Force and fluidity and
Strength
Swimming through
Thick-as-porridge water
Fifty meters gone by
Calm and serene ripples of laden
Muscle and
Waves
A dollop of chlorine soaked into your skin
Fragrant beyond belief
The artificial lake
A square
Of stony beach and
Eight foot deep
Marina trenches
Catch your heavy breath
And react to the adrenaline
Sink deep into the
Blue-black liquid
Admire flecks of
Melted silver emanating
From the fluorescence above
Land on the bottom
With weighted feet then
Push back up and break the surface
Breathe again

you make my heart feel
like it's being submerged in sweet agony
and tender love

it's such a contradicting feeling
that one would think it hurts

but it reminds me that you chose me
and i'm choosing you too

(i)'m sitting right next to you in English class
and i (can) smell the cologne i memorized for six months
(like) warm cinnamon bread and   air
it's specifically (you)
and (i) keep dreaming of you
(just) when i smell that
and i absolutely (can't) forget it
can you please forget about me, (love)?
(you) don't deserve the horrid memories.

I know it seems overrated half the time
But
*******
It is hard to let go of someone that you loved
And sometimes I think that I'm just another cliche girl
With an obsession for acting pathetic
But
With eyes like yours it was awfully hard to
Forget what you looked like saying you
*Loved me too

He loves her now.
Those words rattle over and over through my bones
And in between my very synapses
Like loose screws and the wavering chords in a cloudless blue sky

I can see your hands still gliding
Like death over the ivory tusks of a piano
Heaven raining down in small bits of music onto your head
And spilling like glass onto the floor around you

My heart is pooling like liquid silver at the soles of your soul
And I can feel my brain turning to mush because you look at me
With those cloudless blue eyes
The chords wavering in them, too

He loves her now
The four words are penetrating my very skin
Boring holes into the withering glances of passerbys
As they hustle on their way like flecks of trash on the wind
Like a spool of thread in a gust of air

I didn't think that it would end this way
But then again who doesn't
It always ends in the falling of snow like quiet ghosts around you
Silent as death itself

It always ends in the wind rushing through your head
In one ear and out the other
Shaking your mind until nothing makes sense anymore
And *we were the only thing that made sense

As cliche as that sounds the vague impression of your body pressed in mine
Was the only clue that you might have loved me with half your heart
And all of your head
Instead of just half of both or all of one

He loves her now
I want that to be okay for now
The affection for attention so overpowering that it turns into unadulterated
******* love
Pure wisps of breath on a hushed breast and heaving lungs

So turn your lips to her ecstatic face and kiss that sunlight from her gleaming mouth
She has the world in the palm of her hand because you are her world
And she might be your universe but something so vast can't be looked at
Through a beating heart

He loves her now
That may not be me but by God it's a somebody with an ocean in their voice
That quivers whenever they speak
And seagulls flying in their hands as they touch your face
With a foam breath that smells like freedom and hope

She's not darkness
She's not a black hole that brings in all light but doesn't ever give it away

She's the cloudless blue sky that you look up at and take pictures of
Listening to those steady chords that play like the world is just beginning

He loves her now

And that's okay

Sometimes the days feel sad and kind of misshapen
Like they are heavier on one side than the other
More time balanced during the morning than the night
And a lot of days when we were friends
It felt like the days were perfectly even
Smoothed out like silk across a wooden table
Like the mornings went at a normal pace because you kept me sane
And the evenings faded into night as our messages got deeper and deeper
Then the nights spread out like canvas and our dreams painted the surface
But now I can't keep up with the evenings
And the mornings don't come to an end

I don't want to have a future
I'm afraid
How do I fear something that hasn't yet come to pass?

i. that coffee shop is still one of my favourites. your hair was shorter, at least in comparison. i remember that you always got a macchiato, and i always got a ***** chai. i think that we started falling in love then. it tasted like that chai; new and full of so many things.

ii. i'd like to think i'm soft and beautiful, like the skim of creme on the top of your coffee. i think that i started out like that, rounded edges and gentle quietness. i think my words used to come more easily, dashing off of my tongue. but now, my mouth is hardened cliffs and bevelled hillsides. i'm not the creme.

iii. you're the happy sweetness of cinnamon on fresh bread in the morning. the sun that spills over your browbone tastes like familiarity and comfort. the mornings would be better with you.

iv. if you are like the wind, then i am the candle.

v. you're favourite animals are cats and i'd say it's fitting. they're slinking and shadowy. but outwardly, they're soft eyes and lithe. just like you.

