Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
daryll smith Apr 2018
https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/da-Daryll

Smith’s

The aftermath

Of
A
Suicidal

parent




written
Mr Daryll Smith



introduction

so as  you may or may not have guessed I am MR Daryll smith I grew up in Milton Keynes I was in and out of the care system then eventually  I reached the age of 14 then I was admitted to a low secure hospital in oxford with my mental health I am a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with ptsd I later was moved to a medium secure hospital in Stevenage where I spent a number of years due to becoming so unwell

then at 19 I had my first born daughter

then  at 22 my late father mr neil micheal smith was wanted by the local police due to a few thefts
I was in the property with my late father and boosted him in to the loft where here was later found by the police to be hung I was told by the police that he had done this but I did not believe so I guess my worst nightmares had been answered as a child I would always get scared that my late father would go out and die well I guess that happened and that was the end of his life


Me now 23 years old have achieved so much in a year and 5 months I now am working drug and crime free now slowly being reduced of my anti-psychotic medication I now also have another daughter on the way and I’ve never been more stable in my life and it feels so good and I know he would be proud   and my only goal is to now make my children proud

I run a support group of about 320 people of how to cope with suicide so I hope you find peace of whatever you may need from reading this

God bless

Yours


Daryll smith & family










Know who  I am  before I Leaf


so as it stood wind flowing though it's hair blankly staring out to the mist covered view it just thinks to itself I wish I could move so the seasons change as does it's appearance he can all but see what's stands in front of him or within mere distance oh how I wish I could move but the it all changes a van pulls up preside he's happy and rustles with glee the coming there coming it's autumn and all my baby's had to leave they must be here to move me with my baby's I’ve noticed a small sign wrapped around but I can't read another van arrives this carrying a traitor behind so the worker gets out and starts to cut me I beg stop stop! this is ****** was I but now I'm furniture



These strings you left me
As you hang from these
String that you hung from i let it all sink in
You where my dad my best friend
My king i think of you
But soon my emotion’s turns to hiding
As i lurk though this lonely
Life only thoughts of you reminding
Me on once that was
I would cry but the tears but they sting only thinking
How can i now be a prince but no longer have my king  














Hopefulness in death


his emptiness inside leaves me behind
as i start my climb not thinking of who iv left behind
my minds bleeding my hearts swelling but its approaching my time
i cant
help but my mind is the leader and my thoughts are the rebellion full of
the half a billion
   each day gets harder
to bring forth this laughter
but i can climb without the easy
getting harder
I am dead inside now you've  left me behind
now I am over thinking my life
thinking of taking mine
I am sick  of faking this smile of mine
maybe its all worthwhile then
please lord let me rebuild my mind tile by tile
















You lied you lied



As you spun these lies
all I now seem to do is cry
they say wasn't my fault but I can see the lies,
still every day n night I cry
why oh why oh why I'm now empty
inside this gaping hole I can hide
but these emotions that co inside make me question this life
and why u had to leave I'm Praying to the sky looking for hindsight
but my arms are cut from beneath sleeve you promised you would never
leave so now I'm lonely my whole family's pretend they don’t know me
just me myself and
my one and only










Missing granddad


its sad when a girl misses
her granddad
its sad when her dad misses his dad
its sad when they both miss that person
that stopped them being sad and its a shame
shell never meet again her dear granddad
now that's what i call sad















Doomsday



I ask myself am I dreaming is this real
Am I real I pinch myself you fall to my knees
only To surprise -myself. Comforting is all I need
My necks bleeding and my wrist slit on the hope I may
Forget this life that I regret I see my -self stand forcing
my -self to show emotion I am trying I am trying
but not thing yet
I turned to drugs to forget but found my –self
always feeling low self-worth  so to quote ub40 the world will die screaming
I hate this way that im feeling always appealing to my self -pleading that I don’t
Have the same fate as the earth and for what its worth
I more than think I have been blessed with the smith curse
I guess ill next see you when I reach the destination via this flower draped - Hurst






Homelessness
&
Fat cats

I can feel the bitter breeze of the winter’s air
My body covered with goose bumps that layer my skin
I have no money to eat so I search the bins
People walk past and laugh but their so quick to judge but they
Don’t know the life I’ve lived and the days with my children I’ve missed
I walk with ***** soaked clothes this is the summer of the homeless and there sun kissed
Skin please sir can you spare some change he looks straight through me and reply’s get a job
I fill with fire and rage from within I politely smile back say I am hungry and shake my tin
You all wonder why I look ill and why I am so thin


I am banging on the councils door please please let
Me in 15 was the age I last slept in a bed since I am now  35 I live a ***** life 35 no goal no
Achievement’s   accomplished in my life so I overdose on drugs just to get off the street’s  for the night
Surly morally this can’t be right enjoy your bed tonight why I sleep in needle filled bushes till these
Shakes subside it a huge possibility that drunks could attack me tonight
What happen to the world’s leaders putting the wrongs to rights I have to keep on the move so I
don’t get moved on from the best spots for me to make the money for what I am so desperate for
so I remain out of sight as I said enjoy your comfy bed tonight  I guess I’ll just sit outside salvation army being
Kept awake by my hunger pains that eat me from inside as I close my eyes just for a minute just  Until I die.






Ligature marks



I am all choked up as I nail with ligature marks From this rope from where I
Climb it heart my heart from deep inside can't help but
feel I have no time I love you I love you is a waste of time He can no
longer talk he finished his climb
bye bye farther we will reunite in just due time











Contemplating life

i don't wanna live this life
so i sit contemplating
this knife its cut just feel
to nice it hurts like the holding of ice
but it feels so nice have you ever tried to take your life
only to wake up on section the same night
my life's alright i'm grateful i'm living and alive i rather die
than live this life it gets so good but then so bad but i cant moan
i don't get mad just upset due to the suicide of my dad
  i think about all the times i spent with my old man the good then the bad
the happy the sad he's happy now for that im glad
but i turn to drink and **** to make me feel better
but you sir i miss like mad











As you tug on each heart string



As you tug on my heart string
Ligature marks from blue ribbon string
why would i sing the lords praise but I cry why i sing his that name
Now I find myself just wondering pondering
How can I be a prince without being a king I guess
I take the thrown and my life begin two seconds is al
I ask let me be 3-4 minute just let me think ......okay just a second till
it all sinks in
Hmmm














I am moving on…. well I am trying

i am moving on but why i still haven’t
cried,
"what’s the point".
it don’t hurt enough
"why oh why".
its still hurt just not enough
"yes oh yes I am crying but,
no more
"am i trying".
There’s no point in tell
myself to start crying
what’s the point in that,
"i guess i would be lying ".











Late at night tears pour from each eye.


late and night i sit there and cry
questioning life what it about why must
i carry on when i cant scream nor shout
why must i fight why can't i leave with out
thinking about why I’d leave behind it or was it your time
that’s why late at night i cry I’d rather live than die than live this lie
my would could have meaning but no my earth dies screaming just just
that’s the way my life  was meant to die.
















Dedicated to tony

tony where do i start you won’t be the first
and you won't be the only
i so glad i me you meet   and you will always know me
i wish i could have been thee so you
didn't feel as lonely  held your hand
and shown you i cared i would never
have left you no matter how scared I was for the moment  
i have for the moments and the laughs
we shared now rest you head there dear pal in till the day
i am there..















Just left to stare

You all look but no one cares see me stood
here alone just left to stare
so many time I could have shared but you just leave me
left to stare
I feel so broken as you convers with you peers
But I am just here left stare
You think I am strange because I have no hair
The chemotherapy leaves me ill lifeless my mum cries every night
She closes the door in fits of tears I know
I feel the same were both just scared
But here I am just left to stare
Will you be my friend and not leave me there
But here I am AGAIN alone
JUST LEFT TO STARE



Death would be my claim to fame

Broken heart revenge apart Bumpy start Empty mind as they say Left behind
without my dads heart Left behind with no dad nor friend o want to cry but
where do I begin never mind there's no problem as I stand out in this rain
I'm okay as I claim but my death will be my claim to fame so I take all my
pills and slit my vein's just to help me on my way




so you are the people


so you are the people that rule the world
locking  up young boys and girls  claiming they ain't well
even though they can see the realness of the  world
empty mind and broken shells
  the evil in this world hides in boys and girl the making of the world
stays in the shells
of the hurt and pain another bullet in another brain
but no one's appealing to their self-worth
because one more person cannot endure the pain of this earth
we all smile but we all bleed the same god speed to you all
another boy another girl every three seconds a life claimed
the government should be appalled let alone ashamed.





Scarecrow three!!

