"I was the only one who never tried to change you"
words from my Babushka from across the small kitchen
the smell of salt Baltic air and fresh baked goods from the shop down the quiet street filled with soviet style block apartments.
In my childhood and in my adolescence, there were those who said "that girl needs to be broken in"
shes too brash too uncompromising too unmalleable
I wrap my fingers around my mug of instant coffee, the acidity colliding with the sweetness of the cinnamon pastry still on my tongue
I thought how lucky am I to have just one person who took me simply as I am

I lived on an easel that stood on its own
a canvas untouched by impatient hands that sought to take and take
you took the brush out of my hand and drew me as you saw fit
I lost the energy to keep jumping off your canvas
so you finally trapped me with a frame and nailed me to your wall
I never liked how you painted me yet I'm still here, hanging.

The bathtub faucet has been running all night
Bubbles on the surface edging closer to the rim
I want to stand there, just watching the water run
Over the lip, onto the cold tiles
and soak into the rug at the foot of the toilet
Pool into the wells of the grout
and slink under the crack in the door
I want to dance and laugh and splash in it
Pull on my rain boots and feel like I’m 5 again
Forget the years I’ve spent using a kitchen rag to absorb an ocean  
Drying the tides as they lap against the shore and back
It was always futile, I’ve retired from trying.

I’ve only ever known dangerous love
Not the love where you feel naked- soft, light comfortable
But love where you feel naked- vulnerable, targeted, caught in headlights
It’s where you’re pulled to place your hand on the hot stove
Step onto the tracks while the train whistle wails
Jump off the edge while the wind rips through your clothes and hair
I wanted endless thrill and torture
With gritted teeth I made crescent shaped cuts in my palms with my nails
And wished I could want a softer love

I give a love that feels like gambling at the casino
You take your risks, play the slots, roll the dice with me
And on the chance that I let you in,  
Thoughts of you will consume me, enwrap me
Difficult to understand, difficult to know deeply
The odds of success with me would make a reasonable person cut their losses and go home
So I surround myself with risk-takers
It makes finding someone to love me back that much harder
But that much more gratifying

regrets curl up through my gut
like vines of ivy and it makes me feel
like I’ve been wrung out and hung up to dry
envisioning alternate realities
where i could take back my choices
just play-dough that I could twist and shape
into my ideal version of the past