I used to care about things
I don't anymore
And I guess that's my own **** fault
I mean
I fell in love
But you pushed a blade
And I missed you
But you shot a bullet
And I guess I am just confused
As to how things came
To be like this

Craving something so impossible yet so
Wanted
Wishing for that small wish which is too far
Away
Hoping for that first time, that first, meaningful
Time
In which your lips meet
Mine
And we close our eyes and breathe in the
Other
But alas, I am a hopeless and romantic
Mess
A fantasy girl that nobody
Wants
So I shall wait for the absolute perfect
One
Wish upon the dead and falling stars that claim to have
Luck
And on every 11:11 clasp my hands and
Pray
Because I have figured out, I can't wait
*Forever

For the first time, last night
I literally cried all my tears out
It felt good to feel the pain
Of the shivering emanating from
My heart
I couldn't keep my eyes closed tight enough
And my jaw wouldn't unclench
From its lock around my tongue
And when I sobbed
It shook my entire being
And rattled my teeth
And echoed in the covers
My legs curled into my chest
Trying to hold my bleeding heart in
I couldn't grab it though
I tried tearing it out
Clawing at my sternum until red
Rakes lined the flesh
I fell asleep somewhere around 1 A.M.
And today I can hardly keep my eyes open
I think I have already fallen asleep
In one class
But things are blurring together
And I'm not complaining because
It feels too **** good to be
Oblivious

I lay my head down on my pillow
          it is soft and down, a sheeps underbelly
I can't help but to whisper to the stars
          "how is the weather up there? come down here."
There's a breeze knocking on my window
          it wants to lie by my side and share warmth
A bit of snow catches in the drifts on the sills
          i can become a snowflake whenever i'd like
They tell me that the world isn't good anymore
          they tell me that i can't play god like I used to
I look up at the ceiling
          *and i let go....

Your lips were kissed by angels
And your sweet, sweet smile stole the breath from my lungs

Your hand was so soft, yet so unforgiving when it wrapped itself around my neck
You choked the love out of me, strangled the words from my mouth

And I stood there while you did so

The mortuary stopped accepting bodies when it saw what you did to my heart
The coroner no longer wished to see how love could destroy anything

From the smallest, softest, most delicate petal of a flower

To a foolish heart with no more room to do anything but bleed

The bedroom walls don the shadows of the falling snowflakes
Through the window boughs swing heavy with crystals
Shimmering in the muted light of the crescented moon
Tracks of invisible animals impressed into that white
A wind whistling through empty corridors of an abandoned house
With a chandelier twisting in the ecstatic breeze
Flurries whipping frantically through that chilled air
Winter

With leaves so rainbowed
And sky like ice
In the heart of fall the trees
Bear witness to true loss
With veining gold fronds
Of deepening red
Fluttering to dormant soil
Met by sleeping grasses
Whispering in the cool breeze
swish swish
Swaying to and fro
In the hard packed ground
As I trudge thru
The crumbling leaves
That disintegrate underfoot
Like drying sugar
Lay down and inhale
That warmth of fall
With colours flowing
Thru the currents on the wind
Brown and red
Orange and yellow
Fire licking the senses
And hearing the birds
Winding down for the winter
Fall

Please don't abandon me
I can see the hope fleeing from your eyes
Fleeing from me
I know I'm a mess honey
But please
*Please don't abandon me

Lately I've been feeling a lot more lonely than usual
And I'm not sure if it's because of the weather or
The fact that I see you everyday again.
It's like you're on a cliff, dangling.
I can see you there and I can feel you there
But I don't make an attempt to save you.
At the same time I make sure that you don't fall
Because if you fell from the face of my earth
Well,
I don't know what I would do.

maybe it is simply best to walk through a day half asleep
run a hand through your hair and a finger over your cheeks
stare blankly at the teacher and pretend to listen
act like nothing's wrong and fake a laugh that bubbles
feign a bright smile to make people happy
hope nobody sees your deadened eyes and waning mood
don't tell them you aren't happy at all
that bruises are lining your legs again and tears stain your pillow
don't tell them you aren't happy
that you don't have as strong of a will to live anymore
that your calorie intake is slimming because
you
just
aren't
hungry anymore.
don't tell them you aren't happy

i. when i wake up my eyes are new again, if only for a brief second. the haze of lingering dreams makes the soft light coming from my window look like it has no edges. the remnants of the love i felt for you in my sleep whisks away into my pillows and back between the folds of my blankets. it keeps me coming back to bed, keeping me slumbering amongst the fog of feelings i no longer know.

