Snow Day
by Ryan P. Kinney

“God ******* ******.”
The car is stuck.
Forward or Reverse
The tires just spin,
Taunting me
White powder, fluffy on top, but thick and heavy at the bottom, is piled above the hood

“This ******* thing’s not going anywhere”
Now what?

Another of Ohio’s freak snow storms,
In April.
Winter’s one last *******,
A send-off, reminding us that he’ll be back

My cavalier is no match for several feet of snow
And I’m stuck two miles from home

I don’t usually mind the winter
I like the variety
I love the calm the white blankets bring
Silencing and hiding all the filth of our careless summer decadence
It’s a splendor I’ll never be able to create
A peace I will never know

But today,
Winter’s ******* me
Please, just not today
April 25th
Her day

I glance around
I left my phone at home too
I didn’t want to hear from anyone
No one telling me, “It’ll be ok.”

I have to get out of here
I can’t sit here
Winter’s trying to stop me
Slow me down
Nothing stops me,
Catches me
If I stop, I think
The cold catches up with me
I catch up with myself

I click on my flashers
“I guess I’m walking.”

I open the door and immediately am assaulted by a frigid gust
I crunch into the snow and realize,
Water Resistant does not mean Water Proof

I close the door with a loud thud,
Look ahead,
And resign myself to a miserable walk,
Hoping that the angered flush in my face keeps me warm

I begin walking,
One step at a time
My head is cast to the ground
Each time I try to look up,
My head gets knocked right back down

My mind wanders to the scheduled routine of the day.
“I’m not making it to work”

I look back at my car
The door I just slammed is already buried
In a few minutes all that will be left is a couple of blinking lights,
Fading into the background

I remember how much I used to love snow days as a kid
Now it just means I could lose my job
I’ve been on thin ice for the last year
My work has suffered
My heart is not in it anymore
My heart is not in anything or anyone anymore

I just don’t care
The only reason I’m still there is a desperate need to cling to something stable
Something,
Anything,
The house that she left me with
That car,
That thing that represented freedom since I was 16
When I first asked her to be mine
Which is now a rusting death trap,
Stagnant and immobile on this wasteland road in the middle of nowhere

I wouldn’t be surprised if my job wasn’t already drafting my termination letter
How the hell am I going to pay my mortgage?
Or for that car I apparently need?

A violent artic chill hits me in the chest
Penetrating my jacket
And blowing right through me
Trying to rob me of any warmth I have left
“Tough luck, ya *******. You won’t find much there.”

I look where I’ve been again,
Following the chill with my eyes
My car is long since gone,
A memory, hidden beneath a curtain of iridescence
My footprints disappear the moment I make them
Any evidence of my every struggle
Gone before I can make another move

Before me is an unpainted canvas of nothing
A void, so much more ominous than the blackness of night
The white,
The light
Promises more than it ever has to offer
She’s a cruel lover
Who will let you in
Expand into your pupils,
Make you think you are seeing for the very first time
She will explode into your mind
And fill you with the euphoria of hope

But, it’s a lie
She wipes the slate clean
And decides,
This canvas was never meant to be painted on.
At least, not by me

Better to have the black.
It may hide all the horrors and fears of childhood
But, it’s honest
It never offers false altruistic promises
Sure, it’s a mask
But, no more than my own face
Pretending that it does not crack in the mirror

My steps are getting harder now
Ice has encased my work boots
My toes have long since ceased any feeling
And my face stings with every gust

I can only inch forward,
One foot at a time,
With every ounce of my will

Religion says, it is in these times
When Jesus walks with you
(or whatever deity)
My footprints vanish before I can make them
I certainly see no others beside me
Even he gave up trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Atlas shrugged,
And all I got were two broken vertebrae

“Why the hell am I still trying?”
“Nothing I do makes a difference”
“Come and get me now,
I’M HERE.” I scream

If Kubrick could see me now,
His little cockroach would be laughing it’s *** off
At the futility of this scene.

A single tear slides down my check
Warm and harsh against the bitter cold
I haven’t been able to cry since she left
Just numb,
So cold…
Void of anything, but hurt

I take a deep breathe
That hurts too
I can’t remember what it’s like not to hurt

I’m still plodding on
One foot in front of the other
One step at a time
Each moment takes an eternity to feel

I should just let go
And fall

When the thaw comes
They’ll find an empty car
With its lights flashing
And an even emptier person
With no light left in him

Why did she do this to me?
Why the **** am I always left alone?
Why am I always so ******* cold?

A salty torrent begins to burn my face
Mucous slides into a week’s worth of stubble

I can’t do this.

As I say this,
Feel this,
Finally feel anything…
I slow
The weight in my heart getting heavier with every step

I’m still moving

In the distance,
Partially shrouded in a cascade of flurries
I begin to make out something of familiarity;
My driveway
Behind it I see my porch,
And a maroon door
My home finally comes into view
The lights are still on