Heavy hearted
Lift me from the depths
Of my mind
Of the darkness
Thanking you
For
Pulling me up.

Heavy body
Flopping and
Trying to make my way
Up the stream
Against the current
Thanking you
For pushing me forward
Despite.
Despite.

Heavy eyes
Darkened
Barely see
Fighting against
The deafening sunlight
The cheering voices
Too bright for my light irises
Thanking you
For seeing me.

Heavy voice
Leaden with doubt
And worry
Struggling to speak out
Speak up
Be free
Thanking you
For calling and
Fighting.

Heavy smile
Can’t hold itself up
And falls
Underneath the pressure
To be perfect
Turns to a frown
Thanking you
For turning it upside down.

Chicken
is
a
fun
game.
*don't stop

wake
drink
rinse
repeat

now let me expand on the
ideas i have presented
above

wake- from the probably
nightmarish scenario
where you are being
chased by a blood thirsty
****** who has been stalking you
stalking YOU for perhaps several months

and now attempt to walk up those stairs up up
up into reality again
you've made it another night
my dear
you've made it back
… congratula…tions….

drink- look upon the
cupboard filled with delicious
treats that will take you out of
your own mind and into a realm of
calm and stupor and happiness that
fades as
quickly as
it
came

so don't look at that cupboard
anymore because it's not
for you my dear
at least not for the mornings
my dear
sweetie look in the fridge
open that door
and find some things grown
from this earth
they will do. they won't do. but they will.
juice
juice
vrrrrrr

rinse- stare in the mirror
and pinch all the parts
you want to evaporate the
way those beautiful vegetables
get crushed in the machine
in the mornings
doesn't that relieve all ills?
it does it does crushed smashed <_+][
';'l'l;l;'''''''\~~~

now stop looking into that soul
crushing little thing
sweet little thing
and focus on washing the blank expression
off your pale face

and now repeat- repeat-re pe atttt
r e p e a t
until you start to feel well

or maybe just go sneak something from that
delicious cupboard

it goes:::
i am waiting for you
at the window
i am waiting for you
at the hilt
i am waiting for you
at the threshold and my room is swimming.

heavy home
disillusioned abode
home is heavy
and yet it has a sense of comfort
for these misplaced affections.
pillars white as the shame they
hide. stars bright as the days I've
tried.

i despise these symmetrical lines
they are not art
they are NOT ART
i want them off take them off why are they still
here
i want them gone////
this symmetry is unappealing
you are being the sluttiest *****, my dear.
everyone knows why you pull down your skirts.

nothing stays hidden for long.
/////

take me from schoolgirl
to lost soul to
sad little sack
in
30 seconds or
less.
don't slow down.
take me everywhere.

you want to feel thunder? well I have your
light show right here baby.
I have it right here. reach into my mouth
and grab what you please.
i will talk if you ask. i will tell you what
i can bring myself to say.
(i am still afraid of words)

remember that time when it got to be
too much for me
so you held me in your arms
on your bed
and told me stories that made
everything fade but made my heart pound
and my eyes burn and and and
it all exhausted my body
and it was like you had no regard
for
yourself
as long as i felt better
because i cried so hard and i was so grateful
for that release.

~I'm always here to make you cry~

The most romantic words I've ever heard.

I want to make you moan, make you scream, make your eyes roll back into your head,
I want to see you grasp for air, tense up, and clutch the bed.
I want to feel your heart beating against my chest,
And I want to be the only one.

I want to hear you swear, feel you sweat trickle down your stomach, see you twist.
I want to be the one to meet all your requests.
I want you to wake up in the middle of the night and crave my touch
And I want to be the only one.

I hear them talk, them judge, them pretending like they know us,
I see them point, them try and figure out what's between us,
But they'll never know the way we are, the way we ****, the way we love,
Because we are us, and we are the only ones.

I want to wake up with marks on my back from your nails, with bites on my neck from your teeth, and always with you lying beside me.
I want you to fall asleep in my arms, dream of me in your dreams, and feel my warmth on your skin.
And through all that, I want to be the only one.

upside down mess
what can you ask from me
i am just pale skin and weak bones
sinewy tissues covering soft muscle
treat me like a child
protect this castle
no princess protects herself
guard!
help. help. help me>!!?

catch me like a burning ember.
let me burn you black.

