Forget
Feel
Stay awake
Stay alive
Not self harm
Find love and feel loved
Breath
Think
Not think
Express myself
Cry
Hear the keys click clack
Smile
Feel relief
Be real
Do the things I'm scared of

I want
love

I am alone.
I am
alone.
Rescue me. No amount of
indie live songs and
ice cream.
New girl. Popcorn. Sleep.
I am still
alone.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
Pretend to want me. I am
begging you. Take
advantage of me. Please.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I  am alone. And no amount of anything
will
change that.

My sister told me to
*******
today. She's the reason that I
keep it all
together.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not strong enough.

Tonight.
I miss
being loved and
held.
Tonight.
I would go back.
I know I wouldn't really be happy.
But it would be a change from this,
this fog
I feel

All you ever did was lie. You took me in with jokes and words and kisses. You broke me with lies and betrayal and I would have never been good enough.
2. If I am pregnant I just hope it doesn't turn out like you.
3. I love you. Still. Please. One more time.
4. Just kidding. I'm lonely and I know it will never work. I hate you. I hate you.
5. How could you do this. I would have given you everything.
6. I thought that maybe for a second you loved me back. I guess you just got glassy eyed trying to remember which lie to tell.
7. I am drowning in my tears. You said you would be there.
7. I don't believe in love but I believed in you.
7. Go **** yourself.
8. I want to tell your stupid girlfriend so bad. So so so bad.
9. I hate you.
9. I love you.
10. Please text me back. If I texted you I know you would ignore me but I want you to listen. I need you for tonight. Just one night.

I woke up this morning and
all my thoughts
vibrated and repeated and spun.
And an alien had pushed wire into the
center
of my
brain and was stabbing
harder.
And I tried not to panic
And I tried not to think
I remembered how you would get angry
It was just another sign of my craziness, right?
Well, guess what?
This morning, I dealt with it. No panic attack.
By myself

I want to fall in love with
a poet/hippie
who loves me
back and who
writes poetry that I get
and
understands that I stay up all night
shoving the nightmares
away.
Somebody who smokes cigarettes, so we can argue about the little things.
Get drunk with me, get high with me.
But not all the time,
we'll have each other.
Let's do silly things, let's mini golf and cook and love and
be lovers.
And hold me tight.
And please. Please.
Please mean it when you say that
you won't go.

I love you.
Love is breaking me.
It is taking me.
Bundling up my heart and
running.
Darling, look over here.
This is me and this is real.
And I don't know when or why or how.
But I know.
I would let it go. My
heart.
Baby. Love me back.
I am pleading and begging and crawling in this earth.
Right now I love you and my heart is breaking and my earth is shattering.
And I want you. I need you like I need to see the sky.
Anything. Anywhere. That is the length I would go.
Beautiful. You are.
Tomorrow I will see you and I will smile and you will hold her and she will be yours.
Do you remember you calling me yours.
Mine.
If it burns. If that romance fails find me. My love isn't fickle.
I apologize. I am unloveable. Cursed to give yet not recieve.
But you. You are the sunshine. You are grass. You are wind.
You feel like love.

Three am is for the poets.
Its for when I can't sleep and instead stay up late, craving a lover I've never had, the are and weird shows on hulu.

Three am is for when my tears are caked in my face.
Its for when my legs burn.
And my heart hurts.

Three am is for k dramas and adult swim.
Its ice cream and cake.
Its for poetry

Do you know what it is to
silently wail?
To scream, pushing open
your lips until the world knows you are
mourning, but
absolutely no sound comes out.
To shake and shiver and have tears
roll onto your neck.
But no whimpering. No shows.
And you scream so
loudly.
But its all in your head. Because they
don't understand. That
*******. I'm a poet and I cry
every time I use the bathroom
at school. You just don't
listen.

When I read the words of
other writers
my mind gets blown.
Beauty that great
is something I want
(***** that, Need)
to achieve,
to be.
I don't even know.
Maybe someday
I will
(know that is)

For some reason,
recently,
I've been missing him to the point of
exhaustion.
The thing is, I know
that I don't want to go back.
But what am I supposed to do when forward
is invisible
and the
right-now
is so
hopeless.
Love looks so far away and I'm wishing to bring it
closer. Only
wishing.
I'm too
broken-hearted to go out and
get it. But it's
screaming at me
to
stop
stop
stop
pushing it farther while wishing it closer.
"You can't have both"
it whispers. And I,
I
cry.

