All my favorite writers
are vacant from this space
there is no trace
their heart felt out pours
crushed under a wave
of generic love poems
of fast writen mud
I scroll past
empty rhyme after empty rhyme
where are you?
where did my poetic friends go?
We broke like the last splash
on the shore of a dried up lake
These new words feel fake
to those whose souls I loved
I hope you are still penning
somewhere
I hope your ink still stains pages
and that someday
I'll read your names in a book
or I'll find you on a journey
and once again hear your words
that sent my heart
into a flurry

I smoke my cigarettes
like I want to die
I keep my secrets
buried in my spine
your name still falls from my lips
I can't eclipse it
I can't eclipse it
people ask questions
what can I say
I'm okay ay ay
empty bed
cold sheets
nobody laying next to me
restless dreams
torn seams
from all the love I have
leaking away
if you want my thoughts
crawl through my ears
before I disappear

I've taken falls for all the wrong people
I've broken walls but there is no equal
to tearing down my own
to tearing down my own

my scars ache
thin, raised lines
on my right thigh
run like railroad tracks
crossing maps

a little crease
on the third digit
of my index finger
speaks with more conviction
than some people

the one growing out
from the corner
of my left eye
a permanent squint mark
like a part of me is
always laughing

the fresh burn on my
shoulder, feeling bolder
the word "older" seeping
under my skin

my scars ache
thin raised lines
run like railroad tracks
crossing maps

do they come back?
      do they ever
                   come
                         back?

Taco Bell was the only thing I ate today
thought it was going to be a good day but it turned out not so great,
I've already got a lot of **** on my plate and now I got big fat weight
to stomach
and I'm just a skinny dude, my plates heavy enough, **** it
I can barely eat half a meal when I try
I'm at my limits, and I don't know if you can see it in my eye
but I'm pretty close and it's just a feeling like
I'll never be the same again
I'll never be on top, I'll never be a president or anything important
I just feel like a ******* and figured I'd record it

in this empty house, just my ****
and I'm kinda gunna miss it, but it's business
to get my own mission
I find myself wishing
that I was more than a white kid at a sandwich shop
with no schemes, or ideas, or dreams
no revolutions on how to get my ****
on the right track
Feel's like I'm falling right back
to the same conundrum, my old problems man I thought I stumped 'ummmm,
thought moving out would solve 'em but it didn't really
it even brought new problems like bills and money
and I don't know if I can get it done cause
I'm a dumby....

I'm rappin' over old school beats like Eminem
I'll even make sure I sound like him
cause I'm rippin' him off
I'll even use one of his lines under my cough
cough cough chicka slim shady
come on, sue me man, come hate me
I don't have lawyers, but I'll fight you on the street, daily
and afterwards I'll hurt myself on your property and sue you so you
have to pay me.
That's right, I'm the new slim shady cause you lost that side
he straight up died and got reborn inside my mind
now whose shaking and quaking like they don't want their spine cracked
you want your sick mind back?
Then listen to my raps...

She whispered to the metal gears
and machine parts.
An incantation fell
from her glossy lips.
Each long held L
and calming O,
every soft, vibrating V,
and gentle E,
plopped onto the cogs,
slipped into the cracks.
Suddenly, the machine melted,
the grey steel becoming red muscle,
the whole contraption
wrapped up in blood vessels.
No longer rusted, my heart surged,
turned human once again.

I'm trapped in that place
blips and zings shooting out
lights thick enough to take up space
All I can hear is that bass and a sample
shouting, "Drop it to the floor make that
*** shake!"
Suddenly it's a competition
everyone asking, "Yeah, well
how many did you take?"

I feel them cranking up the noise
watch those costumed beauties
listening to the sample auto reverse
grinding up on those boys
"that's an *** quake!"
joy, joy, joy
we all got down to business
as if we were Mercy employees

Back at the hotel rooms the track
drops again, taking hold
of my brain in the back and
rocking my head side to side
I can't stop this feeling like
somehow I got trapped
in trap

ashes from spliffs,
smoked at night to
make me water spilling
off a cliff,
waft in the breeze
that is me.
crumpled papers crunch
underneath bare feet,
deceased trees smothered
in new meanings.
empty six packs stack,
cardboard towers guarding
against attack,
old bags, newspaper ads,
a half-full coffee cup
stands tall by the entry,
waiting for commands,
sacrificed to dispel sleep,
towels lay thrown in corners
with acted malice
an attempt to practice
being callus.
this in no apartment
it is a
trash palace.