Water slipping through weak fingers
running past the digits
so fleeting
so quick
one minute,
everything,
all you've ever wanted--
gone.

Pitied for the loneliness,
yet humbled for being alone--
understanding the opposition
and embracing it's relevance.

Defeated yet thrilled
miserable yet marveling at the misery
indulgent in the depression
milking the sorrow
enjoying the open wounds
slowly learning to accept defeat.

i could smear luscious roses on his *****
drool a raw achey mess as he watches
(worship his sordid *****
licking my face so sweet
a frantic hell of goddesses
and)- He
Enormous Storm
revealing
spray me sucker !!!!/!

Lets analyze
When did the symptoms start?

When did it start
Inflammation of the heart
Swelling of the lungs
Dryness of the throat
Sweating of the palms
Shortness
of
breath

How did the caring
commence?

Gradually
The way the waves slowly
Dull shards of glass into
Sand?
Or all of a sudden
The way that wave can drown
A man?

When did the symptoms begin?

you are all i want to write about
you are all i seem to be able to write about
that is simple
you are simple
(yet so complex? we are so
complex?)?
yet everything is simplified
with you
with us
i can ramble
will you stop
me can you stop me
stop me before i keep talking
talking with my big small mouth
i won't shut up baby
stop me before it's too late
you are all i want to write about
you are all i want to write about
baby baby i can't stop can't you
see i'm on a role here baby you are all i want
you are all i want to to to write about about about
a
b
out.
i like simple
simple is nice for a change
i have dealt with mazes and
puzzles too big for my brain
too long for my patience
all of which led to dead ends
but you are no large
scary
puzzle
you are complex
yet simple
you are epic
and beautiful
and i want to get to know the insides of your mind
and i want to get to know you
more
more
more
ramble
more
you are all
that i seem
you are all that i seem
to think about

she can be remembered. this is an importance. there is an importance for more. for finding. for finding out more. take that thread that is poking out from her dress. pull on it and see her unfold. see the fabric slowly make its way down her body. watch as you unravel her and watch as she begins to cry. tears. free flowing salty water that you have given birth to within her. she is thankful. she is scared. plants. it is you that have planted the seed of hope inside the withering garden of her body. of her soul. it is you that have started to scrape away the rot that had been growing for quite some time. black rot. rot growing over her fleshy parts. her beautiful flowers. preventing them from knowing light. she stands there naked. bare. void of all feeling. filled with emotion to the brim. this is the paradox of their relationship. at once everything that is taken away can be replaced she feels this can be replaced. goosebumps begin to cover her pale thighs. her body is fighting against her she so desperately wants to take up less space yet the lust in her makes her skin grow. she aches. her pulse quickens at a relative pace to the closeness of you. lover. her lover. one step closer heartbeat. two steps closer she is biting her lip attempting to slow down the pace at which this *** is unfolding. this is ***. we are the lost echoes in a tunnel. bouncing sound off of each other we are balanced. one bite leads to the next and you are kneeling at the goosebumps. lapping up their cold and pushing them back inside. this is ***.

slam slap
finger clicking
- anxious -
soul bird
tap tap tap
red fingerprints
bass drum thud thud
is someone there??
banging on my heart
rope redemption
tie me up let me be
cold hearted
with a loss of direction
come ask me questions
i'll pretend to know what to say

jesus ******* christ
you are not in control
you are not in control of me
YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT>>???

YOU ARE NOT >>> NO

oh master please set me free

You know that feeling
when you see something that truly speaks to you
and your heart bursts with adrenaline?

