5 Reasons I stay awake at Night:

Escape .

From the monotony of waking up and taking the same crap from the same life, no matter how many times I shuffle the deck, these are still the cards I've been given
From the nightmarish dreams of reliving my best low-lights and missteps, and coming to terms that I might never be all that I've wanted to be

From the cold reality that these sleepless nights hold the only comforts I truly have left, inside the pages of a yellowed journal, battered and bleeding ink from its blurred lines.

Distraction.

Binging another series on Netflix always sounded more appealing than taking another night to cry into my already soaking pillow until I pass out again

Playing through Pokémon fire red and naming my rival "******" was fun when I was 12, so why stop now? Even though its my.. 132nd attempt.

There is always another more obscure indie band that might somehow understand me better, and I cant leave that unheard.

Fear.

I am so afraid that when I sleep, I might never wake up from that slumber. Not that I'm afraid to die, I'm scared of how badly I want to at times

I'm terrified I will see familiar faces in my best dreams only to wake up and remember they are still gone, and I have to go on without them.
I'm afraid of tomorrow. So maybe if I stay awake past the point of sleep, far beyond tired, I can always stay one step ahead...right?

Loneliness.

How am I supposed to crawl into a half-made bed, alone when it was made for two? Your body should be here next to mine, but I cant remember the last time I felt that.

If you were beside me, It would be easier for me to drift off through the atom bombs and revving chainsaws that are my addled mind.
I'll lie awake and stare at this pure white ceiling, and think of how Michael Collins must have felt on the dark side of the moon. Sometimes I envy him.

Me.

I know inevitably, my hollow and tired bones will have to shatter as I crawl on top of the broken shards of glass that is my mattress. As I grab the blanket made of flames, I pull it up to my throat, feeling its scalding touch steel the oxygen from my lungs, the asphyxiation slowly taking me under again.

As these shards seep deep into my now lacerated skin, I feel the heavy chains of my bed frame grab me and hold me in my broken solitude, as that sweet mistress of death floats above me, gently reaching out to me.
How beautiful she is, she leans in for that sweet kiss of the end of all things, my lips tremble as I meet up to greet her, but these chains keep me just close enough to feel her cold breath, never enough to feel that serene deadly poison she offers.

But how bad I want to on days when my bed holds me hostage, to kiss her in my bed until everything turns black.

I saw you again today, but i didn't
He looked just like you, except he wasn't
now the tears that roll down my reddened face
are from the shattered love i can't replace

The old cars on the street remind me of you
when we were in the garage, like we used to do
now the wrenches are replaced with books,
and the tools taken off of their hooks
but i won't forget the times we shared
working on trucks in need of repairs

My life has become a joke
once you left everything went up in smoke
i try so hard to keep my head up high
but it's impossible to actually fight the sky

If i believed in God, or thought he was real
maybe my family would understand how i feel
if they stopped saying i'll see him again,
maybe i wouldn't miss my best friend

Reality is the cruellest of sisters
it turns you like the strongest of twisters
tears apart your life, like a house with no nails
or drags you down to the sea,
like a boat without sails

Maybe one day i won't feel the pain,
when someone nonchalantly mentions your name
though i highly doubt that would be true
Because dad, i ******* miss you,

So let me stuff my pockets with roses and daffodils,
And walk up to the soldiers sitting on the hills,
And let them cry as I place those flowers in their rifles, and the dead grass beneath their feet will fill with a brilliant green, and the tears down their face will know the pain and suffering of
war.

Sometimes I pity myself,
Just take my esteem and pride and throw it on a shelf
let it sit and collect more dust
cover it up in a coat of rust
But there are these people in my life who bring a rag and some polish
Keep me on path and bring me knowledge
Because without them my trophies are dull
When I'm alone I'm just a boring hull
So as I look back through my span of time
I know its you, who makes me shine.

8 years ago my dad died
And today I still sit here and ask myself why
What did I do to deserve this punishment
Who took hold of my life, and filled it with excrement?
6 months later almost passed away
Diagnosed with diabetes, learned how to deal with it each day
Now its pushing me down, leaving me feeling gray
And I'm hurting inside, but I'll just hide it anyways
Yeah I never learned the way others really did
Guess growing up without a father ain't no way for a kid
Now I'm stuck inside a hole feeling like I've done wrong
And my only simple solace is the words in this song
Because the sweat on my back doesn't mean that its over
And this pain that I carry is the burden on my shoulders
I ain't talking about quitting or just keeling over
Because I'm fighting with my all, I'm an emotional soldier.
8 years later and not much has changed
11 visits to the hospital and I'm the one to blame
Blood draws every other hour, and an insulin drip
thinking to myself, why am I still in this ****?
3 years in and my depression is crippling
Hours spent self loathing, when I should have been healing
Now I'm sitting in bed, listenin' to myself talk
And my head is hung low, buried inside my thoughts
Because the sweat on my back doesn't mean that its over
And this pain that I carry is the burden on my shoulders
I ain't talking about quitting or just keeling over
Because I'm fighting with my all, I'm an emotional soldier
Almost 20 years old, still naïve in my youth,
Can't deal with my pain, refuse to swallow the truth
Yeah I'm pushing and fighting with all of my might
But its hard to deal with dark, when you're searchin' for the light.

They tell me I have a right to be angry and I deserve to be mad, that I should have spite for having things taken from me, what I once happily had
But I don't know what I should have hate for, what's justified in my wrath, should I have direction-less disdain? Or just destroy everything in my path?
I think its a bit sad that I think I have no true place in this life. to be filled with virtue and talent, yet I choose to cut myself down with a knife. Say I don't care, or I'm OK with not having joy, for crushing my hopes and dreams when I was still just a boy
Maybe tomorrow will be different. maybe tomorrow I'll change. But who's to say I won't wallow in my own self pity and continue to choose to stay the same?
They say that god allows us to go through these trials because he knows we can get through them, and stay on our course. I hate to break it to you, all mighty lord, but you may have bet on the wrong color, on the wrong horse.

I went out for breakfast alone, thinking of you.
Reminded of when we would rush to the diner
Not far from our home, a few hours before noon.
I remember the wood booths, because we wouldn't take tables,
And the French toast and the syrup, eating as many as I was able.
When we would blow bubbles in our milk, mom would ask us to not
But you would join in, and she'd her roll her eyes, and laugh with us lot.
The big family gatherings were always my favorite. 20 plus people all crammed in the corner of Brooks, I can still taste it.
A hint of laughter, a dash of bad jokes, a lot of pancakes,
And a tad of cigarette smoke. But those were the days I felt best, when I look back to them, there's a smaller hole in my chest.
I miss that old diner, where I heard your bad puns
Where we sat down and ate, not just because they served buns.
I miss the feeling that I had when you took me out for pie. But who was I to know that one day you'd die.
I love you. More than anything. And I know you can't come back. But all the same, I'll still cherish those moments, when I remember your name.