i wish
that someone
would speak of me
with a softness to their voice
that only comes with my name.
a breath, a whisper,
makes my name magnificent.
that i might gaze into someone's eyes
and see my reflection sparkling  back
so brightly i can feel it tightening my chest
that i might ***** my heart right out.

it feels like popcorn is popping in my guts
like my entire emotional state lies in my stomach
i'm surrounded by people
literally surrounded
all the time..
but i always feel alone
left out of the loop
misunderstood
on my own wavelength entirely
as if some sort of wall is in the way
keeping me from moving forward
equivalent to riding a never ending escalator
upward. upward.
but nothing changes.
stagnant scenery
unfocused energy
people run passed me up the left side
and i'm planted on the right side
the slow lane
but moving quickly to nothing
like always

i'd always say
"i wouldn't say that unless i meant it"

but we all say things we don't mean.

and in the stillness of the night
there comes a bumping
churning
almost pounding
knock, knock, knocking
against my skull
afloat in this mystery of matter
time, space
miles, and light years
existing for stardust
happiness eternal
our questions unanswered
and what if there was no point
what if we were just made as fodder
trees
flower food
but we can't believe that
because then there would be no reason
would there??

i've just been sifting through all our
"memories"
and i put that word in quotes because what it
means to me
is happiness and things worth remembering..
these "memories"
between you and me
aren't filled with such things..
for you maybe
but i'm stuck behind a glass screen watching 2 years later what happened.
feeling nothing but isolation and jealousy
callousness and darkness in my very bones
it's my nature to be depressed
and feel alone
and as soon as the tables turned
and i stopped caring
you'd change direction
and need me and crave me
but i had already changed course
stopped paying attention to what you'd do behind my back
discontinued my subscription on lies
scratched out all my faces in the pictures you had in your mind
because i was never really there
and if i were it was a shadow
i played the tree in the background
because i couldn't get a part on the main stage
so thank you
for leaving me behind
so that i could try and discover a new track
something called happiness within oneself
it's a book i've been looking over for years
but too afraid to look beyond the preface
thank you for noticing that i wasn't going to be there forever
and thank you for noticing too late

i like girls
and boys
and cats
and dogs
and fruits
and vegetables
and light
and dark
and black
and white
and wine
and water
but i'm different
because i like both sexes
because i don't care whether you have
***** or a *******
because i can't tell anyone that i want to try having a girlfriend
because then i won't have friends
and i won't be able to live with my roommate anymore
and my family won't love me anymore
i'm not ashamed
but i'm ashamed because you'll be ashamed
but i can't say for sure
you're ashamed aren't you??

me
a girl who's awkward
but doesn't care
a girl who speaks her mind
but cautiously
a person
not just a girl
but a person
someone who cares a lot about others
mostly others
almost never myself
i can always find whats wrong with myself
and i can always find whats wrong with you
i won't always tell you what my problems are
and mostly you won't listen
but you'll always tell me yours
and i'll listen
always
and i'll always tell you when you're wrong
and you'll always forgive me
because you needed it
and you wanted to be told
but no one else would tell you
but i always will
and i'll always be there
even if you hate me
and still don't listen to my problems
even if i disappear because no one cares
even you.