I have no body I could show what I know
I’ve had a few visitors but they would come and go
I have holes in my clothes
No fingers or toes
I just stand here doing the best that I know
The rain would come the leaves would fall then followed by snow
I guess as I just stand here if these seed that were once sown
I guess that me that is me I am just a lonely forgotten propped up
Scarecrow next to a tree.


Warm snow
Let it go
Let it
Go


So rain is but what nothing but warm snow
I look back on the emotions I would not
Show later I guess I would not know how my life could
Change I stood up and took my plate ate what I had a removed
These people that were fake I knew It was my time within mind for the changes  
I would make I so I sit here a different guy no long behind these feeling that I hide
Yeah now I feel I could cry and if the inevitable happened tonight I could smile
And say well you know I tried so long my hidden cries I bid you good night  


Societies anger
so as Tories took control the balance of the debts went up wards on most hospitals shut mental health funds and benefits cut stopped EMA like it was cool now our country’s run by a load of over educated fools what happen to going to school oh yeah you raised the fees like a fool so les education less jobs more immigration why our county’s leaders are a bunch of tools see now the working class suffer and go red with frustration i thought equalities was the foundation of our great nation




So this is England’s story
Run by fat cats that call themselves the Tories
So where do I start probably with the N.H.S cuts so
If you cough or get cut 40 % of wards on the hospitals shut
better hope you don’t need  benefits cause there cut too
unless you have half a head or a knife in the gut
even still the job centres doors are shut
so next its housing soon mud huts the poverty line is more than above
the average so they can eat caviar with their imported cabbage
see I am not activist nor am I a protester but
there using your tax money to sit under as coasters
I don’t mean there all the same but Corbin was ready to change the game
them Mrs may stood up and half the Country’s debt blew up
see I am just the working class guy as a nation
must not suffer in silence for such frustration’s
we need to demand we put our government right
so as I look straight in to my children’s eyes
I’d rather these Tories stood down and hand it to the right guys
you call you selves a party the Tories you made our county look more of a joke than your politic story’s
well done smarty’s
story’s sorry guy I wish you good bye I guess I’ll see you in the job centre line
then you wish you had forgot those cuts when you rely
on tax payers to wipe your butts
let’s see you political education get you out of such ruts.





Suicidal mind

Let me let you in on a thought of mine left out here to stand alone I am empty lonely
Only to be shed no empathy I here you still and I remain empty no way of shedding tears
Because weakness is my enemy I would get out of bed
but the accelerated thoughts in my head
leave   me with no energy I wake up just  feel dead
to go to sleep I sleep just to hear you speak
I remain in a dream alone empty low self-esteem
why do I wake up praying praying pinching it was all but a dream.



Suicide suicide and left behind

suicide is when two world collide
crying eyes bottled up on the inside
lock in a prison of inside your mind
have you ever just sat the for hours and cried
and not know why so you try to hide
wondering for ever pondering on what you would really
leave behind so do not hide do not be shy as
now when i look up my eyes bleed tears from either side so i crying to the
moon
tonight i always said ill e here to wipe your tears from eyes now I am sat
here feeling all left behind


Others that sin

so here’s my candle in the wind
would call god’s name sing his hymns
if i could sing worship if i could believe
there's nothing to say that we cannot achieve
just because we were let down by Adam and eve
i would prey if i could see and did not live in reality
so as i wipe my tears with my sleeve well will see whose
better me you Gary Dave and Steve I am begging do not take me
but it’s my sure invertible time to pack my dreams and leave


The anger inside



I cannot help but to wonder why every time something seems
To right another million things that angry me inside
Rise to the surface and leave me wondering why my mental -state has
Never been right cuts on my body arms left and legs right
I have a scar on my throat that will never turn white
Other people stare and gaze like them never seen a mentally ill person
In such a state people look at you with such anger dislike and hate just because
My body is a state I hope there’s not so many prejudice at the pearly gates.

The mirror in his eyes

see the mirror in your
eyes could hide what has left me feeling left behind
turns out your no protection
of mine still i cry every day i die very day i cannot hide this
awful feeling of being left behind


as I swing from my twisted rope


as i swing from my twisted rope
i can longer grasp upon hope
i hang here no sign of rescue
no sign of hope i hang here
i can hear my self -gasping
as this rope its vice my neck its marking  themes valle
Preview of book
daryll smith May 2019
I know what I've done.
What the pauses are I've caused.
An still I cause more.
For my disappointment shows no flaws.
Each momental pause causes more pain than I never proceeded to mean to gain.
To the outside looking in I look fine "I'm surviving".
I try drugs. love and self escape.
Just to end up in the same place.
Suffering pain I can't take.
Was I meant for this or a cruel mistake.
Can I take pace on a path where I don't hate the sight of own face.
Replace the one who looks back the one with blue eyes not black and opaque.
Replace the pain and disgrace that peers back to my skin of grey drawn in cheeks
With veins that drugs leak from,
My tourniquet is the only thing that brings me back to norm.
Or should I say numb.
I'm sick!
Sick of holding on one more ml and soon I'm gone.
Every body's looking at my life wondering where they went wrong how they regret how we never got on another soul or ashes blowing out in the sun.
daryll smith Mar 2018
There's no need to cut me down
I lay there in higher ground.
These beams of light **** in every
Bit of my life. I live In a dream of no God, nor light
No pain, no more voices for my pain to hide behind.
I hang here on the truth of mind. I hanging here
Just not caring what I left behind.

Written by DSmith
daryll smith Mar 2020
Blank page

There it is staring at me.
Mocking every word I write,wrapping it up.”no that’s not right”.
That A4 staring so bright, thin and irritating.

Blank page staring back at me inspire my self. “Some classical may flow my stream”?

“That A4 so thin and lined. So small not wide. Oxford lined why can’t I fill these 2mm lines?

With words of hope and inspiration.
Words to pin together a fallen nation:
To support the public servants and the ones we appreciate.

14 days or 1 year our existence is at stake please ring you mum, your nan your auntie.
Your granddad your friends you brothers.
We must pull together embrace advice love one another.

Help and strive together.

This blank page staring at me becomes interesting and a snap back to reality.

Love is strong and we are strong people come together in life when everything goes wrong.


Blank page blank page.
So white so bright.
Please be safe take my messages away check that neighbour you haven’t seen today.


Daryll smith
NHS covid 19 lets join together let’s be safe
daryll smith Mar 2016
only time will tell if im smart
or just unwell
another boy and girl ripped from the word
whats this whats that whats that me decaying
flesh it not at liberty to digress that sort f explanation
to such a small race of boy ad girls
daryll smith Jun 2017
Rocking around the rock tonight

Rocking around the rock tonight TicToc
Money comes in at 12 o'clock
Gone before long gouched out
On my mother’s couch eating
Al l the cupboard’s out


Rocking around the clock right now
Clucking for my white and brown

Rocking around the rock tonight
What would my poor dad think of me now
I’m even robbing shops and old lady’s now
Sorry miss I need my brown

Rocking around the rock and brown
Clucking stealing from my mother now
I’m even taking children’s savings for brown

Coffin Hurst and no one around
The dirt is why they call it brown

Rocking around the clock tonight
Nothing around but lots of night

Written
By

Daryll smith
Based on the life of a ****** addict
daryll smith Mar 2019
I can hear her calling
That of her destiny.

She comforts me in my slumber so deep.

She loves me she hates me.
But for me she don't care?
I can hear her calling me begging that I let go.

I need her here but for me can't show.
I'm going back to dreaming because I can't let go.


Dsmith
daryll smith May 2019
I hear them sing the devils song
It's been so long now. I don't know my self I find my self... Asking how I come back from these words of my darkest mind. I find my self masking my mind. I wish this pain I could put behind my mind and my hearts Devine.
I'm asking for time.
Alone in my mind.
I ask my heart where's my start fresh and kind to a life...
Completely the opposite to mine.
Where my mind is mine and my thoughts my own.
I'm trying to change but  always a million miles from my home to a place with no voices zone...
I'm flying I'm dying I just wish I could give up trying
daryll smith Mar 2018
what would you, class as abuse,
or the fact that the other half gave you
the noose and tightened t so tight the no slipping loose the very way they make you feel good for a while, The put you down with cute insults.
Back to hate at the end of the day, The way they make you feel good to knock you down, they hit you and tell you its all your fault or they did it because they love you either way .....you know what i have to say... that's domestic abuse.

DSmith
daryll smith Mar 2018
Embrace the bliss


As i hang from these beams,
Falling in to the deepest dreams'
the sun is shining i can see the beams.
Its more beautiful than it could ever seem.
as the air leaves my tar filled lungs
I think of you when you were young,
My heart speeds and then slows.
my fingers tingle then go numb,
NO more struggling no more pain.

Daryll its not your fault let your self grow old and your hair go grey and you self get wiser as you get older.

you will always be my toy soldier,
keep on marching till your children are older there love for you will only grow bolder.

