Some of my best poems
are ones about you
and I am not sure
if I should apologize
or thank you for that

I apologize in the name of you far too often than I should
I paint the picture and I am always the criminal
and you are the victim
Yet, all the while you stole my heart
I've been told that the more love you show,
the easier it is to get heart broken
And I have shown far too much love to you
Secreting my feelings for you in my back pocket
being careful not to sit down
and break what I have left of hope in tomorrow
and break the rest of what I have left of your smile
and maybe break a little more of my innocence and hope that love might be real enough to be returned by someone like you

As the liquor undulates down my throat,
burning a little more at each swallow
like lighting a match with wet fingers
I realize that in this moment
I am not worried about you
I am too busy sequestering my existence
with alcohol that does not remind me of you at all
the one thing that can not summon your name to my mind
one thing that makes me forget you, even if only for a little while
Fueled by liquid fire
nature’s neutrality doesn't do much
for this current wave
of lust and infatuation
I am only a girl
fragile, choleric
& craving something to fill the hole you left
And I know I will wake up in the morning
with regret, a headache, and an empty stomach
It can take 2 hours, 8 hours or a full day
to get alcohol out of your system.
but it's going to take
much more than time,
to remove you from mine.

Hope is, by definition, a feeling of expectation and desire for something to happen, a feeling of trust**
Hope carries anchors on it's shoulders, afraid it will only meet the standard of almost
We all hope, but we do not all receive
Hope is the product of human weakness
We long that's why we aspire
Imagine how weak man is, we are not like birds that can fly when we want to go to places or we want to see people
We are frail and easily inflicted with illnesses
We are fragile bottles that easily break physically and emotionally, hence the development of the helmet and airbags
The study of human emotion called psychology and psychiatry
And worse, we die, that is why men searched for the fountain of youth to no avail
Hope helps us to move on and continue
Hope is a wish, hope is a motivator
Hope gives a reason to keep going
Hope is the whisper telling us that it will get better in time
But I ask, why do the hands of my clock have arthritis
Hope is not a liar
Hope is encouraging but hope is also deceiving
Hope is joker, a trickster
Like an amateur magician, everyone could see the trap door but me
Hope will disappoint you
Hope is not perfect, hope does not always work out like you think hope should
But hope is valuable, hope keeps balance
Hope carries the unable, the dreamers, the optimists
Hope is the guide
Without hope, we're lost
Without hope, we're nothing

Today
multiple times
people brought your name up
in casual conversation
tossing it around lightly
not realizing that they were handing me bricks
each time they joked and nudged my shoulder
one brick added
each time their lips curved upward in a smile because of my odd disposition
two bricks
each time I looked down trying to avoid the multiplying of baggage
bricks
they carry your name in their minds sitting next to mine
they see my love for you as little or insufficient quantity
just a crush, no big deal, she'll get over it
Today
multiple times
people brought up your name
and I just looked down, looked away, looked anywhere else
because all I have ever known
was to look away in the name of you

I saw you tonight
Suit and bow-tie, hair slicked back
You looked like Jay Gatsby
a beautiful, mysterious being
whom everyone craved to be acquainted with
We spoke for only a moment or two
I recalled a few old memories hoping
that you read between the lines and remembered too
We walked away from each other after the small talk
I walked with hope and anticipation
while you probably carried another girl's name on your lips
You were searching for a girl who was not me
and I was looking into a green light
trying to grab hold of something that did not belong to me
I miss you like the stars miss the moon
So much that it hurts me to even say your name out loud
Do not accompany my heart with hers
She has not yet fallen into your spiderweb
And I am here tangled in translucent webbing
Hoping that maybe you haven't lost interest
In someone as undeniably in love with you, as me
no matter how much it hurts

I am in love with the idea of you
I could listen to your voice forever
put you on a record and play you for hours
I want to pour all of your thoughts into a wine glass
and sip it slowly, taking in each one, swallowing smooth dreams
I want to look into your eyes
just long enough to decipher each color
to count each eyelash
I want to hold your hand in mine
and feel each crescent in your palm
I could go on about the idea of you for ages
I could talk about you like a novel I was planning to write
Draw out each word with extravagant detail
I could do it all
I am in love with the idea of you
Yet after the record finishes, each time
It is always harder to play it again
Because each word that slips off of your lips
are the lips that have kissed a girl who is not me

