I have thought the worst thoughts a human being can think,

And they are;

"I hate myself"

and

"I want to die"

This is for me
So here's to letting go
Letting go of you
Letting go of me
Letting go of my image
Letting go of who I used to be
Here's to me becoming more of myself
To embracing that which makes me different
If they don't want me this way?
Doesn't make a difference
I'm going to be my un-beautiful self
Outspoken, obnoxious, dorky, know-it-all, whatever
I'm going to be me
And see, this poem might not be beautiful
Not my usual poisonous masterpiece
Because for once I'm not being bitter
I'm not being dangerous or seductive or dark
I'm just trying to be
Trying to be okay
Because lately, I haven't been
And I think that as I'm trying to become the person I want to be,
I'm losing sight of the person I was,
and the person I am
So I'm no one
And then I'm left scrambling, trying to find personality traits to hold onto
Becoming the old me, living in the past
Becoming the future me, daydreaming in a world that won't last
And it hurts
Because what's happened in the past is there for a reason
And what hasn't been yet will never be
So for once I'm being nice to myself
Sweetie, let go
Let go of that poisonous boy
Mourn him, yes
You can cry for who you thought he would be
But let him go
It's not fair to either one of you
Because the more he tears you apart...
The more likely you are to destroy him in turn
So it's about time you let go that which drags you down
And make your way to the surface

So I guess tonight is a writing night
Because I haven't done this for a while
And the real reason is you
And I ******* hate you for that
But I love it
God, did you know how dead I've been feeling?
Is that why you chose now?
You knew, didn't you?
How I've been counting the minutes in the days that never end
How I've been listless and shivering
How I've been so utterly bored with my life
No interest in anything
No inspiration
Nothing to write about
Nothing to talk about
Nothing to think about
So in you come
Clawing your way into my world
The way you always have
And it's like you clawed away my curtains
And suddenly the outside world is bright and relevant again
I am exposed and alive and awash with feeling
I can't handle it
I can't handle you
I can't handle your mood swings
the way you change your mind about me everyday
I can't handle you losing interest in me
I can't handle you wanting me
It's all too much
You're too much
And I love you for it

You, you, you, you, you
You ******* **** me
I want to rage at you and tear at  your hair
As much as I want to kiss you and taste the salt on your skin
And I knew this wasn't healthy from the start
But I never did like what was good for me, did I?
And you, baby, you're the worst thing for me
A pusher when I'm craving
A thief when I'm waiting
A **** when I'm posing
A lover when I'm lonely
A **** when I'm weak
A snake when I'm strong
Always pushing your way past my defenses
Crack to the addict
Blade to the wrist
Push to the ledge
Laugh to the tears
Mouth to the whisper
Sword to the heart
An unrelenting adversary in the war against myself
A weapon of choice to be used against my fragile psyche
I was doing so much better before I met you
Ah, but my life was so boring before I met you
And even if I'm shaking, stammering, craving a fix
It's worth it when you give it to me
Which, in hindsight, is probably why I can't stay away
Why I come crawling back every time
And I know I can't rest until I have you
Or you destroy me












And we both know how that's going to turn out

I barely even know you
But I am irrevocably in love with you
You you you you you
Seeing you is like breathing out an endless sigh of longing
I swear to god you glow
From your little corner of the world
A quiet presence
A heavy presence
Oh, would you let me sleep inside your heart?
I want to know nothing but your heartbeat
The feeling of hair raised on your forearms
The warmth of your sleeping skin
And if I could, I'd also be beside you
Being a part of your world
In whatever way you'll let me
See you shining in the daylight
See you faintly under moonlight
See you, feel you, everywhere
"You, you, you, you, you"
Yet another endless sigh breathes out tonight