DO NOT LET IFE REMOVE YOU FROM ITS FOLDER.
Picture this, no more pain my life s over remember this just sit back and embrace the bliss.

  DSmith
daryll smith Mar 2016
endless pain blunt knife
days of nights of  nights nothing's right
so yes we live but then we die
who's to say whether its wrong or right blunt blade sharp
knife its wrong with cut as they claim that its not right you try living my life
you may sit a cry have you ever ended your life to wake up the next night well you listen here n you listen good that's my cry lets see you try maybe you should now lets see who's thinking is right
daryll smith Apr 2018
Flatter, High and wide.

I see you...
Over there...
Wings of yellow, Greens and red....
Wings *****....
On flowers stems of, Green, Flowers of blue and red...
I see you....
Over there....
Blue sky back ground....
Green grass fields....
...clouds puffy....
Life for you is lovely...
Flutter Flutter off in to the warm skies...
I see you...
Now and again I hope you will one day remember me and come a Flatter by....
Daryll smith
daryll smith Mar 2018
Freedom


I can hear the voices, To me they sing.
I can see the door I also feel the wind.
I look beyond the window ,from which were caged in.
I can feel the people in all there thoughts that spare
A hopeless abis. I call but no one answers this.
I scream I shout but only because I scared
I'm free I'm out I prey I never go back there.
Based on my psychiatric hospital experience
daryll smith Aug 2019
I can feel the breeze of the winter wind my body's covered with goosebumps on the layers if my skin I have no money to eat so I search the bins people laugh but they don't know the life that iv lived and the days of my children's life iv missed as I walk with my sweat soaked skin this summer of the homeless and there sun kissed skin have you some spare change sir he replays get a job but I fill with fire from within smile politely and say I'm hungry and shake my tin you wonder why I look I'll Ill and I'm thin banging on the council door please please let me in I haven't slept in a bed since I was 15 now I'm 35 I live a ***** life 35 no achievements accomplished in life so they overdose on drugs to get of the streets for the night please please surly this is not morally right enjoy your bed tonight why I sleep in needle soaked bushes just so I don't get attacked tonight what happened to the world putting things right I get moved on if I don't stay out of sight as I said be comfy in ur bed as I sit outside Salvation Army being kept awake by this hunger pain that keep my eyes wide and that rumbles from inside me
daryll smith Mar 2016
homelessness has a connection to loneliness
me myself no only us beggars beg see this is where
we live under a bridge
in tent underpaths and a covered bush
you think should i give them money yes you should

police come and pull us and push
till we move on
i see you but you pretend you're not looking

officer i cant afford that ticket you booking
i see you walk past cant you pretend you're not looking
of what ever have you see this weather i have ***** jean and ripped up sweaters
please a spare pound please sir or the best you can do or whatever
its cold out here and my chest isn't getting better
the rain pours and you're sat in doors
me too but in other ways of door im jealous of yours
and your life please id give anything to live yours
another persons died well mk council you really do deserve around of applause
daryll smith May 2018
Homelessness
&
Fat cats

I can feel the bitter breeze of the winter’s air.
My body is covered with goose bumps that layer my skin.
I have no money to eat.
so I search the bins.
People walk past and laugh but their so quick to judge.
but they
"Don’t know the life I’ve lived"
The days with my children I’ve missed!
I walk with ***** soaked clothes.
"this is the summer of the homeless and there sun kissed skin".
"please sir can you spare some change", he looks straight through me and replies "get a job!!
I fill with fire and rage!
From within I politely smile...
say "I am hungry" and shake my tin.
You all wonder why I look ill...."Or why I am so thin".


I am banging on the councils doors "please please let Me in" 15
was the age I last slept in a bed since.
I am now  25 I live a ***** life..
35 "no goals" "no Achievements".   accomplished in my life.
So I overdose on drugs.
just to get off the streets the
thoughts in my head haunted  through the night.
Surly morally this can’t be right.
"Enjoy your bed tonight!"
why I enjoy sleeping.... In needle filled bushes.
My mouth is dry, I'm hungry to but I need my fix or at least until  or at least enough just make Shakes subside.
It's a possibility that drunks could attack me tonight!
What happen to the world’s leaders?
Putting the wrongs to rights.
"I have to keep on the move so I
don’t get moved on from the best spots". For me to make the money.
For what I am so desperate for!i
"So I remain out of sight"..
"enjoy your comfy bed tonight".  I guess I’ll just sit outside salvation army being"
"Kept awake by my hunger pains"!
That eat me from inside as I close my eyes...."can I ask for just a minute"?  
Until I die.

Dsmith
daryll smith May 2018
I hate your kiss I hate your touch...
I need you but...
Not enough.
When I touch you I feel no love.
When u touch u do so in resistance...
I love you but from a far.
A empty distance...
I love you or maybe I don't.
I guess neither of us will never know.

Dsmith
daryll smith Mar 2016
im bleeding im pouring my old mans asleep but he's not
snoring im drug free when i should be scoring
it hurts it pains but nothing feels the same i know
its sad and it same lame but
i long to be with my father once again why cant i get the
***** and grab the rains
so i can follow suit and do the same
daryll smith Apr 2019
I'm taking off "i need your touch".
"Even when your here"
I never feel that's enough.
"I need you here"
I need your love.
Now your gone I search for answers in piles of drunk nights of love.
I guess you could say we're out of touch.

I need you here!!
I long for your touch.
I can honestly say I miss your love.
daryll smith May 2019
I don't want to be here.
I never want to think again.
I don't want to live here anymore
I mean in my head even silence is impossible there.
I don't want to take my life.
Just not mine some one else's will sure be fine.
Tic tic my life flys.
Happy days leave my side...
Then it's back to my darkest mind.
I don't want to live my life.
I'm all alone.
Again there they go suicide this self harm that I'm hanging on to hope even though I'd rather the rope.
daryll smith Apr 2018
the church peaks over the trees the grass is long but a light  shade of green, The birds seek food then they fly away.
looking out there's not one cloud in the sky. The moon can be seen ever so wide I look up for answers of what to do with my life.
Written by DSMITH
daryll smith Mar 2018
I can taste your blood.
I even smell it smell it in the air.
i even kept that snippet of your hair
i watch you as you sleep, I watch you as you eat.... i even like those socks that let your toes peak.
i an taste your blood I can smell it in the air.
first ill remove your scalp, Even remove each hair, ill slice my knife right through you leaving you for dead.
cut you in to pieces and even freeze your head ill skin your arms and even ut off your face  and ten ill serve it to one of your mates i hear you begging begging to be saved
ill bury you in a field with  unmarked graves...quick call the police before its all but to late.


written by d smith
daryll smith Mar 2016
As you spun these lies
all I now seem to do is
cry
they say wasn't my fault but I can see the lies,
still every day n night I cry
why oh why oh why I'm now empty
inside this gaping whole I can hide
but these emotions that co inside. make me question this life
and why u had to leave I'm preying to the sky looking for hindsight
but my arms are cut from beneath sleeve you promised you would never
leave so now I'm lonely my whole family's phoney just me myself n my one n only ,i.
daryll smith Apr 2019
When I can fly away
I will fly so high.
Apon the wind with every blow.
By the trees of green and flowers of white and pink.
I will be flying so high with the clouds around me.
I'll be flying so high there's no looking back and down from me.
Above the houses so high.
That of skyscrapers and until the wind falls by my brothers and sisters around me.
One falling leaf
"That was me"
daryll smith May 2018
Love is a rainbow,
Love is colorful sparking pinks and dark red,
Emerald greens.
  Sprinkle some dust,
on the hunt for the other side.
Suns beaming above scorching our skins.
Love is a rainbow
it is what you put in.
Love is a cloud uplifting  you away puffy fluffy white and opaque.
This day was the best hopeful tomorrow I'll wake up sane.