You
The 10 letter name that never leaves my mind
I keep you trapped inside my head like a little kid
traps a caterpillar in the palm of their hands
You were the missing piece to my puzzle
That one that let you know exactly what you were looking at
You made my picture beautiful
Illuminating each edge, filling each blank crescent with color
and I was in love with the colors of your rainbow
I fell in love with you a lot faster than I'd expected
I memorized each curve, each insecurity, I loved
The way your eyes squint when you smile
How you never fail to look at the ground when you're laughing
As if you're trying to hide something
The way you say her name
Your precise tone and articulation
Sometimes I like to talk about you
like you're the one that got away
sort of like you're on a trip somewhere and you're coming back
I'm sorry I have not forgotten how to see you as beautiful
I still have your paintings hanging on my wall
and I have not yet brought myself to taking them down
But when I do, I'll return them to you
just as you gave them to me
maybe she needs a little color of yours too

Don't ask me what it is like to love someone
I have thrown the word love away
Like they do colorful beads at Mardi Gras
Abundant and beautiful
Yet no one throws them back
Don't ask me what it is like to love someone
I have waited by too many telephones
I have kissed too many of the wrong people
Hoping to find one who's lips might taste like his
Like craving something you're allergic to
Yet still giving into the temptation of eating it an suffering anyways
Do not ask me what it is like to love someone
Because I have not experienced real love
Real love is when it is returned
Having the one who's eyes look like the sunrise
The one who's walk makes you want to follow behind them
The one who had a smile that can reignite a fireplace
Having the one who makes your heart melt like ice cream on a summer day love you as much as you love them or even more
That is real love
And I am not familiar with something so precious
Because the one who stimulates my well-being is too busy
Following someone else, someone who is nothing like me
And yet still I wonder if he is taste testing too

It's easy to think that you miss me
It takes no effort to imagine you and I together
Acting as if we never went separate ways
Acting as if the sun never set the night you held my hand
Acting as if our love aligned at a perfect intersection
It's so simple to look back and pretend that it was all real to both of us
To play pretend and you being the boy who actually cared and me being the girl who actually didn't
All just scenes of a premature play that never made it to Broadway
We were just too cliche I guess
A story that everyone's already heard
And maybe this is what you wanted
For us to be put away, collecting dust and remembering only the fragments of our so called "love"
We look like a broken mirror, a cracked sidewalk
So jagged and sharp yet I am addicted
Addicted to the burn, addicted to the pain
Because I figured that if I didn't feel anything
It would be as if it never happened
The agony proves **it was real

One who** kisses but never actually touches lips
One who hugs but bodies never truly embrace
One who says but never does
One who fractured my conscience
One who never even noticed

Last night I discovered of how little you think of yourself
How you battle insecurity and feel like less of a human being
How you look in the mirror and do not see perfection
You count the calories you intake instead of the constellations in your eyes
You see an empty soul instead of the alluring prize
And what you don’t understand is I think
You are so beautiful, I wouldn't recognize you among the stars
You are so beautiful, that flowers must be jealous
You are so beautiful, the oceans are envious of the depth of blue in your eyes
You are so blind to not see your charm and grace
And it tears me apart because I look at you and see a diamond
Unscratched, untouched, perfect
Yet all you see is a pebble

So often we look behind us to check if someone if following
To check is someone is creeping
To check if someone is watching
Also common, we in front of us to see what there is ahead
To take a small peek at the future
To make advancements on your dream
Maybe it's time to look beside us
To see who are real friends are
To help those who are walking too slow
To help those who can't walk on their own

When I was a little girl I used to separate all of my crayons into colors
I had the different blues, reds, yellows, greens
All categorized into section waiting for their turn
And I finally realized
There was always one color left behind, white
Pure and untouched, so uncommon, never used, overlooked
And sometimes I like to think of myself as that **white crayon