ii. in the moments before i fall asleep, my brain boards a canoe made of fireflies and wishful thinking. the Giver of Sleep rows us both through the doorways to nightmares and archways of fantastical dreams. we drift on the currents of the dimly lit room my body lays in. when a door slams somewhere down the hall, the canoe shudders, the Giver flinches, lays his hands on the water to still its trembling. And allows me to sleep.

iii. the closest i've come to feeling like i'm flying is when my body thinks it's hurtling off a cliff before i fall asleep. the yank of lucidness tugging on the nape of my neck reminds me that for a few hours my body will come as close to dying as it ever has. my heart doesn't want to slow, my brain doesn't want to dim the currents. my synapses aren't quite prepared to go quietly.

iv. being awake has never held as much appeal to me as being asleep. you reside in my dreams, not in my arms.

v. i usually remember a lot about my dreams, but i never remember the laughter. is there ever singing laughter that the people of my imagination let loose in a burst of happiness? maybe i just never dream of things that are truly happy. maybe my mind wants a break from being pleasant. maybe it wants to be sad.

Do you know who you are?
Have you figured out where you belong in this world?
Where have your morals gone?
Where have your boundaries gone?
Cigarettes used to be enticing but I don't want to taste them on your lips.
When I swim I think of the similarities between drowning in water and drowning in your words.
Both feel like I'm inhaling nothing but space and the universe.
It's devastating but it gets the job done of killing me either way.

I’m drunk,
like,
actualy drunk and i find that all i want is you,
still,
even affter ive forgotten alot of other peoples names.
i think my brain is fried and i still don’t care because the psrt that holds you is still ther and i think thats all that matters, really.

A star is dying
Somewhere in the space
Of out vast universe
It is creating iron
The second it makes
That small atom of
Metal
It is doomed to
Death
An imploding of
Gas and bits of
Stardust
Overtake planets
And other sister
Stars
And a nebula
Forms
New life and new
Beings
They create us
And every molecule
Of atom
We are ultimately made
From different stars
Parts of one
Half of another
We are
Star Children

SOMETIMES IT GETS REALLY HARD
TO BREATH AND SOMETIMES I THINK
IM DYING BUT I FIGURE THAT I DIED
AWHILE AGO AND YOURE THE
RESPIRATOR THATS KEEPING ME
ALIVE

I wish you had heard the bird
Echo a hidden fairy tale
Then offer travels with an elephant to you.
Are we ready for the circus life?

i. the world doesn’t know what time is. it has no sense of lovers falling apart after 3 years of loving. it doesn’t feel the clocks turning or the people ageing. it lives in a quiet routine of breathing and sighing its discontent into the oceans and into its angry volcanos. and it continues turning without the notion that its rock show age far before its waters do.

ii. do you regret what decisions you’ve made? looking back, i really wasn’t the one for you. but that doesn’t mean i didn’t try my hardest to believe we were all that existed. when you look in the mirror, does your reflection let you know that you’ve lost a little too much? I could have told you that myself.

iii. dogs like dying alone. it’s some sort of ancient pack instinct. weakness is hidden, death is quiet and discreet. i wonder if that’s why people start separating themselves before they shut off. death is a lonely thing. especially when all you have is yourself. the least you could let me do is hold your hand.

iv. you left me in a few short words and a text. you didn’t come visit me. you didn’t even give me the half-hearted dignity of a phone call. were you with her as you broke my heart? was she dousing you with shots of whiskey, telling you that it was the right thing? if you got closure, then at least one of us got what we wanted.

v. i’ve never been left behind by a bus or anything. i don’t miss my opportunities very often. but you were the first thing to ever leave me behind. even when i yelled and waved my arms. i’d never missed an opportunity until i started missing you.

The crying stops eventually
The sadness does not

When the night grabs ahold of my lapels and shakes me until my mind rattles, I submit and hang limply from its fingers until it drops me onto my pillow to rot until the morning.

And morning comes and reminds me that even with sunlight the sadness does not stop. It grabs my cheeks and stares me in the eyes until I remember to breathe and then it pushes me away into the abyss of late afternoon where the first tendrils of night begin to reach for my collar once more.

