Crystal Meth Love vol.666

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

You Hear Sobriety
People assume its Automatic Happiness.
Its Not Easy, im off drugs but i Don't know me.
Im Not Motivated, im not happy.
I Feel Confusion.
Getting high made Me forget How to live life .
My Mind Dosnt Function right.
& it *****.
I know Nothing About Myself
Anymore.
I Find it sad.
I Don't Know Where i Stand in life
I Wake Up every day just thinking when.. When Will the day that i actually know myself come.
Because once it dose i just know my life will be easier.
Right now?
Im living life miserable.
Becoming sober isn't simple.
hell lot of frustration towards the people helping me.

Im Sober but i honestly do not know who i am yet.
I Don't know myself.

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

39 days

Ive Been sober for a while again
i hope this time i go far with it & sustain
Im Proud of my self
every day counts and should be applaud for
It Upsets me
Mostly everyone dosnt seem to really care
to them its nothing, they dont want days they want years
its a struggle every second they dont see thats a slow process.
i feel all there looking at
is towards a day i cause another relapse
there not hopeful anymore
there now doubtful at my every move
just waiting till i fail
i wish they were positve at my nice sober trail.

It makes me upset that My loved ones arnt supportive of the few days i have not used.
that to them its nothing.
they dont know how hard it is to stay good.

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

Drug & Love

i Love the drug
But the drug isnt real love.
Even Though im not using, i still have thoughts of it.
even though im not physically active
My Minds processing as if i were.
i Want to stop
Stop thinking of it, its a daily thing
always happening.
When im Overthinking
Feeling Upset, Frusturated, Trapped
And Alone
My solution to wanting to end it is
to get in My Zone.
My Brain Always Headlights Drugs When Im Struggling In My Life
When i Cant Controll My Problems
I Give up quick and dont wanna bother solving them.
i Hate This Drug
But the drug Loves me
When i Dont Want it, It Sneaks Up On Me
to remind me thats its there
all i have to do is dial up
and i can get it quick.

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

18th Bday

My 18th Birthday Is Coming up
Im Nervous, I Feel Tense While writing this
Will I Continue On Another cycle
Or will i Be strong & Remain keeping count
on my Soberiety days.
Will i Hold back and say no
to the drug..
or will i give in like i did when i turned 14 15 16 17
on the low as the night ends slow
will i resist the urge and stay clean or do it
all over again.
So much to think, the days getting closer..

The Past 4 Years of my birthday
i Have snorted or smoked crystal
this time its differnt because people know of my addiction now back then it was easy because nobody new.
alot has changed over the years, i hope i dont relapse
and if i do..
i dont know..

#drugs #birthday #relapse #**** #tweak

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

2015

Another Year ive Begun
Everyone thought i was clean but that same
31st eve, i was strung on
methamphetamine
I know i know Im the one continuing on
but temptation hit hard
i just felt the need to celebrate
and feel differnt , i was feining and
went to go seek it..

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

Runaway

A Bag
Few Shirts & pants.
Some bras Socks & underwear
Lotion, Brush Makeup
D.o tweezers paste and toothbrush
On & on
So Simple to pack a bag & be gone
Become a runaway
Leaving a simple note to why.
Sounds so easy
Find a reason then make a plan
Those plans dont ever go as planned
How would you survive
How long will you stay in the 1st home,
Before they get annoyed of you
The struggle of a runaway
Having to find places to stay.
The troubles your put to face
I remember those were my adventures days
Getting high all day all night
No worries of nothing.
Coming up at night
G Rides, Raiding Homes
Just to get some ice.
All seems so nice
Deep inside, im drowning.