It's the day you get to see him
an hour and a half to stare at him
hoping he doesn't catch you
yet still kind of hoping he does
because if he sees your eyes
maybe it will remind him of
the light that was once there
but isn't there anymore
and maybe
he'll wonder why

"Why do you like him so much?" they all ask
"What's so great about him?"
Well let me put this into perspective
What’s so great about cigarettes?
The exhausting vapor oxidizing your lungs
Painting rough shades of grey filling all of the empty voids
What's so great about alcohol?
The acerbic liquid that turns one night into a celebration
But the next morning into a distressing *****
Leaving you sick to your stomach, feeling vacant
So what's so great about him?
He is the IV in my veins
His eyes possess a power that draw me to him
An addicting extenuation of unrequited love
He makes me feel like candlelight
A lighter without gas
A bottle with nothing in it
Astounding disappointments falling on top of each other
Constant agony but this love is too strong to feel anything less
**I couldn't imagine feeling anything less

Some would say that the light is more important than the lantern
The poem is more important than the notebook
The kiss is more important than the lips
But love is not more important than the person whom it comes from
If you loved me, over anyone else, it would be all I need
I wouldn't need love from the sun or the flowers
It wouldn't matter how green the grass was or if the lights were on all of the time or if the glass was half empty or half full
If your love was something I possessed, than I would be okay
All the time, I would be okay

I am not made to listen to everything you have to say
I am not created to follow all of your rules
You are not the author of my life
You are the delete button
You are the troublesome being who believes they can control
all of my actions, all of my words
but I am not your puppeteer
I am the untrained, non-manipulated,
over-reacting, non sensible, unreasonable
***** who knows exactly what she's talking about
So in case you were wondering
Yes, I do kiss my mother with this mouth
And you can go **** yourself

isn't it scary how easy it is for people to lie
for their tongue to twist and send out words
that look like broken telephone poles
how open mouths became more important
than the words that were coming out
but yet every time you would lie to me
and I saw that your words looked
just like cracked sidewalks, like broken trust
I still tricked myself into believing
that you would never lie to me
because I
*never lied to you

Something is tapping my shoulder
Telling me to look away
Telling me that it simply will not work
That even with everything I've got, it'll never be enough
But something else urges me on
As if you were the only one for me
As if you actually felt the same way
As if I could actually obtain such beauty
But suddenly the door swings off it's hinges and reality stands in the door way shaking his head
He knows that there is no such thing as second chances
He knows that I do not deserve something of such quality
He knows all of the things that I refuse to believe
I still love you like I always have
Like lighting the last match just to watch it burn
Like a little kid playing with fireworks, loving the sparks but hating the ending, always wanting more
Always wanting to hold the lighter but to afraid of the flame being so close
I am a runaway train headed straight toward you
Yet even with our head on collision
You still do not even recognize me
Something is telling me to let go
But everything else is tightening my grip

Too many times we forget that it's possible to be happy

Sleepless nights fill with incompetent infatuation
and drunken bewilderment
igniting white sticks of numbness
to grip all of our pain in one palm
and take it away
in a quick instance
Hoping that maybe tomorrow you will
feel a little less pain
But when you wake up
in a painful daze
with smudged make-up on a white pillow
and cold coffee
Confused as to why
It Still Hurts So **** Much

Congratulations
You went to church
but did you pay attention?
or were you focused more on bright screams
Congratulations
You read your bible
but when do you plan on listening to it
Congratulations
You're going to an outreach on Saturday
but what did you do Friday night?
Congratulations
You're a Christian
You are adding onto the stereotype of
Fake Christians
Stop telling people to not be lukewarm and
To live for God full out
When You Yourself
**Are the problem

You are a rose, so beautifully arranged into sweet succulent taste
So mouthwatering and compassionate
Yet every time I bite into you there is blood in my mouth
Because I always forget
That even the most beautiful rose
Has thorns

