I don't know what to do
My heart's a mess
While my head's trying to
Convince me it wants you

I'm so connected to the
Heart of you
Want to stay
Pushed to go

Split in two
Do I want you?
I left you
But I still care
My heart's torn
I'm so gonna regret this later

I'm so stupid
i mean honestly
I'm just an innocent little girl
all I want is to be loved
at least to be wanted
tht was too much to ask for
silly me me for ever thinking
there was a chance for me to be happy
why did I ever believe
someone anyone
would ever care about me

Dear mom,
Please stop blaming me
Using society as a shield for the
Disgust YOU feel towards ME

You expect too much
Refuse to say
What you want and
I know I know
It's all my fault
Isn't it always?

Stop being selfish
My anger isn't some
Guarantee you ****** up
It wasn't you
Someone hurt me
To protect you I fell silent
**** that angered you

Stop expecting me
To behave on behalf of society
One that
Threw me away
As a child
Shunned my differences
When I couldn't explain them

You never accept that
You have anything to do with
What happens to me

Dear mom,
Want the truth?
Here it is:
I spent a week
Starving myself to
Feel better and free
While you continued to
Badger me

I'm not even sorry
That I can't blame myself
For once I NEED
Selfishness-
At least enough
To tolerate myself

So tired
exhausted
From a long day
Of pain and crying
Yet my brain
Refuses to sleep
My body
Giving up on me

Several
Lovely hours where
Everything feels good
Everyone feels happy
Peace is attained

Growing up kids get told
"There's nothing wrong with
Being who you are"
"You can be anybody
You want to be"
"You are special"

Unless of course
You are different
Not a stereotyped that
Can be boxed and put away

You are only wanted if you
Act and look a certain way
Skinny but still look like you eat
Smart but not so smart it's intimidating
Talk and be kind
Don't say too much or be too nice
Then you'll come off as creepy

Tired of spending days
Being quiet when
There's so many things to say
Staying up late
Contemplating ways to
Be who I was told people would like

It's hard trying to fit in
When you always stand out
Scratch that
Get left out

I've tried everything
To be who you want
Why can't I just be me?
I don't know how to be
Some puppet controlled by society

It's too late to say sorry
Where was sorry
Before I cut myself
Before I ended up
In the hospital
Your apologies mean
Nothing to me anymore

I wish this would've happened sooner
Wish you would feel sorry for
Hurting me, breaking me
But you care now
That I'm too far gone

Sorry I'm such a bad friend
All my efforts to please you
Were never good enough

Sorry that
Every time you needed me
I dropped everything for you

When my heart was broken
I gave the pieces left to you

Sorry that you
Couldn't accept me
No matter what I did
You always put me down

And I'm sorry
It took so long for me
To leave the toxicity
That you caused me

Sorry that I'm not worthy
You trusted me to
Stay strong
But I failed all of you

I'm sorry that I can't be there
At least not for now
I wish I could help you
Make it through the pain

I'm sorry I cared about you
That you meant a lot to me
Yet it was too easy
For you to let go of me

I'm sorry you never cared
I was a joke, some bet
You never really cared about me

I'm sorry I'm me
A mess a mistake
One huge ******
That you wish would go away

Sorry I didn't die at birth
Like I was supposed to
That woulda caused less problems

I'm sorry I'm here
Maybe I should do what's right
Go away and disappear

Dear muse
I think I
Imagined
Something better of
What we were

Thought that maybe...
You could be
More than an
Anomaly
Hidden outside a screen

I haven't quite
Figured out
Why...
Can't I get over you

I know this
Isn't hurting you
Which *****
Life force outta me

Dear muse
You should know
This-
It's all on you

Dear muse
Another day
Without you
Leaving me alone
Despite the fact
Youre already gone

I dont get it
Why it was
So easy for you to
Leave
Forget about us

We were perfect
Now everything feels wrong

Dear muse
Help me
Understand
Where it
All went wrong

Dear muse

Dozen times Ive tried
Writing the pain away
Memory doesnt so
Easily fade

The thing is
I dont want to
Feel any of this
Not sad or angry or hurt

I dont know
How to make this
All better

Turn me back into a person
Not a shell
Struggling to
Define the worth of life

Dear muse
If I die now
I hope you feel
Enough to know
What we had was
Real to me

Dear muse
How unlucky
I still dont
Know what to
Do without you

Its unfortunate
Really that
Everyone else will
Get compared to
What we had

Even worse
Its very possible
It was nothing
That part of you was
Fiction-
Just the part that loved me