You know what I'm tired of? Living in a society where we have to hide. That's all we ******* do and I think that those who swear they don't are faking too. Because look around, ask someone how they are, give a stranger a smile. What you're gonna receive back is called politeness. And that's fake as ****. My sister tells me that she doesn't always get why so many people ask me for advice because I'm so blunt with them and I tell her that's exactly why. People don't know it but we need to be called out. We need somebody who isn't gonna put up with our *******. Sure, I'll tell you if you're being over dramatic or when it's enough, but I'm also gonna give you a hug and let you cry it all out. I'm not gonna judge you for being human and I think people get and appreciate that. They want that. They want truth and bluntness and ******* realness, for god's sake. It gets so exhausting walking around with a smile on your face and bright eyes with unseen tears hidden behind them. Give it up. And see, here's the thing. I'm no better. I'm fake too. I hide behind this ****** facade every day and I don't want to. So I get it, I get why we pretend. And I'm not saying let's all stop immediately, because that's impossible, but let's at least recognize what we're doing. Let's at least let those close to us be real. That's a step. It's a step. Take it.

I deserve someone
who loves me
back. You
you said that you
"wish you could". I want more than
wishes.
I want poetry and embraces and car rides.
I want ice cream and nose touches and sleepy smiles.
I thought you were something
that you
are not.
I fell in love with the way you
made me laugh, smiled, and how you looked when you
slept.
I think I fell in love with who
I wished
you were.
Because, my love, I don't
recognize you
anymore.

Crumpled
Broken
Fragments
Used
****
*****
Heaven
Just love me

Today I look up one way tickets on the greyhound and think about

dissapearing.

I miss the way I felt when he looked at me right before he kissed me.
I miss the way he felt as he moved inside me.
I miss the way that he made me laugh.
I know that it was a lie, this fantasy world that we both made up in our heads. I kist wish that we could have made it work out loud.

I thought about
him
again today and then
I thought of that one saying,
"never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about"
and i wanted to scream
*******
to that thought.
because sometimes
those people,
the ones you always think of,
are exactly the ones that need to be
given up
on

We spend each day waiting for the day when we won't have to wait.

But what happens if we miss it because its one of those days when we just cannot leave the house.
I am scared of being scared and this fear if mine is killing all of my dreams.

I write about wanting to be loved but how is that going to happen when I push everyone away?
I am a frightened fool.
I want someone to make the first move because I am so scared.

Why. Why. Why.
What difference does any of this make anymore?

I am not good. I can't write well. I can't love well. I can't live well so why do I even try.

This is so jumbled like my heart.

I don't think I can take
it
if I see him today.
He doesn't even
*******
go to
college
here.
Washed up loser **** ***.
Stay home and get high and play video games.
That's all you ever wanted,
right.
No responsibility

I'mcryingandicantstopandidontwanttostopandimstotiredanditsclosing­inonmethedarknessisclosinginandijustwantyoutolovemeandijustwantso­mebodytolovemeandwhydontthey
why dont they
why
why
why
dont they

I spent days, weeks, months, years
picking the petals off
a flower.
Loves me, loves me not.
I could lie. Say
I never do that anymore,
but I want
to land on a yes.
But it's been 18 years.
And my **** living room floor isn't just
strewn with ******* petals.
No. It's
filled to the ******* rim and it's
spilling out the ******* door.
****. ****. ****.
**** it all!!!!
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm scared and I'm shaking and I think
I'm trying
not not not
to have a
panic attack.
Please.
What is so wrong with me
that I
never land on a

loves me.

Will anyone
ever
love me? And
if they
do
will I be able to
love them back
without
destroying them?

I ****** up.
I just want you to make love with me.
I'll forget about her. I will.
I know you care
its just hard to believe that
someone like you could
care
about someone
like me.

I am so sad tonight.
I read something that said whenever someone dies their sadness is transferred.
I think that's *******.
I do not know if I am strong enough for this life. Its not a suicide threat. Simply a fact. I will not end my life but that doesn't mean I will live it.

I almost texted you today on my sisters phone pretending to be her
I realized that you are the best liar I have ever seen and that makes me love you more.
I miss you I miss you I miss you.
And my heart will not stop screaming your name into my brain.

I'm crying
as I sing
songs that I
know
will never come true
in my
****** up
life.

There's this guy at my school and he
likes me.
He's not my type.
He's naiive and not tall or skinny and he's nice.
But he likes me.
And I want to be like.
I'm not who you
think I
am.
I am a *****.
I am a liar.
I am a poet.
I am not
not
not
not.
I don't know what his thought process is.
God.
I want to be
ya know,
right.
Funny and nerdy and cute.
Maybe
I am
those things.
But I'm also the reverse.
And my humor is mean and dry.
And my ADD kicks in making it hard to play Magic.
And cute? Hell, no. I wish.
I don't know
what
I'm doing.
There's no way I would ever get in a
relationship.
I'd ruin him.
Literally.
I want to be
what others need.
But I'm just
me

Yesterday was the day
where
I daydreamed about
you
crawling back to me.
I would say,
"I'm happy. Yeah, I'm sad too, but I'm also happy. And I don't want to give it up."
But.
I'm about to start a *** of coffee.
I don't think I can hold the tears back much longer.
Nope. Now they're falling.
And I.
I'm weak.
I used to want you to hit me. But you never did.
You never did.