Suicide seems so bitter-sweet
Bitter: You are dead
Sweet: You get to choose when
Although I have craved
That simple taste of death
I was never brave enough
To end it all at once
So I have substituted that bitter-sweet death
With the bitter-sweet taste
Of a lit cigarette
Killing myself slowly
One inhale at a time

The crowd is full of opinions
The world is full of perfectionist
The people are full of constant desire
The books are full of fiction
The movies are full of fake true love
The news is filled with tragedy
The internet is filled with hate
But you are made of light
No matter how dark your life feels
No matter what lamps have gone out
No matter how thick the walls are
No matter how far you think you may be from an open window
You do not need one
Because
You are made of **light

like falling into a pool of ice
the sudden shock is overwhelming
the sharp needle like stinging
constantly getting tighter
closing tight like locked jaw
clenched fist, gripping air
you are my winter water
you make me go so still
I almost don't exist
*I almost do not even exist

You and I
We are indifferent
We are dumbfounded by feelings
We are two people in the same room with nothing to talk about
Confounded by misunderstandings
Believing the lies while choking on the truth
We are two people who never wanted to face the concrete reality
Always wanting the other one to speak up first
You and I
Sitting in silence

if only I had the second chance
if only the cards were in my favor
if only life were as simple as air
I promise that I would love you
like I have always wanted to be loved
I would give you my sole endeavor
to always keep you smiling
I never want to see a distorted disposition
you deserve to be happy all the time
so if I am not included in your happiness
that is okay
just as long as you are
always
**happy

Friday night
Window open
Cigarette lit
Praying that the house is still asleep
Hoping to maintain the good girl reputation
Maybe they wont find out
But then again too drunk to even care
My mind is unconsciously running out of reasons why I should stop
The addiction is too strong
The persuasiveness is at its all time high
And the regret remains at the bottom of an empty bottle
I hide myself behind drunken nights that are as never as fun as they sound
I want to forget it all
So I cross the lines that I drew to keep myself away
Not even thinking of going back
Not even wasting my time on the fact that the more I do it
The more permanent the thoughts become
You are engraved into the concrete of my mind
And I still
Constantly
Tell myself that if I just keep going
If I just keep pushing myself
It'll all go away
But it doesn't
Every time
It comes back

It's not that I hate you because I truly do not
And it's not that I want you to move far away because I don't think I do
And maybe it's not that I want you to never smile again
Because everyone deserves to see sunlight indoors sometimes
I just want you to stop coming around
But then again I wish you were closer
I am so indecisive with what I want from you
I want you to go away but I'll still crave you all the time
And I want you to come back but what if you leave
Loving you is walking on a tightrope with no safety net below me
And every few seconds you wonder what would happen
would anyone catch me
if i just slipped up
and fell

You were the sudden thought and craving that had been running through my mind for weeks
And finally I became the ghost of a night that was supposed to happen with someone else
I was scared and frigid and you broke me like a number two pencil
You tore away just pieces of my innocence that felt like tearing down brick walls that were built for a reason
Why did I give in so easily
And now I think of you and wonder if I was more than a one night "pretend love"
I wonder if it meant maybe just a little more
Now you only look at me like a gift you wish came with a receipt
But now I think we have both learned that there are no refunds for regrets
You sewed a string of excuses why it was okay because you were just being a man
I gave you a little of what you wanted
And now I am trying to convince myself that I do not need it back

open up your mind
let all of your hidden thoughts
crawl out of the closet
and be set free for just a minute or two
try to remember the simple fragrance of desire
the constant craving kept a secret
until one soul became braver than the other
the beginning was calm and passionate
gentle and sweet
stage two
our bodies caressing on top of one another
turning back and forth
heavy breaths and open mouths
grabbing hard, kissing tender
never wanting to stop, never getting enough
you can hear your heart beat in your chest
and the flutter in your stomach is eternal
the feel of your neck and your hands down my back
until finally one kiss
then another and another
so addicting
then suddenly everything goes quiet, still
eyes closed, one deep breath
and one dark room filled with memories of a night
to forever be kept a secret

Each and every time someone warns me about you
My heart tends to crave you just a little bit more
Each and every time

