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Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
I think that I have fallen for someone new but the scars from my last attempt at romance still burn. I have to bandage them medicate them hide them.

Every day I say that it will be the day. I will tell him but I don't but I can't but I'm scared.

**** **** **** everyone everything that has led me to this thought that I am nit enough. People do like me.
Right?

We watched anime today and I thought of ways to talk about how I feel. About this train that is moving around in the railroad track of my heart and how I'm not sure if it will drop me off in the safety of his arms or in another train wreck.

I was brave. I said I wanted to go to Branson. To silver dollar city and he thought it was a good idea.

Besides. I need this friend. I can't. I may not be good enough for anything more and maybe I am but I'm so scared that I don't know if I'll find out.
Advice? I think I have feelings for my friend. Im currently living with his family and fear us making me oh so fearful
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
"Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you"
I want to fall
in love
tonight.
How about you?
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I think sometimes I like to mess up because then people get mad at me.
And I deserve to be gotten mad at.
Cassie Stoddard Aug 2014
I don't want to do this anymore and the voices in my head that tell me that I am doing it all wrong are back and they are screaming at me every second of the day and i miss a boy who broke my heart and doesn't want me and I must be ****** up to want him and my sister is killing herself and if I don't do something then she may be gone forever but if I do something then I will lose her forever because she will never forgive me and my other sister is being so fake and I hate myself and the guy I kind of like got a boyfriend and I fall in love with poetry and storms and laughs but they don't love me back and I am starting to realize that they won't because who could love a girl who is as broken as glass and why why why is this happening I am not asking you to save me but I could use a half because I was drowing earlier and all I could do was fall deeper
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I like the song, “Someone Else” because it’s how I feel. Like exactly.
It’s all, “if you’re looking for love know that love don’t live here anymore. He left with my heart”
If you’re trying to find pretty then you need to look somewhere else”
I think she cut off her hair for a lot of the same reasons I did.
“I've turned into someone else”
Yep. She knows it.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I am writing on this computer so that I don't
write
on my arms.
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
I just want to
wash him
off of every
inch of
me.
My bed felt less lonely
when I
was alone.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Poetry
Headache
Heartbreak
Fix me
**** me
Bruise me
Abuse me
Love me
Scream
Drown
Bleed
Write
Live
Forget
Die
Go away
Cassie Stoddard Oct 2014
Why is it that us poets, people of such passion are so often the ones clutching the bottle at the end of the night as we crawl into bed alone?

Why are we the ones searching for someone to **** because we never get any farther than that. Some call it home run but a hug is much more satisfying.

And we're the ones who cyber stalk and listen to music and pour out ours hearts and scream at the top of lungs and go on midnight runs.

And I have no one I can explain this to. No one I an call and cry poetry too and no one I am yell at and no one to love and no one to hate. And I thought it would work. I thought maybe I would get lucky and meet someone whose heart whispered the same things as mine.

