If only I could feel no pain.
If only I couldn’t recognize
the dark alleys of anxiety,
the hollow trenches of grief and sadness,
weighed down by the anchor of guilt,
devoured by the pouncing tiger of anger.
A path that was once so clear to me,
is now engulfed in fog.
Every step I take, I tread with caution,
for one false move and I hit the ground.
With every tick, the clock gets louder,
echoing in my brain.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
The sand in my timer is running out.
With every beat, blood pumps in my body,
echoing in my veins,
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
I am a heart waiting to flatline.
But if only I could feel no pain!
I would never again have to repair
the broken-down walls
of the city that is my soul,
just to let the tsunami of pain tear them down again.
I would never endure another sleepless night,
my head resting on a drenched pillow.
I would never spend another minute submerged,
the riptide pulling me under.
My heart would never be broken
if nothing could break it.
I would never feel like nothing
if I felt nothing at all.
But the truth is,
If you take away
your thirst,
you’ll never know your need for water.
These emotions remind us what it is to be happy.
If you feel nothing, you have nothing
have no pain, have no pleasure
Forget what it’s like to cry, forget what it means to laugh
Take all of it away, and what are you?
numb.
Frostbite from head to toe.
Painkillers, ice packs, and anesthetics all at once,
silencing the nerves,
silencing the heart.