It’s not you, it’s me.
I know I was wrong.
I always was, always will be
It’s my fault it took so long
For me to realize the burden I’d become.
I felt left behind, abandoned
And you, so strong, took some
Pain away, you were a stand-in.
But I wanted too much.
How could I expect you to carry me
When you see love as such
An arduous contract to which you agree?
I didn’t keep up my end of the deal.
I wasn’t perfect anymore,
It all became real.
So you shut the door
Without so much as a good-bye.
I’m left stunned and alone,
No more tears to cry
Now that you’re really gone.
I know I’m strong
But you don’t understand
That my heart’s been breaking apart for so long;
Handle anymore? I don’t think I can.
I can see what I am.
I am beautiful and worth something.
I can see that, yes, but ****
How can I believe it when you found it so easy to fling
Me aside and walk away?
I can't be as wonderful and unique
As you used to say.
Together we conquered a mountain, but you threw me off the peak
And watched me fall;
You didn’t even blink.
All your words were lies, they meant nothing at all.
Can’t you see how that makes my heart sink?
How could you leave when you promised you’d stay?
I gave you my love, I gave you my trust
So greedy of you to take it and just throw it away.
It wasn’t fair to me; it was just…
Shocking? Mean? There isn’t one word
To describe this feeling, to know that
Nothing I’d have said would have deterred
You from acting so selfishly, letting me fall flat.
I’m stumbling now, trying to find a way out
By myself, without you, no hand to steady me
And I’ve started to doubt
That anyone will ever see
What I think, how I feel.
How your words were so damaging.
You felt entitled to steal.
You ordered my life, ruled everything as a king,
A despot, a tyrant.
This deserves mention.
All that time I spent,
Gave you all my attention.
I know you can’t express
Emotions when they’re true.
They build up so high, on your chest they press.
Your way out has worked before, it’s nothing new.
I understand you had to go
Or else I would’ve wasted away.
But one thing you must learn, one thing you must know:
I’ll never forgive you, but surely I’ll pray.
Oh, for me to be me again.
Your tumultuous reign threw me back,
But you won’t win, you can’t win
Because my faith has yet to crack.
But also I ask
That God wakes you one night;
When he’s ripped off your mask,
You’ll see yourself in his light.
No more hiding, you can’t lie
When he’s making you look
At everyone you’ve hurt, how many have cried
At all the innocence and love and happiness you took.
But I pray, too, that you’re happy, I do every day
Because, thanks to you,
I’m finally finding my way.
Now there’s nothing more to say, nothing left to do,
So maybe I can throw you to the breeze,
Watch how it takes you;
Finally, I’ll breathe with ease.
I’ll live every moment, remember it all
All the loose ends I’ll weave
Into memories of happiness and forever I’ll recall
How blessed I am, always was, and how you forced me to see.

swirling through the crisp December air
snowflakes glisten in the light
streaming from windows that showcase trees
adorned will sparkling ornaments
and shimmering stars.
twinkling in the distance
from the peaceful, stoic cathedral
are the bells that sit high in the steeple.
i discern the haunting, glorious tune of
o holy night.
a song that is captivating and overwhelming
with its understated power
hidden in an almost melancholy key
that leaves me frozen in awe,
though i've heard this song before.
i startle as a child and her father stride
swiftly by me on the icy sidewalk.
she slips, but he gracefully scoops her up
and places her gently on his strong shoulders.
her contagious giggles blend with
his easy laugh - a sound as stunning
as the exhilarating chorus of the bells
this laughter now harmonizes with.
i'm lost in the melody of happiness
until the two disappear into the warmth of their home
and i'm again alone on the street.
memories brim and sparkle in my eyes,
simultaneously flooding my cheeks and my mind
and for a fleeting moment, i sense him.
his strong hand is in my small one,
squeezing, so i'm aware of his loving presence.
but a cold gust of harsh winter sweeps in
and he is gone and it is only me.
my mittens wipe away the memories
as i dazedly continue on my way
to my house
breathless from the emotion of yet another
blessed Christmas season
filled with the tragic beauty
of days spent rifling through distant,
yet starkly distinct memories
of the loving embrace of my guardian angel.