I too often find myself being sad
Feeling the weight of it sit on my shoulders
As the ground begs me to succumb to it
We are always allowed to joke about being lonely
But never taking a step further into it
Because no one wants to hear about your pain
There is no real interest in other people's desolation
Consigned to oblivion, treacherous waters
So tempting to go for a swim
Dancing in the rain until the flood waters drag me away
I have never felt such force pushed against me
Until I experienced you walking away from me
There is nothing more heart-wrenching
Than losing a love that never existed to them in the first place

I am here today
I am alive and breathing
a man somewhere in a hospital bed has a machine
breathing for him
I am here today
with clothes on my back
while a child is using news papers as blankets
I am here today with the ability to eat and drink at my leisure
while a child in west africa tries to remember what it feels like
to have food touch their taste buds
what clean water might taste like
I am here today
with education
while a teenager is sent to war reluctantly
because education came after victory
I am here today
and I could die any second
and so could all of us
So I urge that you do not take your life for granted
If you are sad and lonely
and feel as if no one cares for you at all, I do
If you are angry and mislead by everything
it's going to be alright
If you love someone, tell them
If you have negative people in your life
get rid of them, today
I am here today
and I am only promised that much
for tomorrow is only hours away
but I do not know
if I will get there or not

I have found myself discovering new hobbies to release the things inside of my head
Drawing, painting, writing, playing music
Anything to let these thoughts escape without me having to say them out loud
I wonder how many times people have used a pen or paintbrush because they can't pull the trigger either
You have drained the life out of me and then called it romance
And it was beautiful despite the desolation I am in now
So I am using the left over scraps from my body to create new homes
And though they are only models, I am learning to love the girl you left behind nonetheless
I know that one day I won't have to fight to be alright
Let these callused hands find rest in mapping their way out on paper
Making new exits out of these woods that your shoes have never touched
I will bleed and blister in cutting these things down
But I have learned that in order to make a new way
You have to go through the trouble of doing so
So I will draw these trees, paint them, write about them
And sing with their inhabitants
With hopes that this love song might somehow travel to you
I just hope you'll be listening

He was so quiet and I could tell he was nervous
I kept walking and I could feel the sweat gathering on his hand
I clench it tighter
The scene, however, was breathtaking
A long wooden bridge with white paint peeling and wrinkling of old age, intimately lit with candles dancing in a light breeze
The sun was falling in the west
And so was I, more and more each day for this man
It amazing what he does to me
The water beneath us, singing as it rippled within itself
I listened to the hum of each footstep of ours, almost in sync
I turn to him,
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet."
"I'm fine, just a little anxious, that’s all."
We are coming to the end of the bridge and I see a table
Draped in a thin, dark blue table cloth with two lawn chairs
There's orchids in the center, my favorite flower
What I love about orchids are the petals themselves are so exquisite but their stems have to be held up by little clips, they are beautiful but they cannot stand on their own, like a lot of other beautiful things
I look back up at him as he slips his hand out of mind, wipes it on his pants and pulls out my chair smiling like a child on Christmas morning
I look at him in that moment as a strand of hair falls over his forehead
I can see the color and shape of my perfect life
The house, the children, the arguments over the curtains are all fading away with that one smile of his

I was so nervous, I literally cannot bring myself to talking
I mean, the things I would usually jump to have already been discussed
The weather, how her day was, how beautiful she looks
Well, I wouldn’t mind telling her that again
The bridge creaks with each footstep of ours as if it is imploring for our bodies to sink into the water beneath it
The trees were swaying just enough for the leaves to rustle with each other but lightly enough for me to still hear the sound of her breathing
The sun was falling in the west, I gazed at it
An alluring sunset burning up the atmosphere
Speaking of burning, my hands are sweating so much
I would tell her how sorry I was but I think she already knows
The sound of her voice startles me a little but I play it off... I think
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet"
****, I am being really quiet
"I'm fine just anxious, that’s all"
We are coming to the end of the bridge and everything is just how I hoped it would be, the table from my dad's shop, the dark blue table cloth from Sears, the orchids in the center, her favorite flower
I slip my hand out of hers which was a lot harder than I expected it to be, I just don’t want to stop touching her
I wipe them on my pants nonchalantly and pull out her chair
Honestly, I've stopped trying to not smile
I can't help myself, it's amazing what she does to me
I kept looking at her and wondering how lucky I could be to have found someone who reminds me of sunlight even on the rainiest of days
I swear in a world of black and white, she would still have color