Im not sure
Where it all went wrong
How we wasted
Emotion fawning over each other
When most of it was
Likely a lie

Dear muse
So much of me
Wants you dead
But who would I be
Had I never met thee

Dear muse
I thought you
Were different
That you may
Keep your promises
Or actually stay

Who am I kidding?
You left like it
Was your job and I
Acted like that was okay

I feel so cliche
Missing you when
Lets face it
Whatever love you told me
Was a lie and

It makes no sense
Why did you have to lie?
Things coulda been different
At least I tried

Dear muse
I should have
Known better than to
Think you'd stay
Like an invitation to
Walk away

Dear muse
Why wont you leave my
Mind like you left
Me alone in the dark

Its getting
Harder to keep
My thoughts im order
Without drifting back to you

I have so much to say
More to lose and i
Cant stop
Writing to you

You are everywhere
Except where
I need you to be

Dear muse
I hate needing you
Missing you and that
You left
Please
Find your way back

Dear muse
Part of me
Wants to thank you
For giving me
Inspiration to
Write again

Maybe you didnt
Know Ive been having
Trouble with words and
Insecurities but ****

Hell you
Created for me
Lead to this
Burst of energy

Creativity was
Oozing from my mind
Bursting out inside
Last remaining
Shards of my heart

These words
Falling onto the page
I dedicate them all to you
This is what you deserve

Dear muse
I hope you
See this someday
Know how bad
Your "love" scarred me

Dear mue
I cant trust myself
Or anyone else
Really its
All because of
You

Your dedication to
This lie was great but
Once the
Fabrication slipped
It was just chaos

We burned bright
Together
Or maybe this was
All in ny own mind

Were you just
Using me
Putting on a show
Til you
Found someone better
Like im just the
Punchline to some
Sick twisted joke

Dear muse
I trusted you to
Protect my heart
Now you're another
Scar chinking my armor

Dear muse
You are the
Worst of everyone
Who hurt me
Which is saying a lot

You knew all the
Insanity people put
Me through
Knew the way to
Get under my skin

You lied when you
Could have been honest
Did six years of friendship mean
Nothing to you?
Was any of this real?

Dear muse
Ive already lost
My will to fight this
Already forgiven you
All I wish is you
Would love me too

Dear muse
I dont want to
Feel this anymore
All the pain and heartbreak
Caused by your selfishness

I am tired
Blaming myself ***** and
I need something to change

I lnow this isnt
All my fault
All in my head

Its real and flying to
These pages
No longer blank canvases

Dear muse
Just talk to me
One more time
Give me the answers I
Seek to make me whole
Close the door and
Start a fresh chapter

Dear muse
I thought I was
Closer to
Being over you
Man do I wish
That was true

This morning i cried
Again over you
Feeling so much hurt
Yet all it felt was empty

You were
Everything to me
Still are and I am
Unsure of
What went wrong

Dear muse
I miss you
I love you
Why
Why dont you
Feel it too?

Dear muse
I didnt really
Believe
In love before you
Proved me wrong

We were right together
Just us separate
From the world around us
Me and you
We had forever

Its not all
Hateful animosity
Its more like
Confusion and
Regrets
Eating away at me

What changed?
Did it mean
Anything to you?
Was this all
In my head?

Dear muse
I just want
Answers to
Move on and be
Happy
Stop blaming myself
For your actions

Dear muse
I hate the way
It feels
Like nothing
We had was real

We definitely had
Something special
Between us two

Even if it was
Just friends I
Never had anyone
Like you in life

I thought we would
Last forever
Have a love that
Refused to die out

I wanted us
To be together
To have a life
To feel love
Us two together

Dear muse
I hate writing about us
In past tense
Hate what we had
Is over now
I hope someday
We find our way back

Dear muse
How could you
Act like you
Never knew me
Act like we never
Had anything

You can't just block me
Pretend I don't exist or have feelings
Pretend that it all
Meant less than nothing

It hurts
So ******* much
That it could
Get me in trouble

Dear muse
You treated me
So very wrong
Im scared
Someones treating me right

Dear muse
Is this the end?
Will my mind finally
Withdraw from the
Memories clinging

These memories need to be
Burnt with the rest of my heart
Crumble and disappear
A wisp of smoke

I still don't know
Whats real
Too many unanswered
Questions words
Wanting to be spoken

Dear muse
I am
Tired of this
You refuse to say
You were wrong
Admit you caused
This pain

