Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
 Aug 2023
Ryan P Kinney
At 3, I broke my leg
And again at 5.
This would cause my leg to be an inch shorter than the other the rest of my life.
7: My brother pushed me into a wall and cracked my skull
Somewhere near that same time, I shattered a pane a glass in my hands, requiring stitches
At 15, I thought it was smart to push a bag of broken beer bottles into a dumpster with my hand.

I set a car on fire hitting a deer at 70 mph, his antler coming inches from my lung
I fell asleep behind the wheel of my truck and totaled a mini van
I drove someone else’s truck off the road getting a new engine for the other
But it was better than the ice, the oncoming car, the gas main, or the fence post
I snapped the front axle of my rainbow Buick twice before I finally killed it
Each time, I walked away with just scratches

In 2006 I cracked 2 of my vertebrae taking a snow boarders jump with a sled
I sliced myself on metal tracks at one job
Even plastic containers have left their mark on me

I tore my ACL, trying to be stronger
(And because of that former leg injury)
And added a hernia appetizer

I earned carpal tunnel, trying to be brilliant
And just make more sense of all the broken

What hurt most were the 2 who wrecked my heart
Deeper and more scarred than any other pain

I am covered in little visible and invisible scars
The older I get, the more I collect,
The more stories I create

I did not slow with age
Just kept ramping up,
Making more as I give less ****
I am always littered with scratches, cuts, and bruises
Because I never stop long enough to worry about what damage I am causing

I’ve don’t bother with stitches anymore
I am held together with pure will and imagination
That old adage, “What happens when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object…”
I refuse to yield
Surrender is not the answer to that riddle

It’s to go around
I bypass
I imagine it doesn’t hurt
I find every other way

I’d rather keep going. I’d rather keep racking up battle damage
I go through my life with a sledgehammer
Knowing full well how many times it comes down on me

I am so very broken
I am always just barely holding it together
When all I want to do is fall apart
I keep putting the pieces back together
I am a maker
Filling in the holes with stories

Today, I walk with a lean, sometimes a limp
And ignore how often it hurts
My body is deformed and full of tally marks for every decision I have ever made

One day, my body will fail me for the last time
It will yield long before I do
All those cracks will finally show
And out of me will leak
All those stories
For everyone who helped me make them
 Mar 2022
Ryan P Kinney
Every time I close my eyes I watch a 1000 tragedies pass before them
This is the curse of those with the unimaginable imagination
Every worry
Every doubt
Every fear for everyone I have ever loved
Becomes a full-length movie
I am forced to watch
Every time I try to rest or close my eyes or even think
Every time I am arguing and screaming and yelling against these imagined worlds
I have to repeat the mantra:

It's not real
This is not real

I have to force myself  into cognitive lucid day dreaming
Some new framework from someone else's fantasy
That's happy
Where people love me and care
Then I wake up
I sit alone at home every night hoping I don't wake up from this dream
That these worlds can be real
But I know
One day the ones I fear most
Will be real

Hold On!
Take a breathe

It's not real
It's not real
It's just a story
Aren't we all stories?

Are you ok?
No, I'm not
But its none on your concern
Leave me alone
I'm always alone
No matter who's here

I have been so scarred by those who claim to love me
That I do not believe anything they say
Only when I see them actually act.
But, if I have to tell them that
Then I am forcing them into showing they care
Then, do they really?
Or do they feel obligated?
I don't care for those I do,
because I have to,
because I'm required to
I do not expect something in return
But I want it SO badly

And the problem is
that if I tell them this
It becomes about me
And this is not about me
I'm a parent
My life stopped being mine when he was born
But what about ME?

You should just let sleeping bears lie
Because this one can't sleep alone at night anymore
With his head so crowded with worlds full of travesty

I am so ******* angry all the time
At myself for letting myself feel this way
For needing someone else

I can't
I just can't anymore.

But I still do
I'm tethered to a web of fake memories and sins I know are not real

It's not real
It's not real

It's a ghost story that haunts
but with no substance
no form
no unfinished business
no one ever conducts ANY actual business

I am alone in the light of day
At night the endless voices scream out in silence

It is better for me to ignore you
than to unleash what I keep trapped inside
I care too much
For you to have to face that monster
Staying away is protecting you
If I ever let out what's in there
It will destroy you

It's the mask I wear so I don't crack into a million pieces
And take all of my worlds with me

STOP
You can stop right there
Forward stop having meaning years ago
When you lied to me and said, "I love you"
You actually want to show you care
You're going to have to try harder
And if the effort isn't there
Then your actions will speak for you
What you say
No longer does

I scream, WHY!" in chorus with my radio
WHY?
I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse
Why do I feel this way?

