The bindings.
The encasements.
Tendons twisting
The tight slipknots
As we squirm
And entrap us all
In miniscule minds
Minuscule thoughts
Until the sickle
sets us free.

Where's the steamer headed, love,
To a land I do not know?
Will the faces of my loved ones be there,
I'm not sure that I should go.

You see this man in Sussex,
Is a good man so I'm told,
And I believe he'll take care of me,
When I grow gray and old.

And true I do not feel the same,
About him as I do you,
If I step into that harbor, love,
I'll lose the life I knew.

Do you think that what we feel,
Might fade ...as passion can, you know.
Or will our love last a lifetime,
Can you guarantee me it will grow?

You see, I'm not the type of girl,
Who gives into affairs of the heart.
I can not board your steamer, love,
To Sussex...I'll carry your heart.

I know once you have heard this,
Your love will seem a lie.
And it hurts me very deeply, love,
But I must say goodbye.

When the sea-raged ship came into view,
And the crowded harbour's whistle blew,
The sky took on a relieved hue,
As did my face when I saw you.

And there I stood, with eyes frozen so still,
And by just staring, they beckoned my will,
Closer you came, Oh! the thrill!
Inch by inch, my heart did fill!

And I gave just but a begging whispered plea,
For safety to attend from the shore out to thee.
And so ended a wonderful voyage at sea,
My love, once again, had returned to me.

When the sea-raged ship came into view,
And the crowded harbour's whistle blew,
The sky took on a relieved hue,
As did my face when I saw you.

Your search has begun glorious, it's told in gossips' ear.
To seek out the soul of another, your vision crisp and clear.
There are just a few warnings I think that you will need.
But they are not for the weak of heart, so listen and take heed.

The soul of any being lies very deep within,
Obstacles obscure it, dark secrets, hidden sin.
The path is steep and narrow, and immeasurably long.
And has weakened many spirits,who once were very strong.

It could take a lifetime, or maybe just a day.
Most say it's not worth it, wearisome, either way.
Of those who have attempted, few returned the same.
With pallor gone, vacant eyes, faith all dead, they came.

Yet still you wish to venture, set out upon this quest.
Remember, Caution as you go, I wish you all the best.
But know that after laborious journey, if you so yet attain.
The soul will hold no semblance of what you hoped to gain.

I stare through the shadows,
With eyes acutely keen.
Eyes that have adapted to,
Light, dark, and in between.

For I have fought the shadows,
And I did win the fight,
I exposed the greyness,
Of all the black and white.

Crouched there in the shadows,
There waits a hidden foe,
Mistakenly believing that,
His colors will not show.

I live within the shadows,
Accustomed to their feel,
And effortlessly I ascertain,
What is false or what is real.

Come forth from the shadows,
Challenge if you must.
But be warned, you naive soul,
You will be turned to dust.

Appropriate hello and thank you
With the offer of a shower
Not known for weeks.
Shakes so fine you could call them
Vibrations.
Brittle bone ******* on white skin
Near death he was.
Hungry, dope sick, and dying
Right in front of me.
And I watched that locked bathroom door
As one waits for another's last breath
Quiet, still, patient.
Until the water turned off
And then I retreated a bit
As if to offer some tiny bit of dignity
Shoving half a leftover cake into ziplocs
For his exit.
Reminding myself I'm such a hypocrite
To think I've got it all together
That he is somehow less than me.
Truth is we are all a ******* mess
All with our own unique addictions
Fighting over and over again
With personal demons
That we made ourselves and
Losing every time.

I have filled the empty pages,
In the chapters of "My Life,"
With so much needless worry,
And so much needless strife.
Not trusting the true author,
My maker and my friend,
To whisper all the words to me,
From beginning to "The End."

Instead I chose every syllable,
All the characters, and the plot.
Til my pen went dry and I heard,
"There's something you forgot!"
"You failed to mention I was there,
Every second, yet you didn't know,
And this story "you've" been writing?
I actually wrote it long ago."

I thought that life would be less trying,
If I put an end to lying,
For then there'd be no need for proof,
But it's much harder and that's the truth!

Throw me a bone, a little one
It's not a big one that I need.
Don't plant me a whole garden
Just plant me one little seed.

Then me and my mind will make the rest
Become just what I want it to be
I will push it and shove and twist it around
Til it resembles what I want to see.

It just comes down to rot really.
Dangling on a ledge of a mountain it took your whole life to climb.
For what ?
To let go?
"Hell no!" they say....that's not allowed.
"That's too ******* easy," they preach.
Placing a coward label on every tired soul
who deserves the liberty to say
"Enough is enough!"
Somehow we don't get the right to die anymore.
Gotta leave something behind to carry on, right?
Work our entire god forsaken lives for the good of others....struggle through....make it through...see it through,... right ?
Thats noble.
Praise the noble souls who led easy lives
But **** on the pained, beaten ones who finally say," I'm done."
"I've done enough, I've had enough, I'm exhausted."
Yeah ...blaspheme the jumper they will.
Been screaming half my life for someone to hear, "Im dying here people!"
Ignorant ***** won't hear me on the way down either.