Dear muse
Too often you
Have ruled my mind
A sacred expanse
Overtaken by you
And that used to
Make me feel good

If anybody was
Going to
Invade my universe
Rule the kingdom
Control my soul
Im glad it was you

I wish it still was
You
Who made me feel
Like I was someone

Without you it
Barely feels like existing at all
Im here but
Life
Thats moving around me

Dear muse
I miss you and
Ill be here
If you're ever ready

Dear muse
I cant stop it
Stop myself from loving you
Youre on my heart and in my mind

My heart
Still aches for you
Bleeds for you and my
Mind has attached itself to
Your memory

In the worst ways
Im suffocating and
Killing myself waiting

Dear muse
I dont know what to think
I needed you to be there
So you decide its
Best to disappear

Dear muse
Do you remember
When we first met?
How I was drawn
By your writing
Before I really
Knew who you were

Our writing
Bonded us together
Sparked the ignition
Of a flame
Thought to burn forever

We were two kids
Made for this love
But not this life

Always hanging by a
Strand of light
Can't blame myself
Forever
For you leaving me blind

Dear muse
This ink
Bleeds for you

Dear muse
Are you proud of
How much you hurt me?
I've never wrote to anyone
As much as I have
About you

Is it good? or bad?
That you left me so broken

I'm still waiting
For it to get better
One week later and
Still...
Beating myself up over you

Dear muse
Will this pain ever go away?

Dear muse

I've had too much
Of you
Banging around in my head
Rampaging on my heart

Now that I want you gone
You're front row
When I needed you
You took a bow

Am I totally
Losing my
Grip on humanity
Drowned out of reality
Lost without sanity

Not sure why now
You're finally gone
I can't breathe

Dear muse
I'm so weak
Let me free of your
Clutches the
Way you got over me

Dear muse
I am exhausted
Mentally just checked out

Everything keeps
Coming back
To you to us

I have no idea
When you became so
Real to me

Dear muse
Can we go back
To friends
I am dying
Without you near

Dear muse
I am done
Beating myself up
Over your decisions

You could have
Done better
Made time for us
Kept a friendship
You could have stayed
Should have stayed

This has
Taken up
Too much of my life
Swallowed me whole

It's been over
Longer than I've
Been willing to admit
It's not like I
Moved on in a week

Even if I had moved
So fast from you
It's not as bad as
Leaving when we
Were us
When he loved
Each other to the end

All the lies
Have eaten me up
For such a long time
Distance ****** but we
Could have figured it out

I don't need to
Scar my skin
Starve my body
Lose my mind for
Someone who
Played me and
Wouldn't actually
Care
If I was gone

Dear muse
I have moved on
Found parts of myself
Thought long gone
Discovered my
Passion for writing

Dear muse
Yes there's someone new
But don't think
I've totally
Forgiven and forgotten you

Dear muse
I know I said
This was over but
There are still things
Left unsaid
Things you need to know

I can't just leave
Everything we had behind us
It meant
So much to me

We were friends for
Six years and I
Thought that meant something
Maybe our friendship
Could come first

You threw
Everything away and
Wonder why I'm hurt

I loved you so much
Somehow still do
I would give everything to
Be with you

You know so
Much about me
The things I told you are all real

I want you back
In my life
We had something good

Dear muse
I deserve answers
The least you could do
Is tell me the truth so I can
Finally let go
Of what we
Used to be

Painful childhood
Lead to a sad,
Broken little girl
Who never knew what to say

Those words
Sharper than the
Blade of a knife
Killed her inside

****, *****, fat ugly
All turned her into
One ****** up
Broken little girl

All those words that broke
Some younger version of
That lonely little girl
Are the words that
Made her strong enough
To speak out today

So especially ****** up he
Probably doesn't
Even care that I need him
Countless memories of hurt
In my head
All make me feel
Like I'm so **** special

Dear special nobody
On this Valentine's Day
I'm wishing for you

You're not here
But my heart
Still purrs for you

All I want
Is you, is us
An imperfect two

I'll love you
Every second of
Every day

I'll hold on hope
That you'll feel the same
Maybe love me too

Hopefully soon
You'll be my
Special somebody

Until then
I'll write for you
As long as I have to

Your life
Fits in a large box
Packed full of
Happy memories

When you left
My heart was shattered
Into millions of
Little pieces
The pain of losing you
Cuts into my heart
Deeper than a knife

Now that you’re gone
There is a hole
Bigger than that box
Left in my heart

When you were here
I couldn’t remember a
Time without you
Spencer you,
Were my whole life
Since the age of 3