*You.

love you for all that you are
5 rooms
2 bodies blooming in space
cupcake filth on your kitchen counter
on my ***** bone

i walked my way across and away from you
and you charted each of my paths
love mark seeker i feel your honey gaze watching me
and in my eyes are pools of your deodorant and your cologne

remember when you thought we could run away from each other?
remember when i thought the same?

i ran into your arms for comfort from the cold
spruce trees surrounding us
unsurrounded
i dove into your arms
you are my only memory
a breeze that rides slow and heavy
i whispered
i love you like skin under heavy sheets
i love you like getting soaked in the rain
we got so wet
crashes of lighting laughter i can’t tell the difference because my world still shakes either way

when you call me at 3 in the morning
your tears dribble onto my pillow
is it cold over there?
yes
the sun here is burning my skin
i feel so far
but my pillow is still wet

remember when
i rolled glitter onto your thighs and we woke up in a galaxy
i wonder how much i swallowed that night

i remember distinctly how we fell in love
it was my eyes closed and climbing to the stars
you pulled me when i tripped i picked you up and twirled you
i picked you
i pick you

we are incoherent
i still don’t understand
but my blue lips drowned in your pillow calls
finally touched your red
fast ones
hot in the summer just that little moment that tiny moment my HEART my HEART my HEART BOOM BOOM BOOM in my ears MY HEART BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM
i put your hand to my chest your smile mimicked my heart
so we sat there for three hours timing ourselves with one another
i whispered i love you
you put me in your mouth

zoned out
distant in the curve of a cloud
an outlying perspective
detached and hanging in a moment of flat affect
an idea blooms and bubbles in my mouth

you haven’t asked me enough questions
you haven’t asked me enough questions how will you know .

brash
and insensitive i’m sorry all is unclear—
i wasn’t taught this way . no forks
on which side
dont sass me— i can already feel my diminishing importance if i think far enough into the future
scene:: and there, they took a huge hunk of rose quartz and held it against their heart :: exit character
head in arms all up up to the jugular

unless
it’s a seduction
my puckering lips eagerly await your
hungry brooding wet Mouth
hungry tired monster''
''come rest easy on my lap -head in **** familiar
her *** music sounds like love
mine sounds like *******
tastes like falling in love
he does mmm       he  does

do you still like me- he asks.
soft tones and brittle bones. torn.
eyes roll. my eyes. away or repeating.
bits and pieces. bits and pieces of my heart have been scattered here.
feel them thudding down the hall.
under your sheets.
pressed up against your ears.

a creation of fantasies all splayed out on his floor.
***** me this way and that.
yeah? yeah? take it. take my ****.
directions from- unsweetened 2%

do you still like me.
a calming disposition. arms stretched like an alley cat. ready to run at the first sign of danger.
eager enough to go deeper, but still scarred from previous battles.

with all that i have left- smoothes away scars. until tears start pouring down hot cheeks.

I can sit here. solid and still. soft as volcanoes. magma erupting from within but still as a lion waiting for a moment to strike. the patient immobility. statuesque. I let each word wash over me like an escalating thunderstorm. tender and brutal. each syllable a little more treacherous than the last until there are none left to speak— only the welcoming relief of silence. natural disasters come to mind. the heavy softness of the situation. the doughy snow outside. soft soft. the whoosh of cars operating within their own timelines. back to their lovers. faster. away from their lovers.
goosebumps like tiny mountains. the hardest paths to climb. entrapped by hook eyes. heavy eyes. I dare not lean over in fear of the glue slowly seeping from my cheek landing on your thighs. my lovers playfully name me lap princess. lip nymph. an inexplicable well of thunder. the holiness of steady rumbles. never-ending needy storm clavicles unfurling themselves. unruly at these raw routines. my bones are sewn together with electric wire and your words— wet knives cutting and destroying me.

Ты слышишь что я говорю?
как громко мне придется кричать?
ты спрашиваешь что я хочу, и я не отвечаю.
потому что я знаю, в глубине души, что Ты знаешь уже.

----
translation:

Do you hear what I am saying?
How loudly do I have to shout?
You ask me what I want, and I do not answer.
Because I know, deep down, you know already.

