Inner most feelings leave me in an unbalanced state
complex schizophrenia causes emotional self hate
innate past delusions not learned from harsh reality i sustain
emotional hell i endure of psychosis and paranoia to remain
negative unjust doldrums with no way out to possibly escape
mental anguish causing sleep deprivation in really bad shape 
to rise from this psychotic fall takes every ounce of strength i have
i find a way to adapt a positive attitude and tend to my mind with salve
when the worst of the worst is over a need to survive takes its hold
an ability to live life again free from hurt and thoughts controlled
i seek necessary help to continue my path to process how to heal
inability to comprehend the harsh outlook that felt so real
strength is derived as positiveness that does prevail again
only fear i have is repeating my suffering its just a case of when?

At the beginning when god created ***;
He didn't create a stud and a temptress 
He didn't intend *** to be sordid 
Sins of the flesh wont be rewarded 

One who has lustful intent has committed adultery,
****** immorality is passion, evil desire is idolatry,

To be married is what the bible does envisage, 
So God created man in his own image,
To abstain from the passions of the flesh
Adulterers are bound to hell their souls to enmesh 
Sins of *** wage war against your soul
Husband and wife should honor each role

The act was intended for procreation
Not the result of heated flirtation
We now live in a world that is depraved 
How many of us will see their soul saved?

A life uninhabited by the suicide soul
life ground him down and took its toll
once a fruitful hardworking life endured
grandeur created from dreams obscured 
Being an Entrepreneur creating millionaire lifestyle
every year that past money making was futile
The fairground life was all that he had known 
a place for amusement a place where he'd grown
betrayed by his peers sold out now insubstantial
business driven only means to survive were financial 
life meaningless with all accomplishment now worthless
a requirement to living had now become surplused
esculating worry of money, health decreasing
only one outcome, a need to end it increasing
showing a deceptive facade to all he was fine
April 5th was the date to end a 50 year lifetime
accompanied by whiskey, gun and a Dictaphone
he recorded drunken passages of time all alone
He had drove and drove to his final destination
a desolate place for the act and no hesitation
pulled out a double barreled shot gun, lay on the bank
with a one shot to the head where the bullet sank.

I pray to the angels and celestial powers above,
to look after those we miss and we love,
I pray for my mother and father's souls to be free,
I hope they are able to watch over me,
I pray for their guidance in everything I do,
and for their understanding and forgiveness too,
forgiveness and chance to write any wrong,
A chance to be with them once more I do long,
I do not feel the need to lay flowers to signify loss,
Everyday your in my thoughts and never forgot, 
You both passed suddenly and was taken away,
Eternal peace for your souls I do pray,
I hope you know how much I loved you,
You are both missed so much that much is true.

I cant live with my profound instability  
I cant be the poison and the remedy
I can inform, enlighten, give an idea;
cant explain how my reality's so severe
Not willing to accept that I am actually an addict
That my day to day life is controlled by a habit
Over indulgence in substance abuse
Determined by no reasonable excuse
Taunted by inner demons I have created
Suffer of Psychotic schizophrenia; drug related
Will power ceases to exist never to reappear
Self control lost with the inability to commandeer
Sobriety brings lack of interest, days mundane
From the daily use of speed i must refrain
The need for a high overcomes any felt lows
No lesson learnt from how bad my mind goes
My own worst enemy from drug dependency
No one else to blame because of ascendancy
ever seeking that intoxicating rush and feeling
until i realise that its from addiction i need freeing.

This life can throw me off course
Break me down with remorse
Spend time wishing for a more desirable reality
Or face life's harsh moments and brutality
No matter what this life throws at me
I'm blessed with a peaceful way to see
I am a deep believer in the afterlife
Which relives me from any such strife
The belief that there's a world beyond this;
Evokes peace to any troubles simply made painless
Loss is replaced with hope, a brighter outlook to sustain
Eternal peace for our souls to live on and remain
Safe in the knowing I’ll see loved ones again
Peacefulness fills my mind  no more sorrow and pain
Strength gained from life's hurt and despair
Lessons teaching us from past mistakes we do bear
So even at the darkest of times endured;
Peace shall prevail  from my beliefs  I’m assured.

I wish I had gotten to say goodbye
You are missed so much its for you I cry
Your passing was too sudden to quick to understand
Never again to proceed with future I had  planned
Losing you was the worst hurt I have ever had to endure
I know we will be reunited when its my time I’m sure
I long to see you again to be with you once more
A piece of my soul will be missing forever more
Grief has consumed me making my outlook bleak
Taken every ounce of strength to stop me being weak
I never got to tell you how much I really loved you
Never got to evaluate all that we've been through
Nor did I get to savour precious last moments
If only I had someone who could act as a proponent;
To show me how to voice my  feelings of hurt and loss
To fill the emptiness my soul now has at any cost
I not only lost a mother I lost a friend as well
I’m barely surviving this distraught emotional hell
If only I could see you one more time I’d say how much it hurts
Instead of keeping the feelings inside and hidden from the world.