Dsmith
daryll smith Jun 2017
medium lock down and i'm loving it now

white jackets is the idea you get needles in and restraints to forget
i've been here a week now n a medium lock down ward shuffled walks broken down minds
obscure thought to be rebuilt y medication and mind manipulation to a life f no trail just discrimination guilty without a reason nor plea  they say there here to help me
yet the stab you and leave thy knife o ever so kind just the thought track of a stubborn  professionally silver spooned 'argent mind.      
but these people as we,they are no long are of a sound mind
more so being held agent there will in a prison worst than hell in
place were they have no thoughts and no control but an over taken mind but this does not for one second mean they,we, i am not worth your time
tic toc tic toc "look he's having a break down lets stand and watch"
how out asking the time to look inside and find out what what there problems are offer them
a cup of tea  and ear and advice like a friend is it not wrong to hate just out of fear ive been ere a week now and i am loving it here
Written by daryll smith
daryll smith Apr 1
aged 14 they took me to this place

first thoughts when they took me

i was going to my grave

needles from which id never awake

police took me fully restained

i walked though the door

what **** i aint mad

you got this wrong

its normal what these voices are saying

now

im nursed in my room

vallys and olazapine

daze and confused

every bit of energy

is to fight and refuse

now im thinking

all day how am i getting back

i need my fix





from four days

i told them openup

the

window and second floor dow

n dropped to knees

now im struggling now

how am i gunna wal

k i need to sit down

thats the thing

about my frst time each voice of this psychosis there was nothing

that was wrong with me

n my thoughts were sound
Enter
You sent
still not understanding
but their circling

around aint taking thses ******* meds

are they ******* mad im sane im sane
******* listen

i aint being ******* restarined
first guy that tries
i wont hestate
i have a shard of glass
i was hoping to save
Enter
You sent
now their surrounding
me
now and its all getting tense
no idea which way to face now

then boom down
injection,s placed
room spinning out
i'm losing focus
the voices are easing but never will they leave one eye open one eye shut
    in to the deepest endless sleep im falling i'm falling waking up nightmares
i'm waking up
in cold sweats overwhelmed with stress without warning
daryll smith Mar 2016
endless suffocation the lost mixed up cut off generation
see i can claim that im a different patient
i sat here face full emotion but the rope tightens
cant lie im frighted its damnation
empty and die i try to be patent
forcing the tears but i aint crying im dying
drugs were used to escape my chemical
warfare its not the problem it the root
i scream when there's no one there life
aint fair as it seems its just another suicide scare
daryll smith Mar 2018
for **** sake their awake again.
running, screaming and having fun "again". Go away i am trying to sleep. Daryll? Daryll?? DARRYLL!! they weep
messing with my dreams "no they cant sneak" there's no hiding and i need peace.
i am looking a pictures no one else can see.
"Did you hear that ..or was that just me"?? so i take pills just to help me see a glimmer of the light of reality.
these voices are not for me" I hate them and they hate me .the funny thing is they are all just me!
daryll smith Aug 2019
Mummy mummy where are you.
Mummy mummy why do you hate me.
Mummy mummy do you know how much I cried and urned to be snuggled up against your side.



Mummy mummy I hate you and you know why.
Mummy mummy if you died I would not cry.

Mummy mummy riddle me this can you guess why hear this evil voice inside.
Mummy mummy could you have done more?
Mummy mummy when you come to my dads grave on the day we lowered him from life.
Mummy mummy I wish it was you not my dad in the sky.


Mummy mummy why?
Mummy mummy I don’t need you.
Mummy mummy I hate you.



Mummy mummy because of you I can’t find love nor peace.

Mummy mummy  I’m wondering if you admitted the wrong you done In my life.

Mummy mummy all I wanted was a mummy in my life.

Mummy mummy here’s the rope and you’ve given me the height.

Mummy mummy good night.
D smith
daryll smith Apr 2018
Learn to fly


i do not want to live this life hence
why i am sat here contemplating
this black handled knife i want to slit
my wrists and learn to fly sounds so great
but have you ever tried to take your life,
just to only to wake up later that night.
DSmith



Bold, Engulfed and left to feel the same

Deep,Vocal and pain
hopeless mind,hopeless pain
thoughts are controlling actions.
****** beds sheets and stained clothes
no food no help for me so it i beg god
hurries and shuts the coffin closed

DSmith


My one true love,proud from above

I am hiding behind enemy lines.
wasting money and of cause my life time
thoughts of you remind me that
you're mine. I am fine just sad from time to time
The one thing that helps me fight is the thoughts
that you are mine and one day we may reunite.



As you tug on each heart string


As you tug on my heart strings
ligature marks from blue ribbon string.
Why would i sing the lords praise,
I cry why would i sing that his name
was it all my fault i'm wondering,
Searching for the painless soul within

DSmith


So you are the people that rule the world


so you are the people who rule the world?
locking up young boys and girls....claiming,
that they are not well even though
they can see the real in the world
  there empty minds step on egg shells.
The evil in the world hides behind,
these boys and girls the ones who make
this world, S tay in the shadows or under shells
but no ones appealing to the self worth
and the ignorance just gets worse ..



DSmith



Scarecrow.

I have no body for me to show what i know,
i have had a few visitors but they come and go.
for what i am for i will never know
my hay is itchy my hat slanted
My arms are heavy there is a man on the path,
Maybe just maybe we could have a laugh...he's coming
I chant with glee he  would make a good friend for a girl or boy  
i can see something in his hand what can it be. We do not have any events planned oh no Oh NO CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! and the scarecrow drops.

DSmith

ANGEL FROM THE GROUND

I know from time to time you peer down
to watch me each day you become proud and think  wow look at him now
he's really getting on well no more drugs now making his daughters proud i sent a friend down to see you were okay and he said no angel can watch over other angels.


DSmith




So look at me now i look at my self proud i hold my cards close to my chest
but that's just me i always kept.
My feelings locked away some days i am sad, others i am glad i still remember you dad my daughters wont be ill make sure to tell what a great granddad they had.


DSmith



Mentally ill

so you want to know how the side effects make me feel.
I cant sit still, My eyes wonder
to one side so i am giving up
the will to fight.my muscle seize they turn to steal oh its nine o'clock time for medication. To lay these voices to rest get the pain of my chest lay back and let my mess take care of the rest


DSmith


Green green grass

They say the grass is greener on the other-side  i say it changes the demeanor
when two worlds collide.
the feeling of hope hides behind the prison, Of your mind to find out your the only one left behind

DSmith


Bullets

Bullets in the heart, razors slice the vein
is-it just me or is the world cruel.
were all the same passing buck and shifting blame...
A penny for your thoughts or a shot to the brain. Suffering, sufferings so they claim society is twisted. No respect ...its a shame... slit your wrist and soon you will see. You bleed red blood just like me.


DSmith

Pitter patter


Pain is not having a plan,
Pain is not having the man that brought you before this here land.
I could not see his plan now he's gone i've searched the sky, seas and sands.
Before i stand before you whether you like it or not the 16 th of may he decided it was time for me to be a man.
You could have told me i would have held your hand....
I have no choice,no voice and no sound of that man. Nor heart beat no pitter patter of his feet.
He left this life he thought it would be better but it all ended in defeat no more drunk days roaming the streets of more pitter patter from his and Ana's feet Night dad have a nice sleep.


DSmith




Sentenced to life in my head.


So what gives up the right
to say your health is alright but, your head is wrong...Alright how can you tell me you have lived my life.
Have you ever had the choice to carry on and fight or just sit there why tears flood your eyes. Have you ever cried your self to sleep because there no knifes, razors or pills to eat my sickness need more than prescription.. Try my shoes and how far can make cover over in a days mission are you sure let me help you down from your high horse what right do you have to judge me your the one with the devil on your back.


DSmith


Contemplating life


I do not want live this life
so i it and contemplate
this knife. To cut myself it would feel so right.
it feels so good like the holing of ice,
it just feels so right have you ever tried to take your life just to be on section the next night with these demons everyday i have to fight they tell me **** your self your not worth it i say i am not no where near perfect but i know my children are worth it  



DSmith



Ghost


Okay there was better ways to leave
I know but as I swing there,
pigments of ghost. I remain where I stay
till i heard from the ghost it whispers....
I loved you, the most. It was my time to go your time to shine please do not, Feel hate because I left you behind .

You was the best accomplishment in my
life as i lay here draining of life.. remember me for the things that went right.



DSmith



So here I am

So here i am once again,
Finding my self aimless
nothing else but shame,
I ask my self once, Twice
and over and over to stand here
rendered with heart ache, The same
heart ache that got me locked away in
in medium secure locked away safe and sound.. tap tap tap Daryll the devils calling.


DSmith


The howling past

The wind it echoes from cave to cave
gusting past like a hawk in prey.
The wind swoops to the lower level,with
each and every tattered feathers it flies by no matter the weather.

DSmith


domestic abuse


what would you class as abuse or the fact that the other half gave you the noose and tightened it so tight the no slipping loose the very way they make you feel good for a while, They put you down with cute insults.
Back to hate at the end of the day, The way they make you feel good to knock you down, they hit you and tell you its all your fault or they did it because they love you either way .....you know what i have to say... that's domestic abuse.

DSmith

flowers

This flower is me,
Freshly picked, Yesterday
vibrant and pink vibrant an
free, Alive and kicking but now is dead,
withered.......Dead petals, No leafs
gone into its self, just like me
i saw a lot of what the world was yesterday now i've given up,
the fight just a me!

written by


DSmith

I see you.

