Looking for some sort of grief,
I can't seem to see.
drink after drink.
what do I have to show
as I wipe the tears from my cheek
drink after drink,
so tired of feeling okay.
cant't recognize if this is real,
feeling so alone
surrounded by fear,
chugging bottle after bottle
still feeling empty,
all I wanted to do was make you proud
but i'll never be good enough,
so tired.
so, tired.

You always leave me guessing.
you want to change me, I want to change me too
but I don't know if I can do this.
everything that I wanted to say got lost in my head.
I feel numb, I feel dead.
and I know I cant leave and have you too,
but a few days without you I completely lost my mind.
and everything I wanted to say will forever be unsaid
because I could never go back to you i'm always mislead.

I'm still at the point where I pretend you don't exist.
every time you come up it drags me down deeper.
I want to leave, I can't handle this.
I always think that maybe this time you'll come back.
days, weeks, months, nothing.
I always thought we would be forever
even if we weren't together you would still be here.
but I guess everything I wanted to say was never said.
there will always be that part of me that will remember it,
remember how big of a coward I actually was
because I could never tell you the truth,
I was scared of losing you
but I pushed you away even further.
i'm sorry.

My heart, ***** with anger, ***** with the desire to take what you wanted from me and ceased to exist. “It’s the thought that counts right? The notion that I could have ever loved you” I perceived obligated to be loved back in a sincere way not just manipulation. Not just from a lack of potential that you may have speculated, that it was pointless. but I knew there was more than that. I knew it could be different. There had to be more. You wouldn’t have shown me all of your features, every part of your soul, that a person could never possibly see. Every part of your body you let me explore with my finger tips, Your lips that touched mine every time you craved me, your teeth that would sink into my lips telling me more! More! Your tongue that would drag across my neck telling me you wanted every single part of me. your touch, your hands that had been stabbing away at me, my heart stabbed several times in my devotion to you. My loyalty to you, and only you had been ripped away when you said you didn’t want me anymore, didn’t need me anymore. You didn’t want this. You wanted something more passionate. something that would be as simple as letting me go. I was the dust that you’d brush away from your hands after you finished a ***** deed, a job you no longer wanted because there was a better opportunity for you. Something different but a new experience, a new toy, a new range of emotions to exploit. Just to have the thoughts linger around your mind, telling you, you never wanted this at all. You never wanted simple. You wanted partnership with the rage of all the emotion that would make you feel everything at once. Every awakening nerve to feel at ease when you’d get the glimpse of wanting to **** someone’s heart over and over, and just having it happen with no regrets and no one telling you no. You want to ****, manipulate, yell, scream, with the knife in your hand with no one running from you. You need that security of them staying and never leaving your side. No matter what storm you bring with you.

It was your fantasy to cut me open and twirl your little finger around my heart  to see what you could fix to benefit you, to benefit every possible thing you’d ever want. But that wasn’t enough? It was never enough. You fixed every part of me that you thought was the perfect distraction for you, the perfect lover. But it just made you upset that it wasn’t entirely what you had wanted at all. You wanted to create your fantasy, you wanted it to come alive and make you the happiest you could be. But it devastated you the way I was, the way I lured you in after every argument, every disagreement but you made me, you made me this way. You completed your fantasy but a new one was lingering around inside of that head of yours telling you something new was appearing. Something new to make you the happiest girl in the world. A new fantasy to complete. You had a new objective. And I just wasn’t apart of it.

She was something different. Holding her hand felt like eating candy in a galaxy full of stars. Looking into her eyes was like seeing gods light. Her smile, her smile could rip your heart into pieces. Everything about her was beautiful and cruel. My mind was hungry, venturing for something new. Her lips were like poetry. Our love was a bittersweet feeling that left me torn into pieces. And that’s something I’ll never get to experience again. You know, you never get the same type of love twice. It’s addicting once you lose it. You search for it everywhere you go, and you can’t stop because it’s the only thing that completed you. You search and you search and you’re left filling that empty space inside with narcotics and ***** to makeup for the lost feeling. It makes the pain go away for a little while but once the high is over you end up craving it even more. There’s no escape. She was the key part to making me feel whole.