Who knows when my fear transformed from a conscience choice,
Into an powerful, ******, instinct that can speak without a voice.

Overnight a war was waged and fear did sensibility accost.
And surely by the break of day, reason had certainly lost.

And rearing its' undeniable force against my weakened mind,
All faith, and hope, and ability to trust, were also lost in kind.

And there can be no futile appeal, no second charge will ever be,
Strong enough to stand fear down, to reclaim control over me.

And though I may have lost it all, at no point did I ever retreat,
I fought the fear with all I had, and graciously admitted defeat.

And as cowardly as it may sound, it is easier now that it's done,
To embrace what I raged against, and just accept that it has won.

Oh, what a tangled life you lead.
Unravel, keep simple and plain.
For if you don't,  folly will follow,
And ensnare you once again.

They ran out of love today
Just not enough for me.
The line dispersed, I headed home
As lonely as could be

I had some once,  long ago
I threw it all away
Right now I sure could use a bit
But they ran out today

Words are meaningless
Love is beautiful before it breaks you.
Tears change nothing.
Real is rare and unacceptable.
Hope dies swiftly
Sharing yourself leaves you empty
Exposing your soul is suicide.
And I am no one special.

Why do we hold so tightly,
To a dying heart?
And to the living oft ignore;
Stay so far apart?
Little time has been granted,
I will waste it not.
Tomorrow is but uncertain,
Past is now forgot.
And I just will not censor,
I will just be free.
And do whatever I so desire;
Because today belongs to me.

This world will surely continue on,
One day without me in it.
For it's been said of GOD himself,
Our lives are but a minute.
But we all leave an impression,
That lasts longer than today,
Whether in a grandiose manner,
Or in a very simple way.
Let my memory be a reminder that,
We're only here for a short while.
And I pray the legacy of "me,"
Be one that starts a smile.

A mere millisecond
Is all that lies between
Good and bad, life and death
What is and what has been.

I will remember our time
I won't ever diminish it
I won't ever regret it
I have it all tucked away
The courage after loss
The acceptance of me
The pride you sometimes let go of
The way you felt the music
The way you liked to hug
The Holy Mackerels
The fake coy looks
The few sober conversations
The hundred wasted ones
The family that was genuine
The cat I could actually touch
The handicapped chinchilla
The swimming pool dance
The overcooked food
The way too much firewood
The unsettled sleeping
The two foot high pillow
The GPS mishap
The drunken admittance
The compassion when I cried
The sincere repeated apology
The weird mornings
The honesty that showed up
The understood grief
The pretended jealousy
The confusion of it all
The temporary forgetfulness
The "let me pass" kisses
The less lonely hours
The feeling not so broken
The "all in" for one day
The ******* ashtray
The tequila shots
The creamer you didn't toss
The muddled mess you were
The sharing all about her
The food you said you ate
The not being able to love again
The wanting to try anyway
The way we never quite enough
The first and last time
The vulnerabilty of that last email
The inevitable loss of trust
The just being real.
The human conditions are beautiful
Just like you my friend.
Always follow your heart
And you will be just fine.

Happy Birthday.

Please allow me time
Time to untangle myself
From all the trappings
You set for me
The hidden ones
And the ones I gladly walked into
Just to love you.
Time to detach every fiber
Of myself from yours
So I can feel whole as one again
Time to regain the strength
So I can move
Time for my heart to steady
And my wounds to close
And my head to stop reeling
Time to be myself again
And to be content with that.

And lips that have been silent long,
  Forevermore will silent be;
No words could e'er right a wrong,
  Such as the one 'twas done to me.
And it is my hurt,  alone,  to heal;
  Remorse; regret;  afflict him none;
And yet, his heart, I still can feel,
  Though it's long been said and done.

Now the scales are shifted
I am weighted; you are light
A simple inverted victory
You won without a fight
Because I loved you first
Pride in silence be,
I (for you) would look away
Please do the same for me.
I am sinking faster now
While buoyantly you rise.
Elated, full, and sated
By misporpurted eyes.
Whether I loved first or last
Oh to love at all!
But to be the one who loved alone
'Tis what makes the balance fall.

I have a thousand little voices going on in my head at any given time and I filter them how I choose I guess.
There are a few very persistent ones, however, that it looks like I will either have to start listening to, or beat the **** out of , but I haven't decided which yet.
Yes, yes, everything seems to be going status quo, but I am still standing exactly where I was ages ago. Lost in the middle of nowhere, with no seeming destination of any kind.
I keep waiting for everything to fall into place , waiting on certainty, but it never comes.
I keep pushing for it though, and it feels like it hates my pushing because once I start to fix my way on something, I get pushed back.
Little pinches really, voices that say, "Stop kidding yourself!"
I don't feel connected to anything ....not one single thing anymore.
It's just me out here paddling a ******* canoe in a circle.
I think once I get used to it..I can be ok with that..maybe.
All I know is nothing fits...not anymore...I have 2 left shoes in different colors and sizes and no feet to put them on anyhow.  Who really cares, anyway?    Ok ...off to church now!