I can taste your blood.
I even smell it, I smell it in the air.
i even kept that snippet of your hair
i watch you as you sleep, I watch you as you eat.... i even like those socks that let your toes peak.
i can taste your blood I can smell it in the air.
First i'll remove your scalp, Even remove each hair, i'll slice my knife right through you leaving you for dead.
Cut you in to pieces and even freeze your head, I'll skin your legs and arms and even cut off your face  and then ill serve it to one of your mates i hear you begging, begging to be saved
I'll bury you in a field with unmarked graves...quick call the police before its all but to late.

DSmith

The Church


The church peaks over the trees the grass is long but a light  shade of green, The birds seek food then they fly away.
Looking out there's not one cloud in the sky. The moon can be seen ever so wide I look up for answers of what to do with my life.


DSmith


Freedom


I can hear the voices, To me they sing.
I can see the door I also feel the wind.
I look beyond the window ,from which were caged in.
I can feel the people in all there thoughts that spare
A hopeless Abis. I call but no one answers this.
I scream I shout but only because I'm scared.
I'm free I'm out I pray I never go back there.

DSmith

Stars


I look up to the stars wishing that i at least knew where to start. deep down in my heart i knew we were both doomed, Doomed from the start do not look within me nor check if i have a heart its cold out here in my world of hatred and dark.


DSmith


Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star

Twinkle Twinkle daddy's little star.
Sometimes i wonder where you are,
if you're sad or having a cry or having a laugh.
Other times i do not let you in because it becomes to hard.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star
I picture you dancing singing on my bed jumping up and down and then the pain again all starts.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star i miss you so much it feels wrong to laugh.

DSmith

Fate


There's no need to cut me down
I lay there in higher ground.
These beams of light **** in every
Bit of my life. I live In a dream of no God, nor light
No pain, no more voices for my pain to hide behind.
I hang here on the truth of mind. I hanging here
Just not caring what I left behind.



DSmith




Medium lock down and i'm loving it now



White jackets is the idea you get,
Needles in and restraints to forget,
i've been here a week now'
On a medium secure lock down ward shuffled walks everybody talks to voices that you  cant listen to talk,
Broken down minds obscure thoughts to be rebuilt, By medication and mind manipulation. Cheers to a life with no fair trail ..Were guilty without reason...

hey say their here to help
but stab you in the back
and twist it in, oh ever so kind
professional silver spooned
ignorant mind..
these people as we are..they are no longer of sound mind. Being held against
their will in a prison worse than hell.
in a places with no thoughts no control
but an over taken mind,
but this does not mean we are not worth your time.


DSmith


Dear mummy


Mummy why wont you hug me,
Mummy why cant i call you..
Mummy this is no longer funny,
Mummy what have I done?
Mummy why do  you not
love your son?...
Mummy why am i missing you?
mum this is your son please grow up
and be a mum.
Mum i guess don you not want to meet your son ....I HATE YOU MUM!!
MUM what are you doing here i wish it was you laying in my dads grave...
My sister calls ... mummy's dead..why is mummy dead...
Mummy why are you dead?
I wish i could take away every painful thing that i said.

Mummy i miss you I wish you were here.
the hopes of a reunion fade with each tear


DSmith


Its all but a dream


I wake up and see it was all but a dream,
But i have not got a clue,
why i have not shred one tear from my eyes.. I remember when you left when i was young. You said "look to the moon and blow a kiss and i will do the same my son" i look up to the sky i look for the moon and i feel to cry, but my tears run dry whats the point i feel better thinking you're not dead


DSmith




Silence was your plan


Some say suicide is selfish.
some say suicide makes you less of a man.deep own no one can see you pain,
I know you was not right so all I know is the pain you endured in your life was just to great...
you know it kind of feels nice knowing i was the relative in your eyes...
I have come to terms, That you have passed but that does, not mean i do not wish you were here  but i know you're watching now with pride and peace.    

DSmith




eyes that cry


Eyes that cried every night
see you thought you could hide
"but you cant hide" I knew you was not quite right.
I am a strong believer in life after death,
As well as the afterlife, when i go to your grave it just does not feel right.
i know you're still here peeking if only i could see what you are seeing.


DSmith




All chocked up

I am all chocked up ligature marks from this rope that hold my only hope, i am lost and broken the devil in side of me is awoken


DSmith


suicidal mind


Let me let you in on one of my thoughts,
Left out here alone, I am empty and lonely. only to be shed no empathy here i am still remaining empty. no shredding tears as m weakness is my only enemy...
I would get out of bed but the voices wont leave my head... they leave me with no energy, I wake up just to feel dead when i sleep i just sleep to hear you speak,
I remain in a dream, alone,empty and low self esteem...
why do i wake up praying it was all a dream just to look out side and be slapped with reality


DSmith



suicide suicide

Suicide is when two worlds collide
crying eyes,bottled up on the inside
locked in a prison locked inside your mind.



DSmith



Tears from each eye.


late at night i sit there and cry,
Questioning life who, What, Where and why must i carry on.
When i cannot scream nor shout,
Why must i fight, Why cant i leave with out thinking what i would leave behind
it was your time to shine that's why i cry most nights i would rather die than have to live this life, This lie.
My world could have meaning but no my earth dies screaming that why my life is here for me to die.


DSmith


I am trying i really am


I am moving on "well i am trying"
I am moving on only gods know why i have not started grieving or crying.
"whats the point"
"I guess it don't hurt enough"
"why oh why"
it still hurts just not enough.
"yes oh yes i am crying"
"but no more am i trying"
there is no point in telling
my self to start crying
"whats the point "
"i guess it would be lying"


DSmith


  Embrace the bliss


As i hang from these beams,
Falling in to the deepest dreams'
the sun is shining i can see the beams.
Its more beautiful than it could ever seem.
as the air leaves my tar filled lungs
I think of you when you were young,
My heart speeds and then slows.
my fingers tingle then go numb,
NO more struggling no more pain.

Daryll its not your fault let your self grow old and your hair go grey and you self get wiser as you get older.

you will always be my toy soldier,
keep on marching till your children are older there love for you will only grow bolder.

DO NOT LET IFE REMOVE YOU FROM ITS FOLDER.
Picture this, no more pain my life s over remember this just sit back and embrace the bliss.

  DSmith  


unspoken words

Silence many unspoken words,
but not a sound can be heard.
Greed another word for gain
fame another word for vain
deathly walks, A life from stalks
why should we have not a choice
to abort.


DSmith



The real world.

nothing as it seems, Were all asleep
life's but a dream, blues of red and reds of green.
life's but a dream what if i told you the sea was grey the trees not green...
Would you say i am crazy or living a dream, the world is full of love and happiness ..now whose crazy and living in a dream as i say victims cry and sufferers scream is this a nightmare or a repetitive dream.


DSmith



only time will tell

Only time will tell, what if I get ill,
and spend the rest of my life un-well
as I climb i've already fell, I faded away i wake up to cry just to go to sleep to die


DSmith


another suicide scare


Endless suffocation lost in the mix up of a
broken generation, See I claim I am a different kind of patient, i am sat here face full of fake emotion my life goes round in a upside down kind of motion i try to hang my self but the rope turned out to be gods token to hand me a life line I look back I thank god for the real man he has awoken.

DSmith



flower draped



Each day I am dying,
Each day I am crying,
The devil sees me an
mocks my crying,
I try to take my life he
whispers to me,
Why are you trying?
take that knife and start
slicing stick in and twist it
i have your soul i hope you miss
it is this hell or heaven do you
really want to risk it i have but two word your dead i think could this be worse
next time you see me ill be in a flower draped hurst.


DSmith



  As i take these pills

So as i drop this pill i realise i am ill,
I cant sleep does this mean i am ill?
calm -down, chill, but these nightmares are ore than real  sleep deprivation is the very reason i am ill,
So i guess its time to drop another anti psychotic pill oh that my life i love being mentally ill.


DS
Manuscript unpublished
daryll smith Jun 2018
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07DGVJX3Z/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1527946333&sr=8-1&keywords=daryll+smith
daryll smith Apr 2018
I cut my self so I feel life.
I run down this serrated knife,
That glimmers so off this light
Is it the heavens that close at night, or
Why the devils seated opposite the right.
He tucked me in and wished good night
I feel him here on the left and the right
He will remain by both sides

DSmith
daryll smith Jun 2017
i am at with thy sleeping bag


As i stand here in this dark night of rain
nowhere but these hard cold walls
just for me to lay the icy drops  run down
my dirt covered face

other stay where they are placed
im hungry but i dont want to ask people
for change i would rather not been looked down on
with such unprovoked hate and rage
either way people will still  judge me
when i would
rather feed on the
sandwich discarded from since i don't know when
As i reach within this black and gold plated bin  
Whilst i was it down with my 9%

they see a needle and without a thought twice relate it to me just
Because my clothes are ripped and i have no money or a place to live and yet i still try to make lemonade with what i was given but you still you see what I've built and demolish and break it just because i didn't

quite make it in
to you're sliver spooned toffee nosed society sorry i was quick to judge and assume
and that eitherway
was not right of me i do apologise ever so politely
you may have had if not the same but worse of a start off in life than me

either way one thing we do have that we share is we both have the ability
to laugh kid,care,love and joke  and the will to share so...

if you have a penny a pound or a sandwich
spare or and hour to talk and problems to share then grab you sit your self down next to where  ill be where i always am with my dogs and belongings in that  door way there.


