Magazines, girlfriends, my mother
They always talk about closure
I have found that closure does not exist
Anywhere outside the labyrinth of mind

I have found that the only way
To get over my manipulative ex-boyfriend
Was to walk away without looking back
Was to learn to love myself unapologetically
And not long for anyone to do it for me

I never wanted closure after disclosing my assault
Never wanted an apology to flow
From his water-colored mouth
He was a family member
And I was a child
Cat and mouse
He made me forget that I am worth more
Than where his hands went eleven years back
And where he forced mine to go.

Closure can look like taking your clothes off
In front of a full length, 360 degree mirror
And saying
"****."
It can be thanking God for the bend in my knee
The curve of my hips
The bulge of my stomach
To thank Him for letting me live this long

After a suicide attempt
After an eating disorder
I should not be alive
But I am
Is that not closure enough?

See, closure is misleading
It is not the end of a stage in your life
But the moment you realize
You don't need anything else
To continue to live.

I don't love you.
I swear.
You need to trust me when I tell you
Don't trust me.

I don't love you.
I swear.
Even my presence is a mirage
There to say I'll never hurt you
Even though I aim a thousand arrows
At your blessed temple.

I don't love you.
I swear.
See through my white lies that spout from my mouth
Telling you I'll always be there for you
That I'll always help you in your times of need
That I'll always cherish you.

I don't love you.
I swear.
That gleam in my eyes
Is not adoration.

I don't love you.
I swear.
Even though I've managed to convince myself otherwise.

It is not as though you don't love me anymore,
I know you never did.
But who am I to blame you?
As if we have ever known what love is.
You say I am yours and you are mine,
But the truth is that we are only wasting time.
So take my body, take my mind.
But I don't belong to you
And I never will
Quite honestly that is just how I feel.

I laugh to replace the tears I need to cry.

For every cell of skin
That fills without
To love within
Powder blush
Purple brush
That paints their face
I find the only place
I wish to race to
Is beside you

With every ***** babe
Model or pageant queen

I find only you rule my dreams
My nightly and daytime desires
My masturbatory fantasies
Tight lips
Tasting your powerful tongue
Wispy word goddess
Dark hazel eyes
My thoughts do not lie
They hold no surprise
Only the years of affliction
Facing such an addiction
For which I would
Sell the world to feed

You are my need