and so i lay here
reminiscing about how beautiful
that evening was

the orangey-red scheme
and how it made your eyes look warmer
than usual
and as you spoke it hurt
but i was happy
knowing
that you were there
with me in that moment
and you
possibly
won’t forget me..






amor eterno

it was an orangey-red kinda scheme in the sky
that evening
that evening that
“changed our lives for the better”
which was subjective.

you told me you didn’t cheat
but you found somebody else
that needed love and care
and more perspective in life,
one that shouldn’t be tied down..

needed to get out there and discover..

and it was you.






you found yourself and you lost me

she wrote all there was to write
and she moved to song that her father used to listen to
beach rock
their favorite.
she missed him

she looked up from her desk
then to the side at the waste paper basket
full of failed poems..
walked over to her bed

and kept one finger on a low key
on his Casio until something struck her.

and we went in your moms Honda
and i called you baby the whole way and
you loved it and
we spoke some deep ish for a while about the past rather than the future
we’re both afraid for what earth has in store for us
i reassured you that i have and always will love you
and then i touched a nerve
and you didn’t want to kiss me anymore

so i kinda just watched the moon past the hill
on a boulder
and looked at the city
as a couple ants started crawling up on one of my shoelaces



we both thought about how we could’ve been kissing already.
but we’re both somewhat stubborn so none of us brought it up.

so i walked down the stupid hill
as you played with your bracelet.

i walked outside with poisonous thoughts within my cranium
get over yourself
i went outside in hopes of getting air
youre choking
and switching my focus from you
and also to avoid...you
but you came back



let me disappear.

i took a solemn, slow walk down the
sidewalk in front of your apartment
and i saw her,

intimidating at first but beautiful
in black lace,
Death,

sitting in a bookstore skimming through a book about Life,
oh they were an inseparable pair but
oh she was magnificent

but after contemplating for some time
i realized that in order
to be truly happy,

i must meet her.

he took the blindfold off
and tears welled up in her big hazel eyes
and he held her rosy cheeks
and told her that he genuinely loved her
and she was happy that he went through all the trouble
for the surprise

and then he said
but there’s more
and she got excited and
he put the blindfold back on
as he said wait till you see this part

and there was no more anything.



because it was make-believe after all

i have walked many planets
and their moons
taking time to ponder on my
love for the generous universe.

every night i’d watch the sun transition
and i loved it when it came and even
when it went..
and i was content with the stars.

until i saw you arrive
on a near planet..
and you came out

my astronaut man
with all the planets on strings like
giant balloons

and you approached me and knelt on one knee
as you asked to explore the rest of the universe with me.



there is so much to see my love

she stared out at the vast openness of the
sea
so much and so little
as far as she could see
reminding herself of something too familiar..

she stepped onto the ledge of the
ever-sinking boat
and took a step into the ocean
to finally feel something
at last
to nothing
at all.


she looked so beautiful, vulnerable, and willing
all at once
as each air bubble escaped through
those blue lips

if love were a food,
what would it be..?

since when
did
sin
taste so
good my love..

its unusual
the earth said to the girl in a gentle voice through the breeze
unlike others that trek though my valleys
and wade past my streams..
your tears are sweet..
confused the girl looked up from the grass blades
wiped her cheeks with her sleeve
and wondered why that was so significant..

you're home now.. you don't have to run anymore.

and she looked past the hill as a tear went down her cheek
and it was true

she was home again

and her tears were sweet.

i love him
         i love her
we fight sometimes
         here and there
this time it wasnt the same
i said something i knew i would regret
and that was it.
i was always giving comebacks
but i never got come backs
See i loved him
          and i loved her
but i make it difficult sometimes
          sometimes?
Okay, often, but thats because of my
scars
scars that cannot be
erased or healed
soothed or can
fade
I just know i want him back
i just dont know where to start..

i’ve grown very old since i used to be looked favorably upon
i have memories in each crevice on my face.
my wrinkles.
my happy scars

my husband would call them
he’s gone away a couple of years now and i grow lonesome at times
i don't see the beauty my husband once saw anymore

it started to fade away with the blonde to then gray hair on my head
they say its innate
along with the feeling of having youthful qualities
i used to be so ambitious and outgoing
i was one of the girly girls
not so beautiful on the outside perse but beautiful.

but now i dont do things that are ambitious
i send letters to my grandchildren in Austria
their mother always loved to travel
she was ambitious just like me
and she acted upon her ambition from the start
it made her beauty show in and out

oh treasure your youth young one
for you always are in a rush to get older
and try makeup
and wear heels
and go out with boys or girls
you are going to regret it when you get older like me.
be beautiful in your youth
be beautiful for eternity

she almost looked
prosthetic
if i never spoke to her
if i never felt
her
if i never spoke to
her.

she seemed programmed.
She laughed and smiled and nodded
and laughed some more
little did anyone know
it pained her everytime.

She was present
but not present.
very outgoing
when she knew
eyes were on her.

behind closed doors,
she was the most creative mind
only limited by
her fear of judgement.
she kept her abilities and talents hidden
under her pillow
in the journal she got from her father
on her sixth birthday
right before the
big fight.

dangerous
poisonous
thoughts started bubbling slowly within her
like a virus
viciously spreading
while she tried to fight it back
but it just
overwhelmed her
like a drug flowing within her
like a small yet potent dose
working its magic,
doing great things to her.

she started to want to
be wanted.
though no one said
anything
except the usual.
she didnt want to fall into the scene-
disguised by
popular kids and bullies
mixed in together.