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

Rehab Again

How many has it been,
One, 2, Three?
How Many Outpatients
More Than 9.
How many hospitalizations
Like 2
How many therapist
7
Phycatrist, counselors, etc ?
So So many.
Here I am going once again for the
Fourth time
To residential rehab.
They say I need more time
For a mind so ill like mine.
6 months or a year
To be fine.
The frustration that I get from not able to do right
Tournaments me
I kust want to be set free and fly

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

**** Program

Treatment Centers
After Outpatient, Rehabs, therapist
Etc
Im Tired Of All this *******.
Sometimes all I want is a dope hit.
But I know
All it will do is cause me temporary satisfaction
And endless Arguments.
New Year?
Same News.
I Need To Create A new story already
I can't believe im
Still here stuck in the same cycle as the past other years.
If theres a god, can he come visiting and hear
That im desperate for a miracle.

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

Im losing me

Im Losing Myself
In My Own Dark Thoughts.
Getting Caught Up in A Knot,
Then Twirling & Creating Bigger 1s
I Need Help, But im Now Alone
Don't have A Place To Turn
Without Being Judged Or Criticized
Reminded Of All My Wrongs
And Broken Promises.
Of My Dishonesty.
I Need Support, The Ones To
Speak Positively.
The Ones To Tell Me Im Only Human, everyone Makes mistakes.
That Everything will be alright.
I Relapsed
My Thoughts Got The best of me.
Yet i Confess
& Get Treated Harshly
Were in That, is Showing me a reason to Stay sober.
Getting Treated Like A Bad person
Making me feel all sorts of negative
Feelings, is Just going
To make me question?
Why Should i Be Sober.
Confessing Made Everything worse
Instead Of Support
I Get Thrown Everything i Have done incorrectly.

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

Another Relapse

I Failed Again
Lacked Success &
Collapsed once again.
Im Seen As A Failure Now.
Seen As A Lieing Worthless Shadow
Rubbed in my face
Of how i keep making the same mistake
How supposedly all i care about is being on drugs
That thats my only intrest being high.
Makes Me Sad To Know The Stuff People think about me.
A Drug addict
Not knowing The Cause To My Use
The **** i Go through in my mind
How i function and all these difficulties.
The ******* reasons to my relapses!

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

Slit

I Want To End My Life.
Right This minute.
I Don't Want To live anymore
I Don't See Me Worth Living.
I Don't See Any good in me.
I Don't Have Any accomplishments
Any Recognitions.
Im A Useless peace of trash
Just taking up space and Air
I Can't Handle My problems
Its to many
Im too much.
I Honestly just dont know anymore
There isnt a word to describe my mood right now
I just want to be dead right now
End it alll
Temporary Frouns
For My loved ones
Then
Long lasting smiles as the days continue on without my presence.

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

I Just Feel hopeless

I Can't Seem To Know How To Explain My Thoughts Well.
Im Misunderstood.
Im Feeling So Low Right now
The Person I Need
Can't Seem To Help Me Now
I Can't Turn to them
Because i disappointed them once again.
I Have nobody To Turn to now
&
My Loneliness Keeps Telling me i should..
Temptions Heavier Than Before
Arguments are My main
Trigger.
I Don't Want To go back to how i was before..
I Want Comfort
I Want To Feel Love, Someone to vent to
I Want Someone To Tell me im not a failure and everything will be alright :(

Oct 2017

PEARL SMOKE

Trigger Relapse Holiday

Every Holiday
That Has Passed in The Last 4 Yrs
Easter, 4th Of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, new Years. (Etc)
Relatives & Family's
Birthday.
I Have Used ****.
Even When it Was Christmas while i was in a locked facility
Residential Rehab i Manage To Get
On one.
Isnt That Crazy?
Addicts Saying is
" If They Really Want There Drug, They Will Find Any possible Way To Get it in there hands no matter what."
The 24th Of December
Is Tomorrow.
Its Going To Be Very Tempting For Me To use For The next 2 Weeks.
Im Scared.
I Don't Want To Continue On My Tradition.
Hopefully i over come it
And be Sober
Being able to Smile, laugh and eat
With my family.
I hope so.