These thoughts and emotions have not found themselves in the stanzas
Of a poem in quite some time.

There was a time when they no longer
Needed to be; I was fine.

No longer did I hunger for lost love,
Hate myself for things I could not control;
I freed myself from inner-damnation.

Over time, however, I learned that not
Every problem was fixable in this way.

This black dog, ball-and-chain, shadow Monster always finds its way into my life,
Forcing its repulsive manner upon me.

Everyday, I am followed and taunted by
This thing I cannot see, but I feel
So strong, overbearing, dominating.

This horrible manifestation has been
Present throughout my existence, but now,
I am brought down so much lower than Ever before, I am at its will.

I am stricken, beaten, tortured.

I was fine.

I know you've been hurting, trying to close that curtain,

Shut out the world, put down what's been lurking

inside you, it's ripping at your insides,

You try to run, but you can't hide,

You tried to fly, but you only glide

And it's unlikely that you'll land lightly,

I'd try to catch you, but you'd try to miss, to spite me,

I know sometimes I might seem mad,

But I can't let go of what I once had,

I'm not trying to make you feel bad,

I just wish you'd take the time to listen

to the words I'm trying to say and

that I'm cut dry, I'm dying, you know I can't lie,

I wish you'd see why I'm holding you so closely,

You're the glue, binding by broken heart,

Like a missing part, without you I start to fall apart,

I'm trying to stand tall, but my knees are shaking,

My mind is caving, every step I'm taking

is breaking my legs, my blood pools like a lake in

my chest because my heart's been torn open,

my happiness has been stolen, and I'm having trouble

coping with all this emotion, my thoughts are forming

so quickly, they're smoking, I can't tell if I'm joking,

or if I'm screaming out, hoping that someone will

notice that I'm broken, but I guess I'm too outspoken

to be considered anything but happy, actually,

I'm pretty sappy, and I'd gladly rejoice if, for once, someone would hear my real voice,

Until then, my tears will fall silently, like the rain drops on my window

that I just won't hear, I've lost myself within the confines of my own mind,

I can't help but express these feelings line after line,

It's like all these rhymes help this time fly by,

And I can finally feel alive, then I try to walk away, and my heart just writhes

in pain when the memory of you brushes past my head, or when sometimes

I swear that I can smell your perfume, it's like I'm playing

a game of "guess who" with myself, and I don't think it's

healthy to be this caught up in something like this,

but I can't help but miss the feeling of your kiss on my lips,

I miss it so much I swear it's making me sick,

I don't think I can handle this, I swear it's madness,

I just need to talk, that's all I can ask for,

So, please, won't you open that door,

Let me, it'a what I'm on my knees begging for.

The air around me has become so dry, a raspy plague has taken over my breath,

Every breath becomes a struggle as my throat closes in on itself,

Words squeeze themselves out, but not the ones that need to be spoken,

I find it ironic that I need to muster up all the strength I have to just let go,

But I don't even know I'm missing anymore,

Most of my time has been spent dissecting my own psyche,

trying to figure out what I've been feeling this whole time,

I'm becoming a subject of my own torture,

and the scream of my insides are suppressed under these sleeves,

That way, all my releases are concealed and hidden to judgmental eyes

that would fail to see the shell that harbors this blackened heart that resides within, condemned in solemn desolation,

And while I watch her drift away, I become more confused as to why I hurt so much,

I miss the memories, but I'm not so sure I miss the person,

Still,  I ache and lay to waste in desperation, I don't want to let go,

but something deep inside inside the cavernous epitome of heartbreak that is my soul is telling me that I need to release this part of me,

But in the end, I find myself impelled to follow the trail of sweet liveliness that follows behind her,

even when she falls to her lowest, I can feel a vibrancy that radiates out from under her skin and it lightens the day ten-fold,

That's all I can do, unfortunately, I'm only able to watch her as she lives life and forgets every memory that I'm holding on to so dearly,

And as I observe this beautiful example of humanity, I slowly come to the melancholy realization that perhaps I am destined for disappointment,

That I'm perpetually stuck in a sort of limbo between depression and general unhappiness, never even strolling into the realm of content,

I'm beaten to my knees by the tyrannical despot that we humans call Love,

It's become the source of all my pain, and it's also the only thing that can heal me.

I open the door, the wind blows

and that that graphite bear flies out

on to the street, and I give chase,

I don't know why, but I don't think I could live without

It's just a picture, but it means so much to me,

I flip the sheet, "I love you",

****, I instantly begin to choke,

My eyelids become a reservoir of heartbreak and pain

when the tears start to fill them, and they won't drain,

Why is this so hard?

I think I dropped my guard,

I never knew I could be so broken,

Yet, not a word has been spoken,

Nobody knows that I've become hollow,

The missing part seems to far away now,

I'm chasing it like a present with a bow

as if it's gonna wait for me under that tree in the morning,

I must come off as pretty pathetic as you read this,

Why would anyone ever allow themselves to drop this low?