My arms are wide
Capturing fire as the wind blows
When I am with you I feel as if I can take flight at any moment
And I am still unsure if it is because you lift me up
to where I can smell the clouds
Or if you are about to push me
Over the edge

In a shady garage that lays down a long driveway, an old man sits, hands on his knees, and smile as big as ever. He smiled as if it was the only thing keeping him alive
He told stories of when he was in high school, the dumb things he and his friends did and how each dumb thing had a later lesson that impacted who he became
He looks down at his hands and smiles once more, lighter this time and more gentle. Like someone when the bottled up anxiousness starts boiling over in a quiet room. He says, "I used to think that life was about conquering the world but now that I'm older I learned it wasn't worth conquering, it was more about enjoying it, appreciating it."
He paused for a moment. I imagine he was thinking of times when he didn't. When he wasted away his integrity and watch his pride shatter on the floor. When his hands trembled with fear over something he wasn't sure he really regretted.
As the tension evaporated, slipped through wet footsteps from wet feet getting out of the pool, he smiled again
He smiled like it was he only thing keeping it alive
And now looking back, perhaps it was

A sudden collision creates a storm within you
You see him falling in love with someone else
Watching it like a movie in black and white
You never thought he would paint on someone else's body
Color has turned to grey because being artwork often involves inspiration and he was yours
Your stomach turns, spinning in circles
You remember dancing in the kitchen
The memories claw themselves up your throat and you find yourself talking about him with your friends
And they will smile, gently, and see nothing more but innocent reminiscence
While your mind evolves into a tornado
Destroying everything that doesn’t have his name on it
Getting up in the morning is no longer refreshing because somehow being alive is more painful and pretending to be lifeless
Your dreams are filled with people who are not him and you convince yourself that science has nothing to do with this
They say that when someone appears in your dreams, it means that they are missing you
So I have come to the conclusion that I am found in yours quite often
And I hate science because it fools you into believing that there is a cure to loving someone, that going out with friends and trying to forget him will eventually follow through but it never does
Your bathroom floor suddenly becomes a habitual wasteland
The tile carving itself into the bottom of your thighs where his hands used to be
You think that maybe if you just play pretend
Like a child playing dress up
Wear your favorite clothes and act as if they are your favorite for a reason other than the fact that he loved you in them
Tighten your necklace to where it is almost suffocating you and cutting into your skin
Remind yourself that storms pass
And start preparing yourself to clean up the mess that he has left

I have forgotten all of the arms I have lain in
I do not fully remember the tastes of lips
Or the temperature of warmth some have offered me
I do not fully remember where the lines traced on my skin are
Or where they lead to
They are a road not traveled by many
I have forgotten the small love affairs between the coffee shop worker and the glimpse of a boy I once loved in my dream
I am forgetful of many past lovers
But never forgetful of you
I have memorized the geography you sketched on my back
I have been searching for your degree of heat, though I have not found one that can compare
Your taste lived faintly in my mouth
Digging under my tongue
I am not in love with you, only the way you can hold me up when I am broken into pieces that do not fit together
I have forgotten multitudes
But I regrettably cannot seem to erase you
From my mind

The day he breaks your heart, wait until you get home to cry
Wait until the early hours of the morning when you know you should already be asleep
Trying to dream about someone who is not him
You will want to leave the world because he is the one who showed it to you
The sky will crack with dawn and it will feel like it's been years since you have spoken to him when it has only been a day
Things have changed now
You are no longer his star guiding the way
He is walking away from you with another girl who is nothing like you
He has committed a ****** and he doesn't even know it
When the pain subsides while you're out with friends and you feel like you're over him cherish the moment
Do not let the thought of him kissing her take away from the joy in front of you
It will be the hardest thing to do
To let go of a love that has already gone
I have learned it is hard to push something away from you when it is holding on to your sleeve
He and you still talk daily
It is a knife to the heart but you are doing it to anyways, letting the agony rest on the collarbones
Inner wars rage against the thought of you not talking to him anymore
You know in your mind that by now you should be stronger than this
You are stronger than everything except yourself
Let the mirror break your integrity
Your palms are sweaty, shaking with the regret of letting him slip through your fingers
And he would swear you let him go because you wanted to do it
He would swear you were over him by now
But what he never understood was your miscommunication
You're an introvert by nature and sometimes you just need to be by yourself
Go get lost in the forest and swear you will come back
You will find your way back home somehow
But you never did
You saw footsteps out there that were his
You never thought that while you were gone
He would leave too
You should have known
You stupid stupid girl

