heart torn in half
dream of future
reminisce on past
emotionally unsure

this isn't what Jesus meant
when he said a kingdom
divided cannot stand
but the truth still resounds

my heart skips when she smiles
or laughs or talks or breathes
but with equal strength I collapse
when the thought of the other calls

love was meant for one
two war for my mind
will the past return
or has the future won?

Sitting beside you for hours 
and talking about nothing 
that meant everything
is something worth missing. 

The way you scrunch up
your face when you laugh 
uncontrollably and the sound
that's adorable to only me
is something worth knowing. 

I've never met someone else
who cared enough to think
of me through the night
just because she thought 
I was something worth her time.

Laying on the floor crying
because I can't get your
flawless image from my mind
when you're clearly gone
is not worth our time. 

I'm truly sorry I faded
in and out of your life.
I wasted your time.
Your love was simplicity 
and I complicated it.

Raging, staging, contemplating and waiting.
Bleeding out seeds from knees that heed not one thing
****** up.
Roughed up.
Rain Falling from eyes that sting
Sing
Of heart ache of heart break
Starving
Silent.
Why vent.
Holding on to hell
They call it life
But it's not, it's a well
Can you tell
From the smell
Of broken dreams and torn seams
And wrists bleed and ghosts seen
Compassion snapping
Planes crashing
Sea water splashing
Waves
Waves of pain
Of shame
Of heart break
Of tear stains
Insane
I am
Always will be
Always reeling
Always sealing
Lips closed
I know
That you know that I'll go
Chest snow
Chest dust
Chest rust
Hollow
I swallow
I try
I swallow
I breathe
I see
I bleed
Never dying, always crying
Always trying always spying
Why're you lying
Fear
You see her
But don't see her
I don't see her
But I see her
Happiness
Not mine
But it's fine
I don't mind, to die
But why is it so slow
Why must I go
I don't know
All I am is bad
All I am is sad
I'm so sorry I get mad
You don't deserve to be treated bad
My heart breaks
Millions of pieces
Of your name
In blood stains
This story is all the same
I'm just trying to show you
That I am insane

And now I sink.
A feeling of deeply drifting.
Wrapped in warmth.
In Hugs of love.
Am I on drugs.

No In a dream.
I always dream.
Love is but a mere fantasy.
Liquid sunshine beats on my window.
Yet again.

Perhaps a breath of fresh air.
A spot of cobweb extraction.
The feisty rain is lifting me.
Up from my drifting kip.
Before I sink again.


My eyes are closing now.
As a bud they're shutting tight!
Goodnight!
By ladylivvi1

© 2014 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)

I can't sleep
With the flashbacks
Playing itself in my mind

Hearing every tease
Every insult
Every threat
That was said to me

Seeing the times when
I felt horrible
Alone
Useless
And hurt

They play themselves
Again and again
Until the tears would stream
Down my cheek
Rolling over
Eventually falling asleep

Sometimes when my mind drifts
it goes back to endless hallways
and that all too familiar scent
overtakes my senses

My spine actually cringes
at the thought of the needles
piercing the central nervous system
they forgot to numb

my thoughts swim in the pools
that formed in my mother's eyes
as she quoted the neurologist
"your son is dying."

I can still taste the confusion
that drowned my confidence
and left me wondering
if it'll ever resurface

my dreams never stopped crying,
if they even have the chance to exist
they're nothing short of terrifying,
nightmares replaced the rest

it's odd that I can remember
the sickness that consumed me
but completely and utterly forget
the happiness that prequeled it

we place immeasurable weight
on worthless unnecessaries
mindsets carousel pointless
reverberation off desolate hearts

school, jobs, money, houses,
cars, clothes, shoes, religion, media,
materialistic vacancy

food is waste
shelter is empty
water is dead

I don't want to survive
if I'm not alive

I miss you.

Though I've never felt your touch,
or heard your laugh,
or seen you cry,
or had a deep talk late into the night.

My chest literally aches physically
as I'm longing to be the one
you call when you need someone
and the one you know as your own.

How can a heart miss someone
it's never even known?
you have reshaped my ideas
and become my definition of love.

I miss you so
though you would never know
how my soul yearns for you
because you are not my reality.

I miss you so much.

It definitely was not a first kiss
     innocent and pure and so
          eagerly anticipated.
It could not have been a last kiss
     tragic and cold and so
           easily forgotten.
It was a kiss of death
It was a kiss of life
It was a kiss unlike any
     living
     breathing
     pulsing
     pulling
     shocking
     teasing
     reality
It was a kiss of a dream
     with a stranger or maybe
            with a danger
Left me
     aching
     burning
     yearning
     more or less....