Slowly
But not surely
Am I gaining feeling
In my broken mind
Again

I held a galaxy that told you
"Please don't say goodbye"
And you didn't care

Dear J,
Sometimes I wish that I could still hold your hand or run a few fingers down your cheek and look into your eyes to see that you love me. Except I can't because both you and I have someone new. Which is what we need. As humans we need the comfort of a different person to satisfy the loneliness our hearts feel.
    But sometimes a puzzle piece doesn't feel quite the same way and when that happens we're left with gaps in our memories and small holes in the roofs over our heads. And the rain gets in.
    Do you miss not relying on medication and not wishing you were sometimes dead? Because I do. I wish I didn't always think the sun used to be brighter and I miss when I thought nothing was more brilliant than you. I miss when I could laugh anything because I was carefree and because I had you.
    Do you miss having me? I know it seems shallow and I know that when a puzzle piece does fit, you don't really want to take the two apart, but what if the hiccups in the pattern are worth the weather it brings?

You're like a breath of fresh air

A breeze that carries hope and promise on it's currents and holds a scent similar to freedom

And those eyes of yours

When I first saw them I thought that heaven had come down to kiss me on the lips and tenderly caress my worried cheek because God was all I saw in them

Your hands are so gentle

Like the flutter of a delicate bird and the breath of a fawn as it takes it's first steps, unsure and unknowing, afraid to break what cannot be broken

And sometimes I can't help but to wonder if love is real and kind and patient after all like a blooming flower or a ripple of water

Because seeing that tenderness in your eyes is eerily real to me, which is unusual
But it's something I could get used to looking at

Give me my bravery back
Give me my thoughts back
The ones that have hopes and dreams and freedom
Give me my body back
Give me my hands back
The ones that long to touch and feel something new again
Give me my life back
Give me my eyes and my brain and my lungs and my breath
All of it was wasted on inhaling you and seeing you and thinking that you would end up loving me for longer than I loved you.

whenever you think about giving up

just think about all of the things there are to do

there are so many more stars to count and beaches to lay on and skies to look at and clouds to make shapes from

there are so many more sunsets to watch and sunrises to sip cocoa to and summer days to swim and winter evenings to read during

maybe the beauty of the world is overwhelming but so are the beautiful people

and those people are the people you love and adore and would love to love

they could be parents and siblings and lost lovers and current partners

but think of this: how would they feel if you were gone?

if they love you as much as i think they do

*they'd die on the inside with you

I'm so sad that my body aches with it
I think it's telling me that things aren't right anymore
That maybe things can't be fixed
And it's nights like this where I want nothing more than to vanish
From the face of the earth
I used to be happy only a moment ago
But it flies away into the clouds that you take pictures of
Where all you see is beauty
But really it's just a bunch of water droplets that have collected
To form a whole
And you see the sun like it's your God
But you aren't a flower and you aren't beautiful like one either
Not anymore
The storm we just had ripped your petals off
And you just stood there trying to take pictures
Smiling
Laughing
Wondering about
How something so wonderful could lose its charm after it hails

*I was wondering the same thing

Do not hold a grudge against yourself
For not forgiving the one who hurt you most.
Forgive yourself instead,
For letting them turn around
For letting them stand up as you sit down.

If they cannot handle your brightness
Your darkness
Your heavy
And your light
Then why feel bad for instead keeping them at a distance?

Do not feel as though they should be forgiven
Just because they shouted a halfhearted "sorry" from a distance.
Do not hold a grudge against yourself
For not forgiving the one that made you hard to the world.

they say that i'll get over him
but when they say that they aren't thinking about the same things as me

about how he moved on inside of two weeks after we broke up
and how i had loved him unconditionally for the past 9 months of my life
or how he knows my secrets and i know his and that's what trust is, right?

he wasn't mine
and i think i believed that he was for too long
and now it's turned into a habit