We were a fever, burning up, sweat dripping down your back
Drinking tea, sleeping in, warm and watchful of the dawn
We were on fire for a short time
This is the worst recovery I have ever known

I imagine sitting in the corner of your studio apartment
A record playing faintly in the background and I can hear you humming
What if I told you I could remember what the weather was like for every single day we've spent together
How do you like your eggs? You ask
I could never take my eyes off you, not even if I went blind
You remind me of old books and tall glasses and dancing on the balcony
I imagine that we are in love, and then I wake up I am still am and you never were

Lately I've been feeling a vague sense of unease and an unshakable feeling that love was never meant for someone like me
Love is some obsession I have
I crave to be admired and wanted but once I get someone who does this they never seem to be right
Love is a sea we swim in but always climb out when the water splashes in our face and our fingers prune
Love is careful with whom Love lets others hold them
Like a newborn child, someone who is not ready to be so gentle simply cannot handle the responsibility
As I sit in this cage with my feet dangling in the pool
I miss how the water felt
But now I can only barely skim it with my toes
Do not forget how the body needs to feel something
Do not take that feeling for granted
Like I did

You
The 10 letter name that never leaves my mind
I keep you trapped inside my head like a little kid
traps a caterpillar in the palm of their hands
You were the missing piece to my puzzle
That one that let you know exactly what you were looking at
You made my picture beautiful
Illuminating each edge, filling each blank crescent with color
and I was in love with the colors of your rainbow
I fell in love with you a lot faster than I'd expected
I memorized each curve, each insecurity, I loved
The way your eyes squint when you smile
How you never fail to look at the ground when you're laughing
As if you're trying to hide something
The way you say her name
Your precise tone and articulation
Sometimes I like to talk about you
like you're the one that got away
sort of like you're on a trip somewhere and you're coming back
I'm sorry I have not forgotten how to see you as beautiful
I still have your paintings hanging on my wall
and I have not yet brought myself to taking them down
But when I do, I'll return them to you
just as you gave them to me
maybe she needs a little color of yours too

There comes a point in everyone's life
When their body is heavy, weighed down from love
They have just discovered what it is like to sleep alone again
And how it is one of the hardest things to remember how to do
At this time people say, "Get back out there and you will find someone to make you forget all about them," or
"There are plenty fish in the sea, so cast out your line."
These words are very encouraging but they are not what I want to hear
I do not want to throw myself at people and try to convince them I am good enough for them to love
I am staying patient in this purgatory, I am enduring lack of oxygen
Learning to breath underwater, learning new things
I am doing things now I would never have done without the heartache
When I say I am waiting for love, I mean I am waiting for myself to stop wanting it
I think it is beautiful, something we live to discover
But I have been spending too much time looking for it
I want a love more than clandestine love letter and sharing umbrellas in the rain
A love not just made up of syllables or words that sound nice
I want someone who I can talk with about the shade of a cloud or how I feel when I step in freshly cut grass or how when I got home I looked down at my hands and saw theirs
Our kisses would be impossible slow
So to my future lover
I am waiting to write you down in cursive ink
I am waiting for you to hand me the pen

I think too many people try to fall in love
Everyone has made it to be a painful feeling
A feeling of incompleteness and constantly worrying if they love you just as much as you love them
My advice to you, don’t be afraid to fall in love
It is not so much painful, just risky
If you like living life close to the center, no edges, no chance of slipping or tripping over your own feet to tumble down into the unknown
Or would rather walk on the sidewalk than the street
I would suggest that you do be careful
Because love is tightropes
Love is knocking you over
But love is trusting that person to help you back up
Love is dangerous, or else it wouldn't be so fun
No one looks forward to doing rational things
The speed limit is over rated
I think love is no seat belts or headlights
Love is no safety net, love is never knowing is someone is actually going to catch you but trusting that they're paying enough attention to
Too many people today, try not to fall in love
My advice to you is, do not be afraid to fall in love
It is the greatest mistake you can ever make