Tonight I'm getting
drunk off
poetry,
love indie songs,
hope,
sadness,
heartbreak,
the absence of life.

To all the religious people
just waiting to
comment on
my
statuses
about how much
"god loves you, but your wrong".
Just get the *******.

I am broken glass, causing pain to anyone who comes close enough to try.

I am a scared girl, a woman who is terrified of commitment. I used to see happiness. Now I simply see a bottomless pool and my pockets are filled with rocks as I sink into the blackness.

I used to love so fiercely that it burned holes in our hands and left scars on our lips. Now I run, faster and further and don't stop until the distance between us is a chasm.

If you fall for me be warned. I do not know how to love back. When I hurt you, when I sleep with someone whose name is not yours or I disappear it is not because you weren't good enough. I just don't know how to love back.

He taught me that promises lie and that they will hurt you. It's inevitable.

I will sting you with my words. I will make you ache for my warmth when I turn my back. You'll ask why when you find out I slept around.

Hurting you before you leave. I'm sorry, but it's the only way I know how to survive.

What am I doing? It's after midnight and I'm up. I have school at 7:55 in the morning. I don't want to sleep. Nightmares. Plus, I keep waking up panicking that this couch is smooshing me. I'm drinking coffee, mixed with hot chocolate, but coffee still. I won't sleep. I'm so tired of life, but I won't sleep. I saw him today. His hair is growing out and he wore a baseball cap. He doesn't wear baseball caps. He used to have a golf cap that he wore when I first met him. I loved it. I think he's sleeping with his ex. Not that I care. ****. I've ****** two people since we broke up. Okay, so maybe he broke up with me . Whatever. It was basically mutual. I don't think I love him. I don't understand this feeling. It's like I miss something. But I don't know what. Am I pretty? Because I wanna be pretty. And now I'm crying. Do you think I'll ever find somebody? I want to. Somebody who gets my crying and buys me coffee and tea and lets me make a mess in the kitchen and somebody who I can yell with and fight with and **** with. I'm not a good person. I know that. And maybe this ****** life of mine is karma for that. But I swear to god. I'm trying. I am. Will you love me? I miss love. Even when it got messy. I want to sleep with somebody. Feel something. I'm not nice. I can't have a nice guy. I'm sorry. I can't. I'm rough and I'm a ***** and when I make love it's passionate and fleeting and everything. Will you be there? I want to spend less time faking. I want to take midnight walks in the park and swing and go to the store and buy gelato. I want dates and kisses and doing that thing where you hold me and I rest on your hips with my legs around your waist. You don't have to like me a lot. I don't like me a lot. Just be there. I don't know who this is to. Maybe it's you. The one reading it. I do have a fantasy about meeting somebody through hellopoetry or tumblr or anything. You'll be reading my stuff, smoking a cigarette or eating or just sitting and you'll think "She's crazy." But you'll smile. Can that happen? Or is that just a sad girls fairy tale. I don't look like my picture anymore. I cut off all my hair. I'm not pretty. I'm not like the others. I'm me. And I"m different. I hate coffee, but I want to do slam poetry in a dark coffee shop and drink dark coffee. So, I'm teaching myself. It's late and I'm rambling and I don't have anyone to talk to. Sorry about that. One. Day. I'll find it. My *** of gold isn't money. It's you. I don't know if soul mates exists. Or somebodys. He was right. We think we know, but we don't. But even if you are just my somebody for a little while that's good. I just want to meet you. Be my best friend. Please. I'm so tired of being alone and pretending like it's all okay. I don't have to pretend on here. I don't have to pretend. I want to spend less time pretending. Help me.

Today
I am
angry
and selfish.

my mom showing up at my graduation
my sister's eating disorder and her cutting
my other sister never not being a *****
not finding love
being ugly
nobody caring
actually being a slob
what if i never do enough

I don't want to
******* see
pictures of you with your new
girlfriend and "kid".
You didn't know what you
wanted. You got scared that
we
might
be pregnant. So, you run.
Like the ***** you are.
And you go to her.
She broke your heart years ago, she abandoned you when you needed her.
She just had a baby.
You can't even grow up.
And I hate you.
I hate you.
So, don't ******* try to ask me why I
blocked you on facebook.
Because you chose this.
You chose this.
I can't let you keep stomping on my already bruised heart.

