None of my friends know about the time I spent addicted to the ice.
I was losing weight faster than normal,
over 20 pounds in three weeks,
and I just said it was stress.
I had dark circles under my eyes
and my skin lost all color.
I picked at every little flaw
and tried to hide it all.
They will never know about my time with the devil.
Or how he still owns my soul.

I don’t know which i miss more,
You?
Or the drugs?

Hands shaking constantly,
heart beating out of my chest,
mind racing a million miles a minute.
Unable to eat,
unable to sleep,
barely able to choke down water.
Pounds disappear from under my skin,
down almost 20%.
Random bruises appearing,
my cuticles always bleeding.
I want to say I don’t enjoy it,
but the euphoria is worth it.
My queen loves me,
my ice queen,
my methamphetamine.

I gave myself to you,
but you broke me into pieces
just to cut lines.
Now all that’s left of me
are small shards.
Drugs won’t break your heart,
but you were my addiction
and you destroyed me.

I felt as though i’d wandered into heaven
when i did my first line.
I felt untouchable and perfect,
but addiction did nothing for me.
As the pounds fell off my body,
I realized that i sold my soul to satan.

I wanna text you.
I wanna call.
But I’ve realized that if i reach out,
I’ll just get hurt.
I still want you,
But i’m learning that what i want
is not what is best for me.

It’s been over a week since you ended it
and i'm still hung up on you.
I still have feelings for you,
but i know they aren’t returned
because you got with another before the night was over.
I’m stuck in a tunnel of unrequited feelings.

My heart dropped when i read your text.
You said you found another
and you couldn’t be with me.
It sent me spiraling.
I didn’t understand.
If you had truly loved me,
how could you chose someone else?
But now i get it.
You never did love me.
I was just there until you found
someone better.

I knew what we had was temporary
all because it was supposed to be
“no strings attached”.
Everyone knows how this story ends,
one party catches feelings and is left heartbroken,
until, magically, the other person feels the same.
But that isn’t how my story ends.
Im left longing for him
while some other girl lay with him.

When you gave me a tarot reading,
in a park in the middle of the night,
he was sitting right across from me.
I did a three card reading.
My present came up as the devil.
None of us knew the meaning,
but we were all shocked.
As we looked it up,
it all became clear.
The card means unhealthy relationships,
addiction.
It represents your shadow self,
and i am constantly held back by myself.

You saw the scars i carved into my skin,
said you had some too.
We shared tales of our trauma
and stories of our lives.
I thought we might end up together.
But you found another.
Hopefully one who makes you smile,
like i once did.
I don’t hate you or even her.
I just hate myself for allowing you in.

my friends keep bringing you up
because they don’t know what happened between us.
everyday i’m forced to relive the heartbreak because we had to keep what we were doing a secret.
all i want to do is cry when i hear your name but i haven’t even shed a tear.
not even when you ended what we had

At this point
I’d do anything to be over you.
But i don’t want to.
I want to go back to the way we were before.
But everything you do hurts me.
So now i’m ready to let you go,
even if my heart still holds on.