The blank canvas that we once started off with is not only bursting with color but tearing at it's seems
We have broken past brushes and finger painting, the world has shifted from slow to lethal energy
I can not seem to focus on exactly you for too long because my mind begins to cloud and images of you come in glitches
I am not sure if my mind is an old DVD player or if I refuse to stop blinking long enough to make out the proportion of your face
How when you smile your cheeks reach up ward
You eyes squint just slightly
Enough to where you could tell you're laughing but wide enough to see their color
We are not common
My love for you is nothing ordinary
This is something so deep that not even you could scratch the surface
Of how much my mind
has fooled me into believing that maybe you love me
Just as much as I love you

Can you remember who you were,
Before the world told you who you should be?

Sleepless nights fill with incompetent infatuation
and drunken bewilderment
igniting white sticks of numbness
to grip all of our pain in one palm
and take it away
in a quick instance
Hoping that maybe tomorrow you will
feel a little less pain
But when you wake up
in a painful daze
with smudged make-up on a white pillow
and cold coffee
Confused as to why
It Still Hurts So **** Much

I have an addiction
Though I hate to admit it
And cannot audibly say this
I have an addiction
I know the consequences
And I understand the risks
Though walking on a tight rope
Has always been more exciting
Than walking on a bridge
And I figure it always will be

like falling into a pool of ice
the sudden shock is overwhelming
the sharp needle like stinging
constantly getting tighter
closing tight like locked jaw
clenched fist, gripping air
you are my winter water
you make me go so still
I almost don't exist
*I almost do not even exist

if only I had the second chance
if only the cards were in my favor
if only life were as simple as air
I promise that I would love you
like I have always wanted to be loved
I would give you my sole endeavor
to always keep you smiling
I never want to see a distorted disposition
you deserve to be happy all the time
so if I am not included in your happiness
that is okay
just as long as you are
always
**happy

I can only imagine what it is like to love you
To watch you walk down the hallway to my kitchen
The soft thuds of you shoes and the wood floor
Sounding almost friendly as if it the reverberation is shaking hands with the walls
To see your hands slip into your pockets as you look down and smile at your feet
You slip one hand out of your pocket and it climbs the air to your hat as the other hand runs its fingers through each brown strand and gently places the hat back on your head
Only swift movement and light breathing
To see you driving down the highways of the city
One hand on the steering wheel, while the other fools with the radio, endeavoring to find a perfect song and stay on the road at the same time
Then I can almost see myself reach out and grab your hand when you've slipped up on a song that I liked
And you would look at me and smile
Eyes tightened and lips forming half of a crescent moon
As the timidity in your mind turns your head back to the road
A red light comes up
We both have never been more happy to come upon a stop
You turn and look at me, lean in, lips locking
Hands condensing into each other
This kiss sets my skin on fire and fills me with the life I'd never known I was missing
Suddenly a car horn interrupts us as laughter fills the air
Oh how incredibly lovely it is to be diverted by strangers
When we were once strangers ourselves
And today we may be strangers
The ones who are sitting at red lights behind people in love
Laying on our horns with somewhere to be
Today, that may be us
But before long, that could be you and me
Who are being interrupted
At a red light

I think it is hard to define true pain
We all have those bad days
We all have those bad nights
We all feel pain but in what context is it real
In moments when you feel hopeless
Those who you hope will comfort you
Will come up with excuses
Will say that others have it worse
Will tell you it's not that big of a deal
When you go to the doctor for pain
They will ask you to measure it
On a scale of 1 to 10
That is considered normal and necessary
We are told that tears are only salt water rivers
That will flow and drown your skin
But they will dry
Letting the crystal evaporate into the sunlight that makes everything better in the morning
Tears are no small thing to me
I believe that if something aches you enough
That your eyes produce water to show this
That your body knows that you cannot stand the dry desserts, you have to drown sometimes
In everything, we are told that it's not as bad as we think
That we should see what other people are going through
I do believe that their pain is real
But I do not believe that mine is meaningless
I still feel just as they do
My body does not listen to these excuses
I cannot train myself to always be happy
Because I am so lucky
I know that I am so lucky
And I am thankful
But my pain still matters
I am stuck giving myself scars by ripping it from my veins
But I am not going to keep my pain in a box
Do not tell me that this pain is only an advocate for attention
We've all paid the toll in exchange for rites of passage
Maybe I am misunderstanding the meaning of pain
But I believe all pain is real
If you feel it, it has to be there
Pain demands to be felt
So feel it