I don't even know, but it's like my feet are in the snow

I wanna pull them out, but I can't, but why?

Probably for the same reason I can't bring myself to throw away

these pictures that I've kept from you,

Probably for the same reason that I cherish these things so much,

The same reason why I'm holding these ******* things so close to my heart,

And that's another thing, these pictures are paradoxical,

They're the only thing that seems to make me happy,

Yet every time I look at them, my emotions seem to burst from my insides,

The tears start falling from my face, my heart starts to race,

I wish you could just see that I would do anything for you,

You left you're mark on my heart, it's  like you're in charge

of my life, and I think I'm okay with that,

All I want to do is hold your hand and jump out

of this plane with you and land in some exotic land,

Explore the world together, and I wouldn't even care

if we had to sleep on the street, because I'd have you to hold,

God, I must sound ridiculous, right?

I'm young, why do I feel the way I do?

Probably because I need someone to fall on to,

Probably because I'm afraid of losing everything

And everything is you,

Probably because of love,

And I forgot to rhyme,

******.

I've probably been walking for a few hours now,

I swear I can feel the ground more with every step I take,

It's funny though, I've seen every inch of this town,

Yet I'm not aware, nor do I care, where I am this late,

The only thing I seem to care about these days,

Is the image if her eyes, earthly and lively,

It's stuck in my mind, ever since that day in May,

Like, do you remember that time when we

got caught in the rain at the park, and we kissed,

I do, it's probably the most painful thing to miss,

This is likely pretty cliché, but I don't think I've ever

seen something more beautiful than you when then rain

came down on us both and we both looked in each other's eyes,

I told you that would be cheesy, but it's just not the same

when I wake up and not remind you of your beauty,

I'm writing these poems, hoping you're thinking of me,

Lately, I've been hoping maybe, that you're not angry,

And that you don't hate me, and that you'll save me,

This feels so unfair, you're the story of my whole book,

but to you, I'm just a chapter, a fish you didn't hook,

I'm screaming, but it's like nobody is listening,

And I'm getting carried away with this poem,

I don't even know what direction I'm trying to go anymore,

I should probably get to the point, this is getting redundant,

So if you ever read this, I need you to look inside,

If there's anything left, I need you to let me know,

I'm dying and my life's getting colder than the snow below,

My feet are getting numb, so if your heart still hums,

To the song we once sang, please end this long day,

Before I walk till I fall, before it's too late.

I stare into these deep, wonderful, almost magical portals, beckoning me to come in,

They capture my thoughts, and allow me to transcend into this state of blissful euphoria,

For a moment, I'm speechless; it's like I can't convey any emotions other than pure happiness,

I've been transported to a beautiful world that I don't need to imagine in my dreams because it's right in front of me,

I've found myself blindly walking down a path, guided by an unknown force that pushes me to continue,

Warm, soft giggling echoes inside my head and assures me of the beauty in everything around me,

The air around me is saturated in a heavenly scent that alleviates any stress that my over-anxious bones may hold,

A simple, rustic home stands in the distance, a tree looming over the woodwork of the house, almost like a guardian,

As I approach the house, I notice various characters carved into the massive trunk of the colossal tree,

Encased in a deeply carved heart were the initials "K" and "C", next to a date reading "5/8/13",

An overwhelming desire to enter the house comes over my being, and I'm unable to stop myself strolling up towards the house,

I take slow, quiet steps up onto the wide, southern style porch, and suddenly feel a sense of familiarity,

My eyes find themselves stuck on the simple, teal door that stood in front of me,

I grasped the doorknob; silver, and in the style of an elephant,

Upon twisting the ****, the world started to spin, everything I had seen prior to opening this door spun around me,

Phantasmagoric images of the tree and the path filled my head, and reached a point of ****** before suddenly coming to a halt,

As if I had woken from a dream, I found myself in a much more earthly setting, no longer standing on the porch of the house with the teal door,

I was looking into your eyes, with deep conviction, and you were laying in my arms looking up at me,

It occurred to me that I had gotten lost in your eyes; your beauty had brought me to such a fantastic place,

I then came to another realization: that world could have never been as wonderful as this world, for it was missing you,

And in that moment I knew what it was like to be happy, I knew what I had been looking for this whole time,

In that moment, it was you.

Doubt will ruin it all, destroy us.
A famimiar tragedy looms over me,
but I hold my tongue.
Not because I know its not true; in my heart I know it to be.
Accusations only defect back upon me; I, the abuser, I, the monster.
Infidelity makes fools of us both.
My love, wasted.
Your efforts, meaningless.
Casually losing my mind, observing every detail as they were before.
How the the mind suffers when one knows the truth, but forced to accept the agony as if nothing is happening.
I am the pawn to be sacrificed for the queen.