oh but i
adore you so much my love..

i feel lightheaded from all the hyperventilating..
i slept well that night i ain’t even gon’ lie
i had another sepia dream too..
mhm
but less of what you’re expecting

i dreamt of gravity keeping us around..
and nothing stopped us
and no one came in between..

explain to me truly beb..
what is this love..

it was just a simple question

which led things back to how
it used to be

tense conversations
poker faces and
unreasonable conclusions

immediately after you want to sleep with me?

*** ok.

before i used to be quiet and i’d let you walk all over me
never voicing my opinion in fear of getting
beaten.
but things changed
and you’re not used it
you’re not used to me voicing my thoughts and
since it’s what you don’t
want
to hear..

we’re back to square one..


basically just
leave me @#$& alone

oh how i long for his envious
touch
he always knew what he wanted..
took charge and was unapologetic..
he believed in etiquette
so he always needed me to say
please and
thank you..
he took posture very seriously so he always
had me arch my back to get a better angle
at his beloved but not for too long..
so thoughtful..
truly he was..

i saw a different side to myself
every time we linked up
you were like electric-
my powerhouse in which i thrived off
simple hellos and winks here and there
small talks and strolls on your days off
lighting up my days
showing me all the ways in which i never saw
that i
truly was beautiful..

i slept well
i woke up this morning
only thinking about you..
wondering how you slept..
wondering if you’re all okay
wondering if you thought of me
too..

im the flower on the other side of the garden
the one that your neighbor forgets to trim and so weeds grow around me and
soon’ll choke me out of existence
all you do is feel sorry for me from your side

never mentioning my name..

if you’re not my partner in crime
how can i continue to fight
this illusion called life

and it’s concept of time
only trying to do what’s right
in a world
stricken with strife.

even when wiping away tears,

you ridicule me about how there’s bigger things for me

to cry about.

holding my baby’s feet
i’d count the little toes
1,2..4..7,8..10
one day these feet’ll walk miles to find who she is
and possibly stumble across a potential lover..
smoothing my baby’s hair
i only hope she learns to appreciate herself quicker
than her mother did.
caressing her ears
i fear of the criticism of foolish school children
that will bring her down even on days where it seems like things can’t get any worse.
all swaddled, she’d giggle in her sleep and off she dozes..
i’d kiss her forehead and whisper

i promise i will try my best to raise you better than i was

the uber ride felt longer than it was
the motions of the words that unraveled from his mind
rolled off his tongue and out onto the vulnerable open
fear of judgement only meaning the best
he said.
he didn’t want to hurt
he wanted me to see
open my eyes and look past all the puppy love-
if it’s worth investing energy into another soul..
i tuned out and imagined i was still with you
that night at the amusement park
when you held me- wrapped around my right hip
and you leaned and whispe-

do you even hear me..i’m sorry if i’m upsetting you

i feel useless when
i’m you-less..
i can’t help however that she’s
the one he chooses.
when you kiss her and watch me
it cuts me and you know
you’re ruthless.
in the playing field of love
i’m always the one that loses..
and to think the cutest would be
the truest
but really just the most
clueless.

keeping money is like vanity
my mother says with a cider beer in her left
as my father deals the poker chips.
texas hold ‘em, you ready?
he says brushing past my mothers routine complaints..

its useless- a waste..
i watch my mother eye the stack of bills from across the room
like seeing your friend tell the same joke for the third time waiting for your reaction,
everyone gets two cards and you can look at them
and get rid of the card you find the least valuable
he says

the tension in the room is unbearable like a thick cloud
so i sneak away
to avoid being asked my opinion.

i opened the door of the bathroom
because of all the steam that was fogging the glass.
took a towel and dried up,
curls were dripping on the hardwood floor
left to be soaked by some warm socks in an
hour or two..

parents went out
siblings went out..
what to do what to
doo..
i texted you
lathered myself in jojoba oil
and asked if you want to come over
and play for a little

and you said
k.

after a long day of witnessing
sweet high school relationships
and fat teddy bears and chocolate roses
better go get myself some carnations
and let it sit in some water with black food coloring
and let the beauty unfold.

//

the longevity of our love is perpetual

that’s what it said on the card she
never received
at least..

i got home in hopes of hearing
your voice,
until i heard some lady in
your voicemail saying that you’re not available
stating your number real slow.

i got home and took a long *** nap
no one came till an hour ago
and i was ok, not in the greatest shape but yknow
i was relatively calm.

within a 2 min conversation w my father and mother
i feel like peeling my skin off my skull
and sautéing it on a pan.

i really just don’t have the brain energy to
make sense
but

whTs new amirite

.
and it seems like the only time
we speak our deepest thoughts
fears and
wonders..
is when one of us knows the other won’t remember
the next day..

do you mind if i
trail my fingers along your collar
and slowly undo your bow tie
(being that it’ll take me a while).
i’ll attempt to be seductive being the nerd that i am
and you kinda just sigh
shake your head and roll your eyes
wondering why..
i bought the socks that are thigh-highs
that are irresistible to you
i don’t know why
but hey if it gets you going
i’ll give it a try.

i make sure to kiss my mother
every night
every morning and
twice more in between..
just so she could know it wasn’t her
fault that i
passed.

to my future admirer,

you can never call me:
sunshine
beba or
princess and definitely not boo bear.

and when we go out
you always need to walk to the left of me
because of etiquette.

don’t tell me you love the way i look in purple..

and also another thing..

every time i kiss you
it’ll always be him on my mind..

i fell for someone who couldn’t commit.

and then he felt like talking to her
made him see
through the dull and somewhat cloudy
transparency of the plastic prism
within himself
and he saw so much more light.

only realizing he was reaching
just too

close
to the sun.