If I don't make it back. If I fail along the way. If I faint. If I cry.
Then I will let myself fail and I will embrace it.
If I can not surpass my expectations. If I fall. If I break.
Then I will rejoice in the hard work I have put in. I will not let it break me.
I break. But I am not broken.
I fall. But I will not be left on the ground.

ruins-----------
i am an abandoned village
the hairs on my arms standing up at the thought of discovery— tiny vacant towns
a fragmented ancient corpse found in the ruins of suburbia
i am a sight for sore eyes
i am a sight for the blind

and our tiny vagrant hearts
and our tiny vagrant hearts
wanderers walking into the moonlight

I listened to every voicemail she sent me
I heard us deteriorate through the months
and it was
too
much.

i am strong like the ocean. i can overpower you with my salty seas. push you to the edge.
drown you deep within my vast waters you'll be lost.
overwhelm you with the sensation of my sultry tides.
~~pulling you in
pushing you away~~
turn you into a red eyed addict.
i'll keep you coming back for your dose.

but i am weak like the tears that stream down my face.
unable to hold their place
inside the curve of my eyes.
cleansing the poison from my hallow bones
failing and  free falling to their premature yet certainly long overdue demise.

i am the water. every changing. all around you. swimming in your darkest fantasies.

within reach, yet never within grasp.

~~~ ~ ~ ~

don't try to ****** me. i am a force of nature.

I poured wax onto my thighs today-

I missed the ways you used to hurt me.

kiss him like lipstick.
bright smears. disappearing inconveniences.
seen and seen again and then gone.
i should hang up now
i’m not ready
i’m not either
then don’t but i have to i have to there is no choice please don’t stop saying i love you i love you

in my sleep, i imagine your touch. and you are not who you are. and i am someone else altogether.

you comfort me in my morning coffee
i feel you in this cold sip,
i take you in,
breathe in your aroma. your fragrant beans ground up just right for my consumption.
ground for my consumption.

i pretend we are unhealthy. i am selfish.
i pretend you were put on this planet just for me. just for me,
i breathe you in.
you are ground up just for me.
i feel you in ice crunched between my teeth.

i inhale sweetly. softly,
you are burning in the embers of what is slowly killing me.
but we are gentler than that.
you move slowly.
ask each passageway to my lungs for permission to take over.
you are a swift, smooth battle.
i am a blood-soaked battlefield.

when you go off to war i feel you humbly.
when you come back,
i welcome you to my long lost territories.
you gratefully plunge into them dropping deadly swords at our feet.
your tired eyes searching tenderly for mine.

it is only i who chronicles these hardships when the war has been long over.
carrying with me the scars, i can not help but rummage through memories of cold, icy storms.
you carried into this vessel your rubble. your cracks, your hollow, your own wars and hurricanes.
and i took on these disasters as if they were my own. birthed from my very limbs.
we are un-’s and we are re-’s. we exist within uncertainties and miscommunications.
we have and we are and we will.

hit me like a bullet. never saw him coming. worshipped the ground you walked on. heavy deeper smears and color. painted walls paint me painted walk in see feel.
hit me like a ******* train.
bolder builder built me with your hands build me something to hold on the train home.

when can i see you again

the moon drips down my back
come come come here to me, sweet little child.

he comes up behind me. kisses my neck.
misses kisses. he misses. misses missed me. the words.
pushes my hair back. licks up my neck. sends chills.
tears rolling down his cheek. wetting my shoulders.
pump pumping his heart beat through me. i feel. i feel it all. dripping moonlight. dripping in it. i feel i feel i feel it all. all around me.
tears everywhere.
holding my hips. he keeps me steady.
sobbing into my neck.
sobbing through the moon. moon child baby.
sweet baby darling. pink baby child. you are the moon and you are me.

he puts me on my knees on the cold floor.
pulls my hair down. puts his hand around my neck. positions my lips open.
pours his poison down my throat.
acidic. sweet. spicy. full bodied. he really is delicious.
runs his finger down my neck.
swallowed him whole.
happy daddy.

spits in my mouth. poisonous eyes. those **** eyes. poison, i tell him.
he smiles. leads me to the window. shows me the sticky sunset.
kisses down my neck again. eyes closed. i feel his heart.
quickens.
window open spine chills.

he pushes me out and lights a cigarette as i bleed out on the sidewalk.
