You get second-hand
updates
Of the way their hair looks
Piecing together glimpses
Of a parallel life
You hope next time
Some mutual friend shares their face
On a random Sunday
On that photos app
they look happier.

The symptoms included:
Chest tightness, nauseas
Laboured breathing, heavy heart.
They say it’s a natural reaction
—I must be allergic—

To

     Bitter memories and regrets.

There is another timeline
Where we are home,
—after a lovely Sunday birthday dinner
of friends

We are thinking of hosting one next.
We agree everyone will love the dessert.
We complain about tomorrow
Usual Monday’s sorrow
We do our nightly routine
I ask you if you want some water
For your bedside

—Not in this cruel one, no.
Yet in some other, —kinder— it is.

We could never be.

You had a malice in you,
I couldn’t recognise in me.

We could never be.

The roots of your envy,
Started to grow stagnant,
In the depths of my being.

We could never be.

I had to understand.
I couldn’t change this fate.
I had to let go of my faith.

We could never be.

The endearing love,
The Christmas parties,
The summers to come.

I am aware
Ignorance is bliss.

Yet,

I am aware.

I am too awake.

I am fully conscious!

This shall be the death
Of all my progress

I am aware!
Can you numb me again?

My mind is poisonous

I am aware

I am my own

                    worst enemy.