It's not real
It's not real

What world am I in?
Is this one real?
Where do I exist?
Do I exist?
 Dec 2015
Ryan P Kinney
Cross My Heart
by Ryan P. Kinney

He awoke that morning feeling more alive than he had in years.
The usual good morning kiss with his wife turned into more.
She could see that old youthful magic in his eyes,
The kind that had outlasted his wrinkled, scarred face.

They made love like nothing had ever mattered.
He would be late to work this morning.
It was worth it.

As she made breakfast,
Humming that song he had not heard since their wedding
He caught sight of her curves,
Slyly slipping in and out of the folds of her robe
He remembered how much he loved that woman in his kitchen
And briefly considered an encore performance

He heard a door swing open
Creaking sharply under years of abuse
Tiny feet came thundering down the stairs

“How does such a little person step so loudly?”
“Dad!”
He turned,
Just in time to duck a Nerf dart sailing past his cheek

His son gave him a mischievous grin
And his wife rolled her eyes
As he reached under the table and pulled out his blaster
Launching three darts into his son’s forehead before he could raise his

His son flopped to the floor
“You got me. I’m dead.”
The cat walked over and licked his forehead
“Alright, I guess I’m alive,”
“The kitty gave me one of his lives.”
His son laughed and bounded into his seat, just as his wife handed him his coffee.

His first sip was like no other before.
If morning *** could be coffee,
That would be what he just stuck in his mouth.

She handed him a plate of eggs and potatoes
And a bowl of cereal to their son,
Kissing him on the forehead as she did
“Ewww, Mom!”

He had long since taught her the virtues of a good breakfast
Though she only ever ate a bagel
She was always happy to send him off to work with a full belly
Even more happy to send him off with more today
Even the eggs and potatoes tasted special
Like a little extra love had gone into them

“Love tastes like eggs and potatoes…”
He trailed off, biting into an empty fork.
His plate was empty.
He had devoured the entire meal while musing over silly thoughts.

His wife shot him a “job well done” grin
Then leaned in to kiss him
“You guys are weird,” their son said,
As he pulled out his chair,
Placed his bowl in the sink,
And went skipping upstairs

“He actually remembered to put his dishes in the sink,” said his wife.
He got up, and threw his arms around his wife,
Kissing the back of her neck
As he reached into her robe
She giggled, and handed him his lunch.
“Go to work,” she said.

He grabbed his lunch,
Yelled up the stairs,
And walked out the door

The car started on the first turn this morning.
He eased it into gear
And it glided gently out of the driveway.
“That’s much better.”

He couldn’t get the grin off his face as he drove
The sun had risen to greet him in a kaleidoscope of hues
He began picking out shapes in the color kissed clouds

There was a light breeze in the air
A calm comfortable spirit blew around him
With just a hint of the flavor of the impending autumn
Yet still not betraying the richness of summer

His eyes snapped out of the daydream
“Today is way too good to be wasted at work.”

He pulled out his phone and dialed the number he no longer had to look at the keypad for.
“Hello,” his wife answered”
“Honey, call our son into school. We’re doing something today.”
She paused for a minute and he expected a recrimination.
Instead, she just replied, “Something? Like what?”

“How about the beach?”
“We’ve lived two miles from the lake for years and have only gone twice”
“It’s time we stopped wasting what’s been given to us”

She paused again, then, “Ok.”

“Oh, and wear the bikini.”

She sighed, “That was not meant for outside the bedroom.”

“It’s Monday. Everyone else foolish enough to not call off are at work.”
“No one will see, except us.”
“Meet me there.”
He hung up before she has a chance to object.

An hour later, he was there.
He slammed the car door with a reassuring thud
Her car was here, but empty.
“They must already be in the sand.”
He took to the concrete path.

As he walked, toads hopped out of his way
Butterflies danced to a tune none, but they could hear around his head.
His every step sent a cascade of grasshoppers in every direction.

He finally reached the sand and kicked off his work boots into the weeds.
He scanned down the beach and picked out the outline of two people,
His wife and son.
As he thought, no one else was here.