sits on the couch and sips his whiskey.

loves me but it hurts
******* **** ****** sits on my couch//on my feet—
toes gently tucked under his jeaned thigh.s.—
tells me he loves me.

love is not a mistake but mistakes are made up of love.
tiny hearted patchworks attempting *******//
makes a home out of my arms.
tears falling down me him my his face.s.
stretches me open like bubble gum /little princess/brat/toy.
fantasies in our heads. little secrets. sweet taste from his lips.

opens up my mouth. stretches it wide. pushes his fingers through. as if the inside of my gums held the secrets he has been trying to reach in my head. pushes them far back. almost gag. mine mine be mine be mine mine mine be mine. i hear it. he keeps quiet but i hear it. silent pleas.

wild. sweet daddy darling. wild. i am wild. i belong to no one.
**** me/take me/own me for a little while. fulfill those needs. sate yourself and me.
i am no product to be placed on a shelf.

whispers it in my ear in between faces staring.
hearing it makes it more real. analysis. how many fingers was that? how did your tongue do that? can you do it again? can i try?

why.?. do you love me. why.?.

this will be better for you i will not call text contact you
no
why are you crying
no i don’t want this stay
you don’t love me just the idea
no
of me
no stay please i need you you make me happier than i have been in so long
this is *******
i know
this is *******
i know

if I take a bath it is because I need the sweat of you washed off my skin.
if this bath is concentrated with Epsom salts it is because they will physically pull you out of my system
- a detoxification of the memories of the way your head felt between my thighs/your hands creating fingerprint bruises on either side of them.
if I see you and run away it is because you draw out my blood and devastate my heart. there is no poetic way of saying this.
if I can not look you in the eye it is because being so close physically pains me. nostalgia beating down my chest and I have no choice but to selfishly grip onto any available flesh. I always regret it.
if I can not meet with you it is because you are the longest pain my body has suffered and for once my brain is working harder than my heart.

xxxxxxx

i see you in curves of blue

in crooks in shadows in empty streets

you are  behind the refrigerator

you are hiding in my closet

you are creeping underneath my bed

they sit. every muscle in a state of relaxed inertia.
ready. for what. who. when.
when to pounce. or simply watch.
people pleaser. introvert.
if i sit i sit will they come.
long. young. small framed. dressed like an angel in heat.

they sit. balanced on padded paws. watches.
magnetic eyes. cookie eyes. chapped lips.
i wonder if he makes them come.
do you call this a sign?
why is everyone asking me that
savoring last drops of the sunset.
kiss my nose. cheeks sweet like agave nectar. peach fuzz with a trigger warning.
you animal, you.
traveler to farmlands and fields. sunflower sun child.
they say they’re the sun. calls me a moon doll.
and when you cry, do you light up the sky?
do the stars cry with you?
are they just as enamored as i?
spellbound limericks of funnysillysad love.
does the gold spill out your eyelids?
staining already sun kissed skin and velvet cloth.

sits. jumps. relaxed natural ***** fingernails hands caught in curls of my hair. what a wondrous mess.
you animal, you.

I sit here on my bed covered in
flowers
thinking how I'd so much rather be
sleeping
on
yours.

In your flower fields.
In your fragrant mind.
In the pastures of your eyelashes.
In the valleys of the darker circles under
your eyes
your eyes -
that you get when you're tired.

Sleep with me.

it starts with a love potion/a rose tincture.
she says slowly feel it trickle down your throat. melting your heart. [blocks][of][ice]
i am locked in this-
thank you for being my angel of the night.
a resounding hum echoes into your guitar. bounces its way back to us.
we discuss new ways of playing instruments.
we smear raspberries on our bruises to sweeten the pain. to soften its bitter blows.
you carve teeth marks into my shoulder as a distraction.
i cry **** into your pillow instead of crying.
(this dull grief)
you talk about your dead cat. i make sure not to mention how i feel like
dead w e i g h t.
mountain moons painting themselves into storylines across my forehead
you read **** instead of *******.

who are you who am i
adults. we’d like to believe.
young children simple soft a little scarred a little morbid a little worn down

every time she calls me she cries

sweet, tender, lover boy: do not be upset over the mountains other people must climb. you have found your valley.