The bathtub faucet has been running all night
Bubbles on the surface edging closer to the rim
I want to stand there, just watching the water run
Over the lip, onto the cold tiles
and soak into the rug at the foot of the toilet
Pool into the wells of the grout
and slink under the crack in the door
I want to dance and laugh and splash in it
Pull on my rain boots and feel like I’m 5 again
Forget the years I’ve spent using a kitchen rag to absorb an ocean  
Drying the tides as they lap against the shore and back
It was always futile, I’ve retired from trying.

I’ve only ever known dangerous love
Not the love where you feel naked- soft, light comfortable
But love where you feel naked- vulnerable, targeted, caught in headlights
It’s where you’re pulled to place your hand on the hot stove
Step onto the tracks while the train whistle wails
Jump off the edge while the wind rips through your clothes and hair
I wanted endless thrill and torture
With gritted teeth I made crescent shaped cuts in my palms with my nails
And wished I could want a softer love

I give a love that feels like gambling at the casino
You take your risks, play the slots, roll the dice with me
And on the chance that I let you in,  
Thoughts of you will consume me, enwrap me
Difficult to understand, difficult to know deeply
The odds of success with me would make a reasonable person cut their losses and go home
So I surround myself with risk-takers
It makes finding someone to love me back that much harder
But that much more gratifying

regrets curl up through my gut
like vines of ivy and it makes me feel
like I’ve been wrung out and hung up to dry
envisioning alternate realities
where i could take back my choices
just play-dough that I could twist and shape
into my ideal version of the past

No matter how I contort
and perform and stretch
and dance for you
criticism is first to escape your lips.
Always swallowing your praise,
As if being great is my everyday expectation
you could crush me like a bug underneath your ego and your pride

I wonder sometimes if we’ve been playing tug of war
I’ve been pulling our collective weight for so long
You make me think I’m winning,
you let me take a breath
Not a minute goes by and I’m already lunging forward
I’ve had to learn to put up my defenses
Learn to strike when you’re weakest
And I know you’re testing your strength
Trying to catch me when I’ve exhausted my options