You are the open textbook on how not to fall in love
You are the hand-written love letter that no one gets to read
You are broken glass vase with a stained memory of where flowers used to live
I know that you are not good for me
You're a liar who feels no guilt in lying
You are a desirable gift that never last very long
You are the reason for when my palms get sweaty I immediately wipe them dry
You are a runaway train that no one can easily get off of
And I do not have time for bumpy rides
My heart refuses to wear a helmet
Today I am saying that no matter how hard you pull or push
I will never go back to the empty train station again

If I were to describe you
I would write for days
Write until my hand goes numb
Write until my lead runs out
Write until the paper I wrote on had covered every blank space
I could write books about you
and how I felt for you
and how I wished you knew
and how I wished I could muster up the courage to tell you all of the things that I refused to let out of the bottle
You are a the red light that I always end up running
You are the punchline to my favorite joke
You are the chorus to my favorite song
You are light that wakes me up every morning
But you are also the thick darkness that puts me to sleep
Waking up to damp pillows and cold coffee
Too cold to get out of bed
Too scared to face the truth that you really have forgotten me
A broken pencil and a trash can full of ripped pages
I woke up every morning asking myself the same question
Hoping for the same answer yet knowing that it was all just a lie
You have taught me to lie to myself and believe it
I look at you and my knees go weak
Your eyes drown my entire being in a warm sea of blue and green waves that never fail to crash in the exact same place
Your lips carry me away so peacefully and swift that I forget where I am, that forget to stop staring, that I forget that we don't even don't even speak to each other anymore
If I were to describe you
I don't know exactly what metaphors I would use
And I'm not sure I would ever be okay with you reading it
But of everything I have learned from being around you
whether I am with you or not
I know that every word I write
is never the right one
Every word I write
is **wrong

You didn't say goodbye, but you didn't say hello either
It's like waiting for an alarm to go off
Then suddenly realizing you never set one
I'd like to think that you think of me, maybe
When the world gets really quiet
That the silence would remind you of my heartbeat
And steady breaths
Sometimes, that you would remember my hands on your chest
My hand in your hand
Do you ever think of me at all?
Or and I just footsteps in the snow
A grain of sand on a beach
Cliche song lyrics that you don't bother to listen to anymore
I guess that I understand
I was always the rough draft
But tomorrow
Under your pillow will be the memory of a girl
Who really did love you
One that has moved on
One that has forgotten
One that does not think of you anymore

Left and Right
Two completely different things
But my love for you
Is neither left nor right
My love for you is in between
My love for you is snow when the sun is out
My love for you is a clean house with muddy floors
My love for you is a shooting star without making a wish
Confusing maybe
But real
My love for you is is indifferent
But my love for you is real

I never knew if you were so in love with me it hurt or if you never loved me at all

Today I thought about you
As I did yesterday and the day before that
How your skin is like velvet
Hair like burnt caramel
Boy with a kiss like a hand grenade
Boy with a touch like a paper cut
Boy with a voice like a church choir
Boy I fell in love with in 2 weeks
At the age of 14 it was easy to love you
I loved every piece of you
Treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber
My love for you was so sweet some would call it cliche
Cupid didn't have an arrow large enough to fit this love
You were the first boy to make my palms wet just by walking into the room
Until I took it too far
Finding myself on a bedroom floor
He loves me... He loves me not
I let you have the remote control to my smile
I realized I was never letting myself cry as much as I needed to
You were the boy who I would spend all day getting ready for
Loving you was the last thing I thought I was good at
Until I started replaying these memories like scatched up DVDs
Broken, glitching flashbacks
Your name engraved in my heart and mind
Your voice being the anthem of my soul
Your smile being my favorite picture
You being my favorite tragedy
Today I thought of you
As I will tomorrow and the day after that