And as of now I have finally realized
I was drunk off of only you
And you were only drunk

I look forward to cigarettes
Habits walking back into my life
Those I spent everything on
Just trying to push away for good
All of my endeavors failed
But they calm me down
Carrying stress away like a helicopter carrying someone too injured to wait longer for any other form of transportation
Carrying me like a mother holds her first newborn child, being especially careful, don't drop it
The spark of a lighter like a firework
A sweet flame, always comforting,
whispers,
"you couldn't change
even if you wanted to"
And I sit here
And in one hand, holds an escape to my pain
And in the other
My own throat

Every painting starts with a white canvas
Threaded blank pages layed out and begging for color
A tool dipped in dark blue
Brushing on a dark sky, yellow making stars
Swirling constellations into words for astronomers to write about one day
Adding in flaming orange to represent the sunset that has now faded
But never washing the brush clean and they call it fresh
There are some paintings that never are seen
Imagine the most beautiful piece of art
And realize that there may be one out there you have yet to discover
Think of your love life this way, as I have been trying to do
Though you have seen the outline of their body
And the way their hair burns in the sunlight that leaks through the window, open blinds letting in flaming gold
It reminds you of their hands
How they drip chrome raindrops all over the canvas of your body
You will feel beautiful and as if no one has ever truly been such an immaculate artists in sketching escape plans on your back that you thought were future paths you two would walk together
Realize that there are other artists out there
You have not seen the most beautiful piece of yourself yet
Because a true artist never hides his work
Every painting starts as a white canvas
So wipe yourself clean
And wait for someone who does not use old brushes on new paintings

You are the evident piece of love that everyone wants like the slice of cake with the most icing on it
You are the sweet candy that everyone craves and the one you wish most to get on Halloween
You are the favorite book, the best seller, the one with words that you have to look up because you are not easily deciphered
Your voice, so delicate yet firm, reverberates in my skull like a hymn in an empty church
You are the painting in my hallway that people have to ask about because, though it is beautiful, they feel the edging desire to know what it is
The truth is that I don’t know how to describe you
Words will never be enough
I could write until my hand cramps and refuses to move the pen in rhythmic swirls to form letters and still it would never be enough
You are more than I deserve

You have colored my skies dark and snatched away my sun I try to tell myself that I can paint back over this but mixing anything with black is just more black
I am out of white paint
My shelves are going dry, because you refuse to stop making art in the hollowness of my chest
Drawing borders that I wish you would cross
But you never do
Even when I am intoxicated
Drunk out of my right mind
On the very brink of alcohol poisoning
I feel your name start to boil in my mouth
And all I want to do is swallow you whole
Forget you ever signed your name on my tongue
But my gag reflex forces me to spit you out all over the bar
I will do my best to wipe it up
Apologizing to all of those who had to see such humiliation
I've come to realize however
That alcohol will always be much easier to swallow than the possibility that you once or still love me
Nothing else quite compares to the claws that slide down my throat when I try to drink a shot of your sweet toxin
There is nothing that quite correlates to that amount of agony
So if tonight, I end up calling you, know that I am sorry
I apologize in advance to the mumbled words and empty laughter
Know that I only did it, to ask for the white paint
That you stole from me

Loving you is the closest I have ever felt to flying
Yes, of course, I've been on an airplane and have jumped on a trampoline
I have had short lived experiences of being airborne
But loving you is long and drawn out flight
It feels as if the hands on my clock have arthritis
Like a bottle rocket pressing between my lips
Counting down the seconds that pass exceedingly slow
Waiting for the explosion
For the collision of my lips to yours
I have been waiting for far too long it seems
But maybe time is yet again using me as a martyr to prove that it does not care for your disposition or circumstance
Time only arrives when it knows it is needed
Time is never late or early
I am soaring through this love with only me, myself, and I
And I am waiting for the day where you believe that you too, can fly