She wanted to be noticed.
But she never let anyone
have the opportunity to notice her.
She started dressing different.
she started acting different.
started
talking
different
Eventually, she left everyone.
Heck, she didnt
have to be afraid
anymore.

cant bother a girl thats gone

the small dosage
surely
did great things..

i wrote a page worth of everything that has happened in the past 13 hours
and tears welled up in my eyes and
yknow the works
and so i got a lighter
lit that sucka on fire
as it slowly crumpled into grey fragile pieces
and after it was done

i stared at the ground
looking at the remains of my distressing situation.

i got up
turned around
and went back inside the house for some
cherry 7up.

and she
cried
and cried
and cried and cried
until her eyes
rolled
back.

it wasn’t on purpose.

you were sitting there on the hill
so peacefully.
the gentle breeze convincing me that i
needed to accompany you.
you were examining the small stack of papers that
you saved from your therapy sessions.
i walked over and you heard my steps, tried to be subtle but eh.
you had your nilla cookies and a snapple..
it was simple..
you eventually got a brownie and another snapple for us to share.

if you take a bite out of this brownie, we can consider this a date

and with no words
you took a bite.

like an explorer to newfound treasure
why venture away from my greatest discovery yet..


your love.



-im not leaving you my dear..

so succulent his tender love is..
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,
For your expressions of affection are better than wine.”
intoxicating

making me melt to my knees
every time you hold me..

this is what i want
do not dissuade me, warm land
i’m writing on one of your trees in large font
all should go according to plan..

i seek contentment in the birds and bees
for i love the warm land..

but i dream of remaining in the sea
never being saved by a caring hand

you are the warm land
and I,
a mere human being,
am laying here on your cool sand
while all sanity is fleeting.

it’s insane how people use their power sometimes
just to show how much they have..

we have our basic and humane rights
not asking for much but
then there are those who choose to be the judge
of our actual lives
holding it in their palms
like a toy
wondering if they’ll rip off the head or not just because

they can.

the packing was 7 minutes and the parking was
an hour so during the ride
i lathered myself in baby sunscreen to prevent
early aging..
mom said so so it must be true.

i head to the boardwalk and the beach is filled with
multicolored umbrellas
seagulls relentlessly following people for their food
revealing swimsuits and a whole lotta stretch marks
and mixed faces alike
and i only have one thought in my mind..

what was i thinking..

the streams of tears from my cheerless eyes never dried..

anoche i had a dream that there were really bad thunderstorms
and so after every rumble of the storm
i’d count
one mississippi, two mississippi
three mississippi, four mississippi
and i woke up and you weren’t by my side
and i was worried and you know how careful i get
and i turned off all the acs
and took out all the chargers
      boom
one mississippi, two mississippi
three mississippi
i look for your keys and they’re not here
only your imprint on the bed and i’m frantic..
Bruno is whimpering so i let him hop up on the bed as i stroke his back..
but then i heard my name from the outside
       boom
one mississippi, two mississippi
and it was calling me from a window from the top floor of the house across
from me
and it was you
but there was no more time left
       boom
one mississippi

all your demons have finally died
my love..

my pale palms were up
catching the scorching tears that
snuck out of its ducts
with my head faced down
impressionable and ill-hearted..
for it seemed like i
had no choice earlier but to


run and look for answers




-what have i done

im enamored with
the thought of death so much that
my demons have crept

into the minds of
my past lovers and they all
have something to say..

im afraid to ask
If i died, would you still live..
you just might say no..

with a little tainted rain
you changed your form like
an old sacred statue and
i can’t make out your beautiful features.
or what i thought was.

maybe you were just
meant to be rained on.

maybe those conditions were what
you needed to show your
true self.

my chest feels caved in
as i sit in the midst of chaos
in between a girl with heavy eyeliner and a neon pink bandeau
and a middle-aged man swaying
his eyes aglow

leaving me wondering

where did i go..

i get more sick
to my stomach
every time the
door opens and

it’s not you.

i packed my things
i had enough
it was pouring outside with a dreary overhead of clouds
the angels telling me

it’s not too late to turn back..

i had no umbrella
nevertheless
i took the bus that i got to soonest
and shut out the practicality
of the situation at hand.

Lovely
Is what you are
you drive me to the moon
I can’t stop thinking about you
wondrous..

i took a marker to the beach
to sit on the hot sand
to ponder
and scribble all the sweet nothings i’d whisper in your ears
onto seashells
and throw them back into the ocean
in hopes of being retrieved by another..

distant waves flowed to and fro
windswept sand scattered across the land

and even if time would slow
your love and mine would never grow..

squeeze out my eyes
so i’ll no longer see
your repulsive presence.
torch my ears
so i may never hear you
approaching me with those
dark
     heavy
          steps.
cut out my tongue
so my gustatory senses won’t
be forced to taste you whole
whenever you
have your urges.

leave me for dead
for it is my
only means of
escape..

“pale skin
highlighted cheeks
curled eyelashes- check
dead glossy lips
bronzer underneath
to make the deceased bottom
lip look pouty..
she’s ready to
go.”




-conversations at the morgue

you brought me a dead
rose and saved it till it made
a poetic mess

this morning
i told the flowers
what i’d do for you
and they blossomed

they leave
and act like it never happened
they come back
and act like they never left




ghosts

by each day
i grow more and more
envious of every glass and
mirror that gets to smile back at you..
while i can’t seem to muster up the courage
to do the same..

long for me..
examine me..
reward me with your touch.

i’ve been such a
good girl..

i can never admire a garden again
for i see your reflection in the flowers..

i can never write a love letter again
for i fear it reminds me of all of what we had..

i can never deny you again..
for we both know
i can’t..
and

i can never be myself again
for i fear

you’re doing fine
without me and my
melancholic writings..