His wife had already removed the tank top and shorts she’d normally hide behind.
She was wearing the red bikini he had gotten her for their last anniversary
Her body showed all the marks and scars of age, wisdom, and childbirth.
He couldn’t have loved any of those marks any more.
She had earned each one.

She caught sight of him and smiled that beautiful smile,
Then tapped their son on his shoulder,
Already engrossed in a sand castle
He looked up and took off running,
Barreling into his father.

The rest of the day whisked away in the blur of one who forgets that time is a measure for events we have to think about.
He and his wife worked muscles long past functioning properly.
He swam in his work uniform and when it became too heavy,
He cast it onto the beach and swam in his underwear.

While his wife prepared lunch,
His son and he built a sand castle taller than either of them
It was more like a mound than any recognizable structure,
But it was magnificent.

When the next wave came in and took half of the empire with it
They just laughed
And jumped in to finish the job

Lunch was PBnJ, a necessity for any day spent playing hooky.
They tasted of forgotten memories and a sun-warmed nostalgia,
That up until now had only left a bitter taste in his mouth

Lunch was quick,
As both boys hurried back to the water
Making sure to share plenty with Mom.

After a few hours, the sun began to sag
And their son began to droop on this father’s shoulder
He carried him back to the concrete path,
All three with irreplaceable smiles on their faces

Their son was nearly asleep before they came across the first toad
This time they just sat and watched.
The grasshoppers remained still and not a butterfly stirred.
Everyone sat silent in their seats,
Transfixed by the building chorus of crickets,
The melody growing richer as the sun sank into dusk

By the time they reached the parking lot, the frogs had added their amorous harmony.
All of nature had serenaded their son to sleep as they strolled.

He placed him in his wife’s car gently.
He looked at her and pulled her close,
His hands groping under the bikini.
She pulled away.
“I’ll see you at home,” she said.

“I love you,” he paused, “…both,” looking at his son.

She got in the car, started, and drove out of the parking lot.
He stayed there, watching her taillights fade into a magenta-orange curtain trailing the horizon.
Just before she vanished from sight, he caught her eyes watching him in the rearview mirror.
He waved,
Casually,
Slowly,
Until she was gone.

He got back in his car and closed the door.
The reddening sun was half gone
A deep blue was inching in slowly, closing around the falling orb
Pink, blue, purple, green
Every color of life was lavishly splattered across the sky,
As if color and beauty were so cheap that it could spilled everywhere,
Without a care.

The sunset was the same it was 20 years ago.
The day he left his parents
As he was driving the last load to his first taste of adult freedom,
He had stopped at this park
To bid farewell to the boy who spent so much time here.

Here he was again
Back with a new boy to give to the park.
The sunset that sent him to become a man was back to greet him once again.

“Today was perfect,” he said, as he slipped on his jacket.
“But, it’s time I woke up.”
He pulled a revolver from the jacket’s pocket
“I kept my promise.”
He pressed the muzzle to his chest.
“Cross my heart.............”
 Dec 2015
Ryan P Kinney
Snow Day
by Ryan P. Kinney

“God ******* ******.”
The car is stuck.
Forward or Reverse
The tires just spin,
Taunting me
White powder, fluffy on top, but thick and heavy at the bottom, is piled above the hood

“This ******* thing’s not going anywhere”
Now what?

Another of Ohio’s freak snow storms,
In April.
Winter’s one last *******,
A send-off, reminding us that he’ll be back

My cavalier is no match for several feet of snow
And I’m stuck two miles from home

I don’t usually mind the winter
I like the variety
I love the calm the white blankets bring
Silencing and hiding all the filth of our careless summer decadence
It’s a splendor I’ll never be able to create
A peace I will never know

But today,
Winter’s ******* me
Please, just not today
April 25th
Her day

I glance around
I left my phone at home too
I didn’t want to hear from anyone
No one telling me, “It’ll be ok.”

I have to get out of here
I can’t sit here
Winter’s trying to stop me
Slow me down
Nothing stops me,
Catches me
If I stop, I think
The cold catches up with me
I catch up with myself

I click on my flashers
“I guess I’m walking.”