We grew up together
You and me
You were my best friend
I treated you like a human
Told you everything
I’d even like to think
You understood me
In your puppy like ways
Sometimes I’d even believed
You even talked back to me


You really were the
Only one that ever
Really knew me


I’d like to believe
Nothing has changed
Up there in heaven
You’re still
Listening to every word I say
Looking down on me
Making sure I’m okay
Even in a space so far away
I can still feel how much you love me
You’re still the one who
Keeps my sanity in check

Spencer you are the best thing that’s
Ever happened to me
I love you
I always will
You’ve been such a
Big part of my life
There through my childhood

I’m trucking on without you
Here on this earth
Just remember:
I haven’t forgotten you yet

As this cursed night draws to a close
A fierce battle rages on
Lightning flashes in the sky
Brightening the atmosphere
One little spark at a time

Thunder rumbles answering
Fair lady lightning's battle cry
Screaming:
Ready or not, This is War

Peace is on the horizon
Just a few hours more
Eventually the war will end
Once again rain will become our friend

You branded me weak ugly,, a ****, a worthless idiot before you knew me
I had to prove myself to you every day like
I dressed in nice clothes and wore makeup so you'd think I was halfway pretty
How that would backfire
That me trying to impress you
Turned into me looking like a ****
Oh you got a good grade on a quiz maybe you're not as dumb as I thought
You may have thought I was weak
With you I probably was I mean I stayed
Do you know how much strength it took me to leave?

A bunch of anxiety
Curled up in the body
Making you nervous
Freaking you out

Stress is a
Major part of
Our daily lives
Killing us
On the inside

dying of heat
Wish I was dead
Wish the weather
Was all in my head

**** this ****
I want to move
live in the northpole
im all sweaty ew
**** this its time to take a cold shower

six feet
Under
Isn't all it's
Cracked up to be
Death won't
Ever call to me

So many people
Up there floating
In the sky
Crying out fr help

I believe
Death is the only
End to this pain

So ****** up
Utterly
Insecure
Could someone
Interrupt my hell
Drown out the
Evil consuming me

Stella was
Unwanted and unloved
I knew her well
Couldn't help her
I tried my best to save her
Don't let her go
Everyone's hate was the death of her

Dear...
This empty space
Who cares about me

This is finally it
The end that I've waited for
I've been so far gone
For way too long

Everyone around me
Much better off
Without me in their lives
Will be happy to see me gone

Sorry that you had to
Find my body this way
Torn and broken
Waiting to decay

When I'm gone
Don't miss me
I'm always here
A sliver of
Broken memory

Take these memories
You already have the
Rest of me

Take my heart
It's beating
Just for you

Take my soul
My whole
My everything

Take me in and hold me tight,
Let me stay with you through this endless night,
Don’t wanna leave; go away
Wanna sprout wings and fly away, just so long as you’re here to stay
Just wanna be around to here you say it’s gonna be alright it’s gonna be okay
Please I’ll do anything just let me stay
Hold me in your arms I promise you that I’ll never run away
Take me in and hold me tight,
Let me stay with you through this endless night,
Don’t wanna leave; go away
Wanna sprout wings and fly away, just so long as you’re here to stay
Trust in me and I’ll trust you,
I’ll do whatever you want me to
Never stray I know we’ll be okay

Insecure in her skin a
Human breathing puppet
Why don't you open the door
Welcome her inside
Let her know there's
Somewhere she belongs

That girl is lonely
Wears her heart on her sleeve
She wants to be found
Wants to belong to somebody

That girl has no one
Nowhere she belongs
This is a shout out to the world
For someone to find her

That girl is hidden
Behind books and poetry
That girl is dying inside
That girl is me

I'm broken and
I'm bleeding
I'm not the person
You wanted me to be
But you can have
All these shattered
Pieces of me

Sometimes I wanna die
**** myself
Be done with this life
Say goodbye to the world
Get away from stupid reality

On the edge ofa cliff
Grasping onto my last
Shred of sanity
Deciding whether to jump

Not sure what is right
Should I stay or
Is it really better for
Everyone if I just let go

I want to take the plunge
But I'm not ready  to
Push myself over the edge

Once we had something
Something special
Then we ended up
Falling apart
Trying to find our way back together

After all this time
We've ended up here
Back at the beginning


Here we are
Back in love
Back to us
Yet nothing's changed
We're still the same people

Back to broken
In such a short time
Here we are
Hurt again
This is it
We've reached the end