Once upon a time in a far away land a princess met her prince. But tonight right here a young woman is simply begging for anything, anyone.
Cassie Stoddard Aug 2014
My tears are streaming down to my knees and I am screaming into my blanket covered fist and I want my friend to come out of his room and I want to hug him and say I am not okay I am not okay.
What am I to do when my heart is braking because I cannot make it whole and I'm hungry and I miss you and I hate hate hate hate myself because how fun led up must I be to want you back in my life and how terrible am I that when she talks about "almost killing" herself I just want to scream do it and I DO NOT want to be alone and how brave would I be to knock on his door or to text him and then what. I am no good at beginnings. But dude. I'm at a expert at endings.
I am an expert at a endings.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I live with my sister's boyfriend and my sister.
I'm thankful to have a place
to stay.
But sometimes, when they get so
cutesy I want to
cry and scream and yell.
I want it too.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Tonight I want to
cut.
Well, I actually want to be
loved.
But that's not happening
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
I miss my mom.
The one I never had.
Cassie Stoddard Sep 2014
I read once that when we meet our soul mate we feel calm.
At peace, at home.
And I think that makes sense, I have always been an empty road, a drifting sea.
And to find land, that would be my sou mate.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I love to write.
It's like opening a door to something that I never knew existed.
It's a breathe of fresh air.
It's being able to smile even when I'm crying.
Although, I don't
know. If I write or if
poetry
writes me.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
When I was little and in a private school we memorized this verse one time. Something about how if you hate your brother than you can’t love god and so I refused to use the word hate. Not even when we were supposed to say it in the verse. Funny now, because I use it pretty often. I hate him and her and mostly me. I swore to never drink. Ya know. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and all, but I broke that too. Lots. And I kind of get why he does it. It’s like when you’re in a fog or on a **** ton of pills or you get tired of feeling nothing but one emotion and you just want to be different. My mom sat at the kitchen table one day with a knife against her arm and I remember never being more scared. No that’s a lie. I was more scared the day she wouldn't wake up. But I promised that I would never be like her. I’m not. But sometimes, I am. People are so fickle. We promise and we swear and we believe. But it’s so silly because those things we don’t know what we mean. We don’t see all the baseballs that life is throwing in our face and we know that those bumper stickers, “Be who you wanted to be five years ago” are terrifying, because that self would ******* hate us, but they wouldn't say the word hate and they wouldn't drown their not-hate in a bottle of beer and they wouldn't try so **** hard. It’s ridiculous. When I was little I knew lots. I knew that hate and beer and mean mommys were bad, but I didn't know that sometimes they were good. That sometimes they are liberating. And that maybe, my five-year ago-self would hate me, but I think my right-now-self would think my old me is a dumb naive *****.
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
The other day the clock struck 11:11 and I made sure to not wish for anything for that minute.
When I was little I liked to wish for a doll because then I knew that my wish would come true.
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
And I might have thought
that
he felt about me the way i feel about
him.
But I am tired and all too
frightened.
Instead, we watch scary movie 5.
I notice
every time
he looks at me and
imagine that its more than
simply
friends.
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
I feel
so numb.
I can't
cry.  And I'm a
crybaby.
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
I used to say
you felt
like
"coming home".
That's all I ever wanted.
A home.
So what am I
supposed to do
when it's been ripped
away
from me.
When you passed out
the
eviction
notice.
I told you.
"Everybody leaves. I make everyone leave."
I've lived in over 20 houses.
How could I think
this one might actually be
a
home.
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
I want to be
making love in the moonlight, gasping for air
dancing until the heat from your body overtakes the space between us filling me up so that I cannot breathe
smoking a joint and drinking a beer and talking about how it gets better
driving so fast with the music so loud that there is no before or after but only now

I am nights spent feeling the moon and craving the sun

I am cannot feel my tounge because I burn it from all the coffee drinking

I am adult swim and haha robot chicken is funny and I'll tumble on tumblr during the commercial

I am singing off key to music that speaks of love and dreams of places I haven't yet been to

I am not alcohol not tonight because I am lonely and afraid of what I might do to my friend. Kiss the girl is what the little mermaid said.

I am tears running away from my eyes and wow isn't that poem beautiful. I just want mine to be beautiful.

I am too long and I don't know when to stop once I start and i should go to sleep but there are crickets singing along and coffee to be drunk and poetry to read and people to love and hate and the sun will rise soon.

The soon will rise soon
Why
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Why
He left me notes.
Two. That's what I've found.
I messaged him on facebook tuesday.
Why can I not be strong?
I did it again.
Messaged him.
Just said that I found the notes and sorry and thank you.
And I asked him not to
respond.
Sometimes I miss him a lot.
And sometimes not at all.
Sometimes I hate him.
But always I love him.
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
Love
is scary
And awful
And stupid
And fake
And annoying
And why
do I want it so bad?
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
When
most people find out
that someone
they like
has feelings for them too
they are
happy.
They smile.
I'm crying.
I cry.
Because it doesn't matter.
I can never say yes
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
The winds are rubbing against me and I wish it were a person.
I live with my friend and yet we exchange maybe twenty words day.
I don't want to sleep because I cannot stand the dreams but I do not want to be awake because I cannot stand the loneliness.
Can you feel it when you start to get bad again? When iswearrogodimnotgonnakillmyaelfbutidontknowwhattodoanymore thoughts inhabit the spaces in your head.
This is all too much and yet i hate myself for thinking that.
I feel like
I don't know.