Dear J,
   Happiness is a relative thing, or so I've learned. There are different versions of it. Your happiness probably differs from mine, which is most likely the reason we don't talk anymore. Your happiness didn't mesh with my own, causing some friction that lit a fire, at first starting love but then flaming into contradiction. That's okay. Happiness being a relative thing keeps us all from enjoying too much of one thing.
   You see, as humans we always expect that the people we love most share same interests and ideas and joys. However, this is wholly untrue. The most compatible couples have completely different opinions on what makes life better than others. This ensures that we have a wide variety of happinesses to choose from. If we were stuck with one our whole lives that happiness would eventually become nothing more than regularity. And that's another reason we became nothing more than acquaintances.
   Our happiness became so norm that we abandoned it in hopes that a new joy would come along, taming the fire of contradiction. When nothing was directed our way we instead became bored. And that's also okay because a little boredom reawakens our old happinesses.
   So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I hope you found your happiness. Whether that be the way the sun falls on her laughing mouth or the music you write or the poems you read, I really hope that they make you see what life can be about with this happiness in it. I loved you so much you became my happiness, and then you outgrew the position. Become someone else's happiness now.
              Love, Claire

i. despising someone is a silent affair. you sit and brood, mull over all the hideous facets of this hate. there's guilt, maybe some shame, but your heart doesn't acknowledge this. why should it? after all, they say listen to your heart, and after he stamped his name on it, all it knows is him. and if that means retaining this small inkling of hate, then so be it.

ii. there's a suffering that accompanies hating someone you almost loved. you're all of the sudden torn completely by these two opposite feelings. somewhere the love you were harbouring is rotting and fermenting; that makes your chest suffer. and somewhere the hate you are creating is burning and eating and boiling; this makes your stomach suffer. all come with a small portion of suffering.

iii. i still long for you. most of the time, all of the time. should i be admitting that? definitely not. so why am i? is it because i feel obligated? because i put effort into you? is it because the last time i talked to you i wanted nothing more than to see your shining face? like a tape, i'll keep that feeling of longing until i'm rewound.

iv. i don't regret meeting you. i don't regret sitting on your bed eating ice cream and complaining about the rain. i don't regret kissing you. i don't regret laughing at your laugh or admiring your beautiful, perfect face. i do regret wishing you were always near. i do regret wanting to spend a while with your soul. i do regret hoping you felt all that i felt. that hope could have been used for something better.

v. i cried myself to exhaustion that night. not to sleep. i cried until my eyes were swollen and my lips cracked. i cried until my chest and my fingers and my legs went numb and then i laid there, so ******* tired, but so terribly agonized. and i hoped for sleep, but all my body wanted was you.

i didn't know that a hero came with a gun pointed at my chest
and a knife pressed against my neck
i guess i didn't realize that he came swooping in
with venom on his lips that made you stop breathing

His name was
Dakota

A tall boy with braces
and long hair
that I couldn't help but
love fearlessly

His name was
Dakota

And sometimes he
went by Kota
or Kotabear but to me
he was Kota

His name was
Dakota

He was a boy who
knew what it was like
to hurt and to
love fearfully

His name was
Dakota

A boy who loved someone
else at the
same time
he was loving me

His name was....

i think that if someone asked me where home was
i'd say
"in your arms."
but then i'd be homeless.

i think the first time i looked at you
i knew
that love was possible
it was a tangible thing that i wanted
when i saw you laugh in middle school
your eyes lit up like they do now
except they weren't mine to look at
through the first two years of high school
you came to me as a backup plan
you still weren't mine
but jesus christ
when i saw your lips curve into a smile
i thought my heart was going to jump out of my throat
when i laughed for too long or too loud i apologized internally
but that only happened when i was around you
i felt like i needed to be reserved
calm
quiet
and now
i look into your eyes and i see suns exploding and imploding
and stars being born from dust
and i know that it all sounds really cliche but there isn't one word
that tells how i feel
like i'm home.

think about him all the time
obsess, mull, chew on
think about how he loved her more
about how he was never happy with you
about how he used you

see other people being happy
wish for the same feeling
know that you won't ever be that way
god never gave you the ability
long for that bliss

eat alone, sleep alone, be alone
loneliness was never optional
make it your home
your bed, your living room
make it your kitchen floor with cold tiles and ***** socks


think about him again
and again and again and again
think about him leaving
and think about him loving her instead
and think about his smile with the dimple on the left side

think about what it was like to be happy
and don't go back

tell me what it's like to never hurt

tell me about loving every part of your being because it's yours and its the only thing you own every inch of

tell me about admiring the grass that grows in the sidewalk and the shine of the oil staining the parking lots

tell me about how easy it is to be happy and how often you laugh and smile and enjoy being alive

tell me what it's like to hurt less than i do.

i tried pulling new boys closer to me so that
maybe i could feel some semblance of how things used to be
but none of them felt the same as you
and i think that's what hurt me the most

