i'm lying in my bed here
drunk
trying to find a reason to stay awake
wishing i had someone to share these covers with
i'm lying in my bed here drunk
lonely
sifting through my thoughts
and trying to land on a happy one
one that will take me from
lying in my bed here drunk, lonely, and way too
self aware
someone please help me fly
away from here
far, far away from my drunk, lonely soul
somewhere i can be happy always
and forever
and never lost.

its so much easier to say
goodbye
when you aren't here..

see to me
god doesn't make any sense
why would someone anyone
higher being..
put us here to live a happy life..
or a bad one
or a sad one
or a psychotic, messed up one..
to just have us die..
like literally have no meaning on earth
to have eternal happiness in some other dimensional plane..
why, would he forgive ALL sins..
how do you forgive someone for killing a child
how do you forgive someone for molesting their own children
how do you forgive someone for going against your teachings
and throwing away everything you've strived to make people not do
just to forgive them when the say
"please god forgive me"
how does a god let small children suffer cancer and sickness for no reason?
how does god take the lives of the innocent with car crashes and drug abuse?
free will?
because he "needed" them where ever the **** "he" is??
maybe if he does exist i'll be smited for thinking this..
i'll be banned to the all eternal fire pit that is hell..
but how can he think that someone like me wouldn't think like this??
there is after all no proof of his existence..
the only proof i have that I exist is that i can see myself..
that's it..
i can't see him..
i can't feel him..
i don't know him..
prove me wrong..

there is black in her veins
pouring through the tips of her fingers
on to fine white sheets
line after line it seeps
forming beautifully shaped vessels
that carry her feelings
the pain begins only to be left upon the
flatness which is her medium
it comes again
more quickly now
but the black cannot come fast enough
for her emotions break through as though water passed a dam
the pages become splotched, and soiled
and toiling through her tears she cannot suppress her cries
left in a pool of memories
she falls back into her despair
as though she might try again.

lying here
the sound of silence
stillness, quiet
the tenor note of breath is my own..
and i'm alone
all alone
and i've never not been alone
i've never not been without
i've never not been doubting
me, myself, and
i'm not myself
my self has got up and left
a me shaped hole in my chest
and i'm not the same
can i not be more clear??
could every one not disappear on me..
i'm sorry i'm not the me i used to be
please.. you do not know..

you are blinded
you think everything is one sided
and you're a ******* mess
a joke to me!!
you think I care.. even a little about you??
about your petty nonsense??
about your ridiculous, fecicious, manipulative creations in your mind??
your so called knowledge of me
couldn't be more false
*****, horrible, evil..
I've been called worse..
you think you could change me
make me hate me more than i already do??
my hatred began long ago
before you ever showed up promising
wanting, taking, complaining.
i have no problems pretending you don't exist.

i love it
crave it
no need for it
get me away from reality
i'm so dizzy
and i'm giggling
you put butterflies in my stomach
inhaling light
and exhaling sweet wisps
swirling and swaying
fading into night
faded
elated
forgetting my worries for now..