I had a dream
that your love for me was deemed authentic
it was suddenly real and possible
I watched your affection for her fade like a summer sunset
when the day was feeling too long
We yearned for stars but were only fed clouds
I had a dream
that my feet did not trip over themselves at the sound of her name
because it was followed by the sound of mine
leaping up above it
I had a dream
that your hands opened up, fingers intertwining with mine
letting not even the evening breeze separate this immaculate fantasy
I had a dream
that you held me like the hemming in a backyard hammock
the crackling of a forest fires romance
the peak of midnight hit my body
like a hammer hitting a nail
with no intention to hit it again
I know that this was only a dream
because reality was standing in my doorway this morning
looking me in the face
I had a dream that you loved me
But I woke up knowing that you stilled loved her

I want to be a poem
Drawn out using long words and comas
Penciled before penned in case you write me wrong
Find a spark in me and write about it
Write down all the words and phrases that come to your mind when I cross it
Think about what you want to achieve
Will I be one for the books or just another in your leather notebook filled with other girls names
Let the creativity flow like a river after it has been drowned in the rain, pushing the excess water it can no longer hold
Use concrete imagery and vivid descriptions
Paint all of the abstract concepts like you are painting your favorite piece of artwork in black and white
Use poetic devises to enhance the beauty in meaning
Add a sharp turn at the end
Leave the reader hanging
Read over me, memorize every punctuation
Bring me to life and read me out loud
Bring rhythm to my every syllable and make me a song
Edit my body if it does not suit you
Make any changes that you see fit
If I do not rhyme, do not fret
Even blank verse poetry can be beautiful
I believe all poetry is a work of art
I want you to see me in a frame
Why else did you think I asked you to write me down?

There is something so heart-wrenching
About having dinner with yourself
Sitting down, and the waiter asks,
"Are you expecting someone?"
They will say this with a smile
Because they are used to the answer being yes
You will reach down into your gut
Scrounge for a decent ****** expression
That does not make it seem like their words have cut you open
"No," you sigh, "I am not"
They nod and pick up the plate and silverware across from you
And that's when you really feel it
That’s when it hits you like a brick
crashing through wind shield
And the calamity will be new to you
You will not see it coming, how can you ever?
At the end of the meal, you will get your check
And suddenly you miss the disputes on who will pay
The sweet argument that will never get old
In the moment, the frustration would build
But it was one that you could smile at
And you know that many things happen in your life
That you think should not
But they did anyways
And here you are
Paying your bill in silence

I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
As if seeing my face brought enough guilt to turn your head
Your neck was never stronger than your mind
I know that I am not as beautiful as she is but you can at least treat me like I am still a person
I am still a person
Despite my hallow chest that has been swallowed by the authority I have given to men who seemed trustworthy enough
My heart is a stone, it is hard and dry, desperate for recovery
I cannot handle such pain on a daily basis
I hope that you do not look at me anymore
Because it is only adding hope to my absolute oblivion
I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
Do not look at me at all
If you are only doing to drift your head to another disposition once I recognize it
And decide to look back

I can not decide if I regret you or not
You have taught me what it feels like to really laugh
and to really cry
You have taught me to question people who doubt me but also to question myself
I can not decide if I regret you or not
Because you are so sweet but you've given me cavities
but I consider if maybe it is better to have sweetness that went bad rather than no sweetness at all
I can not decide if I regret you or not
but when I see her name on your phone
next to mine
I wonder which one you regret
out of the two

Someone stopped to tell me that I was beautiful today
A complete stranger, someone who crossed my path for a second but decided they could not leave satisfied without spilling out a compliment into my lap
I wasn't sure how to pick it up at first
I smiled and said thank you, combing a piece of hair behind my ear, trying to hide the timidity in my posture
Thank you, to whoever you are

Love as thin as water
As bitter as gasoline
As numbing as anesthesia
As calming as ocean tides
As captivating as the night sky
As addicting as chocolate
As addicting as it gets
Love for me, has just been alcohol
Because it is the only love
That somewhat loves me back
And if not, makes me believe it anyways

