Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Cheyanne Hopkins Feb 2019
love
hidden looks, touches
shared breaths
stormy eyes

LOVE
BODIES CONNECTING
SCREAMING FIGHTS
BROKEN HEARTS
FORGIVEN

Love
Holding Hands
Sharing Stories, Secrets
Life Lived In Unison
Together

love
my knowledge of love is limited
the information i thought was true is recondite
___
Cheyanne Hopkins Feb 2019
Tomorrow is when we try
So I don’t have to pretend I’m okay today
A shadow guards me
Encasing me in this glass prison
Shallowed out breath
Teardrop filled eyes
But they won’t leak

I have to be careful when I escape this prison
The scars on my arms paled but not yet gone
Memories of blood and tears
empty promises and doubt

A meticulous escape plan must be created
One to let me escape unscathed

Let me leave this prison unbroken
Slight Trigger Warning: Implication of Self Harm
Cheyanne Hopkins Feb 2019
I knew you before I knew myself.
Before I had truly become myself.
You were always there,
a mere thought in the back of my mind.
I never noticed how much I relied
on seeing your trusting eyes to keep me going,
I still think of you sometimes,
how I clung onto you like a lifeline.
How I never should have done that,
I wasn’t yours to fix
I'm no ones to fix but myself

I have to STOP relying so much
On the breathing of others to save me
I know now that's why you left
Its the only thing I can think of

I think I'm better now
Not completely
But more aware of who I was before
Less selfish maybe
Trying
Hoping
More scared though
Maybe freer
My words still get stuck in my throat
A locking door, deadbolted
But s o  m  e   t   i    m    e     s,
Sometimes I can pick the lock

Its never unlocked for long though

I miss you
I don’t know if I’ve ever missed anyone more
I miss you so much sometimes
I know I shouldn’t
But I thought I could have loved you
And I can’t let that go yet

I don’t hear your name anymore
Unless I’m the one to say it
It doesn’t hurt to say anymore
More of an empty ache
One day I know I won’t need to mention
Want to mention you
One day it won’t still hurt that you left me
Because you did
You left
Without explanation
Refusing to explain
Why didn’t you just tell me
I would have tried to be better

I am better
It took longer than it should of
But no one was telling me what I was doing wrong
Instead, people just left
Again
Why do people always leave

I don’t think I can handle someone else leaving
I need to be perfect
I want to be perfect
I’m not perfect
In any way
I’ll never be perfect

And that’s why people leave
And I just have to deal with it
I have to learn to read the minds of the ones I lost
The ones who left without even a goodbye

Is it because I’m too sad?
Someone said that to me once
That I was too sad
and that it was my fault that they left
That I made them leave
How did I make them leave?
All I wanted was them to stay
I wanted to better for them
Why didn’t they tell me I was wrong?

It's hard to fix your brain when you don’t know what's broken
When you can feel something wrong
but you can’t find the issue

The virus that poisons me
Reaching into my head
My heart
Blackening it
Filling it with hatred
I don’t want to hate
I want to love
And be loved
And I want people to STop leaving
But they never do
People never stop leaving

Some days I want to be left behind
Maybe if I fold into myself
If I leave people first
Then it won’t hurt as bad
But I don’t want to
I want to be happy
Not happy like
A pill that lasts only a few hours
I want my happiness to replaced my sadness
My sadness to replace my happiness let them switch out
Live each other's lives for a while

Maybe then I can learn to be myself
___________
Cheyanne Hopkins Feb 2019
Sometimes time stands still
in the most excruciating way
and I can't bring my self to take a deep breath
TO let myself be fixed
To admit I can be fixed
Can I be fixed?
AM I broken?
Am I scared?

I am scared that when time stands still
the air becomes stale, harder to swallow
My eyes sting with tears

Deep painful breath
shut eyes
stop tears
don't cry
not here
not now
later
when I'm safer

when my breath doesn't hurt so much
when time is moving a little faster
My father walked me down the aisle,
But my mother held my arm.
He went with me,
But we went not towards the altar,
But towards the door.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And the ***** rang through the church,
Humming through the elaborate crown molding,
Carved by my ancestors.

He went,
Not beside me,
But before me,
And I watched,
As he was illuminated by the bright,
Overbearing,
Texas sun.

My father walked me down the aisle,
But I did not wear white.
My father walked me in silence,
And I shed tears not for a man standing at the altar,
But for the one I would never see again.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And no veil obscured my face.
All eyes were upon me, but not for my pristine beauty,
Instead for my clenched jaw and furrowed brow,
Severe and fierce to distract from my glassy eyes.

My father did not leave me at the end of our walk to sit beside my mother.
She clung to me for support and sobbed breathlessly,
Loudly,
Unavoidably,
And I carried her with one hand,
My sister the other,
And walked towards my future.
A future family,
Not one person more,
But one person less.
I walked,
One final time,
With him.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And I will never forget it.
Hundreds of eyes isolating my family from the crowd,
Slow and muffled sounds drowning in the deafening beat of my heart,
Blurred faces staring,
Black heels clacking against the cobbled path from the church,
The anguished wails of my mother,
The whimpering of my sister,
And the wooden box that glided before us,
Pulling,
A string tied to our patriarch,
The pin key of our family,
Pulled taut and then snipped with the slam of the hearse doors.

My father walked me down the aisle,
Before I had a chance to grow up.
He walked me,
Out of the church,
Away from the altar,
Never to be walked again.
Cheyanne Hopkins Dec 2018
{no}

[yes]

^dont^

:run:

"live"
Cheyanne Hopkins Nov 2018
iii
one minute

I've been sitting in the corner for one minute, now I want to leave, need to leave. 60 seconds, 6 0. But now I can't

I'm sitting as far from the door as possible, the doorknob is barely visible.
On top of it is a giant spider. Well not giant, but big in spider proportions. I could see the hair coming from it.

three minutes

I'm not scared of spiders. Really, I'm not. I'm just not fond of them, I don't love them. I don't want to turn the handle when there is a large spider on it.
I have somewhere to be

let me leave
please
please
please

let me

out
Next page