I can't do love, not romantic love.
I know about 'that' kind of love
and it never ends well.
That's the kind of love where you get hurt
and there is pain and fear
and you're scared for you life.
And at 3am you're begging to live,
to live through just one more night
so that you can leave in the morning.
Quietly slip away.
And you can't call anyone to help
because the phone is smashed
and is somewhere in the garden..
I can't do 'that' kind of love again.
Because that **** damaged me,
damaged my heart.
It broke something deep inside,
and I can't fix it.
My heart is fragile
and it won't let me love again,
not like 'that'...
I can do friendship,
I can do that.
The kind where I can walk away
when I feel trapped
and I think you might hurt me.
And the only reason you will follow
is to ask if i'm okay
and if I want to share the cookies you made
because you made too many
and thought of me.
The kind of friendship where I can trust you,
just enough to hug you,
and you might let me take care of you
when you are sick.
The kind where I will always be there for you,
but you won't ask anything more from me,
you won't ask me to love you,
because you know I am giving you everything,
everything I have already.
I can do the kind of friendship
where I will give you the pretty button,
the one I found on the way home.
I will give it to you and insist that you keep it,
because it's beautiful,
like you.
The kind of friendship where I will make you
chicken soup when you are ill,
and softly stroke your hair
and sing you to sleep.
I will rub your feet when you are tired
and paint your toes. :o)
I will make you phone your Mum
and share my last chewing gum with you.
I will remember your birthday
and read you stories
and make you waffles.
I will listen to you tell me how your day was
and not interrupt.
I will support your decisions and respect your views.
I will let you have the tv remote
and write you notes in your lunch
with a picture of a weasel..
or something equally ridiculous.
Just so that you are happy.
I can do that.
But I can't do love...
not the kind I know about,
'that' kind of love never ends well.
And I want us to end well
or not end at all.
I can do friendship,
I can do that.
I can do that with you
for the rest of my life.
I still have a slightly twisted view of relationships,
what is healthy and what is not.
It's hard to unlearn ingrained behaviours.
But I don't think I will ever allow myself
to go through that again,
to fall in love...
if that's what it ever was.
Love?... nope.
Friendship?... yes!
I can do that,
with a passion.