There are so many things that I could apologize for
but today I finally realized
I have been apologizing for far too many things
that were not my fault
but yours

I return home in a gaze
And I think back on
The way he holds the steering wheel
Arm stretched out like a bridge reaching for direction
I think back on
The way he turned and looked at me
In effort to explore the decaying garden in my head
My body was aching to touch his
My mind knew better to keep my head down
I think back on
His smile that lit up the dark insides of the car
I know that it has been said time and time again
But man, if only you could see his
It would change your whole perspective on what light truly looks like
I think back on
The road in front of us
The sound of the engine humming in my ears
The distant melody of his breathing
I know that this sounds insane
But sometimes going insane is the best way to love
I think back on
His eyes, like a car crash
I know I should look away by I cannot bring myself to do so
I wonder if you see disaster in me as well
My heart beat turns pouring rain in my chest
I never did appreciate looking into them everyday
Now your eyes are a precious sight, an infrequent gift
I will try not to take them for granted
I think back on
Us, you and I, together
I am not as capable as I once was when I had you
I find myself aching for the sunlight in your arms
My love for you now is like an apartment I cannot afford
A love that will take you down
There is not a day that goes by where I do not question myself in the name of you
I swear if we love again, I will love you right
Though that is deemed on the brink of impossible
I will never lose hope
Real love never truly does

I would never think of writing about
how I'd rather listen to you talk about what you thought
love was
in place of making dinner
I have found myself shrinking
from lack of sufficient vitamins
and I would never think of writing about how your lips curve so splendidly when you smile
how your teeth carry a night light that brightens even the deepest darkness
I would never think of writing about how your eyes are deeper than the pacific
deeper than any ocean
ever to have existed
the blue is blinding
your eyes carry a delicious color
that reminds me of an old swing set I used to have
and I would never think of writing about love
love is something so dear and fragile
that my words do not have the capacity
to begin to attempt to explain it
love is sweet and gentle
love is not what you would expect but when you meet love,
love is not disappointing
I would never think of writing about love simply because
all I would be able to write about
is you

Loving you is my favorite mistake
One I would never take back
Although I have kept up this act, that it wasn't a problem
I know it was a bad decision on my part
But I do not care
I will love you even more
Because our hearts never worked well with erasers
And I think that mistakes like these
Turn out looking a lot better
Than the way we're "supposed" to be
Kind of like changing the ending to a bad movie
You'll thank us later

Falling in love knowing your heart is going to break is the best way to do it
Fall like a summer thunderstorm and don’t look back unless you're searching for flowers that will bloom in your wake
Wander into uncharted territory and let your guard down
Do not let the barb wire fence frighten you, reach out to touch it
Bleed red like the roses he will bring your mother in the winter
Let your thoughts wander over the precipice of the future, imagine him in it, imagine the both of you sharing an apartment
One with wood floors and white walls
Waking up next to him, his arms wrapped around you
Let the sound of his breathing resonate in the compounds of your mind
Remember this sound when you cannot produce it yourself
Your body will turn to face him and he will squint his eyes at the light reflecting off your skin from the window
He will sigh and say "good morning," in sluggish harmony with the most beautiful smile
The innocent kind where nothing could ever take away the grace, the way his cheeks slide up and he exhales with a laugh
Imagine that he is happy, still
He pulls you towards him and kisses your forehead
His body is warm like an eastern sunset in the middle of the summer
And in this moment you will smile in disbelief of how lucky you are
"Do you want coffee?" you will say, running your fingers through his tussled hair
He will nod, slightly, just enough for you to see it and though you don't want to, you will slide out of bed
Leaving the warmth, leaving him there with every intention to return
Falling in love knowing you heart is going to break is the best way to do it
And sometimes sliding out of bed will become parallel to sliding out the door
And leaving the one place that really felt like a home
You may intend to return, but when you do
You will discover that he has changed the locks

She is everything you'd ever want
And I am nothing of that
And even though every time I look
in the direction of both of you
I crack like an old sidewalk
dark and tough yet fragile
I shatter like a mirror that has had enough
Even though it bruises everything in me
I will still say that I am happy for you
And I am
You deserve to be happy
Even if it does not include  me
And I am willing to smile in the name of you and her
Simply because you deserve to be happy
And you are
**And that is all I want for you

