(I can't explain
It's stupid really...)

*(But I can hear her)

(I don't know, I just hear her voice.) *

Sometimes
it's like,
it echoes through my body
...Or something.

(No, it's like)

(Look I'm trying to explain)

I sit late at night hoping that I can sleep
But then I come realise how that is almost impossible.

(Do you understand?)

The piercing sound of her words flowing into me feels like a million knives stabbing through my back

But at first,
When the words start to enter my mind,
It's almost as though they scratch along the surface,
as if they're daring to plunge in to me
... but they're waiting for the perfect opportunity
To
Get
Me
To, to make sure that I'm as fragile as I can be, and I'm pinned to the floor ready for the slicing

(Yes, that's it
I'm insane, I know
But thats what it feels like)

She's just picking at me for now
But soon she will have torn me apart and I will be nothing but broken bones and torn flesh

(Can you hear me?
I'm sorry)

She takes over my head as my breathing becomes a lot faster and heavier
It's like she's ripping out my heart and there's nothing I can do about it

(Now listen)*

I'm practically dead in a sense, because I'm not living
I am just plain and simply... alive

...Just.

I can't even begin to explain this feeling that I have,
It's too strong.
Is strong even the word, who knows?
Maybe there needs to be a new word,
A word that will finally describe exactly what I feel for you.
But for now this will have to do.

It's like I'm constantly wrapped up,
Not in a way that I'm smothered and choking,
But in a way that I feel safe, warm and protected.

Your arms act like a barrier when you throw them around me, and they rest on my hips, It gives me a feeling of security, like I never need to worry about a thing when you're around.

It's like we're chained together at sea, and as soon as the waves crash against us and drag you down, I go right down with you.
We're one and if you're down or sad, I feel a deep ache inside of me too.
You need to carry on sailing with me.

It's as though this was always meant to be,
Me, you, and the underestimated power of love.
We are forever entwined together by this... This feeling. I still can't describe it.

Love is a very complicated concept at our life stage, but as we grow older, there are more signs that'll be shown which will open up our eyes to it's true meaning.

There is no such thing as this longing ache for a feeling of love and contentment anymore,
I've found it,
I've found it with you,
It's a different kind of ache,
I feel it every night,
I long for you to lay by my side.
But you will one day,
With your lips pressed against my forehead,
And my tired arms draped across your chest.

I will one day look up at you,
And whisper these very important words; My lover, my best friend, my soul mate,
My heart belongs to you,
I love you,
Truly, madly, deeply."

Wow.
You know the fear in losing your own mind is far from gradual at pace, when the outernet deems to be far more displeasing each time you look out of the window. Yes, it's spring and yes the sun is shining, but staying in bed feels like the undoubtably right choice, when in reality, the gliding of the butterflies that you witness will one day become just a faint memory, cause let's face it, we all die a little inside when winter comes...
But for the butterflies, it's a little more personal.

Not at any one time
Had I thought there would be a light at the end of the tunnel,

Never had I thought that I would find a key to unlock so many doors - so many solutions to my troubles,

I would never have thought I'd grow so tall to see over the plot of darkness that blinded me,

And then there was you.

When I met you, you carried me, you lifted me up so high that the darkness could no longer lurk at eye level,
It could no longer latch on to my leg as you clasped my fragile body and pulled me free from the dark's grasp, it's fingertips sliding off the soles of my feet.

At that point I was breathless,
As you ripped every last ache and pain that I was feeling, right from my heart, and watched as it broke into a million pieces, as sharp as shards of glass, painful and dangerous.

But it was gone,
Just like that.
The darkness had seemed so difficult to remove,
Yet the slightest of effort was made as your angelic hands lifted me away from all danger,

It's as if you're a saint in disguise,
As if we were destined to fall in love as soon as my eyes met yours,
From that moment on,
I knew that you were the light at the end of my tunnel,
The key to my doors,
The height of growth to my freedom of the dark - my saviour.
The answer to all of my questions
My reason to love,to live, to hold on,
The reason that I believe true love still exists.

I'm laid here with a full stomach
Clawing at it as I feel it digesting inside of me.
It screams freedom,
Begging for me to release it
I hold it back and choke on my words

I must stay strong
I must stay strong

Soon enough the guilt tickles the back of my throat
And I throw up a thousand words.

I am isolated
I am a failure
I am
...
worthless.

I scream back
"I will never ever be enough for anyone!"

And I fell in love with the poison
I drew from your lips
I was mesmerised by the way it made me feel
It has now taken over my mind and body
Suddenly
I have the urge to ****

It's been 16 hours, and the voices are beginning to quieten.
My stomach feels empty
but I feel proud and victorious.
As I begin to search through her pictures,
my heart drops.

She is so thin
So perfect

And look at me
I'm so fat
I'm so worthless!

The voices appear once again,
Repeating what I'd just recently chanted to myself.
Only, they are louder,
More vicious in a sense.

Now I feel the pains in my stomach grow more and more
They are so loud
But never did they once overpower the sharp voice of my demon that lived in my head.

After only glancing at my favourite piece of food,
It began to shout vigorously.

Don't be so stupid
Pathetic people like you don't deserve things like that!
Look away!
Don't even think about eating!

At this point I feel ill
I was being forced to starve myself by my own "thoughts"

I can only describe this demon to be my conscience that has turned it's back on me,
It is a messenger from the devil that overruns my every thought.
Delivering so many insults and put downs in to my head.

"You have 4 months until prom
And I'M winning this one."

Soon after that sentence circled my battered mind,
I lit a cigarette and watched the smoke as it disappeared away in to the grey, afternoon sky,
It represented my life,
I was disappearing.
Slowly
But surely
*Disappearing.