The endless cycle of being too alive for feeling so empty.

A human can't fathom the extent of the universe
Unless they realize that they are created from it

These days haven't been the same without you
I've said it a million times
But it's become just a nagging in the back of my head
A tug on the nape of my neck
"Where is he?"

It's almost like you never existed
Although I can still see you out of the corner of my eye
Sometimes you'll slip into focus
Then out
Like a microscope lens was brought closer
And then lost

What was it like to laugh with me?
I can't quite remember the last time we kissed
Was it in your car with the windows fogged over and words
Written with a shaking finger through the condensation.

What ever happened to being friends?
I know that you thought we could never be anything but lovers
But we could have tried to be less.
We knew each other inside and out before we became one
It's like we forgot how to memorize voices and touches

Being sad about this seems silly
But nostalgia's a ***** when it makes a home in your heart
And dwelling on the past doesn't help things
Especially when all you can think of is what I could have said to you
These days

Both of us have fallen apart
Have you noticed that?
You're in some deep ****, honey.
I'm somewhere up in the universe without air and nothing but star dust making my throat close up.

in the way it comes slow, then all at once.

the sun seemed warm today
kind of like how you seemed warm
the grass was cold and brown
i hope it isn't totally dead
the trees wilted when i walked under them
i even made the plants sad
things aren't the same anymore
im sad
somethings missing
in the snapchats i wanted to send you
in the letters i wanted to give you
in the unwritten words i wanted to write for you
somethings different
and i don't know whether or not
it's good or bad

His hair was dark as pitch, night dripping from the ends of the long strands. His eyes were bluer than that of the sky, clearer than the ocean and more crystal than a diamond underwater. His lips, full and ever-smiling, crooked and wicked. Pale rose with teeth white in between and a tongue that teased with a simple flick over his lips. The line of his jaw was strong, the angles of his cheekbones and nose chiseled fine enough to cut. He had the face that you would want to see last before you died, or fell asleep so that the imprint was left behind your eyelids. His hands were slender, long fingers tapered to slim tips that could caress you into dreams deeper than that of the universe. His wrists were small but not so much that you could break them, and they grew into wiry muscled arms, strong enough to embrace you and lull you to love. His chest, wider than his hips which were slim, the kind that jeans hung onto and slid off of. His waist was trim, and his abdomen carried a lank pack of abs. His legs, lean and long drifted over the ground when he ran to talk to you with his smile all off center.
He moved like a gazelle, graceful like the wind that whipped a flag into a frenzy. He could hurdle in track like he hurdled my heart, just barely but enough to skim it with the toe of his left foot. He caught me between the tread of his hand and the material of his skin.
He listened to me as intently as a rabbit listening for a fox, but with much more movement than an ear twitch. He cried with me, laughed with me, sighed with me. He huddled me between the wall and his chest and stilled my shivers caused by the monsters under my skin and the closets in my mind. And he loved me enough to make me whole again, squeeze me back together with the glue of his adoration. I fixed him, too, fitting him into place among my missing puzzle pieces that I had lost long ago. Never did I know that more than one person fit my edges.
And he isn’t real yet. But I feel as if he will come along, meet my eyes, match my timid smile with a full blown grin and grab my heart in both of his cupped palms.

The minute you said you loved me...
I don't know what I thought
Maybe it was fantasy
Maybe it was dreaming
I think I thought things would be good
Wonderful, in fact
But I realized now that
I was sort of....
Afraid
To say it back
I should have realized
That loving is something
That should be feared

A field of daisies
A field of roses
It makes no difference to me if they
Are red or if they are
White
I mean really
A flower is a flower
Beauty of different kinds
And they hardly mean anything anyway
Flowers wilt in a few days
And you symbolize our love in a measly
Plant?