I've discovered a kiss means nothing until it means everything
A spark is not authentic until there is a fire
A lighter is nothing without the fluid that makes a flame
Now all that lingers is lips on lips
And nothing more than that

I never thought I would fall in love with you
You are the unobtainable, best friend
You are captain friend zone (or you were)
You are sweet candy that will rot my teeth
You are sneaking out my window at night with the understanding that I've already been caught
You are risking it anyways
I never thought I would fall in love with you
Because you are so annoying
But oddly enough, I crave you
I crave you in the mornings when I wake up to a cold room
I crave you at night when my mind refuses to sleep because thoughts of you are like caffeine
You have the audacity to be beautiful even when everything around you is not
I never thought I would fall in love with you
But I think I did anyways

Loving you is so bittersweet
It is like running on a fractured ankle and thinking this will help it heal
It is like ringing the doorbell to an abandoned house an expecting someone to answer
It is the only thing that all of the songs are right about
Loving you is quiet
I could never do it out loud because the thing about unrequited love is it does not dare to speak up, it cares more for holding its breath rather than wasting it
People tell you that if you love someone, you should always tell them
But I fear that telling you something so audacious would only scare you away
And I cannot bear you leaving
I would rather love you from the corner of my eye rather than the blur from salted crystals seeing your backside as it walks away from me

Her head bobs along to a song you can't hear and you wonder what she sings in the showers these days
She used to joke saying that singing wasn't her forte but you always loved the sound of her Sunday morning humming
You wonder who listens to her talk about the stars at night or who carries her home when she's drunk
She used to ramble on about her future and smile when she was upset
In her vulnerable times she put periods at the ends of her sentences
You wonder if anyone notices now the stress behind her proper grammar
She reminds you of the way the mountains change colors when the sun goes down, only lasting a few seconds and barely long enough to photograph
Her love did not last very long in one piece
It carried on when she left but you never knew about it, did you?
When she walked out it was like a tornado in your mind finally hit you and knocked you off your feet
The ground was a lot closer than you thought it was
Love will do that to you
Her hands grip her blue jeans and she keeps her head down when you pick here up, not so much a white horse just a white car
She is the poem everyone feels they should reread
And you have, you have read through her often
Memorized the lines like it was a monologue you had to preform
You wonder if she misses you
You wonder if she still listens to your favorite song
You wonder if she knows that you still listen to hers

There will be a day, coming to you soon
When your world of black and white turns to color
The pages in your childhood color book
Will be scribbled outside of the lines
Every inch will illuminate pigments of joy
Carelessly erasing blankness
Replacing it with animation
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When the gaps in your soul will be filled
Like pouring water into the glass
Whether it be half full or half empty
It will be overflowing
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When the words that fell out of your mother's mouth
Taunting and baneful, each criticism will melt beneath this new light that you have found
Do not give up yet
Nothing is as hopeless as it seems
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When everything will be okay
Don't miss it my love
Don’t miss it, please

Lately I have found myself pulling out arrows and throwing them back at cupid because although you are not supposed to pull the weapon out of the wound, I refuse to remain in this
I would rather bleed to death than drown in love

I will call you up drunk
Declaring my mistaken disposition
Pulling your skin between my lips
like a cheap cigarette
Igniting your spirit
Watching you dance in the smoke
But eventually throwing you out
Because even fire does not last forever
Though it may keep us warm for a short time
It will always burn out

If only I could say this out loud
How our prior affair continues to draw breath in my mind
It is barely survuving and I am aching to restore it
It clings tight to my shoulder
Claws digging into my thin cotton t-shirt
I never imagined I would have to endure this
And here I am in a perpetual state of misery
If only I could say this out loud
How this distance is tearing me to pieces
It's as if I am the bridge and she is the earthquake
Ripping me apart each crumbling rock at a time
I am breaking before I was ever finished being built
If only I could say this out loud
How my chest is always heavy
And my stomach is always tightened
As if sooner or later my body will stop working
Have my organs cave in on themselves
Have my bones snap and you will only blink
If only I could say this out loud
How I love you
I know I shouldn't now
But all I can think about is you
And I cannot bear to say it
Looking at you, I cannot bear to say it
Out loud