realized
That opening up
Is the key
To finding answers
Is the key
To finding help.

I think you are absolutely crazy
Crazy in the way that you can't seem to grasp your potential
Crazy in the way that you are blind to every trace of beauty enveloped in your skin
Crazy in the way that you are a full moon visible at all times of the year
Crazy in the way that you make crazy seem like a desirable thing to be
You are crazy
And I love every inch of it
I love the smile that stretches over the lower half of your face
And the laugh that follows its appearance
I think you are a treasure map puzzle
Beautiful in its inability to never be completed
You are pieces that will never be able to match up correctly
For some reason you never seem to understand that you are worth more than the ones you pair yourself with
Guy after guy
Each who is never fully capable of appreciating your worthiness
Guys who throw words at you like daggers in order to bring you down
I wonder sometimes how you are still standing
How after all of these wounds you have managed to stay so tall
You are still tall
He makes you feel small only because he is afraid you will outgrow him
I think it is time you let yourself grow
He does not know your true ability
And if he were to see it
He would not know how to treat you properly
You are a constellation that deserves to be seen at all hours of the night
Not only when he wants you to
You do not need all of the makeup that you paint over your freckled face
I have seen your complexion bare enough times to be able announce its beauty
And you are nothing less than extraordinary
With a body that most would **** to have
I wonder how it is that you could envy those that don't even come close to your kind
You are a sunset
Not the typical orange kind
But the one that is purple with hints of pink in blue in it
You are a sunset
That I would pay to watch over and over again
I have labeled you my best friend
Because I see so much in you
That few are able to
I only pray that someday
You'll be able to see it yourself.