I'd give the world
to know if she means to let me go
and it means as much to me
as a mountain
or a screeching blue jay
asking me to go
to ignore it
like a king,
a monarch rules over everything
but I'm not the same
and she's making me do as I should
among the wicked.

Standing up straight
but like falling through door
after door after open
cellar door,
bodega cashier
men who know me only
as the sad and lonely two
AM bacon egg cheese
two bud light  
guy who seems off
but leaves a tip,
this trip through new york
can't be more than delirium
wrapped in tin foil
and forgotten dreamscapes.
Where are the mountain vistas.

And
I feel a bit empty a
nd lost not like in the way I was
with you, but different...
maybe I need a change. Mountains
seem large enough to draw back
deep into. Be one with
earth dust and the non-ceasing land
before this. Take enough drugs
and be there. Or find someone
like you. I don't know
if I'm depressed or just alone.
Maybe both. Either way I can sense this is
just beginning.

I had not forgotten them,
those graceful
past-life girlfriends,
adamant brothers
and all others
who drift everyplace
and throughout
squalid brown apartment
complexes and the green-neon
hotel bar illuminations
'cross the street.
When I come back
tomorrow these bold avenues
should diverge away,
be different, memorial
ghosts, however, will remain
waving, walking hand in hand
still into my futures.

Barstool, three legged,
wobbling, desperate, clinging
to gummy hardwood floors
and you're a good friend,
and here, eyes down unlocked
lips whispering reminding me
for a day "don't withdraw."
Thanks again for the drinks,
gloom only shows face
under sunlight, without you
offering me
confidence. "This will get better."

Flickering white
and orange specks, crowded
in a universe,
under a blanketed
warm sky, and us
enveloped between
cool earth, grass blades,
I'd forgotten
to look
up at
until you.

An emptiness deep
in the cracks of my heart
where I could feel  you
still with me beating hard
and I took you to my uncle's
grandparent's and mother's
but it doesn't feel the same
not falling in love with you
and is it wrong  I feel
so guilty forgetting
about you every so often
even when you refuse to call,
acknowledge I'm still here,
but far, and I miss you
more so but it's fading
and I how do I move on
when this won't
really turn to dust
float away.