I tried to cut myself today
I backed out at the last minute
I instead took a rubber and
I left marks up and down my legs
I didn’t cry from the pain
I cried because of the nothing
I felt
I cried because
I didn’t feel anything
I kept the welts in line and
I maintained the perfect sloppiness
I proceeded to make wishes
I made a wish with each snap
I wished for necessities
I wished for oblivion and
I wished for a place where
Nothing was a feeling and
I
Felt
Nothing

I am not the romantic I once boasted to be
I don't swoon
I don't revel in love or bathe in its insincerity
It doesn't call me a home that it feels welcome in

I've evicted it
Packed it's tendrils up into small cardboard boxes and stacked them on my stoop
A farewell to its tenderness I once believed in

I want to witness the shift in me
I want to see the moment my blood ran a little colder and my hands took to shaking when I think too hard
This frailty that's become my second skin seems like it's been home forever

I don't think I'm meant to love
I think I was meant to enjoy the way a person's eyes are spaced just right
Or how their hands connect to their wrists with grace
But I don't love those things

I'm not a romantic in the sense that I love the idea of love
I used to be
But I've become a half-flooded cave
Filled with currents and a heavy, wet, emptiness.

I fear you*
For you are golden lions and
Dozens of silver stars

If I'm to die
I want my paintings all burned
And my pictures all torn

Because to remember someone like me
Is small and meager in comparison to what the world holds

If I'm to die
I do not want you to cry
I do not want you to mourn the loss

Because my eyes never shined as bright as yours
And I couldn't smile as often as I'd like to

If I'm to die
I do not want to fear the aftermath
I wish the people who knew me well

Because I loved them all and I wish them to forget
That I ever existed

If somebody asked me if I still loved you

I'd say yes

If they continued to ask me what I loved about you
I would say

I loved how you laughed at the things I said. The way you stopped mid sentence and kind of chuckled. You'd cover your mouth and your eyes would dance and your shoulders would shake a little.

I would say

I loved how your hands played the piano. I always knew that there was some beauty in humans but never like the sight of your fingers dancing over the keys. You played so effortlessly, like it was nothing. I could have listened to you forever.

I would say

I loved the way you obsessed over your hair. I know I would always rag on you for being too into it, but it was endearing. Whenever you played with it a little I wished that I could do that too. I also loved the smell of the gel you used.

I would say

I loved how the sun hit your eyes. It would make them spark like you had something witty to say, and most of the time I think you did. The blue would look like the underside of a flame, bright, hot, burning. I think I hurt myself on them.

I would say

I loved how you breathed. Just sat there breathed. I wish I could have laid my head on your chest for longer, held my breath for longer to hear your heart beating. Sometimes giving up my life just to be in yours seems like a better option.

I would say

I loved when your glasses would slip down your nose when you were concentrating, whether it be on music or schoolwork. You'd push them back up with the delicate tip of your *******, shoving them back up to the safety of the bridge.

I would say

I loved the way your arms looked around my waist, like there wasn't a single thing that you wished to hold more. Your smooth skin was what I wished I could feel on mine again. I don't think there's another thing I wished I could touch once more.

Lastly, I would say

I loved how you tried to stick around until the very end. It wasn't easy for you, I know. But ******* it you tried. I think that's what I loved most about you, that you didn't give up because it got too hard. You gave up because you knew that I wasn't ready. I'm never going to be.

The only thing I hate is how I have to write all of this as "loved" and not "love" because I'm supposed to have let go of something this trivial a few months ago.

I'm sorry.

and i'm beginning to forget you
like the way a mattress loses the imprint of its sleeper after a while when you can't sleep there anymore because it becomes too uncomfortable
like the way a computer shortens its history when you don't use it for a while
because you just can't get up off the floor to do something
like the way an 90 year old woman forgets her husbands name and then her own after years of hearing those two names over and over
like the way the brain makes room for different, better memories and moments
following a few months that were kind of drab and uneventful

and i hope that after a few more months then i won't even remember your face or how your laugh sounded when you didn't hide it and the perfect way your chest rose and fell after every single breath you took or the flowing rhythm your fingers kept when they raced across your piano keyboard. i'll forget the way you look at her and instead of me.