I open the door and immediately am assaulted by a frigid gust
I crunch into the snow and realize,
Water Resistant does not mean Water Proof

I close the door with a loud thud,
Look ahead,
And resign myself to a miserable walk,
Hoping that the angered flush in my face keeps me warm

I begin walking,
One step at a time
My head is cast to the ground
Each time I try to look up,
My head gets knocked right back down

My mind wanders to the scheduled routine of the day.
“I’m not making it to work”

I look back at my car
The door I just slammed is already buried
In a few minutes all that will be left is a couple of blinking lights,
Fading into the background

I remember how much I used to love snow days as a kid
Now it just means I could lose my job
I’ve been on thin ice for the last year
My work has suffered
My heart is not in it anymore
My heart is not in anything or anyone anymore

I just don’t care
The only reason I’m still there is a desperate need to cling to something stable
Something,
Anything,
The house that she left me with
That car,
That thing that represented freedom since I was 16
When I first asked her to be mine
Which is now a rusting death trap,
Stagnant and immobile on this wasteland road in the middle of nowhere

I wouldn’t be surprised if my job wasn’t already drafting my termination letter
How the hell am I going to pay my mortgage?
Or for that car I apparently need?

A violent artic chill hits me in the chest
Penetrating my jacket
And blowing right through me
Trying to rob me of any warmth I have left
“Tough luck, ya *******. You won’t find much there.”

I look where I’ve been again,
Following the chill with my eyes
My car is long since gone,
A memory, hidden beneath a curtain of iridescence
My footprints disappear the moment I make them
Any evidence of my every struggle
Gone before I can make another move

Before me is an unpainted canvas of nothing
A void, so much more ominous than the blackness of night
The white,
The light
Promises more than it ever has to offer
She’s a cruel lover
Who will let you in
Expand into your pupils,
Make you think you are seeing for the very first time
She will explode into your mind
And fill you with the euphoria of hope

But, it’s a lie
She wipes the slate clean
And decides,
This canvas was never meant to be painted on.
At least, not by me

Better to have the black.
It may hide all the horrors and fears of childhood
But, it’s honest
It never offers false altruistic promises
Sure, it’s a mask
But, no more than my own face
Pretending that it does not crack in the mirror

My steps are getting harder now
Ice has encased my work boots
My toes have long since ceased any feeling
And my face stings with every gust

I can only inch forward,
One foot at a time,
With every ounce of my will

Religion says, it is in these times
When Jesus walks with you
(or whatever deity)
My footprints vanish before I can make them
I certainly see no others beside me
Even he gave up trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Atlas shrugged,
And all I got were two broken vertebrae

“Why the hell am I still trying?”
“Nothing I do makes a difference”
“Come and get me now,
I’M HERE.” I scream

If Kubrick could see me now,
His little cockroach would be laughing it’s *** off
At the futility of this scene.

A single tear slides down my check
Warm and harsh against the bitter cold
I haven’t been able to cry since she left
Just numb,
So cold…
Void of anything, but hurt

I take a deep breathe
That hurts too
I can’t remember what it’s like not to hurt

I’m still plodding on
One foot in front of the other
One step at a time
Each moment takes an eternity to feel

I should just let go
And fall

When the thaw comes
They’ll find an empty car
With its lights flashing
And an even emptier person
With no light left in him

Why did she do this to me?
Why the **** am I always left alone?
Why am I always so ******* cold?

A salty torrent begins to burn my face
Mucous slides into a week’s worth of stubble

I can’t do this.

As I say this,
Feel this,
Finally feel anything…
I slow
The weight in my heart getting heavier with every step

I’m still moving

In the distance,
Partially shrouded in a cascade of flurries
I begin to make out something of familiarity;
My driveway
Behind it I see my porch,
And a maroon door
My home finally comes into view
The lights are still on
 Dec 2015
Ryan P Kinney
An Argument with Myself
(aka Identity Crisis)
by Ryan P. Kinney

I can’t do this anymore
I’m manic with kleptomaniacy issues
At 31, my body is beginning to betray my spirit
Age is catching up to me with a vengeance
I have a broken spine, a *** knee, carpal tunnel, and “significant” bone loss in my jaw
And…

Will you please shut the **** up?
You are a whiny little ****

Your back may be broken, but you’re not spineless
I’ve seen you stand straight and tall, even when it hurt
Nothing has ever stopped you from moving
A bad knee isn’t either
Bone loss in your jaw?
That won’t stop you from saying your piece

Who are you?

I’m that cocky super ego phallus replacement you drag around
…6 inches….
From the ground.