Written by
daryllsmith
daryll smith Mar 2016
bleed hurt bleeding  gut
people ask you okay what's
up nothing matters or hurts enough
these razor blades just don't cut
yes im bleeding are you reading
but that's not compared to what's up
how a cut gonna help when nothing
ever is just enough yes i slice another cut that
will never amount to whats really up
i don't wanna be here iv had another
where's my cloud  and halo now that what's up
daryll smith Apr 2018
Learn to fly


i do not want to live this life hence
why i am sat here contemplating
this black handled knife i want to slit
my wrists and learn to fly sounds so great
but have you ever tried to take your life,
just to only to wake up later that night.
DSmith



Bold, Engulfed and left to feel the same

Deep,Vocal and pain
hopeless mind,hopeless pain
thoughts are controlling actions.
****** beds sheets and stained clothes
no food no help for me so it i beg god
hurries and shuts the coffin closed

DSmith


My one true love,proud from above

I am hiding behind enemy lines.
wasting money and of cause my life time
thoughts of you remind me that
you're mine. I am fine just sad from time to time
The one thing that helps me fight is the thoughts
that you are mine and one day we may reunite.



As you tug on each heart string


As you tug on my heart strings
ligature marks from blue ribbon string.
Why would i sing the lords praise,
I cry why would i sing that his name
was it all my fault i'm wondering,
Searching for the painless soul within

DSmith


So you are the people that rule the world


so you are the people who rule the world?
locking up young boys and girls....claiming,
that they are not well even though
they can see the real in the world
  there empty minds step on egg shells.
The evil in the world hides behind,
these boys and girls the ones who make
this world, S tay in the shadows or under shells
but no ones appealing to the self worth
and the ignorance just gets worse ..



DSmith



Scarecrow.

I have no body for me to show what i know,
i have had a few visitors but they come and go.
for what i am for i will never know
my hay is itchy my hat slanted
My arms are heavy there is a man on the path,
Maybe just maybe we could have a laugh...he's coming
I chant with glee he  would make a good friend for a girl or boy  
i can see something in his hand what can it be. We do not have any events planned oh no Oh NO CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! and the scarecrow drops.

DSmith

ANGEL FROM THE GROUND

I know from time to time you peer down
to watch me each day you become proud and think  wow look at him now
he's really getting on well no more drugs now making his daughters proud i sent a friend down to see you were okay and he said no angel can watch over other angels.


DSmith




So look at me now i look at my self proud i hold my cards close to my chest
but that's just me i always kept.
My feelings locked away some days i am sad, others i am glad i still remember you dad my daughters wont be ill make sure to tell what a great granddad they had.


DSmith



Mentally ill

so you want to know how the side effects make me feel.
I cant sit still, My eyes wonder
to one side so i am giving up
the will to fight.my muscle seize they turn to steal oh its nine o'clock time for medication. To lay these voices to rest get the pain of my chest lay back and let my mess take care of the rest


DSmith


Green green grass

They say the grass is greener on the other-side  i say it changes the demeanor
when two worlds collide.
the feeling of hope hides behind the prison, Of your mind to find out your the only one left behind

DSmith


Bullets

Bullets in the heart, razors slice the vein
is-it just me or is the world cruel.
were all the same passing buck and shifting blame...
A penny for your thoughts or a shot to the brain. Suffering, sufferings so they claim society is twisted. No respect ...its a shame... slit your wrist and soon you will see. You bleed red blood just like me.


DSmith

Pitter patter


Pain is not having a plan,
Pain is not having the man that brought you before this here land.
I could not see his plan now he's gone i've searched the sky, seas and sands.
Before i stand before you whether you like it or not the 16 th of may he decided it was time for me to be a man.
You could have told me i would have held your hand....
I have no choice,no voice and no sound of that man. Nor heart beat no pitter patter of his feet.
He left this life he thought it would be better but it all ended in defeat no more drunk days roaming the streets of more pitter patter from his and Ana's feet Night dad have a nice sleep.


DSmith




Sentenced to life in my head.


So what gives up the right
to say your health is alright but, your head is wrong...Alright how can you tell me you have lived my life.
Have you ever had the choice to carry on and fight or just sit there why tears flood your eyes. Have you ever cried your self to sleep because there no knifes, razors or pills to eat my sickness need more than prescription.. Try my shoes and how far can make cover over in a days mission are you sure let me help you down from your high horse what right do you have to judge me your the one with the devil on your back.


DSmith


Contemplating life


I do not want live this life
so i it and contemplate
this knife. To cut myself it would feel so right.
it feels so good like the holing of ice,
it just feels so right have you ever tried to take your life just to be on section the next night with these demons everyday i have to fight they tell me **** your self your not worth it i say i am not no where near perfect but i know my children are worth it  



DSmith



Ghost


Okay there was better ways to leave
I know but as I swing there,
pigments of ghost. I remain where I stay
till i heard from the ghost it whispers....
I loved you, the most. It was my time to go your time to shine please do not, Feel hate because I left you behind .

You was the best accomplishment in my
life as i lay here draining of life.. remember me for the things that went right.



DSmith



So here I am

So here i am once again,
Finding my self aimless
nothing else but shame,
I ask my self once, Twice
and over and over to stand here
rendered with heart ache, The same
heart ache that got me locked away in
in medium secure locked away safe and sound.. tap tap tap Daryll the devils calling.


DSmith


The howling past

The wind it echoes from cave to cave
gusting past like a hawk in prey.
The wind swoops to the lower level,with
each and every tattered feathers it flies by no matter the weather.

DSmith


domestic abuse


what would you class as abuse or the fact that the other half gave you the noose and tightened it so tight the no slipping loose the very way they make you feel good for a while, They put you down with cute insults.
Back to hate at the end of the day, The way they make you feel good to knock you down, they hit you and tell you its all your fault or they did it because they love you either way .....you know what i have to say... that's domestic abuse.

DSmith

flowers

This flower is me,
Freshly picked, Yesterday
vibrant and pink vibrant an
free, Alive and kicking but now is dead,
withered.......Dead petals, No leafs
gone into its self, just like me
i saw a lot of what the world was yesterday now i've given up,
the fight just a me!

written by


DSmith

I see you.

I can taste your blood.
I even smell it, I smell it in the air.
i even kept that snippet of your hair
i watch you as you sleep, I watch you as you eat.... i even like those socks that let your toes peak.
i can taste your blood I can smell it in the air.
First i'll remove your scalp, Even remove each hair, i'll slice my knife right through you leaving you for dead.
Cut you in to pieces and even freeze your head, I'll skin your legs and arms and even cut off your face  and then ill serve it to one of your mates i hear you begging, begging to be saved
I'll bury you in a field with unmarked graves...quick call the police before its all but to late.

DSmith

The Church


The church peaks over the trees the grass is long but a light  shade of green, The birds seek food then they fly away.
Looking out there's not one cloud in the sky. The moon can be seen ever so wide I look up for answers of what to do with my life.


DSmith


Freedom


I can hear the voices, To me they sing.
I can see the door I also feel the wind.
I look beyond the window ,from which were caged in.
I can feel the people in all there thoughts that spare
A hopeless Abis. I call but no one answers this.
I scream I shout but only because I'm scared.
I'm free I'm out I pray I never go back there.

DSmith

Stars


I look up to the stars wishing that i at least knew where to start. deep down in my heart i knew we were both doomed, Doomed from the start do not look within me nor check if i have a heart its cold out here in my world of hatred and dark.


DSmith


Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star

Twinkle Twinkle daddy's little star.
Sometimes i wonder where you are,
if you're sad or having a cry or having a laugh.
Other times i do not let you in because it becomes to hard.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star
I picture you dancing singing on my bed jumping up and down and then the pain again all starts.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star i miss you so much it feels wrong to laugh.

DSmith

Fate


There's no need to cut me down
I lay there in higher ground.
These beams of light **** in every
Bit of my life. I live In a dream of no God, nor light
No pain, no more voices for my pain to hide behind.
I hang here on the truth of mind. I hanging here
Just not caring what I left behind.