She was f-u-l-l and stuffed to the brim.
Not another thing could be shoved down her throat
She was silent though,
Deathly quiet because she was in actuality
E-m-p-t-y,
Empty of food, that is.
She was full of emotion and feelings and
Suicides
Her wrists whispered those attempts
And her legs moaned those failed tries
Her throat ached with pills stuck there
And her neck was ringed red with burns
Her blue nails wailed underfed
Her blue lips screamed lacking.
So she took a k-n-i-f-e,
A big, butchered blade
A laid it flat against her sewn on skin.
And she shaved off the first layer of shield
And then she swiped off the second layer
To reveal nothing but words underneath,
Crawling out like spiders and centipedes.
She screamed and shook them away onto the floor.
Then she took that k-n-i-f-e,
That big, butchered blade,
And pressed it to her battered heart
And let it slide in with slow precision.
And she didn't feel anything because there was nothing there.
And she let the words crumple to the tile
Along with those bright red droplets of
Tears.
By the time she was found, she was no longer
F-u-l-l,
But rather very very
*E-m-p-t-y

there was a letter stuck between the pages of my journal
that i forgot i had
it was from you

you had written to me how much happiness i gave you
and how you would do anything as long as it was with me
you told me you loved me

i cried when you gave it to me and now i'm crying as i'm reading it
thinking about how i put so much stock into the scribbled words
how i took it as a promise that you'd always love me

and i promised that i'd never leave you

i kept up my end of the promise
so i'm giving you the letter back to let you know the deal is off
i'm still here saying "as long as it's with you..."

Hold my bones together as they are falling to dust
And keep my chin lifted up with the fine tip of your pointed finger

Make sure that my eyes never stray from yours
Keep them there with a glance such as that of a hundred galaxies

See to it that my soul is alight with a fire as bright as that of the sun
Burning flames and all

I want to hear you tell me that I'm the most wonderful thing you've ever seen
In a voice that echoes down the tunnels of my heart into my chest

Maybe you could caress my cheek and whisper in my ear that nothing compares
To the thousands of doves that claw the inside of your stomach
Until they are calmed by my touch

Someday the feeling of being lost at sea without a companion will vanish
And the feeling of being lost at sea with a companion will come back

And then we'll find land together.

there are sheets of paper lying scattered around my room
they are to you
the lines are filled with words untold and
things i could never tell you with a straight face
it's like i took a blade and cut up my heart into
thin enough slices to read
the black pen is blotched and splattered
i couldn't stop my hand from shaking
there is one letter for every day of the past week
i'm tempted to leave them around
see if you find them or not
see if you get the hint that you are the cause of things
i don't feel anything after i'm done writing
i'm done with it
i have spilled my blood too many times to count
i drink a fine wine called bleach to get rid of the taste of you

A crack and a clap of thunder                                                          ­      
Makes you jump                                                             ­                       
Steam rolling off the cement                                                           ­           
In tidal waves of fog                                                              ­                    
The scent of freshly washed                                                           ­           
Leaves and pavement                                                         ­                     
Fresh in flared nostrils                                                         ­                 
The sound of the downpour                                                         ­         
Slaps your ears with splats                                                           ­             
Of condensation                                                     ­                               
But then the clouds rumble by                                                          
Freight train roaring                                                          ­                    
Full steam ahead                                                            ­                          
Lightening striking    
So close you can smell the
Burning scorch
Of electric
And then gone in a wisp of smoke

The day that you finally left me
I think that mountains crumbled into the sea
The Heavens collapsed upon Hell
And the universe left my eyes and
Fled into yours

A bird does not fly because it wishes to get away
It flies because of the sole fact it has to in order to survive

Why must we think that flying is only to get away?
To escape and be gone?

When in fact, we could see ourselves flying in order to live.
Only then, can we think of being unchained from the ground.

the dreams are the most horrifying. they come to me in resin-covered gems, sparkling like little tears. they wreath my sleep in lazy circles and make me sleep too deeply.

you spoke to me in a voice like blame last night. i stared at you with fire in my lungs, seeping smoke into the space between us.

i think i love you still, a muscle-tense love with shivers down its spine. what's that love called? is it tough love? maybe hate? something more anxious?

i wake up crystalized and pulled fresh from the water. and you follow me on the tails of my weariness throughout the day.

you did choose somebody new, although she doesn't know she's the leader of a few swamp-hearted girls. they **** him in and spit out a monster.

can you ******* sick-sweet longing? is it dripping from your rafters, from the eves of you? i send it to you sometimes, bow wrapped and heavy.

there were four nights that kept me held down with blunt teeth and little hushes. you soft edged memories in my head provided the dark with fodder.

if i was any sadder i'd become the rain and the flood that follows it

my heart has been heavier but it's never been more waterlogged than it is right now

it keeps remembering you and your smile and it keeps thinking that maybe it has a chance

it's foolish and i should never listen to it but i am also foolish and always listen to it

How sweet it was to be loved by you
But now we have to let go for good