I see lovers
holding hands and giving each other the look that can only be described as
"the look"
because only those who are out of love are bitterly aware of the sickeningly admiring gaze that one partner gives to the other when they speak  
and only those who are in love are oblivious to the fact that they are giving the look

And I see friends,
friends in love with friendship
friends in love with being with each other
in love with the adventure and the memories
and the comfort and familiarity that comes with knowing each other like the back of your hand

I see individuals
completely, and utterly in love with themselves
the kind of arrogance that is almost admirable
in love with their passion,  their ambition
with their goals and their futures
in love with the potential they know they have and in love with the hope that maybe one day,
they'll be an All-Star
or a politician
or a beautiful poet
or a parent

I see all of these people who are in love and I wonder, are these people really as in love as they claim to be?

And if so, when is it my turn to be in love?

I am madness,
and sunshine while it rains
but I am no rainbow
there's no light at the end of this tunnel
only darkness
lit by florescent counterfeits.
I am a wind storm
messy, never dangerous
but always unpredictable.
I have spent my days
worried with things I cannot control
and I so badly want
something I can hold close to.
But I am solid as a rock
and when I approach you
it will cause some damage.
I have known for a long time
that loving me is hard
because I've tried
and even I get tired.
I am clay,
easily molded
but when left dry and untouched
I turn to stone.
It may take some time,
but even a diamond
needs pressure
to be beautiful.

It's only a dream
I'm no foolish girl
I will have to wake up
Eventually

The problem with dreams
As soon as you wake up
It's over

You can dream again
But it won't be me

Maybe I'm wishing
Just this once
Dreams could come true
But if I did
I would never tell you

There was something about that night
The way insomnia  consumed my skin
The way your body felt intertwined with mind
The way your chest rose and fell,
A pillow of lungs and love to rest my head.

I knew I loved you

And your comatose kisses
And your incredible eyes
And your powerful whisper
And your quivering collarbones

Still with every touch
And taste
And caress
And embrace

I knew I would be content lying beside you for eternity.

And that my heart was yours to take,

And yours to break

(i.r)

As the hands of time slowly trod
around the glowing dial
the musty flavor of the air
made the room strangely drier
a growing sense of dread ensued
as minutes turned to hours
silence became my enemy
a voice, all I desired

picked up on the way home
unsure of what transpired
shackled to the table now
weary and defiled
left to think about my crime
no  one would hear my voice
until a measured time had expired
the truth it will suffice

What crime have I been charged with
you must respect my rights
or is this a kangaroo court
my fate has been decided
all these thoughts  and many more
surface with passing time
silence is the enemy
it will control your mind

As silence slowly takes it's hold
of all of you desires
you will withdraw into a ball
confused but happy all the while
letting go of all your cares
is really a simple thing
without a voice of reason
your future is quite bleak

Footsteps ringing down the hall
steadily getting nearer
all the protests I will make
my voice they'll surely hear
a twist of the door handle
announces fate has arrived
as dread and hope fight for control
of my fragile mind
a blank faced man nods my way
he says"Your free to go".
shocked at hearing someone talk
I just gaped with out control

I found myself silent
unable to complain
gratefully I shook his hand
and then got on my way
this was the most boring
two hours of my life
there can be no question
next time I'll use my voice

Monster

There's a monster in my home
With a soul as black as death
He's lurking somewhere nearby
Waiting with baited breath

He'll jump out and attack me
When things don't go just right
He's waiting for just the moment
He wants to start a fight

This monster I know from childhood
Although his face has changed
And yet I let him in again
Am I the one deranged?

This monster hid it well this time
A devil in disguise
Until he reared his ugly head
It was too late when I got wise.

And now I'm stuck here in this house
He'll never let me get away
This monster thinks I owe him
A debt I can never repay.

I slowly descend into hopelessness
Wishing the day would come
When I could go away from here
And find my hearts true home

The monster lives off my pain you see
Built a wall I can never get through
The saddest thing is you'll never believe
The monster with me is YOU

Who is that girl
That one there
With blond hair
With freckles and grey eyes...
Who is she and why does she stare?
There is nothing to look at
Nothing to bare

Who is that girl
She stands there
All tall and proud
But I see the hurt
See the pain
Her eyes are bright but are beginning to dull
Worn out from years of hurt
She only flinches slightly when a voice is raised now
She no longer cowers
At the sight of a belt or other objects
She stands there
Just a little limp
She will smile laugh and cry
But she still wilts a little, a little limp

Who is that girl...
*In the mirror