Thank you for breaking me
And making me
A better me

Thank you for hurting me
And making me
A stronger me

Thank you for shooting me
And making me
Bulletproof

Thank you for burning me
And making me
Fireproof

to my sister, Karen, I know you just threw up your dinner. Please stop. I would give my life to erase the scars from your body and the pain from your stomach. You are beautiful and I wish  I looked like you. I know. Life is hard and it never feels good enough, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be. I'll hold you and hug you and love you. I love you. I am so sorry for calling you fat when we were little. Sometimes I think it's my fault and I just want you to be okay. I just want you to be okay. You are so beautiful. More beautiful than anything I can think of, inside and out. I love you.
2. to my sister, Destiny, stop pushing us away. I miss you and I wish I could build a home for you. I love you even when you become really mean and I cry and yell at you. You can be honest with me. I'm not gonna leave and I know that's hard to believe but it's true. I would do anything for you. I love you so much. You need to believe and accept it.
3. to my sister, Amy, it's okay to grieve. She's your mom. Cry as much as you want. It's okay. I miss you and I wish you still lived here. I know it ***** and it's hard but I am so so so proud of you. More than you know. You inspire me and I love you.
4. to my mom, do you remember? You abandoned us. And that was the last straw. I honestly don't even like calling you mom anymore, because you aren't. We need you. I hate you so much. ******* ******* *******. I'm scared that you're not gonna be okay if I hate you but at the same time I don't really care anymore. Do you remember abusing me? And trying to **** yourself and scaring me? Why? What did I ever do? I just wanted you to love me.
5. to my dad, i'm scared i'm turning into you. I'm drinking too much and I like it. I just want all the sad to go away and it and *** helps. I don't want to be like you. You're never there when we need you and you think we're supposed to be fine. We're kids! I want to be a teenager, but you stole that from me. I don't believe you anymore. Isn't that sad? I miss you daddy. Where did you go? You're not the same person anymore. Why?

The feeling of sickness at the
Back of your throat
The back of your mind
The pit if your stomach.

The butterflies -
Not so pretty now
Bats -
Almost vampiric ones
That nibble at the
Lining of your abdomen
And cause you to lurch
Yourself forward.

Your legs shake uncontrollably
(sometimes)
Your hands as cold as ice
Pins and needles
Painful cramps
Aches.

As if your whole body
Threatens to collapse
Itself on top of you
And your brain is just
Ready to shut down

Any minute

The feeling of when you will burst
Explode
Become that butterfly,
Emerging from the cocoon
Except you're not at all
Majestic

...In any way...

You're just a ghost
- troubled
Trapped in a girl's body
Trying to find a way
To break free.

without food, and you,
maybe I will finally be beautiful

I feel my friends slipping away
Grasping and clawing trying to hold on to them
Cold white hands reaching out of the darkness trying to find someone
No ones there, they've already left, moved on in there own lives
Having fun and making memory's
While I sit alone in terrible thoughts
Reaching and waiting for people who aren't there

I sit holding my aching head in calloused hands
experiencing ‘forlorn’
a worn soul aged beyond the calendar
dreary eyes look upon the state of humanity
irradiated babies trading rabies with deviants
live on pay per view
seeing the shape of famous faces
manipulated flesh blankly posed
only desperate oculars show the truth
darting frantically form mirror to mirror
attempting to validate existence through reflection
but not like the monks in Tibet
regret fills bent cheekbones
spackled with Botox and raspberry jam
thinning peak aligns with the occasional grey strand
and I sit wishing only to see people love themselves

I have one last request. **** me.
Help me run away. Anything.
I sit here in agonizing pain as
I press my frozen fingertips
Into my burning eyes,
Trying,
Fighting,
Murdering every tear that threatens to escape.
I feel chilled across every expanse of my skin and
I wait for the end that I have wanted for so long.

He was renowned for his humility
even to his friends, he was fatherly,
he walked through life limping,
and yet in some way, his limp was triumph.
he had been told he would never walk again from his early 20s
he walked until the day he died what felt late in his 60s
he never abandoned those he loved
a father like no other
even when he was unsure if he was enough
he boxed my ears occasionally
sometimes he chewed me out for doing foolish things
but never did i think he did not love me
he told me almost every day until my teens
and then his voice got quiet, and i saw him less often
but he didn't have to say it
by then i understood
his was a love that -though a bit tough
a bit rough around the edges
stood. would always stand
perhaps a bit broken
but always, always there.
Daddy, without you
i would not be me.