I'm paint on a sun bathed wall
Fading with the dust that coats there
I am the wind that howls like it misses somebody
I'm lonely too, just like it
I'm drying hay bundled in a field
Withering with the heat of the summer
And I am old blood painted on a porcelain ledge
Chipping off with each bath taken

We rescue heartless wolves
Then fear the crime of saving them

And once upon a time we were both the sunrise and sunset
But the land that we believed was mythical ended up being real

I am made of playful creatures and constantly swirling sand
You are made of delicate glass and tangled hair that slips through my fingers

But together we do not belong
Because the flowers we grew are making a pathway

To carry our imminent death
Closer

This day
I can't deal and
I can't believe
I didn't see the signs
I mean they were
Obvious
You were feeling
Betrayed
Hurt
Broken
Trust me I know
That feeling all too
Well
But that's no excuse
My darling
I still love you
With most my heart
To be truthful
But not all
Not like it used to be
Something happened
I'm not sure
What it was
And I truly am sorry
It seemed as if
I didn't care
But oh my God
I do.....

We may grow up
Grow naive
Grow too haughty
For our old friends
We may become old
Become senile
Become too ancient
For our previous life
And the world
May die
Die with pride
Die with shame
Die because
Space has become
Too small for the
All of us
Or
Perhaps
We just change
So much from
One day to
The next
That everything
Changes with
Us
But cannot keep up
So it falls behind
And grows naive
Becomes senile
And eventually
Dies
In the order of events
That we are born
That we grow a bit
Make a mistake
Grow a bit more
Make tons of mistakes
Then grow until
We can grow no more
(Which is impossible)
Until we cannot
Keep up with the earth's
Perpetual rotation
So we die
Space needed more room
Anyway.

he stood in front of her, his back against his car, one hand in a pocket, the other in his hair
he bites his lip nervously, she looks frightened
"Hey, I'm sorry but I guess I just don't feel the same anymore." he mumbles, apologetically
she folds her arms in front of her, and just whispers 'no' over and over again
he turns away from her, doesn't make eye contact, doesn't brush the stray lock of hair behind her ear
his car door clicks shut behind him, and nothing stirs but leaves as he drives away
she stares after it, shocked, frozen in place, before sinking to the curb underneath the white-blue streetlamp
the hourly train hustles by on its tracks and the murmur of voices is distant
she wraps her cardigan tighter around her middle and only stands after she's sure her stomach is back in her  body and her lungs remember how to breathe
slowly, she walks back inside and the outside continues as it usually does, and she is falling apart inside

she still remembers the way his voice sounded
and how his eyes looked under florescent light
blue grey and sad

in the moment that we first met
i think the wind held its breath
and the ocean ceased its movement
because why not watch a
beautiful moment play out?
the mountains pierced the clouds for us
and the birds pulled apart the universe for us
and the sun burned our faces into each
others' eyelids
but our hearts pulled us together with
their fingers tangled in our hair
i think the stars came alive again for us
to shine during the day
and the moon was borne a new face
one that smiled kindly


do you think the wind is back to whistling
tunes?
do you think the ocean is back to moving
mountains?
maybe the mountains have gone back to shrinking
and maybe the birds have run out of air
and the sun pointed its heat elsewhere
but i think our hearts still hold on to
our hair a bit too tightly.
the stars have gone back to disappearing
even at night.
and the moon has turned its face to the
darkened side of the galaxy

i will run. with desperation and a hint of absolute dread. you're bad for me. you always will be.

always.

but my heart is addicted to the rejection. it's like a drug that keeps it beating. not steadily and not with any real meaning.

but i digress.

you know the painful nights? the nights that whimper in your arms like a wounded animal? hold me like those nights, even if it's just to get me to the morning.

comfort me.

i don't know how else to murmur my love to the ones i want to hate than through morse code and slow blinks from across the room.

however.

on the days that seem a little rounder in the middle, robust even, i'll forget maybe, about how soft the air felt when you slept next to me. i'll forget that the night ahead is going to howl like a haunt watching her love die.

but i digress.

It's been a year since you said you loved me for the last time
It seems like it's been a millennium since I told you I would always love you
And I find that even over billions of centuries I still love you
Love the wind that rattles through your lungs
Love the rivers rushing around the bends and curves in your veins
Love the mountains ridging your skeletal frame
Love the valleys denting the smooth plains of your skin
I find that I could go back and say the same things I did a year ago
And feel the same gravitational shift I did a millennium ago.

it's like getting sick.
when your body gets the chills and your back aches from the pain in your lungs and it seems like all you can do is bathe in hot water and drink tea.
and i guess it's like working out hard.
when your body hurts from the lactic acid building up inside your muscles and it seems like all you can do is bathe in hot water and drink water and Gatorade.
i guess it's like crying all night.
when your body shuts down from the alcohol swimming through your veins and the red hot pokers firing into your stomach making you throw up the entire cup of tea you tried drinking earlier because it felt like you were catching cold.
when your heart tries to embed itself in the walls of your lungs and your lungs try to embed themselves in the grooves of your ribcage but what are you supposed to do when your ribcage doesn't do its job and it lets everything out and you are left clawing at your skin trying to remove the memories that float around on it.
i can still feel your lips on my neck after all this time and i can still feel your fingers pressing on my windpipe and telling me that **it will be alright

Who am I kidding
You don't love me
It's whatever though
You found her
Someone new
Is two days enough?
Or do you need less time
I'm not even past
The words that ended us
But you aren't afraid to
Love again
Do you like her
Like you loved me?
Do you adore her
Like you craved me?
You think so
But you don't care
Whether or not
I care either
It's whatever though
And I can't believe
I wasted my time wooing
Over you
I can't believe I wrote
Poems about you
Because that is the
Most sacred display
Of love
You didn't care
You never did
It's whatever though...

What if things were as they used to be?
The idea of never speaking again makes me feel sad.
Remember the late night talks until 2 in the morning?
The first conversation we had was about murderous cows
And how much you loved me for those moments.
The last one we had over the phone was about my father not taking pride in me
And I started crying, hoping you couldn't hear it through the vast space of emptiness in my voice.
But I think you did and I remember feeling ashamed
Because you didn't deserve to hear me sound that way when you had bigger problems.
It was moments like those that I wanted nothing more than to wake up in the early dawn of the mornings
With the pale sunlight washing over the bed sheets and your mussed hair.
It was in those moments that I wanted to go to parties with you and get drunk
And say things I would never say sober
Secrets about myself that I didn't think I had
It was moments like those that I forgot about my family issues
Or my own issues and your issues
It was moments like those that I loved you too much to physically feel.
I couldn't express the fullness I felt in the dead of night when it felt like we were the only two alive.
It was in moments like those that I started thinking about the possibility of not staying together forever
And it was those moments that I got out your proclamation of love that I had written down
I would stare at it and smile and giggle and think about what I did right to be with you
I wasn't sure if I was good enough to stay

I vanish beside you-
a facade.
Never will the fears dull in me.

you are so lovely
i think the stars are jealous

You can judge me
Hurt me and
Rate me

But I cannot seem to judge you
Hurt you and
Rate you

Doesn't that seem a bit **unfair?

When the night gets a little quieter,
And the stars become more melancholy,
I will tell you how much my heart has thought of you.

When the birds lay soft for the night,
And even the bats lull themselves to sleep,
I will tell you how much I have dreamt about you.

The world is vast and the sky impossibly endless.
The seas are still mysteries and even people still hold ancient secrets.

But I will try so hard to make my distant lands within reach.
Just for you.

Seeing you sad makes
My stomach hurt

The way it does when
I'm anxious or stressed

Chin up lil peach

I'm here for you the whole way

*And it's just the beginning

I remember when I was small
No more than a few inches above my mother's hip
I saw the world through kaleidoscope eyes
Because when people hurt themselves
I didn't think it was on
Purpose
And when people mysteriously died
Suicide didn't come to my thoughts
Because who would do that
End their life so quick
Like snuffing out a small flame amongst the larger ones
And the repercussions could be huge
Because what if that little puff of breath
Traveled further than you wanted it to
And blew out a dozen more than necessary
What would you do then
But when I was small
No more than a few feet tall
I couldn't even begin to guess where I would be today
And I still can't

"I can't let you go." I had said as I crawled into bed
Static rang in the background of the phone lines
There was wind outside my window

"Aw, darling, you don't ever have to." he replied, as I sat there and cried
The wind picked up and the static got worse
A tree was crackling somewhere in the distance

"I love you a whole lot." I whispered as he only snickered
A leaf or five brushed through the pool of light from my room
His breathing cut out for a minute or two

"I have to leave." he claimed as I lay there ashamed
The wind whistled around the corner of the house
That tree crashed to the ground in a flutter of branches and nests

I hung up.