I never imagined that I would still be in so deep
That the sound of your voice would still be playing in my head at night like a record
That I would still drown in your eyes every time I looked into them
That your smile would melt my insides
Talking to you was like walking on tight rope
One wrong move and I'd fall
Maybe even further than I'd ever fallen before
Praying that hitting bottom would hurt a little less than the last time
I will never forget each of our memories
The way you were so desperate to know what was going on inside of my head
The way I was so desperate for you to stop asking
How I wanted to kiss you but on the other hand I wanted you to kiss me
I still dream about the taste of your lips
And the silk on your hands
How each breath you breathed out was the same one I breathed in
I still have not forgotten your scars
The way you tried and I pushed you away
I pushed you away like a glass door that had the PULL sticker on it
I didn't know what I was doing
I forgot to read the message that was sitting in my phone that I had forgotten was there
But now the tables have turned
And I am the one that is waiting for you to answer my call
For you to take my hand and save me from this saltwater
Please don't let me drown
**Please don't let me drown

If I were to write you a letter
the first thing I would do is let you know of all of your flaws
Every single one
Next I would tell you how much I loved them
If I were to write you a letter
I would retell the stories you once told me and
recall each moment where I thought I'd loved you
If I were to write you letter
I would write in pen so that nothing could be erased
each mistake was left alone, as it was, kind of like me
Throwing around 26 letters in certain ways to express my perception
How on our first date, I wish I'd held your hand
How we never bluntly explained our feeling, somehow we just knew
How every time I saw you, I could easily, without second thought
just run up to you, interlock our bodies together for a few seconds
and ask how you were, or how your day was
Now I can't anymore...
The fact that I can't even speak to you anymore,
that's what kills me the most

you're right there
right in front of me
not even 3 feet away
although you and I are
miles and miles apart
my heart is on my sleeve
& yours is tucked away
in your blue jeans
each second crawled by
still I lost count
I tried to listen to your words
but all I could hear was myself
getting choked up
trying not to stare at you
was like trying to avoid
a flaming sunset on one of the
last days of your life
trying to forget you was like
trying to forget my own name
it's engraved into my mind
it's glued to the walls of my heart
my arms constantly crave to in yours
how can I avoid your smile
when it's the only thing I love
in the **world

You are as beautiful as
flowers in the rain,
a sunset setting fire to the sky,
fall leaves,
snow on trees,
You are so beautiful and you don't even know it

Do not tell me to calm down
When you do not know
Of the demons inside of my head

my love for you was a thought
a careless one in fact
that I placed inside beautiful picture frames
and hung around me on the walls
I'd built up

those simple ideas of old movies,
soft blankets, quiet breathing,
and late night coffee
the very thought of you
kept me awake

but the picture frames began to crumble
to fall off the walls
the shatter inside it's glass
the painted pictures fell
patiently to the ground
being walked all over by the
hard footsteps of reality

you would never guess that
a simple thought could travel so far
a simple thought could
leave you alone
a single, simple thought
could tear you like a thin sheet of paper
what a tragic thought, indeed

Falling in love is nothing and everything like they said it would be
It's mysterious and predictable
It's funny yet sad
It's song sounds like a sweet melody that
reminded you of bad dreams
It kept you awake at nigh and left you in a peaceful sleep
You see, falling in love is nothing and everything like they said it would be

You were the vacuum in my life, ******* out all of the bad things
All of the dirt, the waste, the trash, the insecurity that I swept under my carpet
You took it all away
I sat back in a clean apartment and kept thinking
What if I'd actually love being a mess...

Tangled
You and I
Like old earphones coming out of worn pockets
Like string sitting in a junk drawer
Like hair fresh from a nap
Like old shoe laces that were double knotted
You and I
Tangled

pastel drawings hanging on faded floral wallpaper in broken picture frames
this used to be a lovely scene before you left with
all of your secrets and lies swept under the carpet
these floorboards hold more skeletons underneath them than you could even count
I ask myself often how it was so easy for you to walk out
you didn't even lace up your shoes or
straighten up your hair
but before you try to step back into my life
don't forget to wipe your shoes on the doormat
for only God knows where those soles have taken you
muddy puddles, cracked concrete, and graveyard grass
but darling, one more thing
while you're out there on your own
be careful not to trust so fast
for I have more places to go in a game of hide-and-seek
more places that you never knew existed