DSmith




Medium lock down and i'm loving it now



White jackets is the idea you get,
Needles in and restraints to forget,
i've been here a week now'
On a medium secure lock down ward shuffled walks everybody talks to voices that you  cant listen to talk,
Broken down minds obscure thoughts to be rebuilt, By medication and mind manipulation. Cheers to a life with no fair trail ..Were guilty without reason...

hey say their here to help
but stab you in the back
and twist it in, oh ever so kind
professional silver spooned
ignorant mind..
these people as we are..they are no longer of sound mind. Being held against
their will in a prison worse than hell.
in a places with no thoughts no control
but an over taken mind,
but this does not mean we are not worth your time.


DSmith


Dear mummy


Mummy why wont you hug me,
Mummy why cant i call you..
Mummy this is no longer funny,
Mummy what have I done?
Mummy why do  you not
love your son?...
Mummy why am i missing you?
mum this is your son please grow up
and be a mum.
Mum i guess don you not want to meet your son ....I HATE YOU MUM!!
MUM what are you doing here i wish it was you laying in my dads grave...
My sister calls ... mummy's dead..why is mummy dead...
Mummy why are you dead?
I wish i could take away every painful thing that i said.

Mummy i miss you I wish you were here.
the hopes of a reunion fade with each tear


DSmith


Its all but a dream


I wake up and see it was all but a dream,
But i have not got a clue,
why i have not shred one tear from my eyes.. I remember when you left when i was young. You said "look to the moon and blow a kiss and i will do the same my son" i look up to the sky i look for the moon and i feel to cry, but my tears run dry whats the point i feel better thinking you're not dead


DSmith




Silence was your plan


Some say suicide is selfish.
some say suicide makes you less of a man.deep own no one can see you pain,
I know you was not right so all I know is the pain you endured in your life was just to great...
you know it kind of feels nice knowing i was the relative in your eyes...
I have come to terms, That you have passed but that does, not mean i do not wish you were here  but i know you're watching now with pride and peace.    

DSmith




eyes that cry


Eyes that cried every night
see you thought you could hide
"but you cant hide" I knew you was not quite right.
I am a strong believer in life after death,
As well as the afterlife, when i go to your grave it just does not feel right.
i know you're still here peeking if only i could see what you are seeing.


DSmith




All chocked up

I am all chocked up ligature marks from this rope that hold my only hope, i am lost and broken the devil in side of me is awoken


DSmith


suicidal mind


Let me let you in on one of my thoughts,
Left out here alone, I am empty and lonely. only to be shed no empathy here i am still remaining empty. no shredding tears as m weakness is my only enemy...
I would get out of bed but the voices wont leave my head... they leave me with no energy, I wake up just to feel dead when i sleep i just sleep to hear you speak,
I remain in a dream, alone,empty and low self esteem...
why do i wake up praying it was all a dream just to look out side and be slapped with reality


DSmith



suicide suicide

Suicide is when two worlds collide
crying eyes,bottled up on the inside
locked in a prison locked inside your mind.



DSmith



Tears from each eye.


late at night i sit there and cry,
Questioning life who, What, Where and why must i carry on.
When i cannot scream nor shout,
Why must i fight, Why cant i leave with out thinking what i would leave behind
it was your time to shine that's why i cry most nights i would rather die than have to live this life, This lie.
My world could have meaning but no my earth dies screaming that why my life is here for me to die.


DSmith


I am trying i really am


I am moving on "well i am trying"
I am moving on only gods know why i have not started grieving or crying.
"whats the point"
"I guess it don't hurt enough"
"why oh why"
it still hurts just not enough.
"yes oh yes i am crying"
"but no more am i trying"
there is no point in telling
my self to start crying
"whats the point "
"i guess it would be lying"


DSmith


  Embrace the bliss


As i hang from these beams,
Falling in to the deepest dreams'
the sun is shining i can see the beams.
Its more beautiful than it could ever seem.
as the air leaves my tar filled lungs
I think of you when you were young,
My heart speeds and then slows.
my fingers tingle then go numb,
NO more struggling no more pain.

Daryll its not your fault let your self grow old and your hair go grey and you self get wiser as you get older.

you will always be my toy soldier,
keep on marching till your children are older there love for you will only grow bolder.

DO NOT LET IFE REMOVE YOU FROM ITS FOLDER.
Picture this, no more pain my life s over remember this just sit back and embrace the bliss.

  DSmith  


unspoken words

Silence many unspoken words,
but not a sound can be heard.
Greed another word for gain
fame another word for vain
deathly walks, A life from stalks
why should we have not a choice
to abort.


DSmith



The real world.

nothing as it seems, Were all asleep
life's but a dream, blues of red and reds of green.
life's but a dream what if i told you the sea was grey the trees not green...
Would you say i am crazy or living a dream, the world is full of love and happiness ..now whose crazy and living in a dream as i say victims cry and sufferers scream is this a nightmare or a repetitive dream.


DSmith



only time will tell

Only time will tell, what if I get ill,
and spend the rest of my life un-well
as I climb i've already fell, I faded away i wake up to cry just to go to sleep to die


DSmith


another suicide scare


Endless suffocation lost in the mix up of a
broken generation, See I claim I am a different kind of patient, i am sat here face full of fake emotion my life goes round in a upside down kind of motion i try to hang my self but the rope turned out to be gods token to hand me a life line I look back I thank god for the real man he has awoken.

DSmith



flower draped



Each day I am dying,
Each day I am crying,
The devil sees me an
mocks my crying,
I try to take my life he
whispers to me,
Why are you trying?
take that knife and start
slicing stick in and twist it
i have your soul i hope you miss
it is this hell or heaven do you
really want to risk it i have but two word your dead i think could this be worse
next time you see me ill be in a flower draped hurst.


DSmith



  As i take these pills

So as i drop this pill i realise i am ill,
I cant sleep does this mean i am ill?
calm -down, chill, but these nightmares are ore than real  sleep deprivation is the very reason i am ill,
So i guess its time to drop another anti psychotic pill oh that my life i love being mentally ill.


DS
My book https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?ref_component=mbasic_home_header&ref_page=MMessagingThreadlistController&refid=11
daryll smith Dec 2020
I know what I've done.
What the pauses are I've caused.
An still I cause more.
For my disappointment shows no flaws.
Each momental pause causes more pain than I never proceeded to mean to gain.
To the outside looking in I look fine "I'm surviving".
I try drugs. love and self escape.
Just to end up in the same place.
Suffering pain I can't take.
Was I meant for this or a cruel mistake.
Can I take pace on a path where I don't hate the sight of own face.
Replace the one who looks back the one with blue eyes not black and opaque.
Replace the pain and disgrace that peers back to my skin of grey drawn in cheeks
With veins that drugs leak from,
My tourniquet is the only thing that brings me back to norm.
Or should I say numb.
I'm sick!
Sick of holding on one more ml and soon I'm gone.
Every body's looking at my life wondering where they went wrong how they regret how we never got on another soul or ashes blowing out in the sun.
daryll smith Apr 2018
I have put this fund page together for a head stone for my father that committed suicide and to help achieve his dreams of me being published........please help every little helps as Tesco says.     https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/da-smith
https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/da-smith
daryll smith Apr 2019
I walk my life within endless dreams.
I float along like silence streams
I'm and out of all my dreams.
With every wave my thoughts escape.

Up and up and away with me.
My tears run away with me.
I walk my life within my dream.
I lose my mind "someone please drown me".
My pains and hate surround me.

In and out I flea my life. Till my life is sea and side.
I hope from source to main to sea.
I hope I can find inner-peace.
My voices is warm but my grip is cold.
My mind is weak. "Thoughts of social and serial"
My life longs achievements of life longs of bleak my streams run and feed to plants and meat I run I run within my dream the lonely life of a psychotic stream
daryll smith May 2019
"Daddy it's four years now".
"I would like to think I've made you proud"
But that I hardly doubt.
"I'm looking down to my children now"
How they're granddad is not on lower ground.
"How you would love them".
"Ava's two now and ana six now.
"their so pretty accept you can't see them now.
If only dad you could see some times I think about you and wonder if were here now.
"Would you still be the man you were?"
Maybe you started fresh no suicidal thoughts inside your head?".
I always guessed there's something beyond death.
But if that was true I could see you here hug you back listen to your heart study your breath.
Just one minute a word of what you did why you had to hang your self and why I had to live.
Daddy daddy I miss you now.
But daddy I also know why you didn't want to live.
A late good bye four year flew by.
You'll always be my hero.
My dad my king.
Good bye father the angels sing.
My dad
Suicide
4 years on the 16/05/15
daryll smith May 2018
Roses are red and blood two,
I think of you and wish I blue.
An i think to my self...
What's wrong with the woooorld!