I looked at an old picture of us countless times today and when I thought I started my period I almost cried from relief.
It was a false alarm.
I thought that maybe I was falling for this other guy but I'm just me and so he's not interested.
I'm sitting at the park right now. Its chilly and I want to go back to the house but I know I'll start cutting.
Oh yeah. I'm doing that again. Right underneath my *******. Hidden so well.
I want to talk to someone or cuddle or just ha e somebody want me.
Why doesn't anybody want me.
I shouldn't be thinking about you still. Its been over a month since we first stared replaying our game.
I read the most beautiful poem today.
I'm going to go back to the house I'm staying at and take a shower and bleed out my heart. I have been crying nonstop for days now and I hate everything.

Do you know what it feels like to love? To dream? To explore? I do. And of course, the flip side of those? Do you know what it feels like to hate? To give up? To go back. I do. Unfortunately, in the end, we can never take back those things we do. We can remedy them, put a salve over the ache and hope that it heals but we can't take back the ache, can't go back in time and change the outcome. As people we will each have a path. A unique path, one that can sometimes intertwine with others but is inadvertently and undeniably ours. It can be lonely, it can be frightening and it can be good. Love. It is what holds us and what binds us. It is who we are and who we want to be. It is every fiber of our being and entwined in our dna. Humanity and love. They cannot be separated.

Napping this
afternoon
with you
was adorable.
My darling,
let's do it again.
I want to hear your sleepy mumbles
and feel your body against mine.
You kept calling me yours.
"Mine".
I'll be yours. I'm already
yours.

I sometimes get angry
because
I have
a clinical case of
loneliness.

Its the nights where
I have
to surround myself with
three blankets and mountainous pillows
so as not to feel empty.

Its the morning when I
wake up and the boy from my dreams is
gone.

Its when I feel stuck
isolated
on an island with no one and no
way out.

But my "mom"
tells me I am lucky
and I am
brave. I am only
18 and yet I have felt more lonely than
many people ever will.

One day
when I am surrounded by
family
all I will feel is so so so so so
much happiness.

You see.
Everybody feels lonely, but if you're
lucky. Like me.
You also know how to
deal with it.

I don't date
anymore.
But with you I wouldn't
mind
being stupid and letting go.
I mean
I kind of
already
am

Something I've learned
is that these
hole
inside of us
cannot all be filled.
Sometimes we just have to learn
how to be happy
with them.

There's this song
and when I hear it
I think of myself.
I used to think of you,
but now,
I realize that it describes me
perfectly.
I don't get many people
who I can connect with
in a "best friend"
type way.
But I did with you.
And I miss that.

I had a
good day
today

So if anybody
on here wants to
talk
Please please please
message me.
I am in need of a
friend.

Sitting here with my
phone,
laptop,
Smirnoff.
Waiting for everyone to go
to bed.
Ready to bathe and write and not-sleep.
Ready for it all to
go away.

I don't think love has a definition. So giw do I know that what I felt, what I feel for you isn't love? And I know that I'm just me and I'm not inside if your head but I want to believe that you feel something for me too. Maybe it was all just a game. But I believed you when you said it wasn't. Everybody deserves a happy something and even though this whole **** thing blew up in my face I did get that. I got that happy something for a little while. What about you? I want to say that I wouldn't go back but honestly. If you showed up right now I would make love over and over again with you. I would feel pain and happiness religiously if you wanted it too. But that's the thing. Maybe I love you and maybe this is just wishful thinking but I get to decide. I choose more. I know you don't and I get it. But I would kiss you in the rain and make you laugh and try to be **** and cuddle and listen to your sleepy mumbles. I'll sing in the car and eat not enough food and go mini golfing and make love and kiss you until our breathes become one. Know this. Know that I am an option. You simply chose to give up.

I am a
****** being.
Not a
*** object

I just got back from vacation and I was sad. Yes sad to be home but when I got into town and saw the lights from the fair I thought maybe this won't be so bad.

And I said goodbye to my friend and her mom and my sister and I put my bags on my shoulders and my purse on my neck and I said love you love you love you. I didn't cry.

And I saw my friend. The one I almost like that I live with. He didn't ask how it was. He said hi or something. One word. And I went to the shower.

And I am laying down and the loneliness is hitting me and I still haven't technically cried. No. Now its starting and I'm crying and there is poetry and music but I am lonely.

Already. Not even an hour. I want to go back. I want it to rain. I want him to knock on my door and say hey want to hang out and I want more people to like me. Vacation liked me yet real life does not.