Time changes leave me lost,
a time traveller unsure of his whereabouts,
the hand of his watch deceiving.
Leaving yet another temporal plane,
desperate to return to the ground
tread by my lover's feet,
to rest my head on her shoulder.
I fly back in time,
rewind just a little,
our connection will reel me in,
grab my ethereal string
and pull me into her bed.

many illegal substances
have coursed through my veins
but the one that's killing me
can be bought totally legally
at any gas station
while legal drug lords
bathe in the spoils
made out of me
and this pack of
Turkish Royals

Consistant honesty,
something I lacked
when I was a younger me.
But now I find it hard
to bite my tongue,
so eager to roll out
a frank wound or
two.
Or blow out a cloud of,
"I don't agree."
I have to stand up for me.
If that nonstop candor
is really what you
crave,
then come back and
let me drool out
consistant honesty.

I've got to be real with you
because I've never
been one to be fake
Telling the truth is messy
but it's a risk I'm willing
to take.
I've done my fair share of
forceful forgetting, taking
smoke and pills straight
to my face.
If you see this mom, I hope
I'll still be your son
and not a disgrace
not just another mistake
Like the marriage you lost
to alcohol, a pack of lies
costing four dollars and
sixty-nine cents, and a foot
too slow on the brakes

I can't tell you I've always
been good, acting like
I knew I should, no
I've lied a million times
I've cut a million lines
the carcinogens burning my eyes
till I go blind
I used to want help but
now I scream to the world
"I'm fine!" and ya know what
I just might be lying
it wouldn't be the first time.

But a brain in altered states
doesn't know it's in a cage
it feels like ink flying
ripping away from the page
or the main act on the
main stage.
So don't look on me with hate
or pity, or disgust
I'm doing the best I can
I'll move and change my name
if I must, but I swear one
day, I'll be okay
in that you can trust
and if you see me now, Ed
just know that even though
you are dead, all the things
I've done to erase my past
you're still sitting inside
my head, I still dream you
up while laying in my bed
I hope out of everyone
you understand everything
I've said. because I'd hate
to let
you
down

Sitting in the bathtub,
face flush, warm like the water,
as I sink in further
I think of you,
off on your adventure,
and wish the moon, like a bow,
could shoot me across the sky,
a flash of light
that you see with delight,
until I fall down at your feet,
my journey complete,
returned home again
at last.

The muscles in the corner
of my left eye have started to
twitch
incessantly
destroying my concentration
robbing me of the sleep
I already don't get
every time I almost drift off
pop, pop, pop
go the muscles
This little annoyance
is the greatest struggle

Two left feet have me
walking crooked
calculated my chance,
took it.
I've always been poor
at math.

drove up the coast
to set foot once again
in San Luis Obispo
took acid, played a digeridoo
felt like an ******* when
she gave me a present from Spain
and I left her book
hundreds of miles away
then drank and drank
jungle juice, Jameson
whatever was in the keg
bruised my legs
and maybe my heart a little too
because now that I'm
back in Long Beach
I don't know what to do
I feel so...empty
like I've been pouring myself out
since I left home
and the last drops
have been dashed
on the
sidewalk

I like 40's
you like 40's
we should drink 40's together
40's ounces of malt liquor
a couple sips and I be feeling better
once I got one down let's crack another
let's drink some 40's together

one of my roommates
is very similar to a mom
except he doesn't nag to help
he bags when things aren't his way
I gotta say
it annoys the **** out of me
like, he lives with two other people
it requires bending
compromising
learning
not constant complaining
or telling me how to do dishes
despite the fact that I never leave
dishes in the sink
(It's him and the other guy)
plus I worked in a restraunt
I've done a thousand dishes
and I do them better
ugh
I'm just hung over
and complaining
but ******* A
let me be

It seems that human beings
are full of hate
It breaks my heart
every single day and
makes me want to run away
to a cave in the mountains

I've finally made
a piece of music that
breaks my heart
to play.

mumbled words induce a trance
a sullen glance at annoyance
then decide on smoky existence

foggy images invade my sleep
I groggily creep into a new day
then fade, transparent, shade
flirting from bed to bus
bus to desk and back again
am I like the crew seen
by the Mariner in his Rime?
Has the flow of sublime powers
slipped like a frog to water
left me feeling, further and
further?