Eventually
he came across a potential alternate source
of light.
Only to see himself falling for the same thing over again.
Into a deeper pit of darkness still in search for light once again.
He then knew after some time
that he would settle for black

he became desensitized to the pain.

you were so special to him
he attempted to treat you for lunch,
he took you on a date through the cemetery.
the place for you to be acquainted with his demons.
he thought you would understand that that’s just how he was.
he’s sure you weren’t uncomfortable.
you said you like-liked him

he put you up on a grey stone
but you didn’t kiss him..



why..

the darkest color owing to the absence of light.

it is the most beautiful color
he said.
The color with the most possibilities.

The color that described his soul adequately after
he wasn't exposed to her
light
anymore.

Running, running.
Slamming the door behind.
Away, away,
from grief,
the sorrow,
the hate,
the embarrassment,
Away from everything,
locking the door
To hide,
To hide my shallow instincts,
but everything comes back,
Quicker,
faster,
I hear it knocking
at the locked door,
Harder, harder, and harder.
A quick flash of a black world.
A never ending world.
One that i can’t escape.

She could look into his eyes for a million moons.
His kind eyes.
The ones that have sunsets behind them when he looked into the dipping sun.
His vibrant eyes.
The ones that light up the night and any given day.
His bright eyes.
The ones that got really wide when he spoke about his day.
His loving eyes.
The ones that would roll back when she'd say she didnt like how she looked.
His passionate eyes.
The ones that awed her writings.
For his eyes gradually grew cold and all he could feel was bitterness. His reassuring eyes.
Were the ones that helped her through.
But she was no longer precious.
In.
His.
Eyes.

there are bad boys
and bad girls in our world
then there are good girls
and good guys.
then there are those
who changed who they are
just for their lover
and felt they wouldnt be compatible
if they didnt change their ways.
but the bad girls
are all trouble
the bad boys
are only here to hurt
potential lovers.
bad boys who like to throw the word
love
around
which becomes an
emotional massacre for many.
bad girls hurt bad boys and
then move on like nobody's business
these bad boys start to notice the grand perpective and end up as
good guys
good guys that know how to treat a girl
how he should
good guys that try not to fall in too deep
too soon in attempt to not repeat the past.
good guys that have a perfect balance
of good and bad
because they know what its like
to be the bad guy.

oh my love
ive told you ive been hurt plenty
and i may not be the best
out of the rest
but ive been told im
unforgettable...
still
dont forget me
for ive changed myself for you
and if you leave
i wouldnt know how to be with someone
without tasting you
like blood in my mouth

we went to the city and we walked
past the horses and the monuments in the dog parks
past the rollerblading dancers with their obnoxious boom box
and the people asking for change.



i wore a loose romper that afternoon and
you said my *** looked
wavy.

after all the bendito’s were said
i was then left in the solemn
chipped baby-blue painted room
that had a small painting hung up
alone
on a small string only with the support of a rusty nail.

hung up
the image had a small boat on a
vast blue sea which evoked a feeling of
an adventurous spirit and hopefulness in the
unknown..
which was soon fizzled out after remembering my surroundings..

i got up out the chair and grazed my small fingertips over the engraved designs of the wooden border..
i then delicately brushed the dusted canvas..

and i realized
that the tiny man on that boat will find his destination some day
however
i may not ever find my own.

later on you came..
you looked pale and your ears had a shade of red
you started getting the shakes..
you had this look of concern
hoping you weren’t the reason why i
attempted to quicken my life span.
you blamed yourself on your knees pleading-
yeah no that would never be you.

you never would beg.

you brought me the seashell i gave to you at the beach that one time but this time
with a small quote written in Sharpie on the inside..

we loved with a love that was more than love

and you cupped my hands in yours and sat quietly with me..
i secretly enjoyed every minute of it.

second we have abuela from PR,
came all the way here just to see if it was true..

her eldest granddaughter was taking therapy.

terapía es para los locos mija
she’d say.
she gave me a cocotasso and said
that since i never ate enough as a kid,
i grew thin and it effected my thought process.

She diagnoses anyone like that though.
After a while,
she told me that i should be
the strong young lady that i never was
and go to church.

i found myself in the middle of
an intervention with family and friends
alike.
A wrinkled hand with long opal-colored nails
stroked my shoulder.
soon enough a folded chair was cracked open for
concerned persons to tell me their opinion on how
i should’ve done things.