I just don't know
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
I just wanna be loved.
Can you tell me I'm beautiful?
Even if it's a lie.
Will you let me call you
when the tears fall
and I can't make them stop.
Will you hug me?
Will you make me stay when
I want
to run?
Will you be there
when both
the sun sets
and rises.
Maybe won't work.
I know that means no.
I need a yes.
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
I don't like it
when the cold from the outside
seeps
into
my heart.
Cassie Stoddard Aug 2014
My friend Morgan and I have not been very close at all.
But he's been nice to me again in the past few days and although my heart still craves Trevor I want to call for my friend.
And we talked about Trevor and about when we get stressed out and I admitted how bad I've been lately and how I moss being friends and I ****** it all up byoving in didn't I. I did.
But when he said no I wanted to believe him and when he said nothings changed I almost said that may be true for him but not for me because I used to get butterflies stuck in my throat when I thought of him and sometimes my lips still think of how sweet his words sound and if they would taste that sweet in my throat.
I wanted to say that everything's changed because I had fallen for you and that's why it ***** because I live here and not saying you would want to but now we cannot be together and I thought maybe we would have nights spent not talking but just watching Netflix and I thought maybe I wouldn't be so lonely and I am so sorry that I fell for the boy at the wrong time.
When I said that the guys that are decent never want me back I was talking about you.
I was talking about you
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
When is it enough?
How do we get over those people that we once loved?
If I were to describe what I wanted in one word what would it be?
Do I make a positive impact? Or at least one more positive than negative?
Why do I miss him so badly?
Is there a god? Or at the very least somebody who will just ******* listen?

I have all of these holes and I know now that sometimes they cannot be filled and that I just have to live with them but sometimes they feel so big, like they're eating away at my insides and if I don't put a plug to it then I'll just disappear.

It's 4 am and part of me wants to just sleep and part of me is scared that you will be in my dreams and then I'll wake up and you won't be here and I will cry and I am so **** tired of that.

It's too early to stay up and watch the sunrise, but god. I do love those colors.

My cat wants to sleep with me.
At least somebody does.
#foreveralone #catlady

I heard a Sheryl Crow song that goes "the first cut is the deepest" but I know that for me that's never true.
For me, it's the second cut.
When I realize that, ****, I didn't do enough damage and goddanmit if I'll ever be good enough so let's make it ******* rain.
Lets build a hole into my skin, because god knows there aren't enough on my heart.

I don't usually cut. I self-harm in other ways.
I used to cut to abuse myself, but now it's just loneliness that I feel.
I'm so scared of people leaving that I push them away before they get the chance to go.

What if I never meet you because I push you away?
What if there's nothing after this?
And what if my dreams are as good as it gets?

Sitting at my computer, writing ****** poetry at 4 in the morning. I just watched 16 episodes of the first season of One Tree Hill.
This is me.
I am romance on shows and poetry and coffee and too hot but I still use my  blanket and I have a stuffed animal that I snuggle with.
I am me.
And I am ****** up and messed up and wanting for love and lustful tonight and I just want to be hugged and kissed and given a doughnut.

I'm going to bed.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Don't ever let anyone say that nobody loves you. Because I do.
Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite, darling.
Yep
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Yep
It's almost 1
My coffee just finished
I have poetry to write, a kitchen to clean, homework to finish
It'll be okay
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
I overromantice everything.
The way you held me tight.
You are always running your hands through my hair.
There is so much tension between our goodbye and our kiss and our goodbye again.
You said you love my smile. That you like me "a lot more than I should". That I'm totes adorbs.
And you are frustrating and terrifying and intoxicating and I want to drink you in like a mug of coffee.
And when we talk or we cuddle or we just sit. It doesn't feel wrong.
And I deserve this. I want this. **** her and rules and everyone.
Because I've been giving away parts of key body for so long that I forgot what it feels like to share my heart.
And it feels like hope and summer and bad decisions and confusion and snapchats and ****** Mac n cheese and weird music and new beginnings.
And I'll hide with you. Let's hide from the world. We can't share this newly blossoming romance and maybe its better that way.
This is honest. And raw. And poetic. And full of lust and terror and emotion.
I want to kiss you until our breathes are taken away. I want to hold you until you forget. I want to get coffee and get drunk and get high with you. I want to feel.
Thank you for helping me feel.

— The End —