I hate the phrase
"College is the time to try new things"
because it excludes the idea that
you can try new things your entire life

i just want to write
pour out this feeling in my gut
I can't keep it stomached
but a good line
I can't seem to make up

I feel like I repeat myself
over and over when I write
each poem becomes about
staying up at night
wondering about my lack
of friends and my
heading toward a dead end
but I really can't understand
why I've lived here for three months
and have met no one
besides my two roommates
No one relates or sees that
I'm good company
and it's not like I don't try
I do, I sit next to people and
try and get to know them
I smile, I joke
I be me
but I'm so, so
lonely
it's suffocating
it's heart breaking
it's devastating
when I can't pick up my phone
and call someone to just
kick it
I used to think that
I had to learn to like being alone
I did
now alone time is all I get
what the ****
what the ****
what the ****
what the ****
what
the
****

been alone a lot lately
no new friends to keep me company
maybe when school starts
I'll open up and touch a few hearts
but right now it's just me,
my mind, and my body
which I'm working on every day
you know what they say
look good, feel good
burning calories like fire wood
sweating out toxins like
I know I should

Something is missing

In an hour and quarter
I'll be officially older than you

I stopped smoking ****,
thinking that it was at fault
for the empty swirling,
I felt
like I wanted to curl into a ball
at my feet, and disappear
I haven't gotten drunk in weeks,
hoping it was alcohol that
elongated my funk and stole
crows feet from eye corners,
I quit all substances that could
make my mind turn in on itself,
I thought it would help,
make the world clear,
but that empty swirling is
still
here.

I didn't mean to
take a piece of you
much less such an important
component of your circulatory system
how does your blood pump
from head to toe?
why did you let it go?
My hands are soaked in its
blood
staining my pillows so
I'll mail it to you
by plane,
I can say
I gave you one last flight
before
leaving

I miss all my old friends

Seething in me
troubles aggravate
so irate
******* A
now I want nothing more
than to be no where at all
ditch this town
give the finger to Long Beach
be a ******* ***
under an over pass
the last stop on a bus
going abso-*******-lootly
no where

chairs don't get enough credit
nor do beds, who witness
ever accumulating sleep debt
we've let flying with the clouds
go from fantasy to unnoticed
head bent constantly because of phones
speaking in hushed tones to
the person on the other line
while we decline away from the public
a distructive inability to communicate
face to face
or hold conversations
completely connected, yet disconnected
is what this world has become

Wicked forms
dark as dark can be
in count of
one more than three
leave me
leave me
I've been haunted
enough

the staircase wails
at the weight
when I ascend
my feet boulders
blocking any pearly gate
the sheets rend
as I toss and turn
cigarette burns on my forearm
someone snipped the yarn
that kept me connected
I'm not sure I plan
to fix it

I'm a wreck
I'm ******
I stare in the mirror wishing it was
a truck
I want the headlights
in my blue eyes
I want to sleep with her
in my arms tonight
******* it this *****
I'm friendless here
I'm drunk here
I'm faded and jaded
misplaced and disgraced
I want a fresh start
I want a new brain
With less thoughts and feelings
less staring at the ceiling
Lately all I can imagine is Eddie
and Ryan and Alyssa
she hung herself
Ryan ODed
Eddie in a car crash
Grandpa Jerry in surgery
Grandma Cherry in her sleep
Grandpa Con soon after Eddie's retreat
Come on Death, give me a break
or give me a grave
or give me another beer
so I can disappear

I got to PolySci
a little too high
dark glasses over eyes
even though eye drops
were applied
I tried to reach out
find a friend, maybe two
but nothing came
who knew that the
"You'll make friends quickly" Dan
would fail so miserably
now it's "back of the bus music up"
Dan
who plays guitar four hours a day
and doesn't even care where his phone
is because no one here
will text me
anyway

hacking coughs rack my body
forcing sleep to evade me
just give me some loving company
please
please
please

When I get high my songs all ****
I'm nervous for an audience that
doesn't even exist
But I feel like a million bucks
giggling like a school boy
interested by the dumbest ****
Trying to figure myself out
by staring in the mirror
then rearrange the interior
and pour water on my eyes
to try to see clearer

search through the fog
brought on by bottles filled
with poison or potion
lay yourself to rest
beneath the frozen ground
bow down to death
an unlikely friend
take the rotting hand
leave this land far behind
far
far
behind