Treeees are grrrreeen and I envy you toooo!
You're a better person than me in everything that you dooo!!!
An I think to my self...
I want oooout of-fff
Thisss wooorld!!!!!

Laces blue and now I'm blue too.
I cant bear this voice and I do not want too.
An I think to myself.....
The only one who can change meeeeee meeeeee meeeeee
Is my-------self!!!!

Dsmith
daryll smith Mar 2018
Page1
Once apon a time in a land far beyond the hills far beyond the trees there a family a family of royalty





Page2
A queen called Eliza, A king called Harrold A princess called Ava and a young man called Edward, Edward is the kings jester



Page3
One late afternoon the king calls edward to the knights table and he says Edward i want you to marry ava.




Page 4
"me sir?? me? "i cant do that she is pure and i am only but  jester..




Page 6
The king tells ava of his plan and she is delighted to be almost wed.



Page7
The next day king Harrold saw ava and edward in the garden .are you ready to marry my daughter Edward .." no" no way!! so the king is angered by this.






Page 8
So the king goes to the wizard that lives on the other side of the rolling hill... help me!!!!! the king exhales.
Page9
Slow down your majesty  i need help for my daughter to marry the man i wish her too the wizard  strokes  his long grey beard and says I have just the thing .. he hands him a black  silk bag ...But your majesty there are  risk ..



.
Page 10
Yeah yeah yeah says the king hurrying off he goes back to the castle. He arrives at the castle and runs to the kitchen when eliza is cooking. He pours the potion in to the stew and waits .




.page11
Everybody joins the king and queen for dinner Edward ate his so fast you should see steam coming off his arms.




Page12
later that night the king walks in to a room with the princess and jester in ad he say ..are you ready to marry my daughter .....NO... then there was a loud crash and  cloud of  smoke Edward was now a pile of  sand the king runs to the wizard what have you done ....
Page13
I did and warn you sir ....if the person who drunk the serum fights the love then they will be banished as the sand man .... now what?




Page 14
every night when princesses called Ava cant sleep. The sand man will come and sprinkle sand in each eye to help them sleep.


Written by Daryll Smith
My children love this
daryll smith Mar 2016
see the mirror in your eyes don't explain
the pain and cries
the what if the whys why should i try
why should i not cry so
we try t hide what we feel inside whats the point
why hide the cries yes you here your not left be hind think positive whip the tears Fromm your eyes you should feel lucky your living and alive
daryll smith May 2018
She's beautiful.
She draws me in.
Her voice is delicate whispers like a summers wind.
She laughs awkwardly but she holds her tongue politely even when I'm wrong..
There's something just in side me.
With my heart yours belongs.
For every word you say I hang so dearly.
She's beautiful she draws me in razor blade laceration just above my wrist.
Dsmith
daryll smith Apr 2018
I still remember the day i stepped of the bus they call it a sweat box. "I do not really understand why it is called that but i was freezing all i had on was a t-shirt and some track suit bottoms. no shoes socks or coat they took them for evidence.
I was greeted with 4 dogs and 7 officers  I really did not want to enter those doors to this hell hole and i can tell that and i have not even been inside yet. I started shouting and screaming then they pulled their radio out and pressed a button and within seconds their was more offices than i could count...
They dragged me to the floor then took me to a room. Then sent me to the induction wing. I remember that feeling there was people everywhere smoking drinking coffee, laughing, shouting and many just sitting on their own. I thought to my self no way i really wanna go home I am guessing this is when it hit home there was no chance of that so I picked my kit bag up, ran out of my cell ran down to the metal air lock. I kicked pulled and punched to try and get it to open.

By this stage everyone was watching laughing i was hysterical. the kangas (officers) were running down the landing. They grabbed then they restrained me again.I thought to my self you are not doing to well are you?  "today is not my day". They marched me to the critical assessment unit to assess my mental state. I sat there in silence I swore I was not taking to anyone. Plus the voices lead me to believe. That they were going to sell my brain to the government.

The next couple of days i as nursed in my cell due to the decline in my mental state.
then they took me back to house unit 3 then locked my door i remember laying there thinking whats next do **** my self to which the voices would agree? man up and deal with it. can it get any-worse surly not....
the next day wednesday 20th i got up looked around my cell and they unlocked my door i had just boiled the kettle when three lads walked into my cell.
One grabbed my arm, the other my neck ..with my one arm that was free, I leaned forward bearly breathing and threw the kettle over the lad that was holding my left arm then the lads ran off again..
I did not think much about... Its 11:30 an lunch time i went down to the que suddenly, I felt a stabbing pain in my back I put my hand on it n i was bleeding then the same pain again this took my breath away then I became weak started to feel light headed.......
i am terribly sorry readers, but this its David's mother he passed away....  he suffered three stab wounds all penetrating organs of which they could not help him with as the damage was to  just to great
daryll smith Mar 2018
I still remember the day i stepped of the bus they call it a sweat box. "I do not really understand why it is called that but i was freezing all i had on was a t-shirt and some track suit bottoms. no shoes socks or coat they took them for evidence.
I was greeted with 4 dogs and 7 officers  I really did not want to enter those doors to this hell hole and i can tell that and i have not even been inside yet. I started shouting and screaming then they pulled their radio out and pressed a button and within seconds their was more offices than i could count...
They dragged me to the floor then took me to a room. Then sent me to the induction wing. I remember that feeling there was people everywhere smoking drinking coffee, laughing, shouting and many just sitting on their own. I thought to my self no way i really wanna go home I am guessing this is when it hit home there was no chance of that so I picked my kit bag up, ran out of my cell ran down to the metal air lock. I kicked pulled and punched to try and get it to open.

By this stage everyone was watching laughing i was histerical. the kangas (officers) were running down the landing. They grabbed then they restained me again.I thought to my self you are not doing to well are you?  "today is not my day". They marched me to the critical assessment unit to assess my mental state. I sat there in silence I swore I was not taking to anyone. Plus the voices lead me to believe. That they were going to sell my brain to the goverment.

The next couple of days i as nursed in my cell due to the decrease in my mental state.
then they took me back to house unit 3 then locked my door i remember laying there thinking whats next do **** my self to which the voices would agree? man up and deal with it. can it get any-worse surly not....
the next day wednesday 20th i got up looked around my cell and they unlocked my door i had just boiled the kettle when three lads walked into my cell.
One grabbed my arm, the other my neck ..with my one arm that was free, I leaned forward bearly breathing and threw the kettle over the lad that was holding my left arm then the lads ran off again..
I did not think much about... Its 11:30 an lunch time i went down to the que suddenly, I felt a stabbing pain in my back I put my hand on it n i was bleeding then the same pain again this took my breath away then I became weak started to feel light headed.......
i am terribly sorry readers, but this its David's mother he passed away....  he suffered three stab wounds all penetrating organs of which they could not help him with as the damage was to  just to great
daryll smith Mar 2016
so you are the people that rule the world
locking  up boys and girls claiming they ain't well even thou they can see the world
empty mind and broken shells   the evil in this world hides in boys and girl the making in the world stays in there shells of the hurt and pain another bullet in another brain
because one more person cant endure the pain of them selves
we all smile but we all bleed the same god speed to you all
another boy another girl every three second claimed the government should be appalled let alone ashamed
daryll smith Mar 2016
so we live to die have you ever wondered why
we make numerous of sacrifices have you ever asked why
its easier to set ourselves to overdrive so why sit around a cry
when you can drive at 20 and still die
yh every one smiles and everyone cries
people ask us why are you still alive and
you nod  smile and reply aright
but i ask myself the same question every night is it
high enough would i die from that height
daryll smith Apr 2019
I'm flying "take me away"
I'm flying "if only for the day"
I'm crying "for goodness sake"
I'm crying " for everything I dreamed of".

Take me away"I need love for my heart to feel pain".
Take me away " to a place where I can escape".

Take me to a place "Where my life is not based on survival for someone else's fate".
Take me to a place "where my life is not for goodness sake".


I'm flying "take me away".
I'm flying "take me to a place where my life was never a mistake.

Take me away "I need to fight".
Take me away "to a place where my sanity is not base on my everyday life".
daryll smith Apr 2018
I'm looking to find away to escape
With out giving in and letting nature take me away... away with the clouds above this world to another of diamonds and pearls.
A place where I can be  me give my worry up and begin a free new me.
A place of diamond floors and pearly gates...
Then from this nightmare I'll finally awake.
Please take me to a place where I matter.
Where my life isn't for goodness sake
A place where everybody awaits a place with love, A place with kind a place i can never make one mistake.
A place where loving me was never a mistake.
A place where the angels play.
A place of harp
A place humans with all pure hearts.

Daryll smith
Next page