Well, for only the second time since I bought this thing, (my laptop), I have moved it from its' fan pad to join me in my favorite spot.

And I am currently wondering whether the cigarette ashes that may fall into it while I type could light the **** thing on fire, for which i would just have to laugh since I have no back up CD made yet, and for what it's worth, my life's work is on this harddrive. I need to quit smoking. The **** commercials you hear on the radion have me deemed a murderer, so now I don't listen to the radio either. I am strictly a CD girl now. One of these days I may catch up a bit and get an IPOD, but I am beginning to think the devil uses all this technology to make real relationships a thing of the past.

I also am missing my mouse out here. I am pretty sure if this use this little fingertip pad long enough, I could teach Braille to a 1 year old.

This is the first time in weeks I have actually used my swing for any duration, and you know what, I miss it. It is kind of hard to type on it though as it sits next to me and rocks a bit with every letter I type.

I've decided, for now, to stop my foolish searching for the meaning of everything, and the end all to everything. For now, I'm just gonna live..day to day..hour by hour...second into the next.

Up until about a year ago, I didn't even know how much I liked to swing, or how much I love to fly kites, or look at Dogwoods, or read philosophy, or even write poetry. I took a detour, a very long one, into a mind sedentary world with no hope, no dreams, no happiness.

And unfortunately, the only way out is the way I came in, which will take me as long to get beck to where as I started, as it took me to get here.

I love to feel the strong breeze that's blowing today. I felt it earlier while taking a walk, and going to the park, but then it was blowing while the sun beat straight down. Now I am in the shade and leaves are blowing onto the deck, and I swear if I had that hammock I keep promising myself to buy, I would be falling asleep on it right now. The kids are gone, daughter at a friends house, and son at grandmas next door. I put the puppies on their leads, and it is only me here right now. It's been forever since that happened too.

I need to get back to me...and I need to stop putting so many demands on myself. If I feel like going to the beach...I should just get in the car and go. I deserve that.. I deserve to smile and laugh and drink my coffee and talk to strangers like I know them  while they look at me like I'm crazy. I deserve friendship. I deserve and desire the love of friends.

Companionship, shared intellect and joys. Freedom. You know I could sit for hours and hours, maybe even days..if I had the liberty and just enjoy nature, and not really think of anything at all. Sometimes it feels like people and responsibilities get in the way of what I was truly meant to be and the things I truly want to do. I wish there was a place where I could just be, you know be...BE.

And one day I want to see my soul in someone elses eyes and just know without question that I'm not so different. That I'm connected somehow, with someone or something, and that I'm not really crazy. That I'm me and I am exactly what I was meant to be and I'm beautiful because I am me. I don't want to adapt to anything or want anyone to adapt to me. I just want to find the place where I fit perfectly.

But the never ending searching for this place has proved unsuccessful. So I believe the answer is to wait for clarity. And it will come. It will come, I know it will. As for now, I'm going to enjoy my coffee in the breeze...on my swing, and just close my eyes and breathe in the wind.

I do not need a thing right now.
I know that when I usually call,
It's after I made some huge mistake,
Or suffered some sort of fall.
But tonight I'm in need of nothing,
Nothing, my friend, it's true.
Your company is my greatest joy,
And my heart misses you.
But the line appears so busy,
And yes I understand,
And I hope your life is going,
Exactly as you planned.
I just want you to know that,
Every second of every day,
You are the biggest part of me,
I just felt the need to say.
But not so that you'll think of me,
So you'll know how special you are,
And that if you ever need me friend,
I will never be very far.

She said," You live just a bit too far,
Too far from where the people are
To see the industry of the day
Or to hear the children as they play."
I replied," I live just far enough away
To see all that heaven will display
And hear God's voice when I pray,
A shame you don't live too far as well,
For this is where the angels dwell."

Partial or impartial; the blessings of God?
For if known love; known still the rod.
Gods favors to all each evenly so?,
Or blanketed for the whole world to know?
All; vice and virtue, foe and friend,
Fortune and fall; All must contend.
Wake to a most wondrous sight;
Still the tears will come at night.
Hands have touched that loved me so;
Likewise hands I did not know.
The fulcrum; sane to quite insane
Swings from loss to swing toward gain.
The middle stillness? A heart content at rest?
When the swinging stops;  is that when we are blessed?
Pushed or pulled by a higher guide?
Or is it all chance that's left to decide?
Moved alone by the will inside?
Or purely by the force of nature's pride?
We long for shrieks of ecstasy, for pleasure that won't last.
Just to shiver in the shadows that tragedy will cast.
All the questions with no answers got,
To think upon or think upon not.