One day you will come to me with eyes like question marks, a heart full of secrets and no words to tell them
I will answer simply, One fish two fish, red fish, blue fish
Not because I doubt your intelligence, but because I live to see you smile
You laughter will sing to me, even though you can't carry a tune
Your lyrics and a 14 year old scar will ask me, what happened to us?
And I will answer - unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot nothing is going to change, it's not
We dance the most complicated dances
We speak in forgotten languages
We feel without fingers and count without numbers
I don’t remember how many times you said I love you the last time we met but you told me not to say it back cause you could feel it in my touch
Back to your question
Nothing happened to us
I still love you the way I did when I was 9
My heart laid dying in the street on Harrison and Bement, but I knew the kind of man I wanted to marry when you put me back together and asked me to live
The 3rd time will not be the charm
And I didn't know I wrote these words for you until I let you go again
But it was your embrace that taught me patience
Enough to let you go over and over
Waiting for you to come back wiser but not older
Our skin never made us lovers
That was the fault of the stars
Some cosmic collision
Like your hand in mine picking you up from work in your dad's mom van
Like 14 years and you still look at me the same as you did back then
I still see in you a man
Who never let me hide when I've been hurting
Who looks at my scarred skin and still dares to dream me perfect
I will die believing you are more than what you see
I would kiss loyalty, security and a notebook full of my best poetry down your spine if you let me
I would cook you Sunday dinners on Monday without you asking me
I would still love you forever even if you never dance with me
I hope you never forget the heaven in my hello
That ink never stains the spot on your wrist I claimed all those years ago
That you still laugh when I tell you
My shoe is off, my foot is cold, I have a bird I'd like to hold
My tongue has never been so bold
And I don't know when we got so old.
Love, how did it get to late, so soon?

My pieces have long been shattered, scattered
They still litter the halls of my mind
The ones I refuse to walk down for fear of cutting myself and watching you bleed out of my eyes.
There's something to be said for that one stray hair that grows on your shoulder and that one dimple and that twinkle when you're particularly proud of me.
It's worth missing...
The way you expected more of me.
The way you asked more of me.
Those times we lay side by side allowing our imaginations take turns painting those four walls the color of an island with a mansion built to spell my name
Or you in a football uniform on any field USA signing your advance over to your mom.
I spend more time in those memories than I do in reality.
If I, am the reason it's cold in November, it's only because I lost you in the summer but I miss you most acutely when I celebrate me without you.
In these nearly 10 years I still haven't grown accustomed to your absence.
In darkness, I still reach for you -
Wake up with a heart full of disappointment every time I see the pillow next to mine undisturbed.
And I've tried so very hard to run from you,
My legs are nearly numb from the effort of it,
but so many of the things I love are so inextricably tied to you that I cannot love anything without also loving you.
You exist in the bottle of LoveSpell I can only wear when I can bare to be so near to you.
You swim in the bottles of Jose Cuevo I tried to drown myself in.
You whisper the softest words to me when i can't figure out how to get out of bed -
and yesterday in the gym, I saw you on the treadmill next to mine.
I swear I heard you ask me how bad I want to live.

*I'm not tryna pressure you, just can't stop thinking bout you/ you ain't even really got to be my boyfriend/I just want to know your near and maybe sometime/ we can hook up/ we can hang out/ we can still be.....