Up first was Eileen.
she looked more clean yet saddened a little..
i saw it in her gentle eyes-
her long eyes that were only brought to life
at the bonfires in the bronx on late nights
when she was supposed to stay at ‘buela’s house.
Tio found out one day and fixed her up real good
yet the gossip in my family spread like wildfire.
She shared a couple of words on how she’s changed for the better
and she should’ve caught herself sooner.
it was the association of her bad friends that got her in trouble.
though i’ve seen her come into my house at midnight
eyes more red than my father’s “tans” when we used to go on vacations together..

her eyes were constantly darting back to Tio for approval of her statements i guess..
i tilted my head ever so slightly to the right and
studied her posture and replayed those words over
trying to see clearly where she put the emphasis.

we both knew she wasn’t convincing anyone.

. .
being with you for a year and some months

and a ten hour conversation
i only then realized

between all of our subconscious thoughts
and drunken confessions

that

i was really loved
and i was so busy trying to guard myself
from potential heartache
that it was already too late before i really could

and i wouldn’t want it any other way.

she said
i wish there was two of you
i told her to cross her eyes.

she walked around like that
the whole day

i lay here again
as i wonder what it’s like to be felt
ferverously by your curious hands.
pero
i’ll be patient and alone
waiting for only you to claim
my throne.

oooohh i just wanna squeeeze you
and give you a bunch of kisses and the
longest hug while you tell me about your weekend

now that my tears have subsided and
anger has swirled down the drown the drain during my
hot shower,
i can say that
i miss you.

not in the way that i usually do.

kindve like i feel your presence here but you seem distant.
like how we were both in a room and you were just on your phone
leaving me in an awkward position.

are we still the same kids who had long calls from the night to the morning-
going to sleep and waking up together?
are we still the same kids that brag to our friends about each other?
are we still the same kids and if not-
is that wrong?

in my dream
i heard you
telling me a joke

i woke up at 12:33 in the morning
giggling and reminiscing

of how many others have missed out
on my prized possession

..
and there was this tranquility that
draped over both the decaying dead and alive bodies
like a thin blanket attempting to reassure both sides
that there is more to life than this..

..
and my heart knew what it wanted
my mind knew what it needed
my mind knew what it went through before
my eyes remembered those nights that soaked my pillows of drunken tears
..
but my soul painted murals of beautiful scenery and
cute moments and
and late night calls and inside jokes

starring us and it seemed so real i could just touch it
if i could just reach
close enough
i’d be
really ha-

just got out of the hottest and longest shower
cuz i felt like i could possibly make my problems swirl down the drain.
there was no towel so f00k it-
i walked up to my room and took a nap in the nudee

i woke up to a paper under my pillow
i felt the crisp feel of it and i ripped it out of its hidden place.
It read:

“Longing is the joy of being sad-..”

i-i didn’t understand..
in smaller font than you usually write
it said..

“..i’ve been longing for so long i couldn’t describe..
im limiting myself with you..you wouldn’t understand..
i had to go... i hope you still love me..”

i peeked out the window beside me and your car was gone..
as usual.
i just laid back in my bed
and tucked myself in
and fell asleep to the sound of my world falling apart.

i swore i had a dream where i walked into the bathroom
eyes barely open..
drowsily with each step i stumbled around the floor which looked more and more blurry with every passing minute..
i was in a room with unrecognizable faces
i kept hearing snickering and and little whispers that just weren’t audible..

i turned on both faucets to the highest pressure
splashed my face
turned on the light
looked at the wall and screamed

”which one of you think you can control me, huh?!”

i looked down at my feet
felt my heart racing
felt the sweat beading on my flushed face
and realized i was yelling at

the mirror..

save me.

she had the eyes of a venus fly trap
my looks didnt matter to her
she was decadent..ever so gracious yet a female that i couldn't call my own..
she knew this as well..the tease..
my options pixelated
the what-ifs buzzing around my mind
blurring the vision of the mere fly (me)

she caught her prey
stem straight awaiting my arrival,
almost in a presumptuous manner,
already assuming my dignity will succumb to her unholy desires.

ravenous teeth disguised as wispy lashes
devouring my very being with every


blink.

i wiped my supple yet salty cheeks with my chunky sweater sleeve
and i feel the waitress stealing glances of me in the silence
trying to comprehend what kind of pain i was going through.

i took my feet off the cushioned seats across from me and put my laptop in my backpack behind an essay and a novel i'm almost finished with.
put money on the chipped wooden table and put my orange rinds in the mug
and went off with a
painted half-smile and a
broken heart

i wrote all the things that made my skin crawl first
started off with an ol' list.
-clipped nail remainings on a newly swept floor
-ads
-clingy people
i took a break and i looked out at the bustling people and the streets
and store windows covered in streams of red, orange, and yellow lights.
it was gradually getting dark out.
my cup is almost empty..

the truth was (is) i missed you
and i wrote of the things that bothered me
because not seeing you bothers me.
you make me so happy and we're trying this new thing that involves us being s p a c e d out and i'm not used to it.
me and you are so involved its like i'm not myself without you..
ugh that came out wrong..

i read through our messages from as early as december sixteenth to postpone a mental breakdown
in the car earlier and i giggled at stupid things you'd say but after
the happiness fled from me so quickly and i felt the muscles relax in my cheeks.