I know you
You’re that impulsiveness that gets me in trouble
The one that tells me to just do it
Stop thinking
The one that smashes my intuition and forethought like a raging Hulk
You are the Manic Hammer

I don’t like you very much

Nah, You love me
You just don’t know it yet

You know I hurt the one’s I love
I have more scars than ****** skin
Nothing of me is untainted anymore
I’m all alone

You are not alone
You are swimming in a sea of people

But there’s not a drop to drink

No one has everything you need
Drink of pieces of each person
And you will have more than you ever need.

I’ve lost so much
So many people
Two hearts
One is gone forever
The other,
I feel her slipping away

Yeah, but you held them both for awhile
It’s like the gods trying to hold the stars
Sometimes, even they get burned

Besides, you held onto the first for a long time
Even if she wanted it back
The other one is still playing tug of war with you
You’ll just have to pull harder

I’ve been used up, beaten, and ****** over pretty hard

Remember those times you were ****** hard.
Most of the time, you loved it

I don’t know who I am anymore
What I’m supposed to be
I am stuck,
stopped,
stagnant.

You are Ryan
That used to mean something in this **** town

I’m the one who’s kept you moving
Kept you alive
I kept you from pulling the trigger
Or digging in the knife
When Lisa left you in pieces
I put you back together

But, you hurt me as much as you help me

And you are as pathetic as you are courageous
You are stronger than you think
I should know,
I’m you

I have credit card debt greater than the value of both my cars
Because I’m addicted to stuff
Stuff stays, people leave
I hate the tedium of work
But can’t survive in our capitalist conglomerate without it

You work to get yourself to a better place
You’ll come back as many times as it takes
You’re not the only one dreaming of getting out of there
Just the only one with an escape plan

I cut my arms
(More like scratches
Because I’m too chicken **** to go any deeper)
Just to get attention
Hoping someone would notice and ask about my arms

No one did

Someone did.
But she is just as broken as you
And has no idea where to put your pieces
Or even to ask where they go

Sometimes, I just want to die

Really, Death?
That ******* has been on your heels since the day your mom popped you out
Are you really going to let him win that easily?
Yeah, he’ll catch you eventually
But you’ll give him the run of your life

And my family,
Jesus, they ****
One big curse of genetic white trash pretending to be middle class
Thanks Mom, for teaching me to steal
Thanks Dad, for giving up on yourself
Thanks Shawn…
Wait, Who the **** are you anyways?
Thanks for giving me no foundation for a family I can belong to, love, or even care about

Yeah, your family *****
You got me there
But they don’t define you
You do

Your mom taught you crime
But you learned how to survive on your own
Your Dad gave up on himself
But you learned to never give up
Your brother, well,
He’s the you you could be if you keep up all this *******, whining, and self-pity

And, don’t lie to yourself
You care about them
Even when they don’t
They are another piece of you
It does not matter if you like them
There is some home in that broken mess
No matter how bad you **** up
They will never judge you
They’ve done worse

As for a family you can belong to, love, and care about
You have a son

I have no idea what to do with a kid
I’m still a kid, aren’t I?

Nope, you aged,
Whether you like it or not

I don’t want to grow up

You don’t have to
Not entirely
But you do have to be a man

How?

You’ll figure it
The same way you always do.
Trial and error

I’ve been fighting this for so long
Alone
I can’t anymore
I have nothing left to fight with

You have them
You are not alone anymore
Ask them for help
You’re going to have to trust

I don’t know if I can do that
I’ve never done that
I don’t even trust you,
Myself

She loves you because she loves your son
She loves that piece of your combined hearts
Trust in that.
Have faith.

I don’t have that either

She’ll teach you

She’ll find you.
I need to protect her from you

You’re never fully yourself
You never let them meet me
It’s no wonder you always feel alone

You are a thief!

So are you

I don’t want to be you

I’m coming through no matter what
The more you wear this mask of innocence
The guiltier we both become

I don’t want to be a Kinney

You want to make that name mean something
You have that chance.
There’s a brand new Kinney

I’m scared
What if letting her know about us scares her away?
What if it costs me my son?

I’m here with you, always
She will be too
But only if she knows all of us
The piece you are giving her isn’t enough
It wasn’t enough for Lisa

You’re going to have to accept me
We have to work together
She has to know
You can’t taint her anymore with our lies

I…I…

No,
US.

Now, get the **** up
Be a man
There’s a little boy out there looking for one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sM1sgVUJSc8

— The End —