2 years ago
i was sitting on an old, ***** love seat
in a musky garage
that belonged to your mother
taking hit after hit
from a pipe made of tin foil
holding hands with you
on that love seat that had me
laughing 'till i didn't know
if i actually existed
and other times, it had me
wishing i didn't exist at all
but that first time you
pressed your lips softly into mine
it didn't feel like a kiss at all,
but more like a trigger being pulled.
for the last 2 years,
i have been stuck on that love seat
not knowing how to exist
in any other way besides
trying to find you on it but
you left a long time ago
and i don't know if i've finally
found my way home
or if i am just disappearing
as the months pass and i
forget more and more what
it felt like to have bullets
for a tongue, sitting next to you
on that old, ***** love seat

and what's worse is that
i couldn't go back if i wanted
and it may be that my life
is getting duller and greyer
every second that i
am forgetting how
to miss you.

dear father,
i'm so sorry
that my mother
does not understand
mental illness
or that it
doesn't make you
an unfit parent.
i wish she hadn't
made me so
afraid of you.
if you would've stayed,
i might not be
drowning in self hatred
and desperation
for someone to
understand just enough
for someone to
give me a
break.

i'm so exhausted lately.
it's getting harder to speak
and laugh in the right places.
i used to know names,
now it's all mashed into
one big blur of things
i wish i could still care about.
i will spiral out of control
until i crash into a
helpless, stubborn, ball of pity
which i will be buried
and remembered as.
i haven't ate much
in the past few days.
i feel like i'm
rapidly deteriorating
but i don't want to
go back to the hospital.
i don't want to do anything.
i don't even want to die.
i'm just in this perpetual
suspended animation with
no negative or positive progress,
i'm just hanging in the world
without anyone, i am so alone
in this recess of frozen time
that i have completely lost
all human characteristics
as i evolve into this
monstrous, out of control
being of sadness.
this is more than a lack of identity,
it's a lack of feeling.

lately, i've been jealous
of the attention handed out
by people who shouldn't
matter to me

he didn't have me
sweating on his
bedroom floor
he didn't have me
crying with my head
in the toilet
he didn't have me
locked outside
my own rib cage
he didn't